


The End of The World

by sherllycolmpels



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: :"), Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Angst, Apocalypse, Bisexual Magnus, Boy Squad, Communication, Even talks about stuff, Fluff, Girl Squad - Freeform, Hate to Love, Jealousy, Lesbian Vilde Lien Hellerud, Love at First Sight, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Not Really?, POV Even Bech Næsheim, Pansexual Even, Pick-Up Lines, Post-Apocalypse, Sexual Tension, Silly banter, The Balloon Squad (SKAM), Younger Even, even draws, even has a little sister, even's green notebook, maybe? - Freeform, older Even, pinning, sorta?, tags will be added along the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2018-12-14 02:24:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 99,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11773536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherllycolmpels/pseuds/sherllycolmpels
Summary: After a huge disaster, the world isn't what it's used to be anymore. People are fed hate, violence and cruelty. Even could never see himself fit in this kind of world, and even if he could - It doesn't matter, because this cruel world doesn't want to accept people like him.This is the story of how Even ran away until it wasn't so simple to run, until he didn't want to run anymore. This is the story of how Even found a place in a world he was sure would never accept him at all.OR: The Apocalypse Au that nobody asked for.





	1. Part I - This is The End

**Author's Note:**

> Read the end notes of the fic to learn about my uploading schedule xx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He followed his mother quietly to the other side of the room, staring at her back in worry.  
> “What’s wrong?” he whispered as her hand reached his arm to squeeze it.  
> “Our world is wrong, Even. Our whole world is wrong” she whispered back and her voice broke on the last syllable.  
> *  
> Even's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings in the End notes of this chapter <3  
> *  
> The Biggest THANK YOU for my friend and beta @Knutmeg for editing this chapter and discussing the plot lines with me, for supporting me and being one of the brightest people I know <3  
> Also, thanks to my friend Lubna for suffering my never ending crying about this story and my want to put it out here <3  
> *  
> Also, this is the 1st chapter of the 1st part out of 3 planned parts :) The whole story is already planned, and I think plan is pretty final, I only need to find the time to write it all <3  
> *  
> The story will have 3 Spotify playlists - There will be a playlist for each part. The link for the playlist of this part is in the end notes of the chapter, if any of you wants to listen <3 I left the names of the songs in their fitted scenes in {} in the beginning of each corresponding scene - So you can listen before/while/after reading, as the songs set the tone of those scenes (and some of the scenes are inspired from the mentioned songs)  
> *  
> Also, Even's direct thoughts are in Italics  
> *  
> I really hope you'll enjoy reading! xx This chapter is kinda angsty, but I promise the story will get fluffy along the way! <3

**Chapter 1 - Changes**

*

_Love is everything?_

_Love can heal everything?_

_I’ve learned along the years that_

_wickedness is the only force moving our society._

_I don’t believe anymore that_

_Love can win._

_I’ve never thought I’d think that,_

_but look at me, now I’m here._

_I lost all my hope._

_Cruelty is the root of our society._

_People don’t want to accept the different and_

_I used to believe_

_unconditional love exists._

_It’s a fiction. It doesn’t exist._

_Endless malice_

_is everything._

_I’ve never thought I’d say love_

_doesn’t really exist._

_All I can see right now is pure hate._

_I have any right to feel this way._

_I’ve never thought I’d say that._

***

_The world we live in isn't a world at all anymore. It is a living hell, where people are divided. Where people are fed hate, violence and cruelty. This kind of world is not one I could ever see myself fit in. I am a man of peace. I am a man of compassion. And as much as I tried to find beauty in this world, as much as I tried to somehow fit in, even to the extent of hiding big parts of myself, my whole identity, this world doesn't want to accept me. It never did and it never allowed me to be a part of the functioning society._

_This is the story of my struggles. This is the story of how I broke, mended and then broke once again. This is the story of how I ran away until it wasn't so simple to run. Until I didn't want to run anymore. This is the story of how I found a place in a world I was sure would never accept me at all. This is the story of how I broke all of my promises. This is the story of how I was proved wrong._

***

{Mr. Lonely}

Even was sitting on a moist rock in the middle of nowhere. He lost count of how far we had run into the woods. He lost count of how much time had slipped by since he arrived at Sonja’s house, only to see it was already abandoned. So, there he was. Sitting on a large wet rock, surrounded by nothing by nature, all he could think about was how wet his butt was and how uncomfortable it felt. It contrasted sharply with the fire in his lungs from all the running he was not used to. He pushed the thought away, focusing on his situation and how far he had run, afraid someone had seen him approaching Sonja’s basement. Afraid someone had followed him this far into the wild nature.

It was weird. The whole situation was weird and he should probably be crying at the moment, considering he had in the past few hours lost everything he had ever had in his life, but Even could feel nothing but an artificial calm in place of the riotous emotions he should be feeling. Calm and a slight annoyance about how damn wet his butt was.

But, hell, he should probably just take advantage of the situation and try to relax for a moment after all of the running. He tried to get as comfortable as he could on the rock, realizing that his butt was already soaked, so a little more water couldn't hurt. Even closed his eyes for a moment to focus himself, to ground himself, to be a part of the quiet wilderness surrounding him. He closed his eyes and listened to the distant sound of streaming water, the quiet chirp of the birds above his head and inhaled in the refreshing smell of the vegetation.

When he finally opened his eyes again, he took his bag off his back to take out a pen and his green notebook. With the calming silence around him, he opened a blank page and started to draw.

***

_When I was 7 years old, my world started to change. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I didn’t understand what it meant._

Even loved spending his afternoons in the little garden in the back of his house. He would lay down on the soft grass, his green notebook laying in front of him, and sketch all the different flowers his mother cultivated there, all in great detail. He could spend hours perfecting all the little details, each petal and leaf, his tongue sticking out of his mouth in concentration, his long fingers periodically brushing back a shaggy bit of hair that sneaked into his field of view. It grounded him, being that close to earth, drawing his close surroundings.

However, Even always had his head in the clouds, and not only figuratively. Even was always fascinated by birds. He would wake up early in the mornings to open his bedroom’s window and look out, watching the world warming up as the sun was sending its first rays of light. He would listen to the birds’ chirp and try to see where the sounds were coming from. He could spend his entire mornings looking up to the sky, watching birds flying. He always wondered how it would feel like to be able to fly, to see the earth from above, to feel the freedom, the wind rushing all over his body. He always wanted to join the birds in their journeys, to be part of their adventures.  

But sometimes, watching just wasn’t enough. Sometimes, it was more than just the curiosity of a child, though. Sometimes, Even wanted more than just his imagination. He wanted to do more than just imagine what it could be like, joining the birds. Because sometimes, imagining wasn't quite enough. Sometimes he wanted to jump out the window and fly, to join the birds above his head.

Sometimes, Even’s mind was so full of ideas that he just couldn't sleep and he would look outside his bedroom’s window all night, waiting for the birds to sing, to call him to join them. On those nights, Even had so much energy inside him that he could hardly bear it, and he couldn’t bear sitting in his room all night, watching the world outside. All he wanted to do was to draw the birds and write those adventures he fantasized about constantly, even though it was dark and he knew he was supposed to be in bed. He couldn’t. He needed to join the birds, he needed to know what they were doing at night.

*

“Mamma! Pappa!” he bounced on his parents’ bed one night, when staying at his room just wasn’t enough.

“Even, baby, go back to sleep...” his mother grunted as she turned in the bed, his father squinted his eyes and looked at the clock which was right next to his bed.

“Kiddo, it’s three in the morning, we’ll talk in the morning” he grunted and patted Even’s arm one time.

“But, Pappa, I can’t sleep, I have to know what they’re doing!” Even answered grumpily with another jump on their bed.

“What are you talking about, Even?” his mother mattered as she turned to look at her son, her whole face constricted from trying to keep her eyes open.

“The birds! Why aren’t they tweeting? Why can’t I see them up in the sky?”

“Baby, they are sleeping, so they will have power to fly in the day. You need to sleep too, hun,” his mother said as she was sitting and getting out of the bed

“Now, let’s get you into bed” she reached for his hand as she started to go towards Even’s bedroom.

“But, Mamma, where do they sleep? It’s so cold outside! We should let them sleep with us at home, we need to look after them!” Even said as his mother lifted him to his bed and covered him with his blanket.

“They have their own homes, baby, they are alright,” She kissed his forehead softly

“Can I join them?” he asked with eyes wide open.

“No, baby, you have your own home, your own bed,” she smiled at him softly and ruffled his hair

“Can I visit them in their home, Mamma? I promise to be a good guest!”

“You know they live up on the trees, you can’t reach their nests, baby. And it’s so dark outside, big brave boys like you need to sleep and save their powers to play in the day,” She stood up from his bed.

“You wanted to go play with Mikael tomorrow, right? You have to sleep so you could play with him,” she said as she closed the window. And Even nodded once as an answer as she looked back towards him.

“Goodnight sweetheart, sleep tight,” she blew a kiss his way as she left the room.

After that, Even tried to sleep, he really tried. But his body was full of energy and he just wanted to visit the birds now, although it was dark outside. So, he reached the closed window and watched the world outside. He took out his green notebook and sat on the windowsill. He sat there for what seemed like minutes, but when he looked out the world was already sunny and there were pages full of drawings of him living up on the trees with the birds.

*

One time, though, drawing and watching weren’t enough. One time, Even acted upon his desire. That day, he convinced Mikael to keep an eye on him while he climbed out of his bedroom window to the roof of his home.  He just wanted to visit the birds who lived next to the roof. He only noticed their nest recently, but ever since he did, all he could think about was visiting them, taking a better look at their home so he could draw it as accurately as possible in his notebook. Even just wanted to reach the birds for once, he was tired of looking at them from the window, never seeing them up close. He just wanted to be their friends, to take care of them. Even just telling them hello would be enough.

"Even, I think it's time to come back down!" Mikael was shouting from the window at him, but Even was barely listening. It wasn't time yet. He’d barely gotten a glimpse. He’d barely seen what he had climbed all this way for.

"Not yet, Mik, I need to take a better look. I'll be back when I'm done," He shouted back as he reached the edge of the roof closest to the branch. The nest didn’t have any birds in it and it was too far away, he couldn't see all the details he needed - the angle of the feathers across the wing, the curve of the nest’s construction. He couldn't get close enough. He would have to climb out on the branch, he needed to get a better look.

"Mik, I need to get a better look!" He shouted.

"No, Even, please come back down!" Mik was shouting, but Even didn't understand what was wrong. He just wanted to take a closer look, there was nothing wrong with that.

"I'll just get a bit closer," he shouted back to Mikael as he started to climb out onto the branch, pressing his stomach tightly to the bark to it as he crawled, using his hands to haul his body forward. His long legs were tightened securely across the branch, keeping him stable. He could hear Mikael continuing to scream at him, but he couldn't be bothered to listen. He was too focused on reaching the nest.

Just as he just reached the nest, his father was at the bottom of the tree and he was shouting something at him. He could hear his mother’s voice from somewhere, but he didn't know where her voice was coming from. He didn't understand why his father looked so angry and afraid. Looking at the nest wouldn't harm anyone, right?

"Even, climb down here right now!" His father shouted at him from below, his voice laced with alarm.

"Pappa, I'll just look at the nest, I'm almost there!" Even shouted back as he continued reaching out for the nest. He was so close.

"Even, honey, we already talked about this. You can't do this, it's too dangerous!" His mother shouted from somewhere close as his father started to climb the tree towards him.

"Mamma, I just want to look, you know I won't hurt them!" Even shouted back as he hauled himself even closer to the nest. There were two little eggs in it and Even stared in fascination. He reached his right hand toward them, but before he could touch one, he started losing his balance on the branch and had to quickly wrap his hand back around the branch. He could feel his father's left hand reaching for him a few moments later, dragging him closer and pleading with him to wrap his hands around his back, instead of the tree.

Reluctantly, Even wrapped his arms around his father. He remembered his mother's face laced with tears as she hugged him close to her chest the moment he and his father reached the ground. He remembered his father walking a weeping Mikael home, while his mother made him promise her he would never try to do this again. He remembered he couldn't understand why everyone was so worried and mad.

*

Even remembered being taken to some sort of an appointment after that incident, to talk with a nice old lady about stuff. Even couldn't really remember what was said in the meeting. He couldn’t even remember what the room looked like. All he could do was stare out the window while his thoughts whirled. He felt like his mind was in a race, filling up with more ideas and plans. He knew he could write stories full of adventures if he just had his green notebook to write everything down. He just needed them to let him out of this room so he could do everything. He couldn't stay still on his chair.

“I need my green notebook,” he announced as he got up from the chair, jumping in place and looking at his mother expectantly. His mother was looking at him with panic lacing her soft features. He couldn't understand why she looked like that. He couldn't understand why she seemed so sad. She was supposed to be happy Even had all those ideas, right? Why didn't she want to join his adventures? She reached her hand out to grasp his arm, trying to ground him.

“Baby, we’re in a middle of a meeting, please sit down,” she said with a calm voice but Even could see she wasn’t calm.

“But, mamma...” he whined.

“Even,” she said in a stern voice with a pointed look. He didn’t understand why she seemed mad, but he sat anyway. He sat and tried to be a good boy until they headed home.

*

Even had to swallow candies regularly after that meeting. He and his mother went back to that old lady a few more times. Even remembered he had fewer ideas popping into his thoughts. The world seemed less colorful after the first meeting. He didn't like the lady. He didn't like the world around him losing its colors. He didn’t like feeling like his adventures with the birds were disappearing, getting out of reach, like a far dream, an unreachable fantasy.

"Mamma, I don't think I like the candies," Even announced one evening as his mother handed him another candy to take.

His mother shared a look with his father before she softly asked him, "Why not, sweetie?"

"It's just... Why don't you two eat them as well? Why only I need to take them every day? They don't even taste nice." He could feel tears gathering in his eyes and he didn't understand why. He didn't understand and it frustrated him.

His father got up from his chair, and crouched next to where Even was sitting, cupping his face with his big hands while looking him in the eye.

"Those are special candies for brave, smart, amazing kids like you, Even," he told him softly. "You take them so you'll be more focused." His father planted a kiss on his forehead as his mother filled a glass with water, placed it on the table next to the candy, then squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

Even was too young to fully understand their words, but he knew his parents wanted the best for him. He knew his parents loved him. So, he swallowed his candies and tried not to ask too many questions.

***

_When I was 11 years old, the world around me started to change._

It all started with a global collapse. Or, at least, this is what his parents told him years later. He had buried the memories of whole weeks and months afterwards, not wanting to face them. Not wanting to remember how the world around him turned even darker than before.

But there were things Even couldn't help but remember. Even remembered the earth shaking. He remembered houses becoming unlivable ruins. He remembered cell phones no longer working and shouts and blood. He remembered his family taking a car trip, their bags packed, and then he remembered being on the ground, his father covering him and his mother with his body. He remembered his mother's soothing sounds. He remembered crying. He remembered his bag on his mother's back. He remembered looking back at the road and seeing no car, no road – only a big hole in what had been solid ground only moments before. He remembered blood on his right cheek, where now there was a little, almost invisible, scar. He remembered the world changing slowly but surely in the following months. Among his family, other people lost their homes and their properties as well. He remembered people crying in the ruined streets, having nothing but the clothes on their bodies left. He remembered not understanding why he didn’t need to go to school anymore. He remembered screams and sobs filling his surroundings at night. He remembered trying to push it all away, but not being able to.

He remembered the days becoming hotter than ever before and the nights becoming darker, colder, scarier. He remembered melting during the days and shivering in his mother's arms at night, especially before they found a settled shelter, but even sometimes after. He remembered taking his medication until there was nothing left, and his father sneaking into an old deserted pharmacy to steal some more.

He remembered people fighting each other in one of the local markets, kicking one another to steal another piece of bread and one more apple to feed their families at home. His parents stopped allowing him to join his father after one time a kid was pushed ruthlessly away by an adult who fought with him over an orange. Even remembered the kid shouting, crying for help as blood was covering his arm and people ignoring him. Even ran to him and gave him a red big bell pepper he found before being pulled away by his mother, who seemed slightly hysterical and afraid that someone would hurt Even as well.

Even remembered crying for a full day after his father came home with an animal he’d hunted and killed, so they'd have something to eat that night, because there was left no food at that local market. He remembered going to sleep with an empty stomach and tears in his eyes, his mouth sore from all the whimpers that got out of his throat. He remembered too much. He just wished he could forget.

Even was never good with cruelty or with things not going right. He could never understand how people could be so mean, how someone could want to hurt someone else. Even couldn't understand why the world around him started to worship these kinds of messages. Soldiers encouraged people to turn on each other, fighting amongst themselves for survival. The people who survived those kinds of fights got to join the army, where there was food and a warm beds. The weak had no place in this world. The weak were forced to disappear into hiding. In the world around him, only the strong perfectly healthy men and women had a place. He remembered seeing people beaten in the streets, or what was left from the areas that used to be streets, because they cried too loudly at nights. He remembered soldiers walking all around the country, enlisting people to help with the collective effort, looking for grown strong men and women, beating the weak that didn’t hide well enough, just to test their strength. He remembered his father reluctantly joining the army, to be a part of their physics department, because it meant they would have some guaranteed food at home. The food he brought was never really enough because they were three people living on a one-person allotment, but his mother was afraid to leave Even alone at home with the situation in the streets.

Even remembered waiting for a day when the world would turn back to what it was before, and not seeing such a day ever come. He remembered days spent on a rust-stained old mattress that became his bed because he couldn't find the will to get up. His mother never left his side, but it didn't really make things better.

Even remembered looking out of a hole in their shelter, wanting to get back to his adventures, seeking for inspiration, only to watch groups of people marching down the roads, screaming words full of venom and hate. Screaming that weak people don't have a place in this world, that they waste air, supplies and shelters. Screaming that people who couldn't help should be executed. He remembered his mother quietly crying in the corner of their shelter when she thought he was asleep. He remembered himself feeling helpless, wanting to help and never being able to.

But the only thing Even never wanted to forget, he promised to never forget, was one talk in a dark rainy night when his father was late coming home and his mother was shaking from how cold it was. He was sitting with her on the cold floor, covering her with his many hoodies, the too many layers his father had stolen from an abandoned store for him. They were way too big for a kid his age. He remembered his mother looking at his face, helpless, her whole thin body shivering and her face pale. Even hugged her as tight as he could. He buried his face in her neck and tried to stop her shivering with the small bit of warmth his body contained.

"Even, honey, can you promise me something?"  She whispered with a trembling voice into his hair.

Even nodded in reply, not wanting to move his face from her neck, keeping them both  sheltered from the biting cold as much as possible.

"Don't let people know about your condition, my love. Don't give them have something about you they can turn into hate. Our world is so cruel and full of venom. It's so not fair and you shouldn't have to hide yourself, but I'm scared, my sweetie. I'm scared for you," She hugged him closer to her, as she continued to mumble in his ear, "I'm so sorry, my love, I've never wanted to tell you to hide yourself, I swear. Even, please believe me I'm proud in every single part of you, I'm just so scared..." And she continued to weep into his hair and mumble about how sorry she was as Even silently cried into her neck. He promised himself he wouldn't tell anybody if it would ease her pain and worry. He would do anything to stop her pain.

***

{Sunshine}

_When I was 17 years old, I had my first big depressive episode._

It started like any other day. Even was out of the house in the morning to look for some food and on his way home he could see a small creature on the ground. As he got closer, he could see it was a little bird. It was on the shoulder of the road and it was just lying there, not moving, not up in the sky, where Even always wanted to join the birds. He’d never imagined the birds would join him on the ground for more than a second. It broke his heart, seeing this bird on the ground. How could people pass by and just leave it there? How could no one help it?

Without hesitation, he took his hoodie off and carefully picked the bird up in it, then started to carefully carry it to the nearest shelter. Maybe they’d know what to do, maybe they’d know how to fix it.

“Hellooooo…?” he said as he entered the ruined building, his voice echoing from one dusty surface to the other. There was nobody there, but there were some old crumbling chairs, along with a few messy blankets on the floor. Even got further inside and searched for something, anything, to take care of the bird with, as he heard a high pitched whine behind him.

“What the heck do you think you’re doing?” A woman shouted at him as panic laced her face.

“I just need this to help this bird, it’s hurt and...”

“No, what the fuck?! Get out of here before I call someone to kick some logic into you! Get yourself some help!” the woman shouted at him with alarm, looking at him as if he said something wrong.

“But, you don’t understand...”

“Out!” She shouted again, picking the nearest chair to her in her hands.

Even didn’t understand what was going on. He didn’t understand what was wrong, he just wanted to help the little bird, he had to help the little bird. But he left as he was told to, making his way as quickly as he could towards home.

Even reached their shelter after a determined march along the streets.

“Mamma, I need your help,” he announced the moment he reached home, his voice calm in contrast to his heart pumping fast.

“What’s wrong baby?” his mother approached him with a worried look as he showed her the bird. His mother looked up to his face, her eyes big and sad.

“Even, honey, it’s dead,” his mother whispered and Even could feel tears gathering in his eyes

“No, it’s not, mamma, there’s gotta be something we can do to help it, we’ve got to help it, we can’t...” His rambling words quieting  as his mother carefully took the hoodie out of his hands, placing in softly on the ground as he continued to mumble under his breath.

“Even, baby, there’s nothing we can do. ” She put her hand on his arm, squeezing reassuringly, and she probably continued to talk but Even couldn’t listen. He had to do something, he had to, he had to...  

*

Even found himself grounded to bed, and not because he was being punished or because he didn't want to leave it. He was confined to bed because he couldn't manage to leave it. He didn't have any strength within himself to leave it.

He didn't understand how he’d reached this point, everything had been fine, more than fine. He didn't understand all the voices inside his head, hunting every moment of conscious, never ceasing, never leaving, never stopping... He felt like he was always drowning and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't even ask for help. All he could do is to lie there and feel hot tears trailing down his face. He just wanted it all to stop. Everything. He wanted silence. He couldn't take any of this anymore.

His parents were always nearby, looking after him. His sister tried to hug him. She was just three years old, but Even felt as if somehow, she knew what he was going through.

Once, he woke up to see his mother sitting on his musty mattress next to him, looking at his face.

"Honey, you know we love you no matter what, right?" She whispered while brushing away his hair from his forehead. Her big bright blue eyes staring into his, her smile warm and genuine, "Me, your father and Lea, even though she's still a small bean. You know the three of us adore you, right?"

And Even didn't answer her, but he was listening. He was listening intently to every word that came out of her mouth and felt it cleansing his soul like a warm waterfall.

"And we'll always love you, no matter what. You know what we've always thought about the way our society treats people who are different from the norm. You know how we raised you to behave," She continued as he grasped his ragged duvet close to his chest, holding onto it for dear life, as if holding it tight enough might quiet the demons inside his head.

"And I want you to remember that we'll always fight for you, we'll always fight this with you. We're always here for you, no matter what it is. No matter what happens. We'd never think any less about you because someone cruel decided you need to be treated differently. We'll never treat you differently." His mother smiled softly and put her hand on his, easing his hold on the duvet and lacing their fingers together as she continued.

"You don't have to promise me this right now, but please promise me you'll never stop fighting, not only for us but for yourself. Promise me you'll never give up, no matter what happens, no matter how tough and awful things might get, honey – Please promise me that."

And although it took all of the meager strength he had within himself, and everything inside him shouted at him not to do it, he nodded back at her words once. She squeezed his hand and smiled softly as tears rolled down her cheeks, and Even hoped he'd be able to keep his promise. He hoped he could make his family proud.

*

_I was diagnosed right after this with a bipolar disorder. I knew my life could never be the same._

Even wasn’t stupid. He was almost an adult. He knew what was going on. He knew how people treated people like him. Maybe not people who had bipolar disorder in particular, but people who weren’t the golden model of society, people who weren’t strong enough according to some sort of an ideal he had no control over. He knew how the society he was growing up in shaped into a world full of hate towards anybody who was a bit different. Who didn't fit into what people defined as perfect. Now Even felt more than just a bit different, more different than he’d ever felt before. And then, there were new laws normalizing the idea of treating people like him differently, just because of the way they were born.  Even could feel nothing but shame. He wanted to hide himself. His parents begged him to stay at home and never go out. He wanted to hide from the world and give in. He wanted to stop taking his new medication, despite the fact he’d only recently started taking it. He didn’t want to live in a world that treated him so poorly, who made him feel like he was half a man. Like he was a dead man walking, ready to be beaten or locked away. A world that didn’t give him a fair chance. A world that didn't give him any chance at all.

***

{Oh, Universe}

_When I was 21 years old, I tried to fight my way in the world. I tried to prove everyone wrong. I tried to be kind and helpful and messed up terribly._

Even was sick of hiding in his house. He was sick of feeling like a useless piece of society. He was alright most of the time, he was functioning. He didn’t understand why he shouldn’t be able to help. Why should he hole himself up? Why should he hide himself in the shelter as his parents insisted? It made no sense. Even was fine. He was more than fine and he was already an adult. He could decide for himself; he didn’t need to be monitored and babysat.

So Even started sneaking out regularly. He left the house for more than his therapist’s appointments and didn’t tell anyone, not even to little Lea, who was his partner in crime. He would sneak out and found himself an abandoned house or some deserted hill to just sit and enjoy the view. He would touch the grass or breath the air in deeply, he would brush away the dust or just tap on the floor. He would find himself a comfortable place to sit and take out his notebook and his favorite pen and just sketch the place around him in as much detail as he could, until he felt like he was part of it. Until his surroundings and he were one.

Even liked sneaking into unused shelters those days more than he liked the world outside of them, which was something he never would have believed he’d think. He liked them better because every abounded shelter had its own unique personality, its own history and character. Even could sit in each of them for hours and build up full stories about each of them. He would try to imagine the daily life of the people who used to hide in them based on what was left behind.

Sometimes, Even didn’t feel like imagining anything beyond the shelter he was in. Sometimes, he liked to absorb his surroundings without any addition, just to observe the lines and scratches in the floors, the stains in the walls and the holes in the ceiling as they were, to depict each and every one of them on the pages before him, filling it with lines and shapes.

There were some days in which Even would sneak into places that were still full of furniture, from the times before the world broke apart. Even would close his eyes with a smile and imagine the furniture come back to life, gaining colors instead of crumbling in front of his eyes and breaking under his touch. On those days, Even would return home with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Those days seemed more happy than the others.

But there were some days, when Even felt very sad, and he would sneak into shelters that could never again serve as a home because they looked too ruined to be ever repaired. He liked those shelters that were ruined to their cores, because sometimes Even felt just like those shelters, a ruined building that couldn't provide any kind of help to anyone, a building had that lost its purpose and now just stood still without any usefulness in this world.

*

One day, as Even was sneaking into one of the ruined shelters he’d visited a week before, he found a bleeding girl crying. A boy, who only seemed to be a bit older than her, tried to shush her sobs and make her calmer as he crouched next to her on the floor. Both of them looked up at Even frightened, as he stood by the doorway, their teary eyes big and begging.  

“Please, don’t kill her, please...” the boy begged as he threw himself between Even and the girl - “She’s my only family left.”

The boy’s voice was shaking and his bottom lip was quivering without control.

Even could hear his sobs getting louder and laced with more and more panic as Even reached for his own backpack, the little girl looking at Even in fascination, up until Even took out the piece of bread he was reaching for, along with a bandage he always carried with him. The little boy reached to his legs and with shaky steps walked towards Even and took the bread and the bandage with shivering hands, his eyes huge and full of doubt and relief simultaneously.

“Do you need help? I can try and help,” Even offered when the boy stood before him warily, still staring in fear. The boy nodded once, and handed the bandage back to Even’s.

“My name is Even, and I don’t know very much about medical care, but I can try to make the bleeding stop,” he said with a soft calming smile, staring at the little girl’s bleeding leg and feeling uneasiness in his throat. He’d never taken care of anything as severe as her wound and he had no idea what to do, but he had to seem strong for the two of them. He had to.

“My name is Mia and this is my brother Jon,” the girl mumbled through her tears after a long silence. Even crouched next to her, pulling the bandage around her cut and putting pressure on it, because it seemed like the right way to stop the bleeding. Mia whined in pain.

“It’s very nice to meet the two of you, Mia, I’m so sorry it hurts,” Even tried to answer her with calmness, although his insides were crawling, shrinking with every sign of her pain. He then took a look at Jon, who still looked at him with uneasiness.  

“Are you two on your own? Where are your parents?” Even asked as he tied the bandage and began to secure it around Mia’s leg, her face wincing in pain once again. Jon came closer and sat next to his sister on the ground, letting her squeeze his hand in response to the pain.

“We lost them this morning,” Jon answered him instead with what seemed like numbness - “The forces killed them, I don’t know why. Mamma barely managed to sneak us out before they reached her as well.” His voice was a monotone, numbed with shock and fear.

“I was cut by the window, though. We barely managed get here,” Mia mumbled with a tired look on her face.

“I hope this will help, little one, I hope it’ll make it better,” Even squeezed her shoulder.

*

It didn’t make it better. Even knew it hadn't helped when weeks later Mia couldn't even stand on her leg. Even knew because he was taking care of the two lost children, making it into some sort of a mission, to keep the two of them safe and alive. He stopped by to bring them food daily watching over Mia as Jon would walk out the ruined shelter to wash himself with some water, or just got some fresh air.

*

{Somewhere Over The Rainbow}

“Even, what do you like to do in your free time, to relax?” Mia asked him one day with a soft smile.

And Even couldn’t tell her he didn’t work for fear of getting caught. He couldn’t tell her all his time was free time other than his therapist appointments. He couldn’t tell her he was sneaking away from home, carefully walking in the shadows to not expose this shelter, and searching for much longer for enough food to feed two more children.

But Even also knew what he loved doing. He loved to draw and bounce ideas. He loved creating stories, both on paper and in his head. He loved to free his mind and let his imagination flow, to take him into places he could never reach otherwise. But he also loved absorbing his surroundings with all his senses. He loved the temporary security it brought to him, to feel so connected to the world outside his head.

“I love writing stories,” he told her eventually with a little nonchalant shrug and Mia looked at him with her bright huge eyes, her face lighting up at the words.

“Me too!” she smiled widely - “Can I tell you my favorite?“ she asked more timidly, the excitement on her face never ceasing. Even nodded curiously, waiting for her to continue.

“It’s about a girl who never thought she could be in love, as her whole life was passing by in loneliness. Not because she didn’t have a family or friends, but because she searched for a different kind of love - a love she never believed she could get. But then, one day, when she least expects it, she sees this boy and her breathing stops. She can’t breathe and the world around her just stops and she knows she would never be the same anymore, she could never be the same anymore.”

And Mia just stopped and looked at his eyes, waiting.

“What’s the rest of the story?” Even asked, his eyes roaming all over her face in the search for answers, for the reason she stopped.

“The rest of the story is for us to decide, Even. What would you do? How would you like it to end if you were the girl, Even?”

And it was  such an unfair question, because Even could never experience anything like that, there was no way he would ever be able to act upon it even if he found someone who made him feel that way.

“I don’t know,” he answered her honestly with a tightness in his throat.

“I think all of us deserve a happy ending, don’t you?”

And Even always wanted to have a happy ending, but he never saw himself getting one. He wanted the world around him to have a happy ending, but then the world changed, destruction and cruelty had grown, and he couldn’t see that changing back any time soon.  Even wanted nothing but happiness, but he knew some things just don’t happen, especially not for people like him. But Mia, little innocent Mia, was looking at him with some much hope in her eyes and with so much determination, as if these were values she’d held dear in her heart for years, and Even couldn’t burden her with his despair, he just couldn’t.

“I do,” he finally answered.

*

Even really liked Mia. She was a little girl but she had a giant positivity within her that radiated out of her like light radiated out of the sun. She seemed to always have energy and hope, even though her situation was awful and she had been reduced to sitting for weeks now. Her smile never waned completely and she sat with Even for hours creating hopeful adventures together. She loved discussing ideas with him about different worlds full of joy and possibilities, where hate couldn’t survive and love conquered all.

One noon, Jon sat with the two of them and listened to their conversation. As always, Even let Mia create the setting to their imaginary world, one full of good people with good intentions and love and tenderness. Jon just stared her pityingly, his face a picture of weariness and despair.

“Mia, we’ve talked about this….” He sighed, “This world would never exist. We’re all are alone anyway, bound to live lives of loneliness and sorrow. Are you putting thoughts in her head again, Even? It’s not good for her, it makes her too cheerful, too full of hope.”

“Me and Mia just throw ideas into the air, Jon, there’s no harm...”

“No, Even, you don’t understand; they’re not just ideas for her! She truly believes there’s someone out there who’ll give her an epic love story. Someone who’d give anything to be with her in this messed up world. Mia, there’s no one out there wanting people like us, kids on the run who will surely to be killed brutally in one way or another. Let’s face it, your leg will never be the same. We have no place in this world, Mia. We won’t even be able to run away if they find us. There’s no way we could have any of these happy endings you insist on dreaming about!”

Jon spoke to Mia calmly, but with the clear annoyance of someone near the end of his tether.  He spoke as if they’d had this conversation many times before, but Mia didn’t seem impressed. She seemed insistent on her own opinions, insistent on her dreams.

“You can’t tell me I can’t dream, Jon. You can’t take my hopes away from me. It’s...”

“Hope only leads to devastating disappointment. We are not designed to love and be loved, I don’t want you to get hurt, so, just get it out of your system.” With finality to his words, he stood up and left the shelter, leaving Even and Mia seated alone in silence that seemed to last forever, until Mia broke it with a whisper.

“Even, have you ever been in love?”

And, to be honest, Even hadn’t. It wasn’t that Even didn’t want to be in love, he’d just never had the opportunity.  Being with someone meant Even had to share parts of himself that were not safe to share, that could place his entire family in danger. Being in love meant promising someone safety and minimal stability that Even would never be able to give.

“No, Mia, I haven’t,” he answered

“And do you think you’ll ever be in love?”

Even loved the idea of love; he was a romantic at heart. He remembered being ten years old and already reading romance novels that were probably not considered appropriate reading for someone his age. He remembered falling in love in the idea of being in love. He remembered falling in love with love itself as a concept. But Even? Even probably should never fall in love. Like Mia and Jon, he wasn’t fit to love, but for different reasons. Even didn’t think he deserved love.  He couldn’t give the love someone would deserve; he was never enough. But he couldn’t say any of this to little Mia who was sitting next to him, staring at his face with big pleading eyes and a hopeful little smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

“I can only hope, Mia,” he answered.

“I think anyone could fall in love with you, Even. You’re such a good person. Thank you for taking care of us,” she murmured with a little voice and a shy smile on her face, her eyes shooting to the floor.

“Just, don’t give up because the world wants you to, okay? Remember that everything can be better with love, everything is love,” she told him as she peeked up at his face through her lashes.  “I’ll never stop believing in this, no matter how much I fight about it with Jon. Because he tells me how alone we all are all the time, but he’s never let me to feel alone, he never left my side, and I know he never will, and if this isn’t love, then what is?”

*

A few days after that talk with Mia, Even felt invincible for once in his life. This feeling had been building up in his chest for a while now, as he helped the two kids for weeks, but Mia’s little speech definitely fueled Even’s confidence in himself. He began to leave the shelter he and his family called home without really trying to mask his activities.  He started to look for food in areas that weren’t that far away from people. He would walk and hum to himself instead of furtively and silently scuttling from shadow to shadow. Life seemed better. Life seemed good.

One night, Even decided he had to surprise Mia, he just had to! He wanted to show her how he’d let himself for once in his life to believe in love, in himself.  He needed to show everyone how amazing and powerful love can be, what it can do to a person, finally believing in it. So, Even left his house and walked with his hoodie covering his hair and shadowing his face into an area near a few abounded stores. He continued to walk from one to another, until he found a can of yellow spray paint to steal. And with large confident strides, he proceeded to the one big bridge that still stood, strong and tall. It was the only one in the area used by the army for transportation. Under the cover of night, as the shadows covered him from prying eyes, he wrote a simple message - “EVERYTHING IS LOVE”.

*

Even couldn’t wait until the morning to tell about it to Mia and Jon, he couldn’t, so he ran from the bridge to their ruined shelter under the cover of shadow to tell Mia about it. Maybe Jon could help him bring her to the bridge so she could see it with her own eyes. She’d probably be so proud! She’d probably absolutely love it!  

As neared the shelter Mia and Jon were hiding in, he couldn’t miss the screams, the awful yelps that filled his ears and the desperate cries for help. Even was about to launch himself towards their shelter, because this couldn’t be happening; he’d promised to keep them safe. He’d promised to himself that he’d keep them alive. He promised. But before he could do anything, a small yet strong hand closed around his wrist.

“Even, you can’t go there, it’s too dangerous, we’re going home now,” Lea told him firmly, strongly pulling him in the other direction.

“No, Lea, you have to understand, I have to go there and help, I have to...”

“Even, nothing can help them now. There are too many people out there. Going there means dying. Come home...”

“But Lea...”

“Even, I’ve been following you for a whole week now. I kept my eyes on you from afar even at the bridge tonight, but you have to listen to me now before it’s too late. Please, Even, please!” His sister was now crying, the tears streaking her face. “Don’t let me lose you even more, Even. Don’t let me lose you forever, please!”

Even didn’t understand what she was talking about, but he hated seeing his little bean crying. He hated making her disappointed and sad. So, he let Lea to drag him home.

He devastatingly crushed the next morning, and all he could hear for the upcoming weeks were the screams of children running, tripping, falling.  And then calling to him with panic lacing their entire beings, calling for help. All he could hear was a voice screaming at him inside his head, telling him that it was all his fault, if he had been just a little more careful, they might have never been found. They might still be alive...

After all of that, Even couldn’t believe love had the power to win everything anymore.

*

“Please, I just want it to stop. I just want it all to stop...” he cried when Lea found him with cuts on his wrists one afternoon. She had left for a few moments, and he’d seen his chance to finally end it all. To escape his haunting thoughts and racing mind that kept shouting abuse at him, burying him in so much hate that it was hard to stay awake and just breathe. It was so damn hard to breathe. He just needed to end it.  He couldn’t stand living when he’d been the one to let them die. He couldn’t deal with it, knowing their blood was on his hands and he was still living.  He couldn’t live with the knowledge that if Lea had managed to follow him to their hiding place, other people, dangerous people, had managed to do this as well. He couldn’t even contemplate the thought that Lea had risked her own life to make sure he was safe.

The moment Lea saw him, crying and bleeding, she dropped what she’d been carrying and threw herself on the cold floor beside him, holding on his wrists for dear life.  She put pressure on the cuts, looking composed yet broken, using his blanket to press to the cuts and stop the bleeding.  She tried to shush his cries while holding him together. Why did she want him to stay together when everything was clearly breaking? When he would never be able to be whole again? Why did she insist on holding his broken pieces and taking care of him when he knew he didn’t deserve it? Everyone wanted him gone. He even wanted himself gone, but Lea fought to stop his bleeding, she fought for his life and consciousness like they were her own.

“I’m not letting you to leave me, Even. I’m not letting you to leave this world! We’re in this together, I’ll always be there for you, always!” She spoke vehemently through tears, one of her hands flying to his face to softly brush his hair from his forehead like their mother had done so many times when he was younger. Lea tried to relax him just the same. She was so similar to their mother, so beautiful and noble.

“I can’t, Lea, I can’t. I don’t want to live anymore, I...” he cried out, but Lea was not having it.

“You can and you will, Even. You’re holding me together. You’re holding this entire house together, I won’t let you leave me alone in this world, I can’t do this without you.”

Even couldn’t understand what she was talking about. He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t good. He couldn’t hold anything together, not himself and especially not this house. He was a broken aching mess and he was lost, not only in this world but also in his mind. Especially in his mind.

“But they’re dead, Lea, and it’s all my fault, it’s all...”

“It’s not, it’ll never be your fault Even!” She all but shouted at him, panic lacing her soft little face and tears escaping her eyes to roll down her cheeks. Even was breaking further, because he’d put that expression there. He was just breaking everything further, that’s all he could do - He broke everything and everyone.

Eventually there was silence between them, only broken by his whimpers and her hands moving around him, looking for more cuts. Lea didn’t give up on him. Lea continued to stem the bleeding, softly wiping away the tears from his cheeks and promising him everything would be alright, it had to be alright, as long as they were together. As long as they stuck together.

Even fell asleep somewhere in the middle of her efforts because he couldn’t hold on his consciousness anymore, and he didn’t really want to.  The next time he awoke, it took him a few moments to gain full consciousness. When he finally did, he realized his head was on his mother’s lap. Her fingers were carding through his hair, and his right hand was held tightly in Lea’s as she was fast asleep next to him. He saw that there were bandages secured around his wrists, and suddenly everything came back. He realized he was still here. Not only he was still here, in this living hell, a world he didn’t belong in, he had broken his promise to his mother. He had broken the promise he made to always keep on fighting, no matter how hard it got.

Even felt tears wet his cheeks once again. He buried his face in his mother clothes, mumbling that he was sorry through whimpers, while squeezing Lea’s hand harder, placing their laced hands above his heart.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…”

“Shh... Baby, everything will be alright.”

*

_When I was 23 years old, as I hadn’t even managed to pick up my pieces yet, I found myself adjusting to new medication and rambling about my feelings to a new therapist my mother turned worlds to find for me._

Even didn't know his crushed heart and soul were still noticeable up until his now not-so-new therapist, Sonja, confronted him about it.

"You hate yourself," she told him bluntly right as he sat down on the couch. Without any hellos, without any preliminary conversation. Even stared at her and then nodded once.

"Why?" She asked. It made him laugh bitterly.

"Why? What do you even mean why? Isn't it obvious?" He asked her back quietly, his head lifting from looking at his own hands to looking at her face.

"I live in a society that treats me with nothing but hate. If someone knew about my condition, if someone even suspected, Sonja, I'd be done. I'd never be able to see the day of light anymore, and even if I did, what kind of  life would it be? I can’t help anybody, I ruin everything I come in touch with, I’m useless." Even didn't even cry anymore. All he could feel was helplessness and weariness towards his own life and future. He didn't want to hate himself, but he couldn’t help beginning to internalize some of the rhetoric he was surrounded with every day. He couldn’t forget Mia and Jon, he couldn’t stop blaming himself for what had happened to them.

"You're wrong," she whispered calmly. "Yes, our society is full of shit and this world is unfair. You are treated wrongly, and if I could change this I would. But you're not braindead and useless like they want you to believe you are, like they want everyone to believe. You're a functioning person who can contribute, even if they don't want your help. You are important, even if they want you to feel anything but that. You have people who love you and care about you. You have people who'll do anything for you. Not everybody can say that nowadays, Even." She took a deep breath before continuing.

"All I have is you guys, Even, my patients. I lost my entire family in that first big disaster, as the world changed in front of our eyes. I won't let you give up on anything just because our society is shit and just because your heart is so big and full of kindness. I won't let you throw your life out the window because that one time you tried to help in a hopeless situation, things didn’t end up well!" She was quietly insistent - “It was not your fault, Even, you tried your best!”

Even wanted to believe her words, he really wanted to, but it was hard. So, he just sat and looked at his hands lying in his lap. After a long silence, Sonja started to speak again, "Let's make a deal, can we make a deal?" She asked him softly. Even nodded once, still looking down at his hands. At this point he would take anything she could give him to help him feel less shitty.

"When things are getting out of hand, when things seem too much, just take the day as it comes. And if a day seems too much to handle, just focus on dealing with the coming hour. And when an hour seems too much to handle, just take it minute by minute, okay?" And Even lifted his head to look at Sonja as she talked, because it sounded bearable. It sounded like a way to focus on what was important, to make things better.

"Okay," he answered softly.

Sonja smiled at him, "So we made a deal?" She asked and reached out her right hand for him to shake.

"We made a deal," he answered as he shook her hand and tried to smile back genuinely. It seemed easier than before. It also seemed easier to breathe.

***

_When I was 25 years old, the world changed once again, and it resulted in my world changing further. At least I still had my world. Some people like me didn’t have the privilege of saying the same anymore._

Even woke up to Lea sitting on his mattress and hugging him close to her chest. She hugged him so tight that it was hard for him to breathe. She hugged him so tight it felt as if she would never let him go if it was up to her. She hugged him so tight that he was wide awake and full of worry in seconds.  

“Lea, sweetie, what’s wrong?” He softly whispered into her hair, keeping his voice calm and even despite the turmoil of his thoughts.

“Please never leave the house, please stay home with me,” she begged with tears gathering in her eyes and her arms tightening around his torso even more.

“Sweetheart, you know I can’t promise you that…” He tried to answer her gently, his hands now coming up to cup her face, giving her calming caresses, his eyes wide open in worry. He wanted to ask her what happened, but a pleading whimper escaped her lips as she hid her face in his shirt.  

“Please never leave home, Even, please…” she whimpered into his chest, the tears falling down her cheeks and right into the thin material of his shirt. Even hugged her closer, tightening his arms around her fragile shoulders, burying his face in her long soft golden hair. He let her whimper until there were no more whimpers inside her and until her tears dried up. He let her hug his body until she couldn’t anymore. He let her bury her face in his shirt until her body became limp and she soundly fell asleep on his chest. He let her sleep there until his mother arrived home, her face creased from worry.

He untangled himself from Lea’s hands and softly let her rest on his mattress. He followed his mother quietly to the other side of the room, staring at her back in worry.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered as her hand reached his arm to squeeze it.

“Our world is wrong, Even. Our whole world is wrong” she whispered back and her voice broke on the last syllable. He pulled her into his arms and she rested her head on his shoulder. As she finally stopped crying, he leaned backwards, examining her face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly.

“They want you dead, Even…” she whispered, her hands reaching to cup his face.

“They always did, mamma. You know they always did,” he answered, his throat tightening.

“And now they want her dead as well, Even. They want both of you dead and now they can take both of you away from me,” she whimpered, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. And Even didn’t understand anything. Nothing made sense.

“What do you mean, they can?” he whispered as he wiped the tears from her face, resting his hands there, trying to calm her.

“There are orders, honey. There are orders all over the streets. We have to run away. We have to hide both of you…” his mother begged silently – “I can’t let them take you two away from me, Even, I can’t, I won’t survive, I….”

“What tipped them over the edge, mamma?” he cut her off in the middle of her frantic words, his brows knitted. She quit rambling and looked at his eyes.

“What tipped them over?” he silently and calmly asked again, his hands softly brushing her face.

“A disease.” She whispered.

*

{Zombie}

Even ran away from home to Sonja’s basement that day. He ran in the shadows with way too many layers on his body and his backpack secured on his back under one of them. He didn’t understand anything. His mother had cried all day long and mumbled a plea for him to stay at home. His sister didn’t leave his bed and his father hadn’t  come home from his job yet. So, when his mother was in his bed with Lea he slipped out. He knew they both couldn’t leave to look after him in their state. He had to understand what had gone wrong. He wasn’t afraid of a disease. All around him people claimed what people like him had were curses, diseases. He’d learned to live with the feeling that he was a dead man walking with a target above his head anyway, what was one more thing?

He sneaked into Sonja’s basement quite easily. She didn’t look impressed to see him there.

“I see you came,” she stated the obvious with a calm voice as he took off his upper layer to stuff it in his backpack. And Even knew she would tell him everything without filter, no matter what it was. Sonja was always very direct with him, he loved it about her.

He could see himself dating someone like Sonja, someone who’d accept his condition and support him. He often imagined the two of them being together in a different circumstance, where they met under different circumstances. He imagined a world where they were the same age, maybe even went to the same school together. Sonja was very beautiful and smart. He could see himself falling for her in a different world.

He stood tall. “Nothing made sense at home. You’re the only one who can tell me what’s up,” he shrugged.

She indicated for him to sit down on the living room's couch, as he usually did. He waited for her to sit down as well, then she opened her mouth again.

“How much do you know?” she quietly asked, her eyes roaming over his face with a composure that was calming.

“Not much,” he told her. She lifted her eyebrows at him, and waited for him to continue.

“There’s a disease. That’s all I could understand from my mom.”  He elaborated, his eyes fixed on her face. And he saw there something he wasn’t used to see, some sort of hesitation he never thought he’d see cross Sonja’s face. She took a deep breath before talking.

“Even, you know that my job, what I do… This is a violation of the law. That if I get caught, I can be locked away and punished,” she reminded him quietly what he already knew from a long time ago.

“Me being here is as well, Sonja,” he shrugged, not dropping his eyes from hers. He couldn’t understand her beating around the bush; it was not like her. Something was wrong.

“But now, the cost of doing this is higher,” she continued, “Now doing this, any of this, might result in a death sentence,” she ended with a cold tone. And the world stopped for a moment, because - Even must had heard it wrong, right? She couldn’t mean...

“You helping me?” Even asked for confirmation.

“Me helping you,” she assured. But it wasn’t the end of it, there was something more.

“And… Also…” she squirmed in her sit, her eyes drew to her hands and she took a calming breath before looking back at him, straight into his eyes – “And also you living. You being alive is a violation of the current law. There’s a death sentence above your head, Even, I’m so sorry.” She said with a face full of sorrow.

It took Even a few seconds to process her words. It seemed too much, too weird, too hard to comprehend. The air got caught in his throat and it took a few second for the world to continue moving around him again.

“Why?” he whispered back, his mind unable to understand.

“There’s a plague spreading all over the country. Something new and destructive. Apparently, someone mentally ill started it and spread it to people he came in contact with. He died, along with people in a similar state, older people, physically ill people, and some poor children. Some young adults caught it as well, but it seems it’s harder to spread among healthy and young men and women. The army decided the right decision to bring this to a halt is by…”

“… by cutting off all of the easy sources of transmission.” Even completed her sentence with a heavy heart, the lamp in his throat tightening.

“I’m so sorry, Even, I…” she tried to console him.

“Aren’t there any treatments?” he interrupted her stoically. All he could feel was numbness. When he thought the world around him could never surprise him any further, he was always proved wrong. It felt ironic, it felt like some sort of a bad joke.

“The army don’t want to invest in medication and research; they want a clean cut. They want to stop it with minimum investment,” she answered. “The forces are going to hunt people like you, like your little sister… I wish there was something I could do.”

It took Even a few seconds to quietly ask her what was on his mind, “Do you want me to leave?”

How could Sonja want him so stay when he was putting the both of them in the risk of being executed, how could she probably still want him here?

She leaned forward with a worried look on her face, as if she was searching for some sort of a reaction from him. He didn’t understand his outer calmness about the whole situation either, as his mind kept on avoiding even thinking about the consequences of what she’d told him.  He couldn’t bring himself to feel anything, although he knew panic was there, just below the surface, never surfacing, never present, but deep down there behind those thoughts he wasn’t acknowledging yet.

“No, Even, you know you’re always welcome here. I know it’s tough, but especially in these times you have to stay stable to not arouse any suspicion. You must keep taking your medication. You must keep coming here to talk with me,” she told him with determination. “I know it sounds absurd, but you must. You must do this first and foremost for your safety, but also for your parents. To be an example to your little sister,” She reached forward to squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Please promise me you won’t let any of this to break you, please tell me you’ll keep fighting your way in this world.” She considered his eyes and leaned forward to brush her fingertips against his cheek.

“I will,” he whispered back.

***

{Doomsday from "Doctor Who"}

_When I was 28 years old, everything changed. Because I found myself alone, running for my life._

Even will never forget that day. That horrible day when the last bit of stability and protection in his life were horribly pulled aways. He was on his way back from a therapy session to the dilapidated building his family lived in when he felt the earth moving. The world was spinning and shaking and everything seemed to be getting out of hand. The old crumbling road he was walking on, that he had walked on for the past few years, started to crack under his feet and he threw himself to one side. Breathing heavily, he fought to find a place that was stable enough to hold his weight. He felt himself fall over, slipping on the moist grass as the quaking of the world around him continued. He could feel vomit rising in his throat and his head hurting, heart pumping, world contracting. His ears rang and he just kept his body as close to the ground as he could, protecting his head with his arms and hands and waiting for this latest disaster to just stop. Waiting for the tears escaping from his eyes to stop. Wishing the crippling anxiety he could feel all over his body would just disappear. He could hear people screaming around him, but soon their screams were lost in the sound of the trembling ground. He lost track of how long he had been lying on the ground, shivering along with the world around him. He only realized he was actually shivering himself when he felt a small hand on his shoulder that grounded him, that made him understand the world stopped shaking a long time ago. He lifted his head from where he’d pressed it to the ground to see a small girl with big brown eyes and ginger curls looking at him calmly.

“Are you alright?” She asked with a high pitched, confident voice, her eyes roaming his face and her eyebrows furrowed with worry. Even could only stare back at her, rolling himself to his back and looking up at her from below. He tried to lift himself from the ground. He couldn’t. The world was spinning and soon he was puking on the grass beside him. She put a comforting hand on his back as he bent over and retched, squeezing his shoulder. When he finally stopped emptying his stomach, she opened her arms to hug him softly. Her touch was comforting and Even tried to hug her back with his right arm.

“I’ll be fine,” he finally whispered with a raspy voice, directing the resulting cough away from her little body.

“What’s your name?” he quietly asked, as the little girl leaned back and looked at his face with worry.

“My mamma told me not to tell my name to strangers,” she whispered earnestly.

Even grinned.  “But hugging them is alright?” He looked down into her serious face with wonder.

“It seemed as if you needed this,” she shrugged. After a short silence, Even decided to break it with a friendly approach.

“My name is Even,” he told her quietly. “Are you alright? Where is your mom?”

The little girl pointed to the far end of the road. Even could see a woman sitting next to two other children, who seemed similar in age to the girl in front of him.

“I should probably go back to them. I just wanted to see if you were okay,” she said, rising on her little legs and brushing her wrinkled pants from the grass that stuck to her knees.  “Will you be alright?” She asked him one last time, and Even stared at her in wonder. He couldn’t understand where her maturity and kindness came from. She probably wouldn’t care for him if she knew what he was dealing with. He just nodded once.

She smiled softly and started to walk away, but then as Even started to rise to his knees she turned back and ran into his arms to give him one last hug.

“My name is Leslie. Take care, Even,” she told him with a mischievous smile and then ran back to her mother who had been watching the interaction from afar. He stared after Leslie’s bouncing curls as she ran to her mother’s arms. She started talking with a huge warm smile, her arms flying to her mother’s neck to hug her close. Even continued to stare at the little family as the mother stumbled to her feet, and started to walk slowly with her children along the other side of the road. Even continued to stare at Leslie’s back until he couldn’t see it in the horizon anymore.

Even pulled his bag’s straps from his shoulders to make sure nothing had fallen out. His meds, green notebook, a few pens, bandages, food and jackets were still inside. Everything was good. Everything was fine. He rose slowly to his shaky feet, tightening his backpack to his back. His head was still swimming a bit, but he was better. He looked around him. There were little groups of people along the road’s edge. Some seemed hurt, but Even couldn’t help them. He knew he couldn’t. There were now also huge holes in the road itself and a few buildings in the area seemed to have been crushed in on themselves. Everything looked like a mess and he could feel the blood on his joints from his rough fall. He couldn’t take care of his wounds here. He needed to be back to the safety of his home, with Lea’s tight hold and to his parents’ care. He’d brought some food from Sonja’s house. She gave her patients what food she could spare, knowing their unfortunate situation, how they couldn’t work to earn food in fear to be exposed. Even always stuffed his food in his bag. He had to think of his family.

He walked slowly towards home, his legs still a bit shaky from the shock and his head deep in thought. He couldn’t remember the last time there had been such a hard earthquake. Maybe when everything started to change, but not ever since that. At least not in Norway. What used to be called Norway.

He was slowly turning to the street where his family’s shelter was located, when he realized that there was no longer a road there. There was no longer a street. The ground was wide open and everything had been demolished. All of the little shelters he was used to seeing from afar had been wrecked and yanked into the wide-open ground. There was nothing left. He could feel his breath stopping, a lump growing in his throat, stopping the air from getting in or out. Tears again started to gather in his eyes. Everything was gone. His family. His family was somewhere down there in the midst of all that destruction. They’d had no reason to leave the house today when it happened.  He helplessly tried to think how he could make his way down to the shelter he used to call home. He helplessly tried to think of a scenario in which his family might have survived. He couldn’t find any. He couldn’t even hear any voice coming from the cursed hole that used to be the surroundings of his home. Anything would be better than this cold silence. He wanted the universe to give him anything but this.

He fell to his knees as the tears fell down his face. There were some animalistic cries he would later realize came from his own mouth. He was alone. He’d lost the only people he loved in the entire world. He’d never be able to feel his sister’s reassuring hugs anymore. He wouldn’t feel his mother’s hands brush his hair off his face. He won’t be able to hear his father rambling about the shitty job he despised. He would never be safe again.

There it was, a thought he had never thought he’d have on a normal day. He’d promised himself it would never occur to him on a regular day. The thought to end everything right then and there. He could just take a few steps and let the cold dark endless underground to swallow him alive as well. Why did it have to happen to any of them, the normal ones? To his bright little Lea who had her entire life before her, to his caring parents who gave him and his sister nothing but love? Why couldn’t the ground swallow him? Why couldn’t the earth take him when everyone walking on earth seemed to want people like him to be gone? People who were different. He thought about ending it all right there and then.

But then, he could hear his mother's voice loud and clear and a little shaky from crying, but he could hear it as if she was right before him:

_Promise me you'll never stop fighting, not only for us but for yourself. Promise me you'll never give up, no matter what happens, no matter how tough and awful things might get, honey – Please promise me that._

It rang like a mantra. It sounded like a lifeline, weak but there. He cursed himself for making the promise. He couldn’t end everything. He couldn’t do that to his mother, to his family. It wasn’t what they would have wished for. He had to continue living, to continue silently fighting for them. He'd do anything for them. After a longer time than he could count, he lifted his heavy body from the ground and wiped his tears. With a heavy sigh and a broken heart and soul, he managed to do the only thing he could think of. He ran away.

***

Even couldn’t remember when he started to cry. He didn’t realize how he ended up drawing his family sitting with him where he was now sitting, on that wet rock, rather than simply focusing on his surroundings, like he always loved while drawing. He didn’t realize he was sobbing up until his tears smudged the inked lines of his hair in the drawing and he closed the notebook, pushed it along with the pen into his backpack and let himself to whelp into his hands.

Even didn’t even realize he wasn’t alone until an arm tightened sharply around his neck, something sharp threatened to tear his shirt where it was pressed firmly against his abdomen, and a low voice hissed into his ear.

“Who the fuck are you?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings: Suicide attempt, mentioned deaths, depressive episode (including depressive thoughts)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first chapter](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/1ySEaEEGwsYlHFof4MH5I5)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first part](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/08IGRietc2c1HCfjgx79kW)  
> *  
> Thank you for reading! <3 If you felt anything at all, or just want to say anything about this fic - kudos, bookmarks and comments are highly appreciated <3  
> You can also always come and talk with me on [My Tumblr](http://thepersonalblogofsh.tumblr.com/)! xx  
> *  
> Next chapter will be updated when I'll finish it (Already 6k in <3)


	2. The sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All his life, Even was lonely. He had nobody to love other than his family. And Even never complained about that, never will complain about that, about having his family, about the entire 28 years he was growing with caring parents and 14 years spent with his lovely Lea. Most of the people around him didn’t have a family anymore all those years. But a love of a family member must be something different than having a lover, right? It had to be something else, it couldn’t be what he had been dreaming about having all along, it couldn’t be what all those fairy tales and romantic novels had been talking about. It couldn’t be what Mia had been talking about all the time for the weeks he got to know her and Jon.  
> Even was always alone in this world on this aspect, and not from choice. He had no choice in this matter. People like him never got a chance when it came to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings in the End notes <3  
> *  
> So, it's been almost a month??  
> I'm so sorry.... ^^" I work in 2 jobs atm, and life got so damn busy, I barely had time to write :\  
> *  
> This is the 2nd chapter of the 1st part out of 3 planned parts! The Spotify playlist is already updated [and linked, again, in the end notes] :)  
> (Again, I left the names of the songs in their fitted scenes in {} in the beginning of each corresponding scene - So you can listen before/while/after reading if you'd like! <3)  
> *  
> I really hope you'll enjoy reading! xx This chapter is also kinda angsty, but I promise the story will get fluffy soon, there are just some things Even has to face before <3

**Chapter 2 – The sun**

_Who am I?_

Even wasn’t sure anymore. Who was he, now that he didn’t have anything anymore? Was he just another man on the run? Could he be anything, now that he lost everything of importance in his life? When he lost everyone that mattered to him?

The knife flocked to his abandonment harder, twisting a little in warning. The arm around his neck tightened its’ hold and it was even harder to breath. Even had to answer, before it’s too late.

“My name is Even. Even Bech Næsheim” he croaked out, because that’s all he felt was left from him. His name. That’s all he was sure was still an unseparated part from him that wouldn’t put him in danger to share.

“Even???” He heard another voice and then he realized he was in fact surrounded by a few other men, one of them looked oddly familiar.

“It’s me, Mikael? Mikael Øverlie Boukhal? We were best friends in elementary school” The man, Mikael, got closer. And of course, Even remembered him. How could he ever forget Mikael, who would put up with all his shit? So, Even smiled back at him, a bit hesitant and entirely uncomfortable, as he was still rooted to his place by a death grip on his neck and a freaking knife, but warm nonetheless.

“Elias, man, he’s fine, let him go” Mikael told the man who held Even paralyzed in place with a big smile and a wave of a hand.

“How could you know he’s fine, Mik? You knew him years ago, he might be…”

“Even could never hurt anybody, I know him by heart, man! We used to do tons of crazy shit back then, but none of it was to ever hurt somebody” Mikael insisted, and Even tried to bring to a halt the shivers that went through his body due to the mention of the word ‘Crazy’. Because Mikael remembered. He had to remember everything that happened. Even though they were young and didn’t understand this kind of stuff, didn’t know what it might mean, Mikael still remembered all the _Crazy_ stuff Even made him do. He might pull the pieces together, wouldn’t he? What if he would, what if all the running and hiding Even did his entire life was for nothing now?

“What are you doing here, all by yourself?” someone else, another man, asked Even.

Even was running for his life, from his life. He was running from his demons, wanting to disappear, now that he didn’t have anything anymore. Wanting to disappear and not being able to because he promised his mother years ago he wouldn’t give up and he already broke that promise once.

“I lost my family and my home this morning. I had nowhere to go to” he answered.

Mikael looked at him with sincere sadness on his face, then reached over to wrap his hands around Even, gently pushing away Elias’s hands that already lost their grip on Even at his confession.

“I’m so sorry, man” Mikael hugged him until there was no space between them, until he crushed his body and it was getting hard to breath and not only because of the unstoppable pain in his heart.

“Do you want to join us?” Mikael asked him as he loosened his hold on Even’s frame, looking at his face with worry and sincere kindness in his eyes.

“Fucking hell, Mikael! You can’t just ask strangers if they want to join us!” Elias shouted at him with an offended look on his face.

“I already told you, Elias, he’s not a stranger, he’s…”

“He _used_ to be your best buddy, he…” Elias continued.

“Elias, man, give Even a chance! He seems fine, stop being that stressed!” Another man told Elias with a shrug.

“I’m Mutta, those are Yousef and Adam” the man continued while pointing towards the two other men respectively - “We’re all…”he stared at Elias meaningful - “...sorry for your lost”

And Elias shrugged,tried to be nonchalant, but Even could see tenderness behind his features and act. Then,Elias sighed defeatedly - “Fine, he can join us, for now… But if he steals our food or murder us in our sleep, this one is on the two of you” he looked at Mutta and Mikael in a serious look, before looking Even dead in the eyes and continued - “And, don’t you even think about messing with any of us, or you’ll have a huge problem with me” he told him as he pointedly and forcefully pushed his knife into its’ place in his trousers’ pocket.

“Now, let’s go and find a shelter before it’s too dark to move” Elias started to march forward into the woods, the others followed him. Even jumped off the rock to join the others, only Mikael waited for him to put his backpack on his shoulders and join.

Damn, his butt was still damn wet, and now it was getting cold, so it was also freezing.

***

The following day, Elias parted them to three pairs, to arrange food and supply to their current shelter - Mutta and Adam needed to find water, Yousef and Elias would stay to keep an eye on the covered cave they found and disguise it better and Mikael and Even were on charge to hunt. Even tried not to cringe as Elias told them the arrangement, and he didn’t know what to do. Even didn’t hunt, he couldn’t attack animals, he couldn’t kill other creatures around him, he couldn’t take it, even if it meant he was always hungrier, always thinner and weaker. Also, his father’s allowance made it easier along the years, made him a little less hungry than he would have been without it.

But Even couldn’t protest against Elias’s words, he didn’t have the privilege as the new not trustworthy addition to their gang. So Even shut his mouth and followed Mikael silently and obediently. Or he tried to, until Mikael pointed on a squirrel and Even felt the colour leaving his own face from the thought this poor little creature might turn into their lunch and maybe even dinner. It was hard enough to see dead animals in his mother’s hands along the years, when she managed to hunt a poor creature down, so they’ll have some meat in their stomachs, or at least - So Lea and his parents would have some meat in their stomachs.  Even became vegetarian when the world broke, after realizing the cruelty of the hunting, after realizing fully how meat was brought in front of him. But Even couldn’t hurt this little creature. He also couldn’t see Mikael hurting it.

Even could see Mikael getting into a hunting mindset, becoming much quieter and his features softer, his body moving slower, to not scare away the squirrel while he took out his knife, his eyes locked on the squirrel on the ground a few meters away from them, but Even couldn’t let him kill it. He couldn’t.

“Pssttt, Mik...” Even whispered to get Mikael’s attention, but all Mikael did in return was bringing his index finger to his own mouth to signal to Even to be quiet, without even taking his eyes off the squirrel.

“No, Mik, listen...” Even tried again, panic started to cloud his mind.

“Shh, Even, now is a really bad time...” Mikael answered with a frown, his eyes still locked on the poor creature that got closer and closer to where they were hiding, its’ little hands looking for food on the ground.

“But it’s really important and...” Even tried to continue, what made Mikael seem even more confused

“I’m sure it can wait a few more moments” Mikael hissed back

“No, it can’t, it’s…” - Even had to just let it out there, before it’s too late. He took a deep breath and said - “I can’t let you kill it.”

“WHAT?” Mikael answered him too loudly, and the squirrel ran away, to Even’s huge relief.

“What are you talking about, Even? We just lost part of our lunch, everyone would be pissed - Why couldn’t I just hunt it down? What was so important?” Mikael murmured with an annoyed tone of voice and expression, and Even felt a little guilty. It’s not that he didn’t want others to eat meat, it would be ideal, but he knew it wasn’t realistic. He just couldn’t be part of the killing process, or the eating process. He couldn’t be present as it happened.

“I don’t eat meat, I… I can’t stand seeing others getting hurt, or killed to this matter… I have no problem with all of you eating meat, it’s just… I can’t let you do do this hunting near me, it breaks my heart” Even murmured quietly with his face low, shame washing all over him.

“Then why didn’t you just tell this to Elias as he told us what to do earlier?” Mikael asked him softly, his hand reaching for Even’s shoulder to lightly squeeze it, his face soft and full of compassion.

“I… I didn’t want to anger him further, I… I don’t know...” Even murmured

“Even, he isn’t angry at you, he’s just worried about all of us and very protective… Just give him some time and he’ll treat you like he’s your older brother as well” Mikael said with a huge goofy smile, his face glowing and Even couldn’t hold his smile back, so he smiled back.

“So, now we’ve got a little problem, if we can’t hunt, we have to bring back some things to eat, so… How did you survive all this time, without hunting?” Mikael asked as they started to walk further.

“Well, I collected some leaves and fruits, I know how to collect only the non-poisonous species, and, well, my father had his army allowance, so...”

“Wait, your father worked with the army?” Mikael cut him mid sentence and stopped in his place, his face shocked and worried.

“We were four people trying to survive, this was our best option… He was part of the physics department and...” Even started, only to be cut by Mikael again.

“Listen, the guys won’t like it.” Mikael told certainly him with a serious tone, all the kindness leaving his tone - “We’re all running away to avoid contributing, we...”

“He fucking hated it, Mikael. He was doing it only because he had no other choice, because he had me and my little sister and my mother to take care of as well… My parents always hated the policy, they hated what our world turned into...” Even answered him quickly,but the words died on his tongue, as his throat tighten from panic. It wasn’t good. Mikael was looking back at him with a grimace, his forehead constructed with thoughts. After a long silence, Mikael finally answered him quietly.

“They won’t like it, Even. I understand, and I trust you, but… It will make them suspicious, the boys need to get to know you first, they despise everything and everyone somehow connected to the army…. I realize you didn’t have a say in it, but, at least for now, I think it would be better if you won’t let them know about it, just in case.”

Even would never be ashamed of his father or his job. His parents were the best people he could ever wish to have in his life. They taught him to have his own thoughts and set of values, they taught him to always hold his truth close to his heart, even if he had to hide it from the world around him. They always accepted him and loved him unconditionally. Even just hoped this new gang would become his new family some day, a group he wouldn’t have to keep secrets from when the time will be right. He just wanted to be accepted somewhere, he wanted a place like the one he had with his family. Hearing Mikael’s thoughts and fears made him crack a bit inside. It made him once again suspect there’ll never be people out there, besides his family, who’ll fully accept him like his family did. He was afraid he’ll never have anybody else to talk to, like he had Sonja and his family all along. He just wanted to belong somehow, he just wanted to be fully accepted.

But at this moment, Even would get anything he could get. He would be part of any group who’d somehow accept him, even if he still needs to hide big parts of himself.

“Okay, it’ll stay between the two of us” Even agreed with a meaningful voice, although he felt himself breaking inside - “Cmon, I’ll show what I mostly collect to make a meal, I guess we can collect enough for a group of six”

*

“What is THIS?” Elias scoffed as he saw them coming back with only vegetation in their hands.

“We couldn’t find anything to hunt, but apparently Even is a vegetarian and he even knows how to cook!” Mikael announced with a huge goofy smile as he dropped the loot in his hands to the ground.

“Ehhhh...” Yousef stared at Even’s hands and then at Miakel’s face in confusion

“I promise it will be worth it, I was told I’m pretty much amazing” Even said with a shrug, dropping the leaves in his hands to the ground as well.

“You better be, if that’s everything we’re going to eat today” Elias told him with a meaningful face that left no place to hesitation.

“Relax, I’ve got it” Even answered him confidently - “My food is the fucking best, just need some water” he said just as Adam and Mutta came back with containers full of water and Even beamed - “Perfect” he murmured with a smile.

And Even wasn’t really that confident about his abilities to satisfy five grown up men, who dreamed about meat since the night before, but Elias didn’t need to know about it. He needed to impress them, as nonchalantly as he could manage, to make them forget how apparently weird it was that he managed to survive that long as a vegetarian. So Even took a deep breath to relax himself and started to arrange everything to make lunch. He just had to relax and focus on the next minute. In the next minute, he’s going to set everything right. Everything will be alright as long as he just focus on his surroundings and the task in hand.

***

_I’ve always dreamt of being a part of a group, but I’ve never thought I’d be a part of a group besides my family._

One thing Even was really fond of seeing the guys doing was how they moved around one another and how much care they carried towards each other. They had that sort of energy, quirkiness mingled with softness and careness, that followed every single movements each of them made when they were next to each other. They seemed like an unstoppable force moving in the world, like an united unit, living in its’ own world by its’ own rules.

Even always wanted to be a part of such a thing, such a power, a group of people outside people he was related to by blood, that would treat him like THAT. Like he was worth something, like he was a regular functioning human like any other person out there and should be treated like that. Because, even though he knew deep down inside he was indeed a regular person, that he could do everything he would like to do, that he could do whatever he would like to do, the world around him crushed this idea all the time with its’ set of rules and their implications. He couldn’t even tell the people he wanted to become a friend of everything about himself due to the world around them.

Because even though it seemed as if the guys were living in their own world, giving each other comforting touches, lifting each other up, teasing each other with an endless fondness - Even knew that their bubble world was still a part of the whole cruel world around them. Even couldn’t trust anybody about his secrets. He was sometimes wondering if he could even trust himself.

Also, the guys had the Islam as a common ground. They had a few talks about the Islam on fridays, as they were all sitting around a bonfire or walking with the sunset next to them, coloring the skies with orange and red. They also prayed five times a day, each day. Mikael once explained Even the reasons and the name of each praying, and Even found the passion in his eyes about his believes intoxicating.

Even learned very quickly that Yousef didn’t pray, unlike the other guys, and this fact seemed very important. Even didn’t know how to approach this subject, although he really wanted to. He didn’t know how to talk with Yousef about it, when all he knew about the Islam was the stuff he heard from the two weeks he spent with all of them. Also, it seemed very personal, and Even wasn’t sure they had reached this point just yet.

When Even was sitting down with Yousef one evening, he finally gathered the courage to ask him about it.

“Why don’t you pray with everyone else?” he simply asked him as both of them stared at the sunset, sitted on a big rock by the edge on a mountain they were on, the other men far behind them in the quiet between the trees - praying.

Yousef seemed to hesitate a moment, before plucking a piece of grass that was picking between the rock they were sitted onto the neighbored rock and throwing it towards the abyss.

“Do you believe in god, Even?” he asked him back instead of answering, staring towards at the setting sun.

Even never believed in god. His family wasn’t religious, and even if it was, Even couldn’t see himself believing in god when he was living in such a wronged world,when he was in the lowest possible state in the world around him from the start. Because Even’s state wasn’t something he wished upon himself, he frequently hated himself for being born this way, even though he knew he shouldn't let his mind think such things, that this is exactly what the army and the forces wanted him to think about himself.

“No, I never did” he admitted.

Yousef took a deep breath before looking at his face and answering Even - “I once believed in god, before everything happened, before the world around us became what it’s turned out to be. Even though my entire family was never treated equally, even though muslims had never felt like they really got expected in this country. But then, the world crushed and I was forced into the army when I was old enough and all this cruelty surrounded me… I couldn’t believe there’s a god anymore. If there was a god, our world would never turn out this way. How could some sort of a force let everything crumble like that? Let people act as if they are gods… The worst thing about the whole situation is that everyone thinks they’re on the good side… But there’s nothing which is good or evil - Every person is acting a certain way because they think this is the right way. Most people don’t do stuff just because they want to be cruel, without any belief there’s a legitimate reasoning behind their actions... But I just don’t understand, how acting like this, even before but mostly now, can be accepted by god if there’s one? How can someone sit and watch us fight like that, let people think that kind of thoughts and act according to them, because they believe their thoughts are right? How can god let them believe their thoughts and actions are alright and valid? I just couldn’t believe there’s god after that, I couldn’t.”

Yousef observed his face as he finished talking. He observed it long and seriously but didn’t say anything else, probably waiting for Even’s thoughts. Even understood everything he said and he completely agreed, but he was afraid to start and talk about it as well, to put all of his secrets and additional reasons to think those thoughts about the world. So instead, he just asked him - “What do you believe in, if not in god?”

“What have you believed in all those years?” Yousef asked him back.

_I used to believe in love._

But Even didn’t believe in love anymore, not after everything that happened.

“I don’t know if I believe in anything anymore.” Even said, because it was easier to say that than to admit he believed that cruelty was moving their society, that wickedness was the only force ruling everything in this world.

“Well, I’m still naive, Even. And as a naive man, I believe in the power of love. I believe that love can heal everything, if we’d only give it a fair chance.” he answered him before looking towards the horizon again.

_And, for once, I started to feel a little safer and a little less stupid for once believing in love. For once, I felt a little bit more understood._

*

{You’ve Got a Friend in Me}

_The guys took their time to warm up towards me. I couldn’t blame them - I was basically a stranger back then, I wouldn’t trust anybody out of nowhere myself. Though, When they finally warmed towards me - They warmed up fully and wholeheartedly._

Because Even was gathering a voice in their discussions lately. He was hugged by them as well, and not only by Mikael only anymore. He was not left behind anymore, as everybody was walking, and sometimes they even let him cook some vegetarian food for the whole six of them.  

They would let him pick up songs to their Sundays’ singing by the bonfire evenings and they would teach him some fighting tricks to use in times of need, just in case. Or, to be more precise - self defense moves, as Even didn’t agree to learn how to hurt others physically.

He was becoming part of their inner jokes - Not all of them, but some. There were some teasing about him surviving without meat all those years, but nothing was ever harmful and none of them doubted his reasons, not even once. Even wasn’t sure if Mikael told them a fake reason for Even not wanting to hunt, and if it was enough for them, or if they just didn’t find it as weird as Mikael found it, as he probably remembered Even used to eat meat as a child. Whatever their reason was, Even was thankful he didn’t have to explain them about it himself.

He was finally starting to feel like he found a place. Just maybe.

*

_But even after becoming some sort of a part of the gang, I still felt as if Elias didn’t trust me fully. He didn’t have any reason to, none of them had any reason to - I hid my secrets. I had too many secrets._

Even was a with the guys for almost a month already, and he started to feel safer. He still sneaked away to take his medications everyday, when he needed to, and he still had all those secrets, but he also felt safer. As long as his backpack was always next to his side, as long as his medications where always in his pants’ pocket, as long as Mikael didn’t mention his father was in the army and as long as Mikael didn’t remember all the weird stuff Even used to do as a child, when they were still friends. Or, as long as Mikael decided not to mention remembering any of those times. Even was relieved - whatever the reason was.

Even felt safer, until he couldn’t feel safer anymore, because he wasn’t sure whether or not his secrets were safe anymore. Because one time, Elias followed him as he walked away to take his medication. Even didn’t notice him up until he was about to turn back to their camping point. He didn’t notice him, and he didn’t know how much Elias saw.

“You know, I still don’t trust you, dude” Elias told him as he leaned on a tree, staring at Even as he froze in his place, his breathing halted completely.

Elias was observing him up and down, trying to read him and Even would had shivered if he wasn’t froze in his place, entirely stuck, feeling hopeless.

“What are you hiding?” Elias asked him, his head turning up in challenge.

“I need some time alone each day, to ground myself, it helps me to think, I need time to clear my head” Even finally managed to say back, willing his body not to shiver like a branch in the wind and his voice to seem calm, in opposite to his anxiety.

“Yeah, he used to do this all the time as we were younger” Mikael showed out of nowhere, leaning on the same tree as Elias, from its’ opposite side. Even didn’t know where he came from, and according to the look on Elias’s face - he didn’t understand where he came from either.

“Now, will you just give Even a fair chance, Elias? I’m sick of this game” Mikael continued and flashed a smile towards Even.

Even didn’t understand why Mikael did this for him. Because, if Mikael remembered Even indeed used to ground himself by drawing his surroundings as a kid, he had to remember everything else, right? Why didn’t he confront Even about it? Why did he trust him so blindly?

“Fine, Mik, I’ll give him a fair chance” Elias shrugged with a roll of his eyes as he pushed himself from the tree and started to go back to their camp without looking back. Mikael gave Even a blinding smile and a happy jump as he pushed himself from the tree as well, and waited for Even to reach his place before both of them walked back to the camp together.

_After that, I didn’t understand why, but Elias started to be warmer towards me. I couldn’t see any more suspecting looks - Maybe he was trusting me now, based on Mikael’s words alone, or maybe I became a better liar. I wasn’t sure. All I was sure of was that I finally found some sort of a place in this world once again._

***

_Or, at least, that’s what I thought. I thought I finally had some sort of a family again, that things started to brighten up a little bit and I could get more comfortable around them. But that’s exactly when everything started to get complicated. That’s when I realized my mistakes followed me, no matter how far I went. This is when I started to doubt again if I’d ever find a place among other people, or whether I’d just better be all by myself, alone._

“Do you remember that graffiti we saw?” Adam asked as they were eating their lunch one late afternoon, the six of them sitted on the ground.

“Hmm? What graffiti?” Elias asked as he took another bite of the poor creature they hunted that day. Even was never checking what it was, being too emotional about the animal’s death. He just stuck to his leaves and fruits. That’s all.

“The yellow one? That one about love...” Adam continued as he took a bite from his meat as well, shrugging casually, and Even’s world stopped, because they couldn’t mean it, they couldn’t talk about it...

“Oh, yeah, what was it, was it like...” Mutta muttered, his head turned up as he squinted his face, trying to remember

“Everything is love” Yousef quoted, and Even tried really hard to avoid the lump in his throat and continue to act nonchalantly, but it was getting harder and harder to pretend.

“Yeah!” Adam smiled as he answered

“What about it?” Elias asked

“Whoever did this has got balls!” Adam laughed

“Yeah, I’d shit myself, fucking hell! Do you all think they caught who did it?” Mikael asked

“I’ve heard it was a tall dude, but they still look for him… Apparently someone saw him but lost him when he started to walk away, or something like that. They hate it because it makes people think” Elias answered quickly.

They were after him. They saw him do it, and they were after him, and Even put every single one of his new friends in danger… What if one of them will get hurt, because of this mistake? What if one of them will find out it was him and they won’t want to be his friends anymore?

Even needed to take the danger away from them. He needed to make sure they were safe, but Even also wanted to stay selfish for once in his life. He wanted to cherish his place with them for just a little bit longer.

“What do you mean, think?” Mutta asked, confused

“It’s just, so silly, no?” Elias said

“Silly?” Adam looked at him, bafflement written all over his face

“When everything is running on hate, when there’s anything but love around us...” Elias answered

And Even could now understand Elias, as he was now believing everything was running on hate as well. There was no love in this world, at least not the kind of love Even was looking for. And even if there was that kind of love in the world, Even could never find someone who will be willing to give him that kind of love, right?

“I think it was meant as some sort of a revolution” Mutta countered

“What do you mean?” Mikael asked

“Like, to give the forces and the army a big ‘fuck you’ for ruling with hate, it shouldn’t be like that...” Mutta started to say, only to be interrupted by Elias mid speech -

“Fuck that! You know that’s how people work! Before that, they were after our parents, insisting they’re all terrorists, just because they were muslims, because they were different… Now they just treat any person who isn’t full of fucking money, and therefore power, just as shitty! I say, bring it on! Let everyone else eat from the cake our parents and grandparents always had to...”

“But things would be so much better if everyone were treated the same in a nice way...” Miakel tried to insert, only to be interrupted by Elias as well

“Fuck, Mikael, you’re so naive! Things never worked out that happily, dammit...” Elias scoffed

“I actually agree with Mik, it’s...” Yousef said

“Of course you fucking agree with Mik, they’ll work out for you that way soon!” Elias answered to Yousef with a smirk

“Na…” Yousef shrugged, blush spreading on his cheeks

“Not yet, man! But you’re getting there!” Adam added, a bright smile colouring his face

“You’ll be together one day, you know that, she’s really fond of you man...” Mikael smirked, his hand stretched out to slap fondly on Yousef’s shoulder

“I’m not so sure...” Yousef continued to stutter

“Not so sure? Fucking hell, dude, do you have eyes? Nobody can miss it when the two of you are next to each other...” Mutta shouted enthusiastically

“But what if we’ll never see eachother again?” Yousef asked shyly, his eyes looking at his hands, his face down in embarrassment

“You know you will, we’ll get there… She has to focus on building herself now, but she promised she’ll come back, right? She promised us she’ll take care of herself and that everything will be alright” Elias said

“Yeah, I know, just...” Yousef said

“Listen, you’re so damn lucky dude, like… All of us, we’ve got each other, but we didn’t fall in love, yet, and having what you have, all those feelings in such a messed up world, it’s just… So damn beautiful and inspiring” Mikael said, heartfelt, his eyes shining bright.

“Ehh… Did you have anyone, before you joined us, Even? Like, a lover?” Yousef asked him hesitantly after a long silence, and Even just stared back for a long moment.

All his life, Even was lonely. He had nobody to love other than his family. And Even never complained about that, never will complain about that, about having his family, about the entire 28 years he was growing with caring parents and 14 years spent with his lovely Lea. Most of the people around him didn’t have a family anymore all those years. But a love of a family member must be something different than having a lover, right? It had to be something else, it couldn’t be what he had been dreaming about having all along, it couldn’t be what all those fairy tales and romantic novels had been talking about. It couldn’t be what Mia had been talking about all the time for the weeks he got to know her and Jon.

Even was always alone in this world on this aspect, and not from choice. He had no choice in this matter. People like him never got a chance when it came to love.

“There was that one girl, but we hadn’t been together” Even admitted by the end reluctantly. Because that was all he had, those fantasies of having something with Sonja in a better world where his condition would matter less, where being with someone like him wouldn’t be equal to risking your life and living with constant fear of being executed.  

“Why not?” Adam asked

“We didn’t fit” Even answered with a shrug. They didn’t fit and it would never work because Even wasn’t fit to love, just like Jon once described himself and Mia. Some people weren’t fit to love, some people didn’t deserve love, could never have love in this world, didn’t get the privilege.

“How could you know if you didn’t give it a chance?” Mutta asked quietly, looking at his face with confusion mingled with wonder. And how could Even explain any of them that besides the fact it wasn’t right because she was his therapist, he was a broken man. He was a broken man that was better staying at home, being next to Lea, where he belonged all those years. A place he would never have anymore. How could he tell them he was in this situation because he should be dead now, that it was illegal for him to even be alive those days? How could he really share anything about himself without revealing his entire self? Without putting himself in danger?

“It doesn’t matter anymore, she’s gone” he said while staring in the air in front of him. And Even wasn’t sure if Sonja was still alive or not, all he knew was that her house was empty when it shouldn’t had been the last time he checked, that day when he lost his family. She might be gone, so it wasn’t like he was entirely lying.

“I’m so sorry, dude, I’m sure you’ll find someone someday” Mikael squeezed his shoulder with empathy.

“Maybe” Even shrugged as he answered. Elias was giving him strange looks, and Even trembled under his gaze. It sometimes felt as if Elias was almost reading him like an open book, as if he was close to figure out everything about him. Even breathed slowly, trying to relax himself completely, and Elias finally seemed to look away, his gaze no longer burning into Even’s soul. The moment passed and Even started to relax again, because at this minute, everything was fine. At this minute, Even and his secrets were still safe.   

***

Even was waken up to loud whispers one cold night. He was awake to find his bag wasn’t in the same place he left it the night before, and he rushed to it, opening the bag quickly to glance inside it and check if everything was in its’ place - The green notebook, the hoodies, the pens and… panic was rushing up his throat, accompanied with anxiety which blocked his breathing path. Because his medications weren’t where he left them. Fucking hell, they were nowhere to be found. Even tried to search inside the pockets of the pants he wore, because maybe he remembered wrong, maybe he forgot to put his medications in his backpack for the night, maybe… But his pockets were empty. They were gone. Even looked around him in the shelter, seeing the other three guys asleep. Three, because Elias was supposed to look out on the shelter, and another one was missing, but Even wasn’t sure who it was. The voices outside got louder, and Even put his backpack’s braces on his shoulders and slowly reached for the aperture of the shelter, his entire body shivering from stress and his steps small, quiet and hesitant. Even sneaked out, into the freezing cold of the night, and walked in the shadows. Then, he saw Elias standing in front of Mikael, shouting whispers at his face while his arms moved wildly as he talked.

“Just tell me what you know, Mikael...”

“Elias, I told you already, I only...”

“No, Mik, I already know, man! I’ve been following him for a while, because he disappeared each day, and you know how I am, and he was hiding so damn much from us, and I only saw him take them once, but I couldn’t see clearly and... He’s really...”

“Yeah, Elias, man, listen...”

“No, but Mik, you’ve got to understand! I had to make sure I saw right, because I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do… And I WAS right, as they were right there in his bag….”

“Dude! You looked through his stuff??!”

{Run boy Run}

And with that, Even could hear alarms in his head. He took a defeated step backwards, and then another one, and another one and... A loud voice of a branch cracking cut through the thick air, and Even froze once again. Mikael and Elias looked right towards him, at first in fear but then in panic, but before any of them could do anything Even turned around and started to run.

He could hear Mikael shouting behind him, trying to reach him, cursing once in awhile, but Even kept on running - His long legs giving him an advantage, and soon he lost all of them behind him between the trees. He couldn’t hear them behind him anymore, but Even kept on running, just in case, because now they knew. They knew and Even wasn’t safe with them anymore.

*

Even didn’t sleep that night. He wandered through the woods, his legs and lungs burning, but not as much as his soul. He should have seen it coming. He had that coming. How could he even believe he’d be able to have sort of a normal life? How could he believe people who weren’t like him would understand?

Elias probably wanted to kick him out, or something… He probably wanted to find the right moment to leave him behind, and all he had to do was to find a way to convince Mikael, who probably suspected all along, to leave broken Even behind. Broken Even who was nothing but a liability, a death sentence for every person who came too close to him.

Even felt tears burning his cheeks, and he caught his lower lip with his teeth, to keep his whimpers silenced.

*  

When Even finally let himself to sit, he took a few deep breaths and then reached into his backpack, which was on the ground right in front of him, between his legs, to take another hoodie out, to wrap around his shivering body. He fought the hoodie out, and with it fell out on the ground his green notebook and his medication. He reached for the little bottle, which shook as he fell, and opened it to find his pills inside. With trembling hands, Even put the little bottle in his pant’s pockets before pulling the hoodie on his head.

_I did the best decision runing, it doesn’t mean they didn’t plan to leave me, I had to leave before they’ll leave me…_

But if it was the right decision - Why did he feel so damn guilty and ashamed about it? Why did it feel so wrong?

***

{Keaton}

Even was walking the endless woods for hours, collecting vegetation with his bare hands and eating some fruits he found around. The woods were mostly silence, out of the crisp of birds from far above his head, but those were far above the tops of the trees. Even was walking in silence, breathing the fresh air around him, trying to relax himself by softly brushing the branches he passed next to with his bare hands. He tried to ground his thoughts, he tried to silence his mind, just like his surroundings were silence.

It didn’t help, and as a last resort - Even took out his green notebook and sat on the moist ground. He opened the notebook in a blank page and after taking a few deep breaths he took out his pen and started to draw his surroundings - He drew the different shaped of the leaves around him, he drew the few little drops of water that were resting upon a few of them, he drew the little ladybug that walked on one of the leaves and he drew the grass as detailed as he could. Even didn’t notice how hard he pushed the pen upon the page of his notebook until it tore the page a little bit, and Even stared at the page helplessly, trying to hold back his tears. Because everything went wrong. Everything went to hell and Even was all alone - All by himself. And tearing that page, somehow tore something inside him - His last piece of calmness, a piece he held onto helplessly, barely… And his island of silence broke by his whimpers, that quickly turned into unstoppable sobs, his face buried in his left elbow as he let the tears flew and his yelps echoed from one tree to the other, vibrating all around him. He wanted nothing more than Lea’s hands around his at this moment, his mother’s grounding words and his father’s full of warmth stare, but all that was left from them was a few doodles in his notebook and the hoodies to his body, all that was left from him was his loneliness. And now he was lonelier than ever, and it hurt so bad.

_I miss you all so much. I miss you all so much that it’s hard to breath. I don’t want to breath._

Even didn’t know how much time passed since he sat on the moist ground. He didn’t know when he stopped whimpering, and the only thing that continued was his tears - Wetting his face without any permission from his conscious, running from his eyes down his cheeks without any control. Even didn’t know when they stopped falling from his eyes, and he didn’t know when the wet strips they left on his face dried on his skin. He didn’t know how long he stared in the space in front of him without seeing anything at all, without thinking anything at all. He didn’t know what happened, but suddenly he was in the present again, trying to wipe his face with the sleeves of his hoodie. He turned the pages of the notebook back, to the drawing of his family, from the day they lost them, and he stared at his drawn faces and the smudged piece of ink on the page. He let his hand softly caress their drawn faces before reaching closer and planting dry soft, barely there, kisses over them. Giving the page a last look, he closed the notebook and pushed it back into his backpack. After bracing his shoulders, Even pushed himself up to his legs. He put his backpack on his back and started to walk.

_Mom, dad, Lea… For you. I’d do anything for you._

***

Even was walking for weeks now - Or was it days? He wasn’t sure anymore. All he knew was that he was walking for way too long, and that the fruits and vegetation he was eating just weren’t enough to silence his roaring stomach and hunger. He was desperate for something to keep him strong and walking, for an evening he will finally go to sleep with his stomach full and not almost empty, for a night he would sleep fully without waking up because of his aching stomach.

Even was desperate. He was desperate for something, anything, to stop this whole situation, he would do almost anything at this point, almost… And there it was. It was lying on the ground, and it still looked fresh, as if the animal who killed it just left it there a few moments ago. Even promised himself when he was little he would never eat another creature, he promised himself he wouldn’t do it, he promised… But he was so hungry it was hard to think, he was so hungry that he didn’t know how he would survive without filling his stomach at this moment…

Even tried to convince himself he can survive without it as he set a bonfire. He tried to convince himself further, as he made sure the meat was well done, that he didn’t need to eat it, that he will survive further without it, that there must be more nonpoisonous fruits in the area.

_I can do this, I’ve already denied it - more than once, I don’t need this, I was fine all those years, I can do this..._

But he couldn’t do this.

Even was taking his first bite and swallowed. He couldn’t taste anything, he couldn’t feel the flavours and his slow biting turned into nearly swallowing the entire meat. He felt inhuman. He felt so lost. He was breathing heavily as he was done, he was breathing as if he just ran for hours, but he didn’t realize what he had just done up until a few minutes later. The emptiness and the craving turned into guilt, laced with panic and disgust. So much disgust.

Even found himself puking loudly and uncontrollably not a minute later. He was puking as if he’d never puked before in his life. He couldn’t believe he’d done it. His mind couldn’t accept this, and his body, which was still so hungry, seemed to agree with his alarming thoughts. The shame and self hate for giving up and trying to eat this poor creature burned harder than the puke rising in his throat. The tears and the sweat that stuck to his body burned even harder and made his feel even more dirty. Some of his puke stuck to his hoodie, and he threw it off his body in exhaustion and covered the shutting down bonfire with it. The air around him felt moist and his entire body felt sticky.

That night, Even went to sleep hungry again.

*

The next morning, Even woke up more exhausted than he ever remembered himself to be. He decided that today his hunger would stop, today he’d eat an entire forest if it meant his hunger would stop. Today, he would take his time to take care of himself, no matter what it might take - he had to, or he wouldn’t survive anymore.

Even couldn’t believe his luck when, after a few hours of walking in the unforgiving sun, he was facing an urban area, which included old supermarkets and shelters. A supermarket could be the solution to most of his problems, if there were still cans of food there.Cans were the best for people those days, as some of them still included edible food, even after all of those years, and the cans themselves could be reused if you used them wisely.

As Even reached closer and observed the area, everything around him seemed as quiet as death, and Even slowly reached the first supermarket, sneaking in as quietly as he could - just in case.

The supermarket had a nasty smell and the air felt dirty. Almost all the shelves were empty, but there was one piece of candy or a rotten vegetable here and there. Even didn’t give up -he just kept on moving, searching for cans, or for anything else that he might be able to eat.

He found the cans section to be empty, apart from three cans that rolled to the next section of the store. He stuffed those cans hurriedly into his backpack and continues walking, searching for more. Searching until he saw him - a man, wearing army clothes, and before Even could slowly retreat unnoticed - the man noticed him as well and took out his gun, shouting at him to stop at his place as Even started to run away. Even was running until he was reaching a deadlock, and he was taking a deep breath and turned around to face his chaser, ready for the worst. Just as the man faced him, a crooked smile on his face, the gun was thrown away from him hand, accompanying a loud scream which escaped his mouth. Two precise thumps to his shoulder later, he was unconscious on the floor.

“Run!” a short beautiful female wearing a hijab shouted at him as she ran towards him, catching his hand in her palm and spurring him to run as if their lives depend on this. They probably were. Quickly but surely, Even was before her, dragging her behind him and moving according to her directions.

They finally were far far away from the supermarket,both leaning against different walls of another building, a ruined abandoned building.

“What did you think???” she whispered between heavy breaths, her tone harsh.

“I was just… hungry and I…”

“So you walked right into a supermarket??? In the middle of the day??” she looked at him as if he was stupid, as if it was a silly thing to do. But she didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand what he’d been through.

“I couldn't take it anymore, I had to…” he tried to somehow explain, only to be cut by her harsh tone once again.

“You needed to hunt” she said as a matter of fact.

“I don’t hunt”

She rolled her eyes and threw her hands in the hair as she answered -

“Okay, I don’t judge, just… Don’t do stuff like that again,if you want to stay alive, you’re lucky I was around”

She was probably right, it was probably wrong, but his needs - his roaring stomach and never resting mind took advantage over his reason. Even had never been that hungry and desperate before, he’d never done something that stupid before, unless…

_Am I slipping? Can it be that I’m slipping and I just don’t recognize the signals?_

But it didn’t feel like mania - He wasn’t full of energy and ideas, he was still on his medication and he was sleeping as regularly as he could, considering his situation. It wasn’t mania, it couldn’t be. It was just the hunger that made him careless - hunger and loneliness.

“Are you all alone?” she asked him after a long silence, observing his face, throwing him out of his roaring thoughts.

But as much as he wanted company, as much as he wanted to admit it - Even couldn’t tell her he was all along, he couldn’t let her know he was on the run, even if she wasn’t a part of the forces. He also didn’t want to open his mouth to answer, afraid he won’t find his voice, so he simply raised his eyebrows and nodded as an answer. She seemed to accept it as she continued -

“You should probably get back to them, better not to keep them worried” she nodded back at him as she answered.

“What about you?”

“I have my crew, just on my way to meet up with other friends, then I’ll join my gang again… I should probably go now…” she answered as she looked around her, as if she was searching for her friends nearby -

“Just… take care, okay? Don’t do any silly stuff” she added as she looked at his face again.

“I won’t” Even promised her.

And,with that,she was off the wall and started to head out the building. And Even suddenly realized that with everything happening so damn fast, he didn’t even thank her.

“Wait… What’s your name?” he talked to her back, and she turned her head back,her body still turned to where she was headed -

“Sana, yours?”

“Even.” he simply said - “Thank you for saving my ass back then, Sana” he added with a sincere smile.

Sana smiled right back and she had the most beautiful dimples he’d ever seen.

“Goodbye Even” she said, then continued walking away.

**

{So lonely}

Even was using the cans he found, until they were empty of food. The food in them seemed to help his mind concentrate again, as Even finally was able to take his green notebook out of his backpack and search for something to draw. He was in the end of a grove one evening, sitted on one of the last trees’ branches as he watched the sun setting, his pen dancing on the paper while he was trying to capture the warmth of the view and its’ depths with a one colour pen.

Drawing finally relaxed him again, and he could just enjoy a few moments of peaceful drawing without being bothered from his not any longer aching stomach. He could finally take things minute by minute again, basically enjoying the present moment from his place on the branch, high above any invading eye.

But as the sun was set and darkness and coldness spread around him, his peace of mind set as well, and some dark thoughts rose instead. Because Even was so alone - he had nobody he could trust and it shouldn’t be this hard. It wouldn’t be this hard if he wasn’t that he was accustomed to being with other people for his whole life, for a little bit more than 28 years.

And there came that conversation with the guys to his mind, that conversation they had back when he was still with them - that conversation about that graffiti he had done. And with the conversation, she came into his mind - Sonja. Sonja was his mainstay, along with Lea, for so long. But Sonja wasn’t like Lea. Sonja was a woman, a grown up, strong woman, who had been there for him. Even knew she probably wouldn’t been there, if it wasn’t her job, but still… He couldn’t deny his attraction towards her, those desires that bubbled underneath the surface all those years when he talked with her at her tattered basement.

And Even? Even felt pathetic, and desperate, for still thinking about the unreachable Sonja. It was wrong, it was so wrong as Sonja was older and his therapist. She wasn’t really what he should be looking for. He shouldn’t be looking for anyone. Nobody could love Even, broken Even who wasn’t suited for love, broken Even who was living finally as he always should have - alone, far away from people he could hurt and that might hurt him. But it hurt so badly. It hurt so badly, because all Even wanted and needed was love.

Even never was in a relationship for a reason, he had never tried for many reasons, but remembering Yousef had somebody out there - It broke him a little inside. Of course he was happy for Yousef, but he couldn’t push those feelings away. Was it jealousy? Perhaps, probably… There was nothing Even could do about those thoughts, as all his life it was only him and no one else romantically. Even was starting to feel like a character in play, one of those plays he used to love to read and later dramatized with himself in the safety of his room. But unlike those plays, where the hero mostly had a lover, someone who wanted him back, Even felt like he was the only character in the play his life turned into.

**

{Glow}

_But, in the middle of my loneliness and despair, in the middle of helplessness, that’s when hope came through. That’s the moment my world stopped. That’s the moment my world seemed to get its’ colors back._

Because Even was walking for days now. His feet hurt badly and his mind felt more disconnected from his body than ever before.

He was now on the top of a big old tree in the middle of a field. It was a lonely tree that caught Even’s eyes from afar. It caught his eyes because this tree was just like Even - alone and out of place in its’ surroundings. Even reached the tree and in the beginning he sat under it, enjoying the shadow it casted on Even’s body and the slight change of temperature below it. But when Even got a bit too comfortable, he remembered he was on a run. He couldn’t be seen, what if someone would attack him? What if someone recognized him? There was no safe place in this world, as Even learnt a long time ago. So Even climbed on this tree. He climbed clumsily until he was up, on one of the higher wide branches. Until he was hidden from any paving eye.

Even enjoyed the coldness the shadows brought for a few seconds, or minutes; he lost count. He enjoyed the freedom of being up and hidden, the feeling of a little safety he didn’t feel for a very long time, if any time at all. He was enjoying being alone for once in his life. Loneliness meant no one would know about his weaknesses, about his difficulties and how out of place he was in this world. Even enjoyed all those thoughts up until he couldn’t.

He couldn’t because there HE was. The air seemed to stand still, warm, clogged and suffocating, and Even couldn’t breathe. He was afraid his breath would ruin the moment. There he was down below walking in the field, the sun glowing up above him, but it didn’t shine like HIM. He was the sun, he was more than the sun - he was the middle of the universe. His blonde hair was lightened by the sun, shining for miles. But Even couldn’t even believe he had ever thought the sun was shining bright, because the light coming from the sun was nothing like the sight before him. Even was overwhelmed. He was overwhelmed because this man had golden curls, the kind of curls that deserved songs and stories to be written about their complexity and integrity. He looked like an angel in the middle of this lonely hell. Even always wondered why does the sun go on shining in this hell, he was wondering how could it shine everyday like nothing happened down here on earth, as if everything was fine. Now Even was wondering why the sun bothered shining when there were wonders like this down here on earth, shining on the ground. Because this man seemed to dim everything around him.

He had a skin as white as milk, and all Even wanted to do was to touch him, run his hands softly on the man’s soft skin and marble him, cherish him, praise him endlessly. But Even couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t reach out for the man below him, walking down in the field.

This man was ripped, covered with muscles, his arms popping out of a cropped out white shirt. It seemed as if he was made of muscles, and apparently Even had never experienced thirst before. He was thirsty for what was infront of him, even from afar, even before clearly seeing the man’s face. It was illegal, or it should be illegal, to walk around like that. Fucking hell. Even wanted nothing more than to be held by those strong hands. He had never wanted to be held before.

Was it the moment Mia was talking about for weeks? Was it what she had always dreamt about? Was it the moment the novels he cherished talked about and he could never see himself living? Because this man wasn’t real. He couldn’t be real. This man was what fairytales were made of. He was more than any fairytale could ever consist. For once in his lifetime, Even’s mind stopped, and all he could do was ogle and drool, staring speechless at the wonder below him.

The man turned towards the tree Even was hiding on and if Even thought he was a lost case before, when he saw him from afar, he didn’t know what was coming. Because Even could now see, as the man got closer and closer, that this man was nothing but beautiful. Beautiful was an understatement. For once in his life, Even, who was well accustomed with words, turned speechless. There weren’t words that could describe that man.

Because that man, he had a face that seemed out of this world, sculptured by the greatest sculptures, one of a Greek god, his cheekbones high and as sharp as knifes, his chin strong and permanent, his lips lean and pouty, begging to be kissed and sucked… Even thought he was lost his entire life, and even more so in the last couple of weeks. Even thought, but nothing prepared him to the sight before his eyes and how lost it made him feel.

{In a Heartbeat}

Fucking hell, that _was_ exactly what Mia talked about, yet it also seemed so much stronger than what Mia was talking about. It felt like a dream, like an addictive drug, like something both pure and full of desire, something which is so close yet so out of reach, both relaxing and exciting. Even had never felt his heart beating that fast and loud before. It felt as if it was about to burst out of his chest and pull him down from this branch and right into the man’s strong arms.  

Even wanted to reach out, he wanted to wipe the sweat off that man’s body and touch and feel…. He wanted so much more than just feel. But just a touch would be enough, just a whisper on that man’s skin... But Even couldn’t. What if he was the enemy? What if he was part of the forces? What if approaching that man would be equal to death, would he risk it all? Would it be worth it?

Even couldn’t even contemplate the idea, as suddenly there was something wrong, because the serious and relaxed look on the man’s face was turning into a confused and a bit terrified one, and he started to run towards the tree Even was hiding on with determination in his eyes while pulling a knife out of his trousers and Even felt the last bits of air that were held in his lungs being forcefully sucked out. But he wasn’t running towards Even. Even was invisible to anybody on the ground and especially to wonders like this man. The man was running towards someone who was in the other side of the tree, close enough for Even to notice him from afar now, but too far from being heard. Even’s eyes followed the young blonde-haired man’s muscled back while he was running towards the other man, his eyes were helplessly staring at the man’s strong muscled legs as he ran. As the blonde angel stopped, Even noticed the other man was an old man, limping while bleeding from his legs and shouting something Even couldn’t hear, couldn’t manage to listen to even if he could hear, because Even was still lost, drowning from the angel before his eyes. Even couldn’t hear anything anymore, all he could do was to stare. Was Even ever capable to do anything other than stare? He couldn’t remember anymore.

But then, the old man fell to the ground, and the blonde-haired man stopped before reaching him, his knife still in his hand, which seemed now to slightly tremble, his hands moving up and down as he was standing in his place, probably talking with the old man. Then, Even saw him putting the knife back into his trousers’ pocket and reaching closer to the old man, dropping to his knees and pulling his backpack off his shoulders. And he didn’t understand what was going on until he could recognize bandages and water being pulled out, along with a few bottles and a little white box.

Even was staring at the young blonde man sitting on his knees and taking care of the old man, his arms flexing and pulling as his hands moved professionally and calmly along the old man’s legs, his curls bouncing, his white shirt riding up his back as he bent over the man, exposing another milky piece of soft skin, which was staring back at Even, begging him to reach, to touch, to do anything other than just cherish from afar. This thirsting torture continued until the blonde angel justified his work as done, and took the old man’s hand to squeeze it tightly, still sited on his knees next to the old man, still looming above him in a calming supportive way. Even could see the two men were having a conversation, before the blonde one raised to his feet to run towards the direction the old man came from, leaving him behind. Even stared at his back until he couldn’t anymore, as he was passing the horizon, and his eyes couldn’t leave the last spot he saw the man’s back at. Even felt hypnotized, stuck on a bench, his cheeks warm, his stomach feeling fuzzy and his mouth opened a gap. What the fuck was THAT? What was all of THAT?

But before Even could contemplate in everything that happened before his eyes, the young blonde was walking back with a young woman, who started to run the moment she noticed the old man on the ground. The women fell to her knees next to the old man, sobbing while hugging him, and the young blonde pulled a few things out of his bag while sitting next to her, then gave them to her softly while telling her something and squeezed her shoulder. He then raised to his feet, and walked with determination towards the other side of the field, towards the submerging sun, taking with his leaving the light out of Even’s world, but leaving him with uncountable poems in his racing heart.

*

{I think it’s going to rain today}

Even didn’t know when he climbed down the tree. He lost a trace of time, he lost a train of his surrounding. All he could think about his this man. Even’s legs were like jelly, wobbling and unstable, as he landed on the ground, and not only from the long sitting on the branch, but also from the storm inside him. Was it even real? Could it even be real? It felt like an illusion.

Of course Even saw people save lives before, but it was mostly along the army people, who helped one another, or some people from the forces, when a rebellious young man or woman tried to protest violently against their policy. The streets were flooding from pained people, people who panicked because of the forces’ violence, people who were broken from losing everything, but Even never saw someone just drop everything and take care of someone else with so much passion and care. He never thought such kindness and novelty exist in this world. It was against the rules of the game, to help others like that, and that angel, that beautiful, stunning, out of this world angel just did it out in the field. Fucking hell. Even didn’t know how he managed to stay on the branch, how he managed not to fall off that tree, while he fell so deeply from the inside.

Even was going slowly in the shadows, staring once in awhile at the darkening skies above his head. It seemed so peaceful around him, it was so peaceful in that part of the country, and it contrasted so hard with his bubbling feelings, with the storm of emotions inside of him. How could the world around him seem so calm when everything inside him bluster? Was the world around him even real? The silence seemed out of place.

After a long time walking in the shadows slowly, his head up in the clouds and his heart beating fast in his chest, Even found a shattered shelter to hide in for the night in the outskirts of the ruined city next to the field, but he couldn’t rest. Every time he closed his eyes - soft milky skin, tight muscles and blonde perfect curls were showed before his face.

And slowly but surely, Even’s entire body turned warm and uncomfortable, his pants way too tight to feel comfortable only from his thoughts, and he turned helplessly from one side to the other on the cold ground and seeked for a moment his mind would rest, for that mysterious man to leave his thoughts.

It didn’t happen. And sometime along the night, it began to rain. And there wasn’t really a roof above Even’s head, so he let the rain to wash over his body, hoping the water and the coldness of his surrounding would cool him down.

They didn’t. Even’s body, mind and soul stayed warm the entire sleepless night.

*

After that sleepless night, Even had to move on. He had to continue on his run, especially because there was a reason that old man was THAT hurt yesterday, there had to be. So, Even got up from the hard cold floor and tried to stretch his aching body. The sun was out, but its light seemed deemed, and not only because the skies were painted with many clouds. The world seemed gloomy because the light left with that man, that man Even couldn’t get out of his head.

But Even kept on walking. He was avoiding the ruined city and dived right back into the forest near it, to the wild, hidden between tall trees. The forest was built on a hill, and Even climbed slowly all day long, listening to the animals around him, collecting some leaves to eat and looking with wonder at the world around him. It was darker between the trees, but his thoughts about this man lighten up Even and kept him warm all along. He was walking all day long, and he was having a great time, drowning in his thoughts, fantasizing about that mysterious man, about a better world where they’ll meet again and things wouldn’t be messed up. A world where they can be together.

But who was Even really kidding? Why would a man who looked like THIS, who could treat others so tenderly and softly, would ever want someone like Even? Even was a lonely man. He was alone and this is all he should count on - his loneliness. In this ruined world, luckily, Even would never have to face that kind of rejection. He would never have to feel the burning of not being wanted by this man because they’ll never meet again.

It was now starting to rain again, somewhen along his walk in the forest, and it was feeling as if all Even could hear was the waterfalls of water outside the forest. They seemed so far away, yet he knew they were washing all around him, just out of reach. The high trees and their wide impressive branches gave a dry shelter, beyond a couple of tears.

It was starting to darken and the air around Even became colder than he could manage. He had to find a closed shelter. He was in the middle of nowhere. He was walking without a plan the whole day long, his head deep in thoughts about the unreachable man his mind might had created, his heart beating fast and his chest warm, and not from physical effort. Fucking hell, he was lost, both in his thoughts and in his surroundings.

And the rain, it just continued to pour, it got stronger and wilder and Even could hear the wind scream far above his head, almost as loud as his thoughts, and Even knew he had to find somewhere to hide, he had to or he might not make it to tomorrow.

Even saw he was getting closer and closer to some sort of an end. The forest around him became less and less crowded with trees and the rain slowly but surely wet his clothes. He knew it meant he was reaching some sort of an end of the tree area, and he hoped to see some sort of a solution to his shelter problem. Luckily for him, it was exactly the case, as by the end of the crowded tree area was a little cave, right by the end of the hill.

Even didn’t think twice before running towards it and going in. As he was sitting inside, his surrounding still cold but his heart still warm and his stomach still full of butterflies, he was sitting on the cold floor and opening his green notebook, his pen in hand.

That night, on the cold stone floor, away from the rain and the wind, using his backpack as some sort of a pillow, Even slept like a log. And in the safety of his backpack, on the last drawn page in his notebook, he was drawn on a stage in the middle of a field, his face to the rising sun - So out of reach, yet so close.

*

{Blood on the pavement}

Even was slowly waking up, his entire body sore and aching from a long night spent on the hard and freezing cave floor. He tried to move his sore body, groaning in frustration from the pain.

He brought his hands up to his face, to wipe the tiredness off his eyes, when he noticed that they were wet. His hands were wet and it seemed not to be from water, there was thick, almost metallic in its’ smell liquid on his hands. He searched around him for something to wipe the liquid with, but when he touched the ground it was wet as well. And it couldn’t be what he was thinking about, because it was just insane, right? He couldn’t be seeing everything right; the cave was still dark and the shadows did tricks on his tired already terrified mind. Even quickly rose to his feet, moving frankly towards the cave’s opening, where a little bit more light got through.

Even whimpered as he could finally see his hands clearly. He whimpered loudly and helplessly tried to wipe his hands on his pants, panic rising in his throat. There was blood on his hands. There was probably blood on the floor around him. Even was searching for cuts on his body, he was helplessly searching for any sign of hurt on himself, his hands trailing up and down quickly, slightly trembling. How could he miss the pain with all this blood? How could he sleep through it? He was looking and tailing his hands along himself and he found nothing. There were no cuts, no harms. All this blood - it wasn’t his own.

Even could cry, because he couldn’t understand how could it even be possible? How could he hurt something through his sleep, how could he hurt anything? He couldn’t even hunt, he wasn’t able to hurt a fly, and the panic was clouding all his senses, making him dizzy and he felt puke raising up in his throat. It couldn’t be his, it couldn’t.

Even was on the verge of sobbing when he heard a quiet whimper, and he froze in his place, because it wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening to him. He was slowly walking back into the cave towards the sound, only to clearly hear a cough and a few more whimpers, and then he saw her. A brown-haired woman was laying on the floor in the shadows, her body limp and full of blood, her voices are muffled and she seemed in so much pain.

Even wanted to reach out and try to help, but as she looked at him, her face was laced with panic and alarm, her body curling on itself.

“Hey, I just want to help, I just…”

“Go away from me! Oh my god, stay the fuck away from me you piece of shit, how could you do this to me, how could you?!” and she was crying louder, and Even was backing away with shock. It wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening… He was on a verge of a panic attack as he was pulled back to reality as a stone was thrown towards him, and he barely managed to back away. The woman started to laugh at him, her smile vicious and full of malic, and Even could do nothing but to freeze and look at her in shock.

“Gosh, you’re so weak, it sickens me.” She laughed at him and began to raise to her feet, a sly smile on her face, her right hand reaching to her pants as Even got a hold on his senses and started to run away with tightness in his lungs as he heard her gun being loaded behind him.

Even was running with everything inside of him, jumping from one rock to the other, trying to keep his balance on this ridge, his legs failing him and he was stumbling frequently, supporting his body with his hands on the trees around him, trying to find a hiding place, if he could only… He could hear a gunshot behind him and he continued to run, his senses enlightened as the adrenaline was washing through him, covering him, waking every little nerve in his body. Even saw a huge tree and with a glance behind him he saw she was searching for him, he could hide there before resuming his running, he could hide and breath for a few moments, just to charge his powers. So he jumped behind the wide tree and tried to regulate and quiet his loud breathing while his lungs were burning like they were on fire.

“Come on, don’t be shy, handsome. Come out of your hiding place and let’s have some fun” She was shouting slyly as he could hear her getting closer, her steps loud, clear and full of confidence, braking brunches and cracking leaves as she reached closer and closer.

And one moment Even could sense her getting closer to his hiding place, almost finding him, and his breath stopped and he caught his bottom lip with his teeth to hold in his whimpers. But then, there was a sound from the other direction, and his attacker was turning the other way, her steps getting further and further until she yelped in fear and the gun was fired once only to be followed by a curse and a few screams. And Even peeked from his hiding place behind the huge and wide tree to see the gun neglected on the floor as his attacker was facing a man, who was taller and wider and his head was covered by a hoodie, but Even could see he was trained in fighting, and before he knew it, the woman was thrown to the ground, where she tried to reach her gun who was kicked far away from her reaching hand by the man’s leg, which was now pulled by the woman. The man lost his balance and fell on the ground next to her.

“Fuck” he shouted as the woman tried to hit his face and he rolled away, pulling her with him, only for both to lose their balance and be rolling down the ridge, getting closer to the edge of it. And Even had to help this man, who jumped on his attacker, he had to do something. He searched for stones on the ground helplessly, as some sort of a weapon, but then he heard rushed steps and peeked to see two more men running closer from the other side of the hill, their knives were in their hands.

“Fuck, leave him alone!” One of them, a tall blonde, shouted as they saw the fighting man and woman, reaching closer - “You’re one and we’re three, just give up” he tried to reason with the woman who still tried to fight the other man who was with her on the floor, her hair going everywhere and blood covering her hands and the other man’s hoodie. They were way too close to the edge, they were about to fall, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was sitting on the man’s legs, her hands bounding him from moving, fighting him for surrender, as she looked up on the two other men, and before any of them could do anything, before they could reach a little closer, she pulled a knife out and pointed it towards the throat of the man she kept below her, and the other two men were about to reach closer, to try and get involved somehow, but the man on the ground stopped them as he shouted with a broken voice – “Magnus, stay there, don’t get closer!”

“Fucking hell, Isak, you’ve got to be kidding me, you…” the other man started to shout and stopped when there was a pained yelp from the man on the floor,from Isak. And Even’s heart broke. He couldn’t help but breaking as he heard his voice. He felt helpless and he didn’t know what to do, how to help, how to get things better.

“That’s right, Magnus, stay there” the woman added – “And you, Isak, come on, turn over to your stomach, then sit on your knees” she told the man below her, her voice vicious. Isak, did as he was told, and only when he was down there on his knees, she pushed him into standing, her hands wrapping around his strong shoulders and then Even saw his face and his heart broke all over again, because this was THIS man. This man wasn’t a creation of Even’s mind, he wasn’t just a fantasy. The perfect man he saw yesterday, he was real. He was real and he put his life in risk and fell into a trap that was set up for Even. Even couldn’t let it happen, he couldn’t see it happening, he had to step it up and expose himself, she was after him, not after Isak, he couldn’t let her harm him further, he couldn’t.

But then everything happened way too fast. One moment her hands were still around Isak’s neck, his face pained, and the other moment her knife was on the ground and Isak was pushing back, throwing both himself and the lady backwards down the edge of the ridge while screaming loudly. And Even’s world crumbled. It crushed around him as he heard Isak’s and the woman’s screams as they fell backwards down from the edge up until their screams were muffled by a huge sound of splashing water and then everything were silenced but Even’s heart and Isak’s friends rushed steps towards the edge of the hill.

“Fucking hell” the blonde haired one, Magnus, shouted as they were looking down. And there was silence as they looked down up until they were looking at each other and the other man, a dark-skinned muscled man, was saying - “We’ve got to get down there immediately.”

Magnus was nodding before he was reaching down to the knife the woman was holding before and then both took off.

{One more miracle}

Even was still hiding behind the tree until he couldn’t hear their steps any longer, and then he attentively rushed to the edge of the hill to look at the lake below it. His heart was in his throat and everything hurt. He had tears in his eyes because this couldn’t be happening. Isak had to survive, he had to be fine, he had to or Even might jump to the water right now to save him, he would search the entire lake for him. He had to be fine or Even wouldn’t know how to move on with his life, because this wasn’t fair, Isak’s story can’t end up this way. As Even looked over the edge, the woman was nowhere to be seen, but he could see a wet mop of blond hair swimming in the lake. _Isak_. Isak was fine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings: Self hate, puking, fighting and lots of tears  
> *  
> There are lots of misunderstandings in this chapter, and it's important to note we don't know everything that happens - We only see the world through Even's eyes, we can only see his input - thoughts and feelings - about everything that's happening and how he interrupts the situations... Everything will be solved and explained in future chapters, I can promise you that! But, I'll be delighted to hear your thoughts and theories - You can mention them in the comments below if you'd like <3 xxx  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the second chapter](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/1hBJVvhG9gt8n5W6prk5xI)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first part](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/08IGRietc2c1HCfjgx79kW)  
> *  
> Thank you for reading! <3 If you felt anything at all, or just want to say anything about this fic - kudos, bookmarks and comments are highly appreciated and absolutely mean the world to me! <3  
> You can also always come and talk with me on [My Tumblr](http://thepersonalblogofsh.tumblr.com/)! xx  
> *  
> I hope I'll be able to upload the next chapter faster than it took me to upload this one <3 I'll try x


	3. My heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even knew that if he’d only get the chance, if he’d only meet Isak again through some sort of a miracle, he would devote himself completely to this stranger, to this angel, he would love him as if there was no tomorrow, if Isak would only let him, if Isak would give him the opportunity. Even was afraid from those thoughts, but he felt vulnerable, sitting in the middle of nowhere on the ground and crying his eyes out with his notebook placed firmly above his heart.  
> Because Even could picture the two of them lying softly together, taking care of each other, promising each other forever as if it was a possibility, as if it wasn’t too much to wish for... But it was too much to handle - How simple his mind was picturing this, how natural his mind seemed to see this future that wasn’t possible for him...  
> *  
> In which Even faces a problem, finds some peace and endlessly and hopelessly pines for his impossible man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, the Triggers Warnings are in the End notes! <3  
> *  
> I just uploaded earlier! Which surprises me, tbh, but I'm so glad this chapter is now out there!  
> *  
> This is the 3rd chapter of the 1st part out of 3 planned parts! The Spotify playlist is already updated [and linked, again, in the end notes] xxx  
> (Again, I left the names of the songs in their fitted scenes in {} in the beginning of each corresponding scene - So you can listen before/while/after reading if you'd like!)  
> *  
> Thanks for all the support so far - The kudos, the bookmarks and the comments warm my heart and fill me with so much joy and excitement - They mean the world to me, really <3  
> *  
> I really hope you'll enjoy reading! xoxo

**Chapter 3 – My heart**

Even didn’t know how long he was on his knees, down there on the dirty ground, trying to regulate his breathing. He didn’t understand why Isak was defending him or why Isak jumped into this situation. He also didn’t know why that woman was after him, why did she set him this trap? Was it fake blood? She didn’t seem hurt, judging by the way she was running after him all the way on that ridge, over here, with her gun loaded and ready to go.

Was she from the forces? Did she know who he was and was about to kill him? But if that was the case, why didn’t she kill him when he was asleep? Why did she set up the entire situation? Why did she get him a chance to run away?

Even was clueless. He was also physically and emotionally drained. But he couldn’t stay here, not only because it was dangerous but also because this whole place seemed wrong.

_“It seems wrong because this angel was fighting for you, because of you, here”_

His mind was shouting at him, and Even tried to shake it all off  as he stood to his feet. Isak was just like a prince charming, his prince charming, and Even didn’t even get the chance to thank him properly, would never probably get the chance to thank him properly. But all that mattered was that Isak was fine. Even saw he was fine, and he didn’t have the privilege to be selfish and wishing for anything more at that moment.

Even took a deep breath and adjusted the shoulders’ braces of his backpack once again, as if they weren’t adjusted just as always, as if they weren’t like a second skin after all of those years Even owned this shaggy beg. Then, Even took off without looking anywhere else but forward. He had to move on. He had to step away from his place and take care for himself.  

*

{Lover, Where do you live?}

Even succeed with moving on from that place physically, but he failed completely to leave Isak behind, as well.

_Isak, Isak, Isak..._

His heart was singing, his mind kept on seeing this man, this beautiful mysterious man in front of Even’s eyes everyday, all day. Isak was already a bundle of contradictions - The first time Even saw him, Isak was taking care of someone. He was helping another being so softly and carefully, he was leaning down for someone in need with careness and all Even could do was admire him from afar with awe. But, the second time, Isak was glowing fire, but not the same fire Even saw back then in the first time. He was fierce, he was all over the place. He was protective, he was out there on Even’s attacker without any seemed plan. Once again Isak was trying to protect, to help another person in need, but this time - His tactic was different, the way he carried himself was different and Even couldn’t recognize the man in front of his eyes at all because of this, because his entire behaviour seemed so different. Even was fascinated, he was intrigued and he wanted to know more. He wanted to know who Isak was, who were the two men that ran after him into the danger and tried to save him, tried to help him while Even was hiding helplessly.

Even knew he started to get obsessed, but he couldn’t help himself. Isak was special, he held after two short encounters a special place in Even’s heart, and Even really shouldn’t be blamed. Because, not only was Isak the best looking man Even’s eyes have ever seen, but also his kindness and how much he cared and wanted to protect others shined through his actions.

He kept on wondering what Isak might do each day - Were his friends taking care of him? Was he still hanging out with the two of them? They seemed really close and caring. Even wanted to know if their roads might cross again - Were they going in the same directions, or were they going more and more apart?

Even couldn’t help himself from thinking about it, from wishing to just wake up one morning to see Isak somewhere close, looking all peaceful and still shining brighter than the sun. Everything reminded him of Isak - The skies, the clouds, the streams, the birds…

_Does Isak like birds?_

Even wanted to know, he needed to know, this and so much more about him. Because, as long as Isak stayed a mystery, Even’s mind played with the idea of him. His mind couldn’t stop itself from painting an ideal, a picture of Isak and a hope - A hope he might ever see Isak again.

***

There was that one robin, that little red chested robin, which started to follow Even around. One morning, Even woke up to see it sitting next to his sleepy body.

“Oh, hello little one, what are you doing down here?” Even smiled at the little robin, tentatively reaching for it with his right hand. And the little robin didn’t move away from Even’s reaching hand - it was getting closer, and Even’s long fingers touched its’ little wings and its’ little feathers carefully.

Then, that little robin spreaded its’ wings and flied a bit, only to land right back on Even’s palm. It squeaked a bit, and Even’s heart was filling with joy for every moment that little robin stayed, for the little moments that little cute bird stayed on his palm, squeaking and jumping a bit with its’ little legs.

Even reached with his left hand to his backpack and took out his water container. As the little robin jumped up his right hand, squeaking cheerfully and making Even smile helplessly, Even opened his water container to spill some water into his right palm. The little robin flyed away to land right above Even’s palm, drinking the offered water with joy. It even dipped parts of its little body in it. Even looked at the little robin while it seemed to dance around his palm, his squeaks are silenced once in awhile as it drank the water. Even never came that close to a robin before, and he didn’t understand why the little bird would be so friendly towards him. But Even could never complain about it - This robin was making his childhood dream into reality, as it was squeaking and dancing all around Even, and he tried to hold back tears of joy as he observed his little new friend in awe. As the robin ended drinking and playing with the offered water, he jumped a few more times on Even’s wrist and with a last squeak, it flew away, leaving Even’s entire right hand and arm full with warmth and his heart happy and a little less heavy.

*

That robin seemed to follow Even around - it would wake up Even in the mornings with beautiful melodies and dance up and down Even’s arms as it kept Even company for a few precious minutes each morning. Sometimes, it would come back in the afternoons, as Even ate some fruits or when he just sat with his notebook open in his lap, writing words and stories on its’ pages. The little robin would sit next to him or on one of his shoulders. Sometimes, it flied around him with joyful squeaks.

It continued to show up even when Even wasn’t waking up in the exact same place in followed mornings, and Even’s heart warmed up each time anew. Even adored that little robin. He started to search for it first thing in the mornings and he would whistle back to the robin’s melodies, grinning like a little child when the robin answered his whistles back.

One morning, Even was waking up much earlier than before. It was just before the sunrise, and Even took out his notebook and opened it in a new page. He felt particularly creative that morning, and his hands were tingling with the need to draw and create. He took out his pen, and with a new blank page open and the first rays of sunshine glowing he began to draw. The page was soon filling with lines and shapes, and Even bitted his lower lip with concentration, his eyebrows rose a bit as he turned the notebook to one way and to the other as he drew, examining his drawings from a few angles.

When the sun was completely seen, and all its rays reached Even’s shelter in the nature, he could hear a soft squeaking near his right ear. The little robin, his little robin, flew and seated itself right on Even’s shoulder, looking right at the notebook which was sitted on Even’s lap.

“You probably wonder who is it, right next to the drawn version of you, don’t you little robin? This is an angel, my prince charming, my impossible man” Even whispered to the little bird on his shoulder as his fingers traced Isak’s drawn figure on the page. The little robin flew from Even’s shoulder to sit on the open notebook’s page, and he seemed to stare at Even’s finger, that were now still. Or was it staring at Isak’s drawn figure? Even wasn’t sure.

“Little robin, I found myself  wondering to myself  if Isak would like to take care of you, just like he took care of that old man. I think he would” Even smiled down at the bird, his hands moved from the page towards the robin’s head, which ducked it under Even’s fingers, wiggling its’ head in recognition against Even’s fingers.

Even lifted the little robin up and put it on his shoulder again, as he closed his notebook and put it in his backpack, to take out his water container instead.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to leave this area today, little robin, and I don’t know if you’d follow me… I don’t think you’d follow me, but I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed your company, in the past few days” Even smiled at the robin softly as the little bird drank water from his right palm, its’ wings moving cheerfully.

*

The followed morning, Even woke up to a lonely morning. The birds squeaked above his head, but none of them sounded like the little robin, none of them flied down to sit down on his arm or shoulder and to whistle with him cheerfully. But it was fine. Even cherished every little morning with his little robin - it made him feel less lonely those past days. It made him feel so happy and full of joy.

**

{Till Your Heart Is Still}

With the return of his complete loneliness, Even’s thoughts wandered right back to _him_ in the mornings, as he woke up without expecting to see his little robin, which didn’t come back to wake him up with squeaks. And the problem was that it didn’t stop in the mornings. Even couldn’t get him out of his head. Even couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering right back to Isak, to this impossible man with his impossible beauty and how impossible it was for them to end together, how impossible it was for them to even meet again. But Even couldn’t stop himself from picturing the two of them together, how it might be. Because something about Isak just seemed right, like a ray from the sun, warming Even’s entire body and soul.

But imagining? Imagining just reminded Even how lonely he was now. The main problem was - When Even began to imagine, to draw himself a future with Isak in his head, he couldn’t hold back. It was as if a dam was lifted from his heart and a wave of emotions were flowing to the surface, throwing him everywhere.

_Is it love? Can it be love?_

Even wanted to love Isak until his heart was still, and this thought terrified him, as he didn’t even know Isak, and he’d probably never get the pleasure to get to know Isak. Even knew death was unavoidable in this world, sooner or later all of us were bond to be gone. And Even? Even was bond to be gone early, to be caught and killed. He’d probably be gone much before Isak would be gone, anyways, not that Even would get to know that, as the two of them would probably never meet again. Yet, Even wanted to love Isak until he couldn’t anymore. Even was somehow afraid that would happen, that Isak would hold a place in his heart, even if he would never meet Isak again.

Even pulled his notebook out again and stared at the latest sketch he did of Isak. There were Isak’s curls and the general shape of his face, but there weren’t any certain facial features. Even only saw Isak’s face from afar, and he didn’t want to draw anything wrong. He knew how Isak looked, generally speaking, would recognize him if he’d ever see him again, but he didn’t want to take a chance and draw anything even a bit wrong. What if he’d misdraw anything? What if Isak wouldn’t look on the page as perfect as he looked those times Even saw him? So, instead of leaving for himself any place to fill in those details, Even took out his pen and wrote in the middle of Isak’s featureless drawn face:

‘Will you let me love you till your heart is still?’

And Even opened a new blank page and started to draw Isak’s body, the way he saw it from behind the first time he saw Isak, as he was sitted on a tree - He drew Isak as he walked away from the tree, he drew his curls and his muscular back and the bag that was on it.

And Even couldn’t hold himself back from drawing the tiny robin, which was keeping Even company for a few days, on Isak’s shoulder. He smiled at the drawing as he continued to draw more lines on the page, giving the drawn figures life. He couldn’t stop himself from adding another writing in the bottom of that page. The words were desinged as a bowtie around a heart:

‘I’ll give you my heart and my soul, you could make them better, you could make them full’

Because that was Even’s biggest dream - To feel full. Full of love, fully expected, not alone. Could it happen to someone like him? Could someone love him as he was? If Isak knew him, would he be able to love Even, after everything he’d done? After that graffiti he drew on that bridge? After he maybe was responsible for the deaths of little Mia and Jon?

_Just love me with my faults and my scars_

Even could feel tears falling down his face. He felt a bit overwhelmed, drowning in his emotions and he closed his notebook and hugged it to his chest, right over his heart.

It felt intoxicating, it couldn’t be love, what he felt for Isak, for this stranger who looked so out of this world from afar. Even promised himself he wouldn’t believe in love ever again, that love couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be like it was described in the novels he had been reading all those years back, it couldn’t be what Mia was talking about, describing passionately. Yet, here he was - Falling for a man from only seeing him twice from afar.

_I’ll give you my whole, a body to hold, till your heart is still_

Even knew that if he’d only get the chance, if he’d only meet Isak again through some sort of a miracle, he would devote himself completely to this stranger, to this angel, he would love him as if there was no tomorrow, if Isak would only let him, if Isak would give him the opportunity. Even was afraid from those thoughts, but he felt vulnerable, sitting in the middle of nowhere on the ground and crying his eyes out with his notebook placed firmly above his heart.

Because Even could picture the two of them lying softly together, taking care of each other, promising each other forever as if it was a possibility, as if it wasn’t too much to wish for... But  it was too much to handle -  How simple his mind was picturing this, how natural his mind seemed to see this future that wasn’t possible for him...

_If you’ll just love me with my faults and my scars, if we’ll only meet again, if I’ll only get the chance… I’ll love you the way that you are._

***

{Fickle Game - Acoustic}

Even was reaching for his medication this day, as he was walking in the middle of nowhere, in search for a shelter for this night. It was getting harder again to be alone in this world, all by himself. Isak was always in his head and his family - His parents and little Lea - were still the last thought in his head before he went to sleep each night, but the daily life, his daily survival, was so much harder to deal with when he was all by himself. When Even finally reached for his medication container, he was encountered with his last two tablets of Carbamazepine. His Lithium was about to end, as well, as there were only a few couple of tablets in its container. He couldn’t find any pharmacy lately, and he knew he had to restock it, soon, but his ever lasting need for food and shelter made him going slower. So much slower when he was that alone, when he was all by himself.

_I realized along the years that every person is alone in this world, that all of us are born alone and will die alone, stuck in our heads all along our lives, up until death shuts our thoughts forever. All of our brains are alone anyways, no matter how many people we meet in our lives, no matter how many people we live with._

Even believed that he shouldn’t feel lonelier now, when he was by himself, isolated from any other people. He knew but he couldn’t help it. Because Even loved people. He loved to come in touch with others. He loved to talk with others and he adored stories about people. He wanted to write stories about others. He wanted to have this sort of adventures with his own crew, he wanted to fall in love with someone who might be able to return his feelings, even if he was alone in his head either way. Even wanted so much. He wanted to have so much but he could never achieve any of his wishes. He was broken. This world decided he was broken, and therefore he could never get anything he’d like. His life could never be a fairytale with a happy ending, this world would never allow this.

Because Even felt mostly like a mistake, which was just making more mistakes. And his mistakes? They followed him everywhere, looming above his head, waiting patiently for his doomsday, for the day in which he would be finished. Because how much longer would Even be able to run from the forces, that caught him drawing that grafitti? How much longer would he be able to run from the guys, if they were still after him anyways? Even didn’t know, Even had no clue. All Even could do was to continue to pine over a guy he would probably never see again and try and not get killed in this nightmare. In the mid of his never ending run.

Even stared at his last two tablets. He stared at them long with a crease between his eyebrows. He felt so weak for needing them. He hated needing them to stay functional, when the world around him just wanted him to fall and fail, just waited for him to do another mistake.

_This might be the beginning of my downfall_

And with this thought in his head, Even took his last two tablets of Carbamazepine and continued walking. It was getting darker, and he still didn’t find any shelter.

*

{Dark}

Even was walking, and walking, and walking, and he couldn’t find any pharmacy. He also couldn’t find any other human being around him, and he didn’t know how he felt about it anymore.

Because Even was waiting for his crash, as he ended his Lithium tablets as well already. He was fearing his crash more than anything else. He didn’t want to slip, but he knew it might be unavoidable, as long as he didn’t get any more medication soon.

Even was walking and walking until his surroundings became more inhibited, until there were destroyed buildings almost everywhere around him, but there were no humans in any of them, only dead bodies or bones of poor animals. And Even cried each time he found one of them. He cried about the cruelty of this world, about how wrong all of this was. His heart was aching, his soul was crying out, searching for some happiness, for some sort of a light… If he would be honest with himself, he was searching a bit for Isak -  His impossible fantasy, the only real source of light Even had ever seen in this wicked world. But Even couldn’t be honest about it with himself, he couldn’t let this thought consume him. Instead, he kept on sketching Isak’s face in his notebook, only its’ general features. He continued drawing his golden curls and added little flowers in them, just because his head deserved to be crowned with any kind of a crown. He would sketch Isak’s muscles and his posture each time before he would go to sleep, each night before he would think about his sweet Lea and his loving parents. Each time before he cried himself to the dark arms of his dreamless night.

Even continued on walking and meeting other dead men, women and children. He continued to silently cry over them in his journey until he found the light at the end of his tunnel. And it felt like some sort of a dream, it felt a bit like some sort of a joke that he was feeling _that_ afraid to walk inside when he was finally facing a pharmacy that might be the answer to one of his most recent problems. He was afraid because there might be someone in there, because he might get caught, he might get in trouble... But Even was already in trouble, anyways. He had to take care of himself. He had to, before he’d slip, if he hadn’t slipped yet. He had to do it for himself.

Even took a deep breath, and after finding the backdoor, with his heart almost racing out of his chest, he sneaked inside.

**

{Someone who’ll get it}

It didn’t take Even more than a few minutes to find the part of the pharmacy which held the medications. He sneaked in carefully, making himself seem smaller as he sneaked from one aisle to the other. He couldn’t hear anything, which made him a bit more confident, even though he could feel his heartbeats loud and clear, pumping in his ears. As Even reached the part of the pharmacy where medications that required prescriptions were held in, he crouched to the ground and started to quietly and carefully search for his medication in the endless drawers. He started from the bottom section, slowly and quietly but also systematically going through that section without any success. He was getting frustrated, and he could feel panic starting to form inside of him - What if he wouldn’t find his medication in here? What will he do next? What if…

But Even’s trail of thoughts was halted as a tall blond crawled quietly to where he was sitted on the floor, only to be startled by seeing him there as well. Both of them stared at each other, searching each other’s faces and staring speechless at one another. She seemed to come to her senses faster than him, looking at the drawers he was sitted before and then back to his face.

“Which do you need?” she whispered to him, as she crawled closer. Her face was blanked from any emotion and Even was aiming to be able to close his hanged open mouth so he’d be able to let any sound come out his mouth, maybe form some words. He didn’t know if he should rely on her, if it was the right decision to let her know he needed medications because he was bipolar. Instead, Even just watched her with his eyes wide open and a bit scared as she reached to the other section of the drawers slowly and quietly, and started to search there.

“I take Citalopram HBR, to treat my depression” she whispered as she looked through the drawer she just open - “I know it’s in most pharmacies somewhere around here, I always forget where exactly” she continued as she searched the drawer.

_Oh._

“I can help you search for yours, if you’d like” she continued - “As I’m already searching for mine”

“Carbamazepine and Lithium” he croaked out, murmuring in a low voice as she looked back at him, before nodding once. She turned around and continued to look around the section she was at.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Carbamazepine over here a few seconds ago, but I don’t think Lithium is in this section of the drawers. Did you already search over there?” She pointed towards another section Even didn’t approach yet, so he crawled over there and started to search the drawers, to find the Lithium he needed pretty fast, before joining the stranger on the floor to help her search her section.

“There you go, that’s all the boxes I could find” she pushed towards him a few boxes of Carbamazepine, that were set next to her on the floor, as she continued to search for her medication, and Even stuffed the boxes into his backpack, right above all the boxes of Lithium which he had already planted there, before he reached forward and started to help that woman.

“Pst, Linn, what takes you so… Oh, hello, and who are you?” A tall man reached over, looking at the both of them. He eyed Even from above, a little smile painted his face as Even looked back at him with wide eyes.

“We’re on it, Eskild.” Linn answered him with a shrug, not even giving him a glance. She was still searching the drawers, concentrated.  

“I’m Even” Even quirked out, his voice a bit hoarse.

“Well, hello Even, I’m Eskild” Eskild approached them and he crouched down and reached out his hand for Even to shake.

“Eskild, if you’re already here, instead of making sure the area is clean, can you help me find it and leave the flirting for later? ” Linn murmured just as she found what she was looking for.

_Flirting…?_

“Nevermind” she said in a small voice, silently asking with her hand stretched backwards for Eskild’s backpack, which he handed her silently, his eyes still fixed on Even with a teasing smile.

“So what does someone as hot as you do in here all by himself?” Eskild teased, his smile cheeky and his body turned towards Even. And Even looked at Linn in search for help.

“Oh, he just helped me.” Linn said to Eskild with a shrug as she closed his backpack’s zipper and put it on her back. Even just stared at her in awe.

“I really think you need to stop this so we’ll be able to leave this place before someone will catch us” Linn said, looking at Eskild’s face.

“Stop what?” Eskild answered with a smitten voice, still looking at Even’s face with a soft smile

“Staring at Even as if he’s a candy or something like that” Linn said as she started to sneak forward, signaling Even with her hand to come after her.

“Linn Larsen Hansen, I have game. I know what I’m doing” Eskild scoffed as he followed the both of them, and Even was just lost. A little bit lost to why Eskild would look at _him_ like that.

“That’s exactly why I’m rushing us out of this store” Linn whispered back at him, as the three of them reached the back door, and after she took a quick glance outside, the three of them left the pharmacy and quickly went towards some old shelters that were close to it, the entire time Linn looked after her to see if Even was still there and give a few disapproving glanced towards Eskild, who only answered her with a few grants and, “what?”s and “How can you blame me, Linn?”s, which Even started to realize along the way were connected to Eskild finding him attractive, which he couldn’t understand at all. Even didn’t have any experience dating anyone and he was never called attractive by others. Well… By others, but the guys, that always teased him about being so tall and handsome, but they were mostly joking for some reason, right? (Also, Even’s mother telling his this all along the years didn’t count).

“So, where are you headed, handsome?” Eskild asked him once they were inside one of those ruined shelters.

“Hmmm...” Even wasn’t sure what to answer. He had no plan. He didn’t even plan to find the pharmacy, although he was really glad he did eventually.

“Do you want to join us?” Linn asked while biting an apple she took out of Eskild’s backpack.

“Ooooh, yes, please do!” Eskild chimed in, biting his lower lip at him, clapping his hands once in excitement.

Even felt a bit shy, a bit weird. He had never got this kind of attention from anyone. Eskild seemed nice, but Even didn’t have eyes for him. All he could think about, when Eskild gave him those looks and tried to flirt, was Isak. Unreachable, he’d probably never meet again, Isak.

“Fine” Even answered with half a smile. He felt comfortable staying with the two of them - Linn knew about him, and didn’t say it  immediately to her friend, which was more than nice and considerate from her. It was even sweet. And Eskild? Although him being blunt like that wasn’t really Even’s cup of tea, he seemed so friendly and accountable. He also seemed like someone Even could be able to trust, even if he would know Even’s condition, because Eskild obviously knew about Linn’s condition and he didn’t seem to mind. Not at all. He seemed to help her and be there for her without any questions.

As Linn took out some water and a bit more fruits, the three of them sat together and ate. Even felt a bit happier, as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He could manage it, he could be with others and not be terrified of being exposed.

***

Even stayed with Eskild and Linn, because he liked  the company and it seemed as if they wanted him to stay with them, for a reason that Even couldn’t understand. Eskild was teasing Linn constantly, and she would roll her eyes back at him, faking annoyance, but Even could easily see how fond she was of Eskild, as well. They were that kind of power due, what seemed like a friendship for life. Linn was 29 years old, older than Even by a little bit more than a year, and Eskild was 29 years old as well, but soon to be 30 years old. Even somehow got along with the two of them without breaking that special bond they crafted along the years.

However, what Even didn’t know yet how to act around was Eskild’s flirting. Eskild would call him hottie, darling and sweetheart and would give him some dreamy looks with shy smiles, and all Even did in return was charmingly smiling back. He wasn’t used to be treated as attractive, he wasn’t used to be called with any kind of nicknames by anyone other than his mother. Even didn’t know if Eskild was still actually flirting, or if he just called him all those things in a friendly manner. Even wasn’t sure how to tell him he only had eyes for one man, a man who didn’t even know he existed and that he would never see again. _Isak._ Even suspected that even if Isak someone knew that he existed, he would never want someone like Even. Isak was his unreachable fantasy, his impossible man. And at early mornings, when the sun just shined over the horizon and both Linn and Eskild were still soundly asleep, Even would take out his notebook and stare at the drawings of Isak he had inside. Sometimes, if he was in the mood, he would add some more. But not quickly, never quickly. He never rushed when it came to drawing Isak. Isak deserved care and time, even if Even could get the chance only to encounter with his drawn figures.

*

“Where’s Eskild?” Even asked Linn one morning, as he uncharacteristically woke up last.

“I think he went to bring some food and water” Linn answered him back, from where she was still seated in the other side of the shelter.

“When did he leave?” Even asked

“Just a minute or so ago” Linn answered him with a shrug.

Even let his head fall back to leaning on his backpack, which he used as a pillow. He took a few deep breaths and tried to sort out his thoughts. He had waited for an opportunity like this for a little more than a couple of days already, for a little more than just a few moments alone with Linn. He wanted to thank her for not exposing him, he wanted to talk with her a bit, to ask her about her condition, to bond with her a bit. He had never before met someone else who shared with him _this_ in some sort of a way, or he didn’t know he had met someone like that.

Even already liked Linn - She was quiet and sarcastic, and she would give him little glances to make sure he was alright even when it wasn’t necessary, just because she cared. She seemed to care so much even if she didn’t really show it. Even could recognize it in her little gestures, not only towards him but also towards Eskild.  

“Thank you, for that day, for not exposing me to Eskild” he finally said. He was staring at the skies, not looking towards her. His arms were on his chest, as some sort of a shield, and he tried his hardest to sound nonchalant.

“It’s your choice whether you’d like to share it with someone or not, Even” She answered him. Even could feel her eyes looking at him from afar. He could feel her gaze was soft, as she continued - “But just know, that if you want to talk about it with me - you can. It’s hard to deal with this alone”

Even looked at her as she finished talking, his head still leaned against his backpack - “Did you have to deal with it alone?” He asked her, whispering, as if he shied away from even asking her about it. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. She had been nothing but nice towards him.

“I was lucky, so I’ve never really had to deal with it alone” She told him and stopped talking for a second. She seemed to consider her words, before she took a deep breath -  

“Remember that disaster, which started everything?” she asked him, and after Even nodded once, she ducked her head down. Her eyes were staring at her hands as she continued -

“I lost my father that day. We were left just me and my mom and it all was just too much, everything around me. I think that I was 12, and it tipped me over. A few days passed, and  felt more and more powerless, and one morning I just couldn’t leave my mattress, I couldn’t handle what happened to the world and to my family. My mother was already so sad and whipping and I just gave her another reason to be gloomy. She was sick worried for me, but she didn’t give up on me. She searched for help and I was diagnosed right away. Been trying different kinds of meds ever since, but the one I’m taking now seems to work. It has already worked for a year and a half. I had another huge crush when I was 20, maybe, something like that. My mother left our shelter and just didn’t come back, I think I lost her that day, I hadn’t seen her ever since. I tried to look out for her, but I just couldn’t find her anywhere and I was all alone, all by myself for the first time in my life. She taught me some stuff along the years, just in case, but I just couldn’t handle it, I just couldn’t take it... I stopped taking my meds and Eskild found me in the shelter that used to be our home, crying on the floor helplessly, barely holding myself together, with my meds scattered on the floor around me. I thought he was about to turn around and run away or beat me or anything like that and I just couldn’t care. I wasn’t in a state to care for anything. But, instead, he pulled them all up and cleaned them before reaching for a box in his bag and putting them there. He was sorta dating an older doctor back then, and he pulled a few connections for me and made sure I took my meds when I needed and he helped this to pass. We talked a lot about stuff and it made things a little better. He was not a therapist, he would never be one, but he made things better. Just talking with him made everything better. We’ve been going anywhere together ever since.“ Linn’s voice was small and there were tears streaming down her face, and she whipped them away as she talked. Even walked towards her as he saw her eyes became teary and he sat himself next to her. He wrapped her in his arms as she talked, and when she finished telling her story, she leaned her head on his shoulder.

“You’re the second person to hear about it, beyond Eskild, I just…” there was a little sob that broke through her mouth. Even wasn’t used to see Linn like that. Linn was always composed. Linn was strong, so strong. Even was admiring her ever since he joined her and Eskild, but he just had no idea how strong she really was. Even had never thought he’d be the one to hold her in his arms, to run his hand up and down her arm with a comforting touch.

“I wasn’t that lucky with my diagnosis, to be honest” he finally said back, after she stopped crying and started to glance towards his face a few times, as if she wanted to ask him about his story but didn’t have the courage, didn’t want to push him just like he didn’t want to push her earlier.

“Why?” she asked, her tone was relaxed once again, but she was still leaning her head on his shoulder, his hands was still on her arm in comfort.

“It’s hard to diagnose bipolar disorder” he half shrugged - “The first doctor I saw thought I had ADHD, and I didn’t had any major depressive episode before I was a teenager, so it was pretty hard to catch it… I was growing with my family for the past 28 years - My parents really tried to keep me at home - shield me away from other people, away from troubles, and I’d probably still be there if I didn’t lose them and my little sister recently…” Linn squeezed his hand at that, and Even squeezed back. He appreciated the gesture. He ended his story there. He couldn’t talk further without crying, as well. He felt as if he needed to be strong for Linn, to hold his tears deep inside his eyes for the both of them.

“You don’t have to be alone, you can be with me and Eskild. We can be there for you, just like we’ve been there for each other” she told him after a long silence, both of them stared forward.

“I think I may” he said as she lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at his face again.

“And, just know, that Eskild would support you, if you want to tell him about it. He won’t judge. He can’t understand this, but he can be there for you, too, if you’ll let him” she added.

But, although Even just told her about his condition, although she was so genuine with him - Telling someone who wasn’t dealing with anything like that still seemed like a huge leap for him. He realized Linn told him so because she trusted Eskild and knew him for almost 10 years, but Even was just getting to know the two of them and it felt different to talk about it with someone who didn’t know he had anything for sure. If he’d be honest with himself, he was scared. Even more than scared - he was terrified, even if there wasn’t really a reason to be, as Linn just said.

“I’ll think about it” he said eventually, and he really meant it. He just needed to think about it for a few days, to relax himself and open himself to the idea - that he might be able to talk about it with other people as well.

Linn gave him back a tight smile, and it felt a bit more relaxed between them, now that all the cards were on the table. It felt a bit more natural.

*

A few evenings later, after the three of them ate dinner together, Eskild went outside to look around their shelter for a bit, and Even came closer to Linn and sat next to her.

“I think I’m ready to tell Eskild” Even told her, not looking at her, staring at his hands instead.

“Yeah?” Linn asked him quietly, a serious look on her face.

“Yeah” Even nodded once. He continued to sit next to her, a bit lost, not sure how to ask her to join him. He knew he’d feel better if she could be there next to him, when he would tell him. He knew he’d appreciate it if she could, and Linn seemed to sense that was what he needed.

“Do you want me to give the both of you space to talk alone, or do you want me to stay here when you tell him?” she asked him. She was aiming to sound casual, but Even knew that she cared. She wouldn’t ask him if she didn’t. He could see she really tried to do the right thing for him.

“I’d love it if you stayed” he said, and she squeezed his hand once.

“Sure.” she answered.

They waited for Eskild to come back inside in silence, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. It felt natural between them, to just sit silently next to each other. When Eskild came back, he sat right in front the two of them and smiled brightly.

“So, what is our artistic program for the night?” Eskild asked enthusiastically, wiggling his eyebrows at the two of them suggestively.

Even took a deep breath before looking at Eskild’s face and saying -

“Actually, Eskild, I’d like to talk with you about something, something that I want to share, if that’s okay” he looked at Linn for a second, to gain some confidence, and she gave him a tiny smile, sending him with it all the comfort that he had needed.

Eskild looked a bit taken back by that, but he composed himself quickly, a hesitant smile appeared on his face, replacing the enthusiastic one which was there a moment ago.

“Sure, Even, you always can...” Eskild said, looking at Linn questionably before returning his eyes to Even’s face, considering his features.

Even tried to fake confidence. He had to be confident and strong. Linn knew Eskild for so long and she promised him it would be fine, she knew what she had been talking about. It would be fine. There wasn’t a reason for it not to be fine. All he had to do in this minute was to say it, all he had to do was to relax in this minute, and everything would work out. There was no need to think further into the future at this moment.

“Remember where we met?” Even asked, and Eskild nodded slowly, his eyes weren’t leaving Even’s face.

“Well… I wasn’t there just to take myself some bandages and paracetamol or things like that…” Even took a deep breath before he just said it. There was no need to go around it - “I… I was there because I’m bipolar and I needed to restock my meds.” he finished with finality in his voice. It was out there now, no way to take it back anymore.

Even’s breathing stopped. He looked at Eskild and tried to put his brave face on, he tried to pretend the subject didn’t matter, that it was just a casual conversation between friends, that it meant nothing. Even tried to pretend it wasn’t the first time he willingly told someone about his condition and he tried to pretend that Eskild’s reaction wouldn’t matter, but his body betrayed him and he could feel that his left hand was shaking a bit and that his lower lip was starting to shiver as well.

“Even, darling, I… Kinda guessed it? When I saw you back there with Linn, in the pharmacy…? I mean, not you being bipolar exactly, but… you dealing with something of this sort? I… I gave you and Linn some alone time each day because of that, in case the two of you wanted to be there for each other and… In case you just wanted to talk about stuff without feeling uncomfortable because I’m around, I just… ” Eskild looked at him tenderly and put his hand on Even’s left hand, stopping it from shaking uncontrollably and holding it with care - “I didn’t want to push you to say anything, if you don’t want to, because it’s not my place… But, I’m so glad you decided to tell me about it, that you decided to trust me with that, Even, I really do” Eskild smiled at him with care and Even couldn’t stop himself from smiling back at him.

“We’ve got your back, hottie” Eskild added cheekily, and the entire tone of the conversation changed again as Even chuckled.

He just told it to someone and the world didn’t crush further. He just said it and it didn’t come back to bite him in the ass. It felt a bit surreal, it felt like a small victory, laced with relief, in the middle of the chaos. The evening continued like any other - Eskild told him some ancient story about a hookup he had with some block. This time, he talked about a french man who was stuck without his family here in Norway, who hid in the forests from the forces, that were after him, while Linn actually giggled and joined Eskild as well. She told Even how unfair it was that this guy was so hot, but gay. Then she and Eskild teased each other about it a bit more, and Even? Even felt comfortable and relaxed, as if things finally started to work out for him in this world. He was sitting next to them and softly smiled to himself as he stared at them, his mind a bit distance, thinking once again about a certain boy with an angelic face and golden curls.  

*

Even found himself sitted next to Eskild one afternoon. Linn was napping in one corner of their shelter for this day, and he and Eskild were all by themselves, each eating his meal without really talking with one another, each of them in his own thoughts. He and Eskild hadn’t really been alone or talked alone about anything since he met the both Eskild and Linn. It never occured, and now that Even was faced with the situation, he wasn’t sure how to handle it. There were a lot of things Even wanted to talk about with Eskild, but he didn’t want to push Eskild to talk about anything, if the other man didn’t want anything like that. Eskild was so good to him, so kind and considerate, and Even didn’t really know how to show him his gratitude. He wasn’t really accustomed to being treated so kindly. The guys treated him really nicely, but now he wasn’t with the guys anymore, and he wasn’t sure if it was a mistake to run away without explaining anything to this day or not. All Even knew was that he was afraid. He was so afraid the guys wouldn’t expect him, and Eskild and Linn expected him from the first moment they found out about him, because Even’s condition was sort of exposed to them from the first moment. And now, as he was somewhat safe and expected, he didn’t want to do anything that would change this.

“Thank you” Even said simply by the end.

Eskild looked up from his food at Even’s face, his expression was questioning

“About that other day, about you accepting  me being…”

“of course, Even” Eskild smiled softly at him.

They continue to eat silently, before Eskild started to glance towards him again, until Even caught him looking at him. Eskild seemed to debate for a second before Even gave him half a smile, and told him - “Just spill it”

“I’m just sorry if I made you uncomfortable, in any way” Eskild said, not looking at his face.

“Uncomfortable? What are you talking about?” Even looked at his face, baffled, but Eskild just continued to avoid his eyes, his eyes roaming his surroundings, before he gave up and answered him, still not looking back at Even’s face -

“About me shamelessly flirting with you, etc. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, or anything, and I already understood it won’t happen between the two of us, will only be friendly, which is fine, more than fine, you’re really cool, it’s just… All the darling, sweetheart and everything got stuck and I was already told by people a few times in the past that it annoyed them...”

Even didn’t see that coming. He didn’t expect Eskild to be this self conscious about stuff like that, when he called Even all those things with so much confidence. Yes, Even wasn’t attracted to Eskild. He wasn’t sure what was the exact reason; it might be solely due to a certain curly angel that got stuck in his head, or there might be more into it. Even didn’t know. It also didn’t really matter. All that mattered is that Even wasn’t bothered by Eskild. Not at all. Yes, it took him by surprise at first, he wasn’t sure how to handle it at the beginning, but now he had already got used to it. It was fine, it was more than fine.

“It doesn’t annoy me, Eskild. I don’t mind it, it’s chill” Even answered him with a smile, and Eskild beamed back to him. He looked relieved.

“And, it’s just… I just have someone else in my mind, already had someone else in my mind before I met you guys” he admitted. He knew he could trust Eskild about it.

Eskild’s mouth formed the shape of an ‘O’ for a moment, before asking him - “Oh… Who is she?”

And Even hesitated further only for a moment, before he answered Eskild without looking at his face - “It’s actually a he...”

When he finally looked at Eskild again, the other man seemed momently stunt.

“Oh… Oh!” he nearly squeaked, and Even could feel his cheeks getting a bit warmer at his reaction.

“Yeah...”

“What’s his name?” Eskild asked full of excitement, and Even debated for a moment whether he should tell him or not. There were no chances Eskild knew Isak, right? Isak seemed so different from Eskild, and it seemed as if Eskild and Linn were all by themselves in this world. He probably wouldn’t meet Isak ever again, anyways.

“Isak” Even finally said, and he tried to say it nonchalantly, as if his heart didn’t race only from thinking about that man, from only letting his name caress his tongue as he said it, as if he wasn’t the most beautiful thing Even’s eyes had ever laid on in this world. But he could see that he didn’t fool Eskild, who gave him a strange look, his eyebrow raised at him and his forehead full of creases.

“Isak? How does he look like? Where did you two meet?”

And Even took a deep breath and tried to sort his thoughts.

_Isak. How would someone describe someone as beautiful as Isak? Are there any words in this world that would describe someone as wonderful as Isak with justice? That wouldn’t degrade my thoughts about this man?_

Even took another breath and tried to think about the simplest way to describe Isak. Because no words would give this man justice. There were no words to describe Isak that would portray how he made Even feel in the two brief moments he saw him, how he still made him feel so long after those two times, even when Even didn’t see him in front of his face.

_He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen and I wish that I could get the chance to talk with him, face to face, even just for a moment. I’ll compromise for a moment, if that’s all the universe will allow me. I’ll compromise for a single touch, for the ghost of my fingers through his curls._

But, instead of saying what was on his mind, all Even said with fake nonchalant was - “He has blond curls and bright skin, and that muscular body type - He’s lean but also full of muscles. I kinda saw him from afar a couple of times, didn’t get the chance to talk with him, but I just knew, if it makes sense?”

“You knew that you want him?” Eskild asked, cautiously.

Even nodded as an answer. He was staring at his own hands, his cheeks were probably flaming, and he tried to play it cool and nonchalant, but it felt as if he failed miserably.

“I see…” Eskild finally answered, and Even just shrugged in replay. And after a long moment of silence, Eskild added -

“You know, don’t give up on it, you can always get that chance of meeting him again. Nothing is certain in this world” Eskild put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly, his voice soft and sincere.

“I don’t know...”

“A friend of mine once told me about a graffiti that changed everything for them. It said ‘Everything is love’, and ever since hearing about it affecting them, from all people, that much, I believe that love can be a powerful thing, if you let it, if you want to let it. So, if you think you might love this man, just hold on to it” Eskild told him, and Even’s heart was beating fast. He was wondering if Eskild could hear his heartbeats from where he was sitting. He wondered if he should tell Eskild that nobody should hold on to this graffiti he drew, that his graffiti was a mistake, a stupid mistake that followed him everywhere he went, that ran after him like a death sentence, in addition to him being bipolar. But Even didn’t say anything. He didn’t know if he loved Isak, he didn’t know if it could be love from only seeing Isak. It did feel special, it did feel intoxicating, but was it love? Even had no clue. So Even was keeping his mouth shut, while Eskild continued talking -

“Just believe me, you can meet him, it can happen when you least expect it... But, I guess that’s the beauty of life, of us still being here, on earth, right? Those little moments, all those little nights of passion...” Eskild teased him with a wink, and Even looked at him and his face probably gave it away completely, so the decision of looking at Eskild, and letting him see his face in return, was probably not the right decision -

“Oh, wow, you're really gone for him, don’t you?” Eskild told him, and all Even did in replay was shrugging once again - “I was about to tell you about a guy I hooked up with more than once, in different times, although I’ve never imagined we’ll see each other again, but now I just can’t”

Eskild smiled at him fondly, and Even just shrugged once more and wished he could somehow disappear from Eskild’s eyes, even just for a moment to compose himself.

“When did you know that you like guys?” Eskild asked him, finally navigating the conversation away from Even’s impossible crush, taking pity on him.

“I didn’t really have any moment, I think… I was always fascinated by people in general, I’ve never made any gender separation in my head, when it came to love and attraction. I loved reading, when I was younger and could find books everywhere. I loved reading novels, especially. The drama, the romance, the hero falling in love, getting love in return, fighting for their impossible love… I was always in love with the idea of love, and I found myself attracted to people for being people, both in my life when I came across people and both from their description in the books I’ve read, or the stories I wrote myself.”

Eskild smiled at him, considering his answer. He seemed satisfied and excited, he seemed to like what he’d heard.

“Was there any moment for you? When you just realized?” Even asked him in return, not wanting for them to dwell any longer about Even’s feelings and emotions.  

“In which I knew that I only like guys?”

Even noded.

“I think I’ve always knew, I don’t remember any moment when it just clicked, to be honest. I remember I used to be wearing my mother’s scarfs, skirts and high heels when I was a kid, when she was cooking or out shopping and my father was at work, and I always had crushes on boys. Always hanged out with girls and talked with them about boys. So I don’t remember if there was a moment I just knew or realized, but I do remember the day my parents found out. It happened after the entire world fell apart, both my parents caught me making out with a dude near our shelter. His name was Edward and he had the softest hair I’ve ever touched. He had those lean lips and a ginger straight hair and grey eyes that made me weak in my knees and I thought I was in love, because I was young and naive. We made out every chance we got, so I guess they were bound to find out sometimes. Anyways, they were just back from hunting for the three of us one day, and they saw a 20 or 21 years old me locking lips with this dude and my dad just lost it when I finally returned to the shelter. My mother looked at me with pity, but she didn’t say a word, and I was kicked to the street that day with only my clothes on my body and whatever I could stuff into my bag in a rush. When I went to Edward’s shelter, unannounced, I found him in bed with someone else. He told me all the time that he loved me and always treated me so tenderly and told me that I’m the only one he’s ever wanted, and I just found him in bed with his girlfriend or whatever. I went back to the streets and managed on my own - found food for myself and  just hooked up with whoever I could whenever I could ever since, I’ve never asked for anything more than that. And it was fine, it’s still fine, I’m happy with things this way. I don’t need anybody for a relationship when I have Linn.”

He smiled softly as he glanced towards Linn, who was still napping in the other side of the shelter -  ”I met Linn not much longer after I started to be by myself, and she has been all the support that I need ever since. We hold each other together and it’s more than I could ever dream of when I found myself alone back then.”

Even smiled at him softly as he squeezed Eskild’s shoulder fondly - “She really loves you, as well” Even whispered.

“I know” Eskild said with tears in his eyes, and his hands reached to his face to quickly wipe some that spilled out away.

“I know it’s not the same, it will never be the same, and I don’t expect it to be the same, but you can always talk with me, too, if you want. Just know it” Even shrugged, and Eskild looked at his face with fondness back, his eyes still a bit glassy.

“The same goes for you, sweetheart” Eskild smiled back.

**

{Storms}

“Even, darling, me and Linn have something we wanted to talk with you about” Eskild told him one late morning, as they packed their stuff and were about to head forward.

“What is it?” Even asked, busy on stuffing one of his hoodies into his backpack, his back turned to both of them as he answered.

“It’s actually a surprise” Eskild answered, and his voice seemed a bit worried and hesitant, which wasn’t like him at all, unless it was something of great importance. Even turned around from facing his backpack to considered Eskild’s face - He looked at Even a bit worriedly, and Even didn’t like the direction the conversation was going so far. There was something of great importance coming, and Even wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

“Just spill it out” he encouraged Eskild in a way that he’d like to think seemed casual, although his heart was already beating faster and he was more than just a bit worried himself at this point.

“We’re… We’re not really all by ourselves in this world, me and Linn… I mean, it’s always been me and Linn, THE DUO, but.. We’ve also have a… bigger crew?” Esklid said, avoiding Even’s face as he blurted out the words, his tone changing as he talked, his hands were going all over the place as he talked - “And… We were kinda on our ways to come back to the shelter we live in with all of them…?” Eskild added, looking at Linn’s face in search for help, as it seemed, while all Even could do was staring at both of them, that were standing before him as he was crouching on his knees on the ground.

“We didn’t know how you’d react, and we really like you, we really want you to stay with us, with all of us, so we didn’t want you to run away early on… So, we hadn’t really told you anything about it, but we’re getting really closer to our shelter and Linn thought it’d be the right thing to give you a heads up” Eskild said eventually, as all Linn did was staring back at him, an encouraging look on her face.

And it probably wasn’t the best thing to tell Even, who just now started to feel wholly comfortable around both of them. It probably wasn’t right to hide this from his all along. But Even already told them so much about himself, and it seemed as if they were genuine, as if they really thought it through. And if Even would be completely honest with himself, he’d probably ditch them early on if he knew they were a part of a bigger crew, especially after how everything ended with the guys.

“How many are you?” Even asked quietly, looking at Eskild’s face.

“Hmmm, let me think… Something around 10, maybe more, maybe less, I’ve never really counted us...” Eskild answered, and Even’s mouth opened a bit at that. He felt a bit overwhelmed, and he didn’t really know what to do or think at the moment. Another ten people were _a lot_ , it was double the number of the guys he joined back then, and the whole being with them deal blew in his face so fast, so it might blow in his face even faster with much more people living with him in the same place…

“So, what do you say, Even? Would you like to join us?” Eskild added excitedly, before he could even react to the news.

“We obviously won’t tell anybody about you, if you don’t want anyone to know about you… It’s more than fine…” Linn added. She seemed a bit stressed, as well, which wasn’t really like her cool regular demeanor.

Linn and Eskild knew about him already, unlike the guys who didn’t know a thing about his condition. Linn and Eskild knew and they had no problem with it.

“Do they know about you?” Even asked her, his eyes were considering her face now.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean the need to know about you, as well, if you don’t feel like it”

Even considered her answer for a moment. If they knew about Linn, they were fine with it. Their all crew was fine with mental illness, but maybe they were only fine with it because they knew Linn for a long time and loved her as a person. Linn was a pretty cool girl. What if they wouldn’t like Even as a person? What if it would be another reason not to let him stay with them? Even didn’t wanted to take any chances at this point. He wanted to stay with Linn and Eskild. He really liked the both of them - They were nice and caring and they had been there for Even since they met him, allowed him to be with them without any questions, accepted him with open arms. He didn’t want to lose that new friendship with them.

“I’d really appreciate it if we’d keep it between the three of us” Even answered eventually.

_At least for now..._

“Not a problem, Even” Linn told him with her half a smile and Eskild nodded next to her with understanding.

_This might be good. This whole thing might turn out great._

Even was about to turn around and continue his packaging when Eskild jumped in his place excitedly -

“Omg, baby jesus would love you!” Eskild chimed, his eyes shining, and he smiled at Even brightly.

“Oh, Eskild, not again...” Linn said and rolled her eyes at him.

“I’m telling you, Linn, Even is totally his type, he’d literally lose it when he’d see Even and they’ll be just so so good together...” Eskild beginned to bubble, his whole body was now fully turned towards Linn, his excitement only intensified.

“Who?” Even asked, confusion written all over his face.

“My grumpy gay godchild” Eskild answered him with a satisfied smile on his face.

“Again, who?” Even asked, his confusion only increasing.

“Just someone who lives in our shelter, Eskild always talks about him like that...” Linn started to explain, as she was cut mid sentence by Eskild -

“Linn, I’ve been his guru, his Ginnie in the bottle, since the very start!”

“Yeah, Eskild, I know, it’s just...” Linn tried to say, before she was cut by him again -

“Oh, Linn! Don’t tell me you’re jealous?” Eskild wiggled her eyebrows at her. Linn only made a shy face back at him and shrugged her shoulders a bit.

“No, Linn… You know it’s always you and me, me and you - just the two of us against the rest of the world!” Eskild answered her as he put his hands on her shoulders, now facing her completely. His voice turned all soft and considerate and Even turned his back and continued to package his things as they continued to talk with each other quietly. They deserved a bit of privacy for a few moments, Even owed them that for all they’d done for him.

This might be a fresh start. This might be the end of Even’s lonely days forever, or for the upcoming future, at least. This might be good, this might be so good for him. If Eskild and Linn thought about addi from the start, or somewhere along their way to their entire crew, that they would like to introduce Even to everyone they were hiding with, they probably thought it was the right decision. They probably knew what they were doing. Linn and Eskild were good people.

Even stood up as he stopped packaging and threw his backpack on his shoulder, looking at Linn and Eskild while they were finishing to pack and finally stood to their feet as well.

”We’ll introduce you to everyone when we’ll get there” Linn smiled at him softly, then they started to walk out of the shelter for their last day as a trio.

***

Even was trying to fake confidence. He had to be confidence. This might be good - Eskild and Linn had been really good to him, so their friends would probably be the same, right?

As they reached closer to the hidden shelter Linn and Eskild talked about, Even could feel his heart beating faster in anxiety, his palms sweaty and his breathing getting faster. He was nervous, after what happened with the guys, to meet new people, especially such a big group, like Eskild and Linn talked about. But Even had to be strong. He had to be strong because this time there was no fear to be unaccepted because of who he was. He had to be strong because Linn knew about him, and Eskild knew as well, and they accepted him. They had got his back.

As they got into the shelter, hidden from the outer world, Eskild smiled at him before continuing forward, giving him the silence reassurance he needed so desperately. As they got further inside, Even could hear lots of voices talking over each other. They reached the shelter right after dinner, as it seemed, and as they rounded a corner Even could see a few girls talking as they were standing in one corner, a couple, containing a woman and a man, hugging each other in the other, and Eskild said something enthusiastically as a beautiful blond noticed him and reach forwards. And Even was about to walk right behind him with Linn, he really planned to, but then he saw him. He saw him and his heart stopped.

{Sherwin and Jonathan}

_Isak._ Isak was a part of the group, and Even’s heart cried in relief, his soul singing and crying and his mind was floating with emotions.

_Are you my destiny?_

Because how bizarre was it to see Isak again? How weird it was for Even to meet him again, but now for the third time he’d finally get his chance, through Eskild and Linn from all people. He’d get to live with Isak in the same place and talk with him and maybe even thank him and all Even’s mind was able to do was to sing in a never ending _Isak, Isak, Isak_ song.

_It has to be a signal, it has to..._

Even didn’t notice he stopped in his place, rooted to the ground without any ability to move anywhere, his mouth gaped a bit, his eyes were filling with tears for no apparent reason.

_Why am I feeling that much for a guy I don’t know? Why does my mind scream at me “finally”?_

Even didn’t have any kind of answers and his breathing stopped as Isak caught his eyes. Isak’s beautiful mouth was slightly opened in confusion when their eyes locked across the room. Even was gone, he was a lost case, and all he wanted was to reach Isak and wrap him in his arms. Because Isak was fine, he was indeed fine and safe, and Even could breath again. He didn’t realize he couldn’t really breath freely since that morning next to the cave.

And Isak was so beautiful, so damn beautiful… Even never felt this kind of emotions, those kind of needs, before, and he didn’t know what to make out of them. Even had never believed he’d get to meet Isak again, especially not face to face. Maybe this was his sign, maybe he would be able to love Isak, like his heart was wishing for.

Isak was still looking at his face, his stare slowing changing into something Even didn’t understand - All he knew is that there was now a lump in his throat and that Isak was suddenly starting to come closer with big confidence strides, still looking at his face with this serious unreadable look, but somehow Even could barely comprehend what was happening - It was as if Isak was walking towards him in slow motion. All Even could do was staring back, and he felt a hand touching his bicep and someone called his name quietly, but he couldn’t listen and couldn’t process anything but Isak. _Isak, Isak, Isak…_

Isak was now in front of him, staring right into his eyes, standing so close yet so far away, not taking his eyes off Even’s.

Isak was the most beautiful person Even had ever laid his eyes on. Period. There was not a single doubt in his mind. He was somehow even more beautiful, this close - He had those few little freckles here and there, decorating his milky skin, and he had this perfect nose Even wanted to brush his fingers lightly against for an unreasonable reason. His mouth was coloured the softest rosy pink Even had ever seen and his hair looked even softer and fluffier from this close, framing the top of his hair like a golden crown. But what caught Even’s attention wasn’t how strong and defined his jaw was or how manly yet soft Isak was from this close. What caught his attention was Isak’s eyes. _Green_. They were that earthy, warm, dark green, and Even was gone. His eyes grounded him - They reminded him of nature, they reminded him of his childhood, of the colour of the leaves on the tree across from his bedroom window, the one which was a home to the birds Even always was fascinated from.  Green was always Even’s favourite colour - It always made him feel safe and relaxed, always made him feel strong, but Even never realized he could fall in love in a certain shade of green, that a certain shade of green could made him feel so in peace yet so gone.

And then Isak took his eyes off of him and set his jaw, and Even could finally process the world around him, could finally hear his surrounding, although he didn’t want to take his eyes off Isak’s face - It was Linn’s hand on his bicep and Even could see from the corner of his eyes that Eskild was looking at him a bit worried but also curious, until Isak called Eskild’s name and made him look at his face.

“Hmmm??” Eskild asked as he looked at Isak.

“I asked, what is he doing here, Eskild?” Isak scoffed and his voice was serious and a little defensive, and Even felt uneasy, his lump in his throat tightening in an unpleasant way.

“Oh? This beautiful man is Even, and...” Eskild started to say, only to be cut off by Isak quickly -

“I don’t care who he is, Eskild, I just don’t understand why you brought him in here!” Isak complained, only looking at Eskild’s face, his voice full of annoyance and his arms tightening in front of his body in defense.

It felt like a slap. Each word burned into Even’s soul, punched his heart and formed a new crack in it.

“Wow, grumpy kitten, what’s got into you?” Eskild asked with a worried smile as Isak rolled his eyes and tapped his right leg impatiently. He growled and answered -

“Why did you bring him in here? I don’t want him in here!” Isak’s tone got louder and Even finally looked around him and he could see that they were in the middle of attention, everyone looked at them curiously, but he could barely care. All he cared about was the burning of his heart and the tears that formed in his eyes, his breathing that was blocked from the lump in his throat and why, oh why did he make Isak react that way?

“I think there’s a misunderstanding… Do you know him, or…?” Eskild tried to reason with Isak, only to be interrupted once again

“I don’t need to know him to know that I don’t want him in here!” Isak insisted, his jaw set and defined with anger and stress, and Even didn’t know what to even think about it at that moment. He was just standing there, numb, trying to process what was going on in front of his eyes without managing to.

“Wow, Isak, what’s wrong, man?” a curled hair man with a worried look reached Isak and touched his shoulder lightly, and Isak turned towards him immediately, his back turned to Even in the process. And Even could see Isak shrugging his shoulders as he looked at the man who reached him, but his entire demeanor was still stiff and everything felt tensed and wrong. And that curled hair man looked at Isak’s face carefully, and then turned his gaze to Even’s face -

“Well, man… Sorry, what’s your name again?” he asked him, but Even couldn’t talk. If he started talking, the tears would fall from his eyes uncontrollably. Eskild seemed to understand, as he looked at Even’s face, and then answered instead of him - “His name is Even”

“Okay, Even, I think we need a few minutes to talk about things in here, privately, just to set some things straight - Do you mind waiting outside?” He asked him in a serious tone, but Even was still frozen in his place, afraid that any movement would start a flow of tears down his cheeks.

“I’ll wait outside with him” Linn said carefully and laced her hand around his arm, pulling him with her towards the exit. And Even was following, walking backwards as his eyes was stuck on Isak’s stiff muscular back, until he couldn’t see it anymore, as they were going in a curved sort of hallway, and all he could see was a dirty wall. From the outside, all he could hear sounded like white noise, and Even couldn’t understand any of the things that were said. All he could hear is the fast pumping of his heart, accompanying the screaming of his broken soul.

*

{Creep}

_Isak. The first time I saw you, I was watching you from afar as you walked, and my breath was caught in my throat. I couldn’t believe someone could be that beautiful, I was overtaken by your appearance and how perfect you seemed. I couldn’t bear approaching you, I couldn’t disturb you in your world. I was rooted to my place, and all I could do was to admire you from afar, how you seemed to live in your own peaceful world, while I was there on my ruins of loneliness._

_And from the first moment I saw you, Isak - I knew wanted you. I just wanted you so badly. I wanted, but I realized I would never be able to be with you - Because you were so fucking special, and I wasn’t. I was the person whose mistakes followed him anywhere and always. I didn’t deserve you, an angel, when I couldn’t walk away from myself and my past mistakes._

And now? After meeting Isak face to face? Fucking hell, all Even wanted was control over his mind, his heart and his feelings. All Even wanted was to get over his agonizing insecurities, his feelings of hopelessness…

_All I ever wanted was a perfect body and soul, not this ruined self I felt like almost my entire life. This brain which made me do all of those mistakes, that followed me no matter where I went, even if people didn’t know about them - My mistakes that have always been there, in my mind, following me anywhere... It broke me, even if I didn’t show it on the outside._

_All I ever wanted was to stop loathing myself, even just for a second. All I wanted was to see what it was like to be perfect, what it was like to be desired and loved, what it was like to be thought about lovingly when I wasn’t around._

But, Even was once again reminded he couldn’t get anything he wanted, especially not someone as amazing and out of this world like Isak. His heart just got broken. He couldn’t love someone like Isak without getting hurt, without getting rejected brutally and undoubtedly. Because Isak was indeed his impossible man, this was the constant that seemed to never change in this world, just like his emotions for him, that bubbled behind the surface. And, fucking hell, it hurt so damn much.

And what hurt the most was he didn’t know what he did wrong this time. What made Isak react this strongly against him? What made him go all out and about against him from only seeing him? What did Isak knew about him that made him react like that? Or, was it only due to how Even looked? Did he somehow knew about Even’s condition? Was it the thing that made him react that way?

“Are you okay?” Linn asked him quietly.

Even was anything but okay, but he couldn’t show how much it affected him, so he bit his cheek from the inside and nodded shortly.

“I’ll just get inside to make sure Eskild doesn’t mistakenly say anything stupid, okay? Just stay here and we’ll call you in” Linn told him as she untangled their arms and was about to go back inside with one last glance towards him, before she stopped herself and fully turned back -

“Everything will be alright, Even. Isak is just a drama queen, he’ll turn around” she kept looking at his face until he nodded back with a tight node. Then, she walked inside, and Even let himself wipe at his eyes, just to make sure his tears indeed didn’t fall out, that all of them were still in, but his sleeves were now wet and his soul kept on crying inside. He sat himself on the ground and waited, because he was too tired to run away at this moment, and it was already darkening outside and he had no time to look for another shelter. He could run away in the morning, he wouldn’t stay in a place where he was that unwanted.

***

“Didn’t expect to see you here, from all places” a familiar voice said to him, and he raised his head from staring at his hands to her face.

“Sana” he simply said, his voice sounding tired, which wasn’t ideal, but at least he didn’t sound as broken and hurt as he felt inside. He managed to get a hold on his teary eyes a few minutes ago.

“Even” she nodded to him, her look serious and thoughtful, as if she was trying really hard to search for the right words to tell him, before she finally settled on -

“I can swear you told me you weren’t walking alone, back then”

Even’s entire body stiffened at her words. He didn’t know what to answer her back, being busted like that and not wanting to get on her nerves as well, so he settled on a question instead - “What are you doing here?”

“I just got back, from visiting my friends… Took a bit longer than expected because they were looking for their friend who ran away and I had to help, you know?”

Even swallowed loudly and stumbled quickly to his legs. She knew the whole thing, she probably knew about him, and now she was going to hate him, like all of them hated him, and he was now for sure burned here, at this place, as well, as Isak was against him as well for some reason, and he probably had no other choice than to run away again, if he would get the chance to run away at all. That was it.

“Listen, Sana, I can explain...”

“We can talk about this later, just - What are you doing here? How did you get here?” Sana cut him off, her face filled with concern.

“I met Eskild and Linn, and...” he started to explain, only to be cut off by her again -

“Why are you sitting here, outside, all alone?”

“There was a scene” Linn  answered instead. He wasn’t sure how much she had heard from their conversation, but Linn was fine. Linn knew about him, and he knew about Linn, and they were fine.

“Which is still going, by the way, sorry” Linn added while looking at his face.

“A scene? What kind of a scene?” Sana asked with furrowed eyebrows, her eyes moving from Even’s face to Linn’s.

“Isak decided he doesn’t want to accept Even, for unexplained reasons he doesn’t agree to tell anybody, not even to Jonas, and everyone are still fighting over this inside” Linn explained and Even felt himself shrinking a bit, without any control.

“What?” Sana scoffed, her face filled with confusion.

Linn simply nodded back.

“This man is just ridiculous, he sometimes acts as if we’re in highschool and not like he is 26 years old” Sana matured in an annoyed tone of voice before catching Even’s arm and dragging him with her inside.

“What are you doing?” Even asked as he was dragged by Sana, who despite being small physically, was very strong. Much stronger that she looked. Not that Even was surprised at this point, since when he first met her she kicked the ass of someone from the forces.

“I’m ending this mess” Sana explained to him while she kept on dragging him inside. Linn followed both of them as well.

“Isabell!” Sana shouted the moment they reached the entire group again, making Isak’s entire body jump.

“Huh? Fucking hell, why did you bring him back here?” Isak started to scoff, before Sana put him in his place.

“Cut the bulllshit off, Isak, you’re not the one giving the shots here. Even is fine, I’m sure Eskild and Linn tried to convince your stubborn brain of this fact, and if they didn’t, we can just split as planned right here and now and he’s coming with me.” Sana said as she tightened the hold on Even’s arm in comfort.

“What the fuck, Sana? Why would you pick this stranger over me?” Isak pouted and stared intently at Sana’s hand, the which was around Even’s arm.

“Because he’s not a stranger, Isak, he’s one of my brother’s best buds.”

*

Even wasn’t sure who from the guys were Sana’s brother, but she wouldn’t tell him, only reminded him quickly that they would talk about things later, that now wasn’t the time, before dragging him with her to introduce him to everyone, right after telling everyone Even’s full name, as a new introduction or a whole new start or something like that. Even already recognized Magnus and Mahdi, that didn’t seem to have any problems with him, or any lue who he was.

Even was really trying to pay attention and remember all the other names - There was Noora, the beautiful blond that reached Eskild right as they entered the shelter earlier, and there were also Chris and Vilde, who talked together at one corner with Noora before. The couple who was hugging together were Jonas and Eva. People also told him their last names, but Even couldn’t remember that much. Well… Except of Isak’s, because his mind couldn’t help but remember it as it was said by Sana while Isak rolled his eyes and walked to what seemed to the sleeping area, drugging with him Jonas and Eva.

Noora gave him, Sana, Eskild and Linn the remainings of the food, and Even was relieved to see it was a vegetarian dinner, and he didn’t have to explain that early on his problem with meat and make more problems already. The five of them set together on the floor, and Sana, Eskild and Noora talked together enthusiastically, while Even sat quietly next to Linn, who once in awhile threw a glance towards him, up until he caught her eyes. She then she turned her head a bit at him in question, it seemed to be as if she checked if was alright in this way, and he nodded back at her with his lips held tightly. It seemed to satisfy her, as she didn’t glance towards him that frequently for the rest of the meal.

*

“Oh, no, you can’t sleep here” Isak said the moment he saw Even was reaching the sleeping area and threw his backpack next to what he now discovered was Isak’s place. Even could feel the tears back in his eyes, almost falling out.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Isak” Sana scoffed him

“I’m not ridiculous, Sana, I’m...”

“You’re acting like a baby!” Sana said while rolling her eyes and she seemed impatient.

“I’m not a baby!” Isak insisted while rocking his leg and making another scene.

“Then stop acting like one!” Sana shot right back

“You can sleep here, Even” Mahdi offered the space next to what was supposedly where he slept, while Magnus was nodding furiously in enthusiasm, looking at Even as if he was looking at the stars.

Even grabbed his bag and walked towards the two of them while Isak gave the three of them a death glare. Isak, then, went towards the exit, signaling Jonas to follow him as he announced to the entire room that he needed fresh air. Jonas followed him outside, and Even followed their backs with his eyes.

Although Isak was treating him that way, and it hurt like hell, especially because Even couldn’t understand why he was treating him that way, Even still liked him. He couldn’t understand why, or how, he only knew it was a given, a constant he wasn’t able to change even if he wanted to.

“I’m sorry we don’t have anything for you to sleep on” Mahdi said as he crouched on the ground, Even followed him quickly and threw his bag to the ground as he settled.  

“Oh? It’s fine, I’m used to sleep with nothing but my hoodies on my body and my backpack as my pillow” Even shrugged

“Long time living out there in the wild without a home?” Mahdi asked

“Yeah” Even answered with a shrug

“Been there, man. Don’t worry, you’re fine now, we’ll find you some stuff tomorrow” Mahdi continued while he laid down, settling his head on what looked like a rumpled pillow. Even didn’t have a pillow since he lost his home.

“And ignore Isak, he can be like that sometimes, but he’s not such a pain in the ass most of the time, he’ll come around” Mahdi added

_But what if Isak was the only reasonable person in there? What if I would bring nothing but pain, vain and destruction upon every person in this shelter?_

Even just stared back, before leaning his head on his backpack and trying to fall asleep.

***

{Strangers}

Even couldn’t sleep. He didn’t have a sleepless night for a long time and it made him feel restless. He was turning from side to side on the floor, his hoodies clung to his chest, but his body didn’t hurt, as he was already accustomed to falling asleep like that. What kept him from drifting off was his mind. His thoughts just raised inside his head, and he didn’t manage to stop them. He couldn’t even take his notebook out to relax his thoughts, even though there was enough light in the shelter for him to draw, because the notebook was filled with drawings that were unmistakingly of Isak.

Even growled one last time in distress before deciding that he had enough lying, and that maybe sorting his thoughts in another place in the shelter might be the best decision for him. So he rose to his feet and walked to the dining area, only to find Isak sitting there, facing the other direction.

His heart stopped beating for a second before beating fast, way too fast. This could be his chance to set things right, or at least to understand what was wrong. Even stared at Isak’s muscular back for a few moments - He was wearing a black long sleeved shirt that clinged to his muscles and a red scarf was tightly secured around his neck, the same clothes he wore when Even arrived. He looked beautiful, and Even had to compose himself for a moment before approaching.

“What are you doing awake?” Even asked softly while crouching down next to Isak, startling Isak who seemed to be deep in thoughts a moment before. Even put a safe distance between them as he sat down. He could see Isak was tensing up and he didn’t look at Even directly, his gaze back to where it was a moment before Even talked.

“Why are you following me?” Isak asked bitterly, his jaw tensed and his eyes still focused on the space in front of him, although Even was looking at him carefully, his eyes not leaving his face, or maybe because of it.

“I don’t, I couldn’t sleep” Even answered, before staring at the space in front of him, in front both of them, as well.

“Well, me neither” Isak said quietly.

After that, there was an uneasy silence between them, and Even wanted to ask Isak one hundred things. But, instead he settled on what seemed for him a safe subject.

“Does it happen to you often?” Even tried to ask carefully.

“We’re not getting in there” Isak told him sternly back, still not looking towards him, still staring at the air before his face.

After another long silence, Isak blurted out - “Listen, I’m sorry, for earlier, for the scene I made… I don’t really know anything about you, and you’re probably hurt and I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s just… I don’t trust you, Bech Næsheim” and he then looked at Even’s face seriously for the second time that day, waiting for him to answer, or maybe just wanting to make sure Even took it as seriously as it sounded. But, although he looked serious, he also looked so soft and all Even wanted was to reach out and move away that few curls that softly fell on his forehead. But Even couldn’t have anything good in this world, as he was just reminded earlier today.

“I wouldn’t trust me if I were you, Valtersen” Even told him back, and it seemed to take Isak by surprise, because his mouth opened silently, perhaps in shock, as he still held the eye contact, before he forced his lips to close tightly - “Noted” he nodded, more to himself than to Even. He then returned his gaze to empty space in front of his body once again. But Even continued to look at Isak’s profile for a bit longer, because he just couldn’t help himself. This man.

“I’m heading back” he said after another long silence.

“Sleep tight” Even told him as Isak got up from the floor and unwrapped his scarf from around his neck in the process.

“Don’t tell me what to fucking do...” Isak half laughed, but his laugh and his smile weren’t genuine, and he started to head back to the sleeping area again, throwing Even’s heart to the floor and shuttering it all over again.

_Why does my heart go on beating? How can my heart keep on beating when it gets shuttered to pieces so many times in such a short time?_

Because Isak might be safe, but he wasn’t fine, at least not entirely - his throat was wrapped in a huge bandage, which was coloured in an alarming shade of red.

_What happened to you, angel? How can I make it better? Will you ever let me make it better?_

But Even was rooted to his place and Isak was already in sleeping area. And there was nothing Even could do, because Isak Valtersen didn’t like him and he had all the reasons not to, even if he didn’t seem to know them yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings: Self hate, mentions of death, mentions of depression and of a depressive episode  
> *  
> Almost this entire chapter is about growth, character development and communication. It was really important for me to deal with those two important subjects - Even's mental illness and his sexuality - this early on and in this way - Through communication and understanding. I wanted for him to have some sort of a support group before he meets other people, and I really hope it was shown in this chapter.  
> Once again, Even faces a conflict by the end of this chapter - Why did Isak react like that when he saw him? If you've got any theories, I'd love to hear them in the comments, if any of you would like to share them! <3  
> *  
> The next chapter will deal with the new dynamics in the group - Even's social dynamics with a lot of people in this new shelter he just became a part of will be explored, and there will be tons of sexual tension between him and Isak (because there isn't really any other way to go, when you put the two of them in the same room, right?). Also, some of the questions that rose in the first chapters, will be answered! :)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the third chapter](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/3DQgnkudpvE0h5kYi6RgQX)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first part](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/08IGRietc2c1HCfjgx79kW)  
> *  
> Thank you for reading! <3 If you felt anything at all, or just want to say anything about this fic - kudos, bookmarks and comments are highly appreciated and absolutely mean the world to me! <3  
> You can also always come and talk with me on [My Tumblr](http://thepersonalblogofsh.tumblr.com/)! xx  
> *  
> I have an extremely busy October, so the next update might be delayed a bit, but I promise I'll do my best to upload as soon as possible! <3


	4. Can't get you out of my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he could feel Isak’s eyes on him. They were burning into the side of his face. Isak took one deep, loud breath, but he didn’t say anything more, as if he changed his mind in the last second. So Even walked back into the shelter, without saying anything else to this man, leaving his aching heart outside with the man he didn’t deserve and could never have.  
> I have to get you out of my head.  
> *  
> In which Even discovers more about the past, and debates about the future - until he doesn't.  
> Featuring - Lots of talks, jealousy, revelations, Even's green notebook, some medical information and one final conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves (If there's even someone out there who's still willing to read this fic?)! I'm so sorry for the HUGE delay this time.  
> My life was just completely crazy in the past two months (more about this in the end notes <3)  
> *  
> As always, Triggers Warnings are in the End notes <3  
> *  
> So, This is the 4th chapter of the 1st part out of 3 planned parts (and this fic is already THAT long, gosh!). The Spotify playlist is already updated [and linked, again, in the end notes] :)  
> (Again, I left the names of the songs in their fitted scenes in {} in the beginning of each corresponding scene - So you can listen before/while/after reading if you'd like! <3)  
> I also added a spotify playlist for each chapter, if someone out there wants to listen to those instead <3  
> *  
> I really hope you'll enjoy reading! xx This chapter might be delayed, but it was written in the same love and passion as always, and I hope it will be showing x <3

**Chapter 4 – Can’t get you out of my head**

The next morning, Even woke up before everyone in the shelter. He wasn’t sure what woke him up so early, but on his way out of the sleeping area towards the kitchen area, to which he tried to sneak out to sit peacefully, he remembered the talk he had with Isak the prior night, as he almost stumbled on his sleeping figure.

Isak looked even more angelic sleeping, his cheek squished to the material of his pillow and his golden curls in disarray. Even allowed himself a moment, just a few seconds to observe this undisturbed beauty before glancing down his covered body and noticing his bruised neck. Isak’s neck looked awful, covered in a bandage full of blood and Even’s heart squeezed harder before missing a bit.

_What happened to you, angel? Who did this to you? Who made you hurt like that?_

Even was sitted in the kitchen area, deep in his thoughts, as the sleeping area behind him woke into life, as more and more people woke up and started to wake up one another - Some growling in annoyance, the others cheerfully moving around. Even didn’t feel like joining the others there, yet. He needed time to think how he was going to deal with the Isak situation, with his unexplained hostility and annoyance towards Even.

_Did he really know nothing about me and acted towards me like that solely because he didn’t want to trust me? What made him not to trust me? Is he hiding stuff?_

“Good Morning, handsome” Eskild squeaked as he came to stand next to where Even sat on the kitchen’s floor, towering above him, smiling wildly.

“Good morning, Eskild” Even chimed back.

“I think you should probably change into some comfy yet practical clothes, as we don’t know yet which part they’ll give you today” Eskild continued, smiling softly at him, and going on before Even was able to ask him what he meant - “We have here a routine - Every day people are in charge of different stuff - Some hunt, the others clean or cook… You probably should change into something shorter before we get divided into our groups” Eskild reached out his hand for Even to grab, to help his stand to his feet again.

*

“... and Bech Næsheim will join us to hunt” Isak finished, after saying everybody’s name standing in front of them in the kitchen, a page in his hand with their division for tasks.

And, of fucking course, with Even’s luck, he would be given the part of hunting, from all stuff. People got cleaning, cooking, watching over the building… And from all stuff, they made him hunt. Even knew he wasn’t able to do it. He remembered how it went down, or more truly - didn’t go down at all - with Mikael and shuddered in his place.

“Hmm, I can’t really join hunting...” Even said, a bit hesitant, not wanting to give anyone another reason to dislike.

“Well, too bad, because you will...” Isak told him back, pointedly, with an authoritative voice - “We were waiting for another hand in here for a while now”

“But...”

_I can help in other ways, but please don’t make me do this, not this, angel..._

“No buts” Isak warned him, his head raising a bit in challenge, and Even’s breathing was caught in his throat.

_I’ll try, just to join, I’ll try for you, but..._

“Isak, I can always...” Jonas started to say with a shrug, and Isak’s head snapped towards Jonas, his expression serious -

“No you can’t, you know you can’t” Isak barked at him, holding Jonas’s  gaze seriously until he shrugged once again in defeat and Isak’s expression softened at that.

Even eyed both of them questionly, while the others seemed to avoid looking at the pair while they had that little conversation. It seemed to be a frequent debate between the two men.

“Shall we?” Isak said as he put him backpack on his back, looking at Mahdi and Magnus who started to follow him, as he reached towards Even with a meaningful look on his face and big strides - “No buts” he reminded him as he passed right next to him, staring him right in the eyes as he said those words, which might or might not made Even shudder. From what exactly in the entire situation? Even wasn’t sure.

Everyone else seemed to already scatter, each was walking towards his or her’s task, and Even put his backpack on his back in defeat. Linn walked right next to him, probably sensing his hesitation. He hadn’t had a conversation with her or Eskild about why he didn’t hunt, but both knew he didn’t eat meat and didn’t hunt. Linn squeezed his shoulder lightly, in reassurance -

“It will be fine” she tried to tell him softly, and Even nodded back at her once, before turning towards the exit of the shelter, as he just saw Magnus’s back passing the corner to the corridor. With a deep heavy breath, he started to march behind the guys.

_You can do this, Even. You can make it and everything will be alright. What’s the worst thing that can happen?_

*   

Apparently the worst thing that could happen was Even finding his eyes full of tears and his bottom full lip shaking as Isak and Mahdi managed to catch a little rabbit, which squeaked and tried to escape Isak’s strong hands.

Even couldn’t stop himself. He could barely stop the tears, but he for sure couldn’t stop the way his eyes widened and the aching of his heart, facing this helpless little creature caught, realizing it was going to become their meal. Well, not theirs, as Even wasn’t going to eat it, but - the others’ meal.

“Dude, are you alright?” Mahdi asked as he saw Even’s whitening face, and Even’s hands started to shake lightly.

_No, I’m not, I can’t, I fucking can’t…_

But Even couldn’t talk, he knew his tears will spill out if he tried to. So, he shook his head, his eyes still focused on the little rabbit. He swallowed loudly as he stuffed his shaking hands in the pockets of his hoodie, his eyes only on the  little helpless creature.

“Please, don’t… Don’t hurt it...” Even asked quietly, his voice coming out stronger and steadier than he knew he could manage, feeling like that inside. His body seemed to jump into action and he reached forward, going right to where Isak was standing. And, while Even was looking him straight in the eyes, he took the little hopeless rabbit from Isak’s hands, that lost their strong hold on it as Even’s fingers brushed against his.

“Don’t harm it, please” He begged again, his eyes roaming into Isak’s, and Isak’s mouth opened a bit in wonder, his eyebrows raised softly. There wasn’t a trace of his coldness a decisiveness from earlier, and the power and authority in him seemed to evaporate as softness and curiosity took over his face. He roamed Even’s eyes closely, and it felt as if he was trying to search for Even’s soul. And Even would let him, he would expose himself to this mysterious man, which was full of so many contradictions, if he’d only let him.

But now wasn’t the time, so Even’s hands pulled the little rabbit closer, cradling it closer to his hoodie instead of the strong hold he had on his limbs before, as he took him away and made sure it was safe.  

“Oh” Isak finally said, barely audibly, and his beautiful thin lips opened a bit in what seemed like realization. His eyes seemed to be sobering, as their green was roaming into Even’s blue, and Even felt as if their eyes were pulling their souls a bit closer together. And he wished he was braver to talk with this man further, and not only through desperate looks at this moment. Because, it felt as if the blue in his own eyes was aching to be grounded by the earthy warm green in Isak’s eyes, to touch it like the skies touched the tops of the trees. And it was both too much and not nearly enough, to stare into that green, and know that the blue in his eyes can only dream to touch it, to caress it, as the blue of the skies never really touched the green of the trees. It only seemed that way for us, human beings, from the ground.

And, Isak, beautiful Isak, was stronger than him, as he could break that intense magic between them, which was held thickly in the air between them, like it was only the two of them out there in the wild, by turning his gaze south, to settle on Even’s big hands, that were patting the little rabbit a few times between his little ears. It seemed to relax in Even’s hands and its’ head nuzzled Even’s hoodie in comfort. And then, Even was aware that Mahdi’s and Magnus’s eyes were still on his face, both confused and maybe a bit lost, but all Even could do right then and there was looking at Isak’s softening face.

“Magnus, can you walk back with him to the shelter? Mahdi and I will continue from here” Isak said, now looking back at Even’s eyes, in a way which seemed to Even as peace making, maybe even a bit apologetic.

“What about the rabbit?” Mahdi asked, pulling in his lips as he looked at Isak’s face now, his eyebrows were raising questionly.

“We’ll manage without it” Isak said, his eyes roamed Even’s face - “You can do with it whatever you’d like” Isak added, talking to Even - “But I wouldn’t advice you bringing it into the shelter. I can’t help what will happen to it if we’re all hungry and come back empty handed”

Even nodded once, the hold on the little rabbit tightening a bit in comfort, and with a tiny smile, which barely lifted the corners of his lips up, he turned around to join Magnus in their walk back to the shelter.  

*

Even let the bunny go after it seemed to relax in his arms after a long walk. He also made sure they were both far enough from both the shelter and where they left Mahdi and Isak. What was this whole deal with Isak? Even wasn’t sure.

_Was this whole thing a test?_

“Are you alright?” Magnus asked him right after Even put the little bunny on the ground

“Yeah, it’s just...”

“Don’t worry about the hunting, we’ll get you something else to do tomorrow, I’ll make sure” Magnus cut him mid sentence, smiling at him.

“Oh, thanks” Even told him with a smile back, his body was relaxing a bit. They continued walking in silence until Magnus started to talk again -

“So… Even… Where are you coming from?” Magnus asked him, as he looked at him from above his shoulder, his head turned towards Even who was one step or two behind him. His tone seemed nonchalant and his hands swinged in the sides of his body as he walked, brushing against his sides aimlessly.

“Hmmm… I’ve been on my own for quite a while, to be honest” Even answered, shrugging - “Met Linn and Eskild one day and sticked with them ever since” he added, as Magnus looked at him again, a soft smile accompanying his glinting blue eyes

“Well, I’m glad… It’s so cool you joined us” Magnus told him, shrugging back, his eyes continued to shine and his smile seemed to widen

“Yeah?” Even asked him, a little smile spreading on his face as well

“Yeah, it’s about time a hot guy will join this team” Magnus said with a huge smile, purposable, his eyebrows raise a bit and his left hand raised to brush his blond hair a bit.

“Well, you’re not that bad yourself…” Even said while laughing a bit

_Didn’t you notice Isak? Or… Oh._

It suddenly clicked.

_Omg, baby jesus would love you!_

It was Magnus Eskild talked about, wasn’t it? Because Isak had to be straight, otherwise there wasn’t an option Magnus wouldn’t want him, wouldn’t think he was hot... It was Magnus all along and… Fucking hell, Even told Eskild about Isak, he almost forgot this fact with all of the mess that happened the previous night.

He just found the most beautiful human being he had ever seen, he just got the chance to live with him, only to encounter with the inevitable -  Not only Isak disliked him, but also he was straight. Fucking straight.

“But good to know someone thinks I’m hot...” Even added, a bit more reserved.

“Someone? Fucking hell, Even, are you serious? It’s probably the only thing all of us been talking about ever since you arrived!” Magnus almost shouted, his eyebrows raised high and his hands flying everywhere as he talked - “Like, you had to see how Chris talked about you yesterday while you were in the kitchen, fuck!”

Magnus half laughed to himself, before adding - “By the way, if you’re not sailing that way, well…” Magnus added a bit timidly, biting his lower lip.

“I’d keep that in mind” Even smiled back at him. He was fluttered, but he could feel nothing but disappointment, if he’d be honest with himself.

Because that conversation with Magnus, or at least parts from it, was what Even hoped he would have with Isak the moment he saw him yesterday. Well, Even was hoping for something a little more romantic than that, to be honest, something you could read in a novel, but he would settle on anything when it came to Isak Valtersen. He would even take hate from him, he would take anything from this kind of angel, but it still hurt. It hurt to know his opportunity with Isak was non-existent and he was also embarrassed to realize that Eskild would always know about his unreturned crush on the man.

“Well, you know, there’s always Isak, but...” Magnus started and Even didn’t want to hear how much Isak didn’t like him, unlike all the others in the shelter, even if he did let him have his way this morning. He just wanted to know why, because there was no way Isak just decided he didn’t like him for no reason at all, right? So, Even had to cut him mid-sentence. He had to.

“Well, I’m not sure what I did that made him react like that yesterday” Even shrugged, tried to play it nonchalant.

 _It’s a lost case, anyways. You can’t be with him, you can’t._  

“Fuck, Isak is such a drama queen sometimes...” Magnus actually laughed at that, his head was thrown back - “I don’t remember seeing him reacting to someone like _this_ ever...” Magnus added.

_Ouch. Great, this is turning out just great._

But Magnus didn’t seem to stop himself from laughing.

“Oh, fuck, well, he seemed to be a bit pissy ever since he got hurt...” Magnus added, while he was actually weeping tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes.

“How did he get hurt?” Even asked, curiosity taking over him

“Fuck, that’s the most bizarre story you’ll probably hear” Magnus laughed loudly - “It was fucking scary while we were in it, but now - Fuck, it’s just so damn absurd!” Magnus stopped a moment, to sort his thoughts, before continuing -

“Well, so we were the three of us, doing some sort of a travel further than our daily searches for food, and well… One morning, Mahdi shakes me up, half screaming at me that Isak took off to chase someone down, that child...” Magnus shook his head before continuing -

“And, then, we hear fucking gun shots! He fucking went off to chase someone with a gun, god knows why, and Mahdi and I just rushed out from our improvised shelter for that night in a hurry… And we find Isak rustling that fucking woman, who was clearly from the forces, on the fucking ground, and before we know what’s happening - he fucking throws himself with her down that fucking mountain we were on into a fucking lake! Which was fucking scary, then, but so fucking hilarious now that I think about that… Only fucking Isak would do anything like that, damn”  

Even’s heart shrinked and he could feel the color leaving his face.

_Fuck, it’s not happening, it can’t fucking happen..._

“And then, we run this fucking mountain down to not see him anywhere… It was as if all his traces were whipped, and we started to search for him fucking everywhere...” the smile was whipped away from Magnus’s face as he said those words, his head was bending down at his legs as he continued to walk - “He found us a day later, he had bruises everywhere, his knuckles were hurt and his entire neck was fucking ruined... We were smart enough to take his bag with us as we left the shelter the day before in a rush, as it contained all his medical stuff…“

Magnus sighed, his head was shaking - “He said the forces dragged him away, that the lake was surrounded by them and he had no way out, but he didn’t agree to tell any of us what really happened to him… Maybe to Jonas, I don’t know...” Magnus shrugged.

_This is my fault. I ruin every person that means something to me._

Isak was hurt and it was because he jumped right into danger, because of him. He was imprisoned by the forces because of him, and now his skin - his perfect milky skin - was ruined because of him.

_Will you ever forgive me for what I did, Isak? Do I deserve your forgiveness?_

Isak didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve being hurt because of Even, he didn’t deserve having scars because of Even. And Even didn’t know what to do about it.

_I have to make it up to you, angel. I… I have to make things better, I have to find a way to make it better…_

But Even was lost, because how could he make anything better when he was the problem in the first place? How could he make anything better with Isak, too good for this world Isak, when he was the one that made him hurt?

“Fuck” was all Even could say by the end, not daring to look towards Magnus.

“Yeah, fuck” Magnus scratched his head, shooking his head a bit.

They continued walking silently, Even looking anywhere but towards Magnus, until he felt a hand on his bicep which stopped him in his place and he raised his eyes to meet Magnus’s -

“Don’t worry about it, okay? Isak is so fucking strong, and it healed really well… Don’t ever tell him I said it, but he’s fucking brilliant when it comes to healing people”

_Of course he is._

Magnus squeezed his shoulder once, before he continued - “And he’d come around, Even, he’s just that… Dramatic dick sometimes” The corners of Magnus’s lips raised a bit, and he examined Even’s eyes worryingly -

“He’d come around and things will be alright, okay?”

Even gave in and nodded back at him.

_He might, but even if he didn’t know it, I don’t deserve it._

**

That night, Even fell asleep crying his eyes out silently.

Because Isak did know him, did recognize him from that incident, didn’t he? Isak knew his neck was ruined because of Even and he had any right to hate him for that.

***

The next day, Even found himself being assigned to help in the kitchen, instead of hunting. Everyone around him seemed to shrug it off, as if it wasn’t a big deal, whatever made him and Magnus come earlier the day before, before Isak and Mahdi came back as well, and Even highly appreciated all of them for that.

Today, he was with Noora and Eva, that seemed to be very close to each other. They were already in their places in the kitchen, chatting wholeheartedly with one another, when Even got closer to them.

“Hey Even, it’s so nice you get to join us today” Eva smiled at him kindly, while Noora smiled at him as well, a bit shyly, flipping her eyelashes at him, her right hand was touching her bottom lip.

“What do you want me to do?” Even asked back with a smile, looking at both of the girls with what he hoped was a warm expression.

“Do you have any experience cooking?” Noora asked him with a serious tone

“I’m vegan for a few years already, since I was a kid, so I know how to make some stuff… Been making my food for years now” He answered her just as seriously, a little shy smile was colouring his face

“I’m vegan, too” Noora’s face was coloured with a teasing smile, which slowly but surely widened - “So nice to have another vegan who knows how to cook around here, finally” she continued as her body was turning towards their improvised working space, and her hands reached to her left, searching for something - “We have here some leaves from yesterday, would you mind washing them a bit outside? Chris is supposed to be sitting next to the entrance, she’d be able to show you where to do this”

“Sure” Even smiled as he took the leaves and walked towards the entrance.

*

{The Wilhelm Scream}

After Even was back from washing the leaves, he found Eva and Noora deep in a conversation, so he let both of them be, minding his own business by making the leaves he washed into some sort of a meal while the two women talked while cooking something else with some other vegetation.

Even was never the kind of person to pry and listen to other people talking - whether it was his parents, Lea and his mother or people on the street. Even believed in giving others privacy and time to talk on their own without being listened to, but the place was kind of quiet and Eva and Noora were just right next to him and he couldn’t help but hear what they were talking about.

“...it’s just like you and Jonas! The two of you ended together...” Noora said, and Eva shook her head in return

“Noora… It’s not the same...” She told her with a little sigh, her voice was soft

“Hmm… Yes… It is the same…” Noora insisted, what prompted Eva to shake her head again and to place her right hand on Noora’s shoulder

“You know it’s not the same...” - Eva told her again, one of her hands was raising to Noora’s short hair, to brush it away carefully, before she continued - “Me and Jonas, it worked because I didn’t believe in those values my mom believed in… I wasn’t there from choice...William, however...”

“You don’t know him like I do!” Noora cut her off quietly, her voice was a bit harsh but it wasn’t above a whisper.

“I don’t...” - Eva admitted, her face was soft and she seemed to search for words - “But I remember you said it yourself...”

“But he saved me!” Noora insisted, the knuckle of her right hand, which was holding the workspace tightly, was slowly turning white.

“Did he really, though? Did he really save you?” Eva asked softly, so softly that it seemed as if she was caressing Noora with her words. Noora’s head was down, and she seemed to compose herself, or perhaps she was sorting her thoughts. After a long silence, Eva asked her quietly -

“Is it okay if I’ll go over to Jonas? You know how much he hates to clean...”

Noora’s head raised at that, and she gave Eva a tiny smile and a nod - “Sure”

“Just think about what I said, okay?” Eva asked, right before she started to walk away, her right hand was leaving Noora’s short locks as she went backwards

“Yeah” Noora told her, turning her head back to the workspace.

Even didn’t mean to stare at them as they talked, and he surely didn’t mean to stare at Noora now, as she was left standing there alone after Eva treated to the sleeping area.

She seemed to be deep in thoughts, but also a bit distressed, and Even didn’t want to see her hurting, couldn't just stand away and watch her hurting. So he reached closer, slowly and carefully, and stood next to her, leaving a comfortable space between the two of them.

“Hey there…” he told her with a calming tone - “Are you alright?”

Noora took a deep breath which moved her entire chest up and down, before she answered him, while her head was still staring at the workspace before her - “You know, they aren’t together that long...”

“Hmm?” Even asked carefully, and it prompted Noora to raise her head and look at him in the eyes as she continued -  

“Eva and Jonas. They act as if they’ve been together forever, but they didn’t… She doesn’t know him that long, she ran away only quite recently.” Noora told him with a tired tone and a little shrug.

“What do you mean, ran away?” Even asked her carefully, and Noora’s hold on the workspace seemed to soften. She turned her body a bit towards him and leaned against the workspace before she answered him -  

“Her mother is working in the military, on a very high ranked, busy job. She was basically never at home” - Noora started to say, her left hand started to tap on the workspace before she continued -

“Eva used to go to the streets every once in awhile, and I met her by accident, as I was walking by. I was just on my way out from a meeting, and she just seemed lost and lonely. I couldn’t just walk by without talking with her, without making sure she was fine…”

Noora stopped for a moment and shook her head as her face was accompanied with a fond smile - “We clicked right away, became really good friends. We met ever since, almost everyday, until…” Noora swallowed loudly at that, her eyes darted low and to the left, as if she was drowning in her past thoughts -

“Until she told me about her situation at home, how she can’t live with her mother, how much she doesn’t believe in everything that the regime represents and how torn she is for living with a mother who does, who is sanctifying such values and contributing to preserve their existence.”

Noora took a little break to breath deeply before she continued with a shrug -

“I took her in, I let her live with me in my tiny shelter. And, well, she stated to join our meetings...” Noora smiled to herself, before she looked at Even’s eyes again - “You know Jonas, heard about him from before, right?” She asked him, and Even didn’t really understand her question, so he shook his head -

“Hmmm… Not really?”

His eyes roamed into her, and she moved her eyes aside before continuing -

“Well… Me and him, we kind of started to protest… Mostly silently, not anything violet, just tried to reach the higher ranks there. Like… We started to talk about how it’s all wrong, the whole situation in the world, and in here in particular. We’ve been meeting for very long, trying to find solutions, ways to change things up, and then we added Eva to our meetings, and we tried to plan something... ” Noora said and she seemed to shudder a bit before continuing -

“Then, things went wrong… We messed up and… I remember myself being captivated by the forces, things turned out ugly and wrong…” - Noora whispered, her eyes were focused on her hand and her face dimed. A long silence stretched between the two of them, and Even was debating what to do - whether she wanted a hand on her shoulder as a sign of support or whether he should tell her something. What kind of support can you give for someone who had been through such a thing?

“But, then I met him...” Noora continued, huffed out quietly, her cheeks started to get a bit pinkish.

“William?” Even whispered, and Noora’s head rose so her eyes met his again -

“Yeah, and… Do you believe in love?” she asked him, and Even’s breathing hitched.

Wasn’t it pathetic that whenever this word - _love_ \- came up, the first thing that jumped into his mind was Isak? Unreachable straight Isak… Even didn’t know how to answer her, he tried to find the words, but Noora didn’t wait for an answer, probably sensed his hesitation, and just moved on -

“I didn’t believe in love for so long, laughed at that concept even, but then I met him and… Things just made sense? He, he got me out of it, and he promised we’d meet again one day, when things will get less complicated” she concluded, as her cheeks were heating up. The pink was spreading, and she shook her head before continuing -

“And, Eva, she doesn’t understand, she doesn’t know him like I know him… I’ve never felt this way, Even.” she said decisively, then continued -

“and the only reason I’m telling you any of this, while almost everyone in here don’t know anything about this, about William, is because Eskild trusts you, and… I know _that_ look” Noora’s eyes were roaming his face and then she looked into his eyes, and Even could feel his breathing was hitching and his face getting paler.

“Which look?” he asked her back, aiming for nonchalant and probably missing light years away.

“The look you had when you first looked at _him_ , when you first came in here.” Noora told him as her eyes were burning into his, and Even’s heart missed a few beats before beating so fast that his breathing quickened instantly.

_Was I that obvious? Am I that helplessly, clearly gone for him?_

He barely swallowed, the tightening in his throat was burning, as she continued talking -

“So, even if you can’t say yet that you believe in love, I know you do, deep down there you do.” she told him, and Even just stared back at her, before turning his look away, to look at the workspace to Noora’s left. They were standing there, facing each other as her eyes roamed his face and his eyes avoided her in all costs before she talked again -

“You know how we met him, right?”

“Who?” Even asked, feigning ignorance. Of course he knew who she was talking about.

“You know who” she told him an eyeroll, and a teasing voice, and Even’s eyes finally rose to her face again.

“It was through Jonas, it...” Noora started, but before she could elaborate, she was cut off by loud steps that came into the kitchen -

“We’re back!” Magnus shouted with a huge smile on his face, coming closer to Even and Noora, that turned their faces towards him as he came closer to clasp Even on his left shoulder -

“What did you guys make while we weren’t here?” we asked as his smile widened.

***

{Lay All Your Love on Me}

Magnus insisted Even would come and sit with him, Isak, Mahdi and Jonas in their usual corner while they were having lunch. After Even stuffed his plate with whatever Noora made, even before he reached the salad he had mad3E, Magnus drugged him by his arm, not letting him any other choice by joining them to lunch.  

He was seated on the ground between Magnus and Mahdi. Isak, who barely gave him a glance when he arrived with Magnus, was sited right across from him. Even was chowing on his food while trying and miserably falling not to stare at Isak, who was having a quiet conversation with Jonas, who was seated right next to him, while Magnus and Mahdi were almost shouting at each other above his head.  

"Have you tried this leaves salad you made, Even?" Magnus asked as he chewed on it with a shy smile, his eyes looking at Even who shook his head as he took another bite from the steamed vegetation Noora made from yesterday's left overs.  

"Fucking hell, you have to try this!" Magnus squeaked, as he picked up a few leaves from his improvised plate and got them closer to Even's mouth. Even opened his mouth to take a bite, as his hands were busy. It was, indeed, good. Even tasty.

Magnus moaned as he took what was left in his hand and threw it into his mouth - "Fuck, I've never thought leaves could be _that_ good!"

Even giggled, his head bowed down a little humbly.  

"Can you stop moaning as if you're fucking someone, Magnus? Fucking hell, people try to eat here!" Isak hissed towards Magnus while glaring at him.

"Why, too turned on by the idea, Isak?" Magnus laughed back, smiling at him, his hand turned up a bit, playfully.

"You meant turned off, right?" Isak snarled, his arms crossed in front of his body, and Magnus let out a laugh out his mouth - "Bullshit, you'd fuck me, you'd totally fuck me!" Magnus told him back, and Isak only shook his head back at him, rolling his eyes.  

"Not this conversation again, dude..." Jonas snickered, before taking another bite from his food.  

"Not only I wouldn't fuck you, I'd fuck _almost_ any other person in here before I'd do you" Isak told him, looking at Even as he said the _almost_ , and Even's heart constricted painfully in his chest.  

"Fucking bullshit" Magnus shook his head again as he took another bite from the salad Even made and moaned again.

"Can you just fucking stop with all this moaning around leaves shit?" Isak snarled at him again, his tone was raising a bit and his posture stiffened.  

"What the heck got into you today, dude? Why are you so pissy?" Magnus asked him back, his eyes were roaming Isak's face, and Isak's cheeks were painted pink before he answered -  

"Pissy? Fucking pissy? Fuck that, I'm not pissy, what the heck?" Isak's tone rose even more, and his hand took a piece from his food and he threw it into his mouth - "I just don't understand all the fuss around fucking leaves when you've got here meat today!" He acclaimed, his cheeks were becoming even pinker for a weird reason.

"Fuck, Isak, you tell me you didn't try it? You have to try it!" Magnus told him.

"I don't have to do shit!" Isak hissed right back, busying himself by taking another bite from his own food, his arms coming back to cross in front of his body right after he used them to pick up the food.  

"What is wrong, Is?" Jonas asked him quietly, his voice laced in worry, his head bowed a bit to the side as he tried to inspect his friend's face.  

"Nothing is fucking wrong!" Isak nearly shouted, as he glanced towards Magnus, and then looked at Jonas back - "I'm fine" he told, more quietly, in a still quietly pissed out voice, as he looked at Jonas back. Jonas raised his thick eyebrows back at him, and Even watched the two of them, could see them having a silence conversation with their looks before Jonas seemed to understand something, shook his head and turned his attention back to his food, while he was still shaking his head, as a smirk was now lacing the corners of his lips.   

"What?" Magnus asked, as he was looking at Jonas as well, and then right back to Isak, who's cheeks seemed to be painted in pink once again.

Jonas shrugged at him as an answer, and took another bite from his food.  

"What's happening?" Magnus asked again, pushing Jonas or Isak to answer him as Mahdi shook his head back at him - "Are you serious, dude? You seriously don't understand what it's all about?" Mahdi scoffed, and Even felt at lost sitting between all of them, who seemed to talk in codes around him. He couldn't understand anything that was going on, anything at all.  

Suddenly Magnus seemed to understand whatever was going on, and he looked at Isak while his breathing was caught in his throat and he squeaked so loudly that he startled Isak in his sit -  

"Fuck! Are you jealous?"

_Jealous? What the heck could Isak be jealous about?_

And Isak seemed to freeze in his place, and then his cheeks turned out red, crimson red, while his eyes were turning big. Then, he was shaking out of his stagnation and scoffed, his golden curls moving and his face was contrasting as he answered -  

"Jealous? Huh? What the fuck, Magnus???"

He was looking at Jonas, who seemed to be trying to stop from laughing loudly almost unsuccessfully, and Mahdi took his head in his hands and shook it on his other side in the mid time.

"Of the special bond which is forming between me and this hottie?" Magnus said as he pointed towards Even, and Even could feel his cheeks warming up as well. His eyes darted back to Isak's face, and Isak looked anywhere but at him, his hands were constricted to fists and his arms were still crossed in front of his chest.

"Dude!" Mahdi told Magnus, right after he lifted his head again, while he was still shaking it disapprovingly.

Even couldn't stop looking at Isak, who was still avoiding eye contrast with any of them, and was now biting his lower lips with his teeth.  

 _Could it be possible? Was Isak indeed jealous?_  

Even wasn't sure of anything anymore, and the silence between all of them stretched until Isak shook his head once, his curls were bouncing around by the action, and his eyes were turned to Magnus as he scoffed -  

"I'm not jealous, it's just... It's a meat table, you’re moaning around leaves this _hottie…”_ \- he said while rolling his eyes mockingly - “...or whatever might has poisoned, as he didn’t even take a bite, and..."  

_Of course. Of fucking course it wasn't the case._

"Wow, dude, what the fuck?" Magnus cut Isak mid sentence, his eyebrows were lifting unapprovingly and his head shook once, his eyes turned right to Even, to check on him, but Even didn't look back on him, still stared at Isak's beautiful face.  

Even felt that pang of hurt, of course he did. The pang of hurt because he wasn't wanted or trusted, of course he wasn't. Because, how could he even think things were about to turn better between him and Isak, after Isak was hurt because of him? How could he even go further and contemplate for a moment that Isak might be jealous of him and Magnus bonding?  

Isak was letting him go off the hunting because he was a liability there, that was all. Isak and him didn't talk with each other, besides that one time in the first night and the short exchange when he let him off, to go back to the shelter _with Magnus_.

Isak hated him from the moment he arrived, and those two little talks weren't enough to change it. Damn it, Isak probably hated him even before, sitting there and bonding with his friends. Of course he didn't even want to have his lunch sitting across from him. Even just messed things up between them even more.  

So, Even took the little shreds of dignity he still had and raised to feet while he was trying to swallow, but the lump in his throat barely let him to it.  

"Don't go Even..." Magnus told him, his head turned towards Even's and his left hand raising to hold onto Even's trousers, but Even just shrugged and gave him back a little smile.  

"It's fine, I wanted to take from the leaves I poisoned anyways..." He shrugged again, and with that Magnus let go of his trousers and stood up as well.

"I'll come with you, it's shitty here today" he said while giving Isak a look of disapprovement, and he walked right next to Even as the both of them went towards the salad container.  

“None of us think that, besides of him, you know that, right?” Magnus whispered to him with a hand on Even’s shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly, as they reached the salad and Even took a handful. Even shrugged as a replay, he didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to delve in the attitude he deserved to be getting.

The remaining of the lunch was passing in a haze. He was seated next to Magnus in another corner of the room, and Magnus was talking enthusiastically about something Even couldn't listen to. Because he was too busy to fail in repressing his need to look towards Isak, even though the boy hurt him and probably couldn't stand him at all.  

His words, Isak’s words, should have permitted him from wanting to be anywhere near him, they should have made him despite Isak right back, but Even couldn’t. Because he deserved all this lack of trust, he deserved the hostile wards Isak shot his way.

And Isak was so damn beautiful, even from this afar, and Even hated himself from pinning for that impossible man who was hating on him justicingly. He hated himself for making that man despise him that much.  

And what sucked the most, made Even even weaker in refraining from looking towards where Isak was seated, was the eyes he could feel roaming his body from across the room, the electricity that ran all down his spine every time those eyes landed at him from across, and he was frozen in his place in that one time his and Isak's eyes were meeting each other from afar. The earthy warm green was too far away for Even to recognize, but all Even could do was staring back, because he couldn’t feel daggers or hate or hostility in his look, all he could feel was the green’s warmth, even if he couldn’t see the green itself. He was captivated by those eyes, the air was suddenly thick and humid and there was that heavy tension between them, out there in the open.  

Once again, just like in the first time Even arrived to this shelter, Isak was the first to turn his gaze away, to break this tension between them. He probably didn't feel it at all, anyways.

***

Even was turning right and left on his place on the ground that night. He couldn’t sleep, no matter how he laid, and he felt too hot, all over his body, even though there was nothing but his clothes covering his skin and the night was freezing.

If he’d be honest with himself, it was also due to his mind, which just couldn’t turn off. It was singing an _Isak, Isak, Isak_ song, even though it had no right to, shouldn’t had to. The more Isak pushed him away, the more Even felt obligated to make things between them better, the more he craved his forgiveness and the less worthy of it he felt.

After turning for the one hundredth time, Even stood up and walked out the sleeping area, later out of the entrance of the shelter, when sitting in the eating area didn’t help as well. He found himself out the shelter, right out the door, as he was trying to breath in some fresh air, which he thought might clear up his roaring mind. He was standing there and looking at the stars, staring up at them with eyes almost as shiny. Even was never a big fan of star gazing. Looking up to the skies made him feel even more helpless, it always made him feel even less strong than he should be, reminded him how weak he actually was. But Even could appreciate their beauty, the way they gleamed up there, without any worry to care about.

But Even could barely have the time to appreciate the stars tonight, as suddenly a strong hand pushed him down to the ground from his shoulder, as a heavy body jumped on his back from behind, pushing him quickly and efficiently to the ground, the other hand of the stranger pulled his right hand around his back and held it there as there was suddenly a heavy weight on his ass, as the stranger sited himself on Even.

Even struggled to move for exactly a moment, as his other hand was pulled around as well, so both his hands were held behind his back together from his wrists. As he could feel the first touch between the stranger’s bare hand and his own skin, an electric feel spread through Even’s body, knocking all the air out his lungs and he quiet moving in an instant because _he knew_. He knew this wasn’t a stranger, and suddenly his mouth became dry and he licked his bottom lip with his tongue as _his_ right hand, which didn’t held Even’s wrists together, was reaching for Even’s face, then turning it a bit so _he_ could see his face.

“Oh, fuck, that’s just you” Isak told him with a loud grump and let go of his wrists immediately, but his body was still on Even’s ass, keeping him on the ground.

“You want to tell me that you didn’t recognize me?” Even told him after a way too long silence, in which both he and Isak seemed to hold their breaths for way too long and the air seemed way too thick, warm and heavy for this hour of the night. Then, Isak pushed himself off him, and sited himself next to him instead.

“It’s dark out here” Isak told him with a shrug - “Besides, couldn’t take any chances, when I have to make sure everybody in here is safe” he said as he glanced towards Even - “But what are you doing out here this hour?” He eyed Even carefully, his eyes roamed Even’s face.

“Couldn’t sleep” Even shrugged back, his eyes were staring back into Isak’s, until Isak broke the eye contact to shake his head.

“Yeah, that’s what you want all of us to think, I guess” Isak answered him, eyeing him from the corner of his eye, and Even felt that pang of pain again.

“I don’t mind saying it happens to me often, by the way” Even answered with another shrug and didn’t look at Isak as he answered, and Isak sucked in his breath loudly next to him, before he started talking again -

“Listen…” he started to say, and Even raised his eyes towards him in anticipation with that. For once, Isak’s tone was tentative and it picked Even’s curiosity.

“I’m sorry about earlier, about lunch, it’s just…” Isak said, and shrugged a bit, but before he could finish whatever apology he started to say, Even cut him off-

“That’s fine” Even shrugged. He couldn’t let Isak apologize because he didn’t deserve his apologizes, not after he made Isak hurt like that.

His answer made Isak look towards him back, his eyebrows were raised in confusion -

“No, listen, it’s just...” Isak tried again, now he was looking in his eyes, but Even didn’t deserve his apologizes, at least not yet.

_Ruin me and don’t take it away. I deserve it, we both know it._

He still didn’t made up for making Isak suffer.

“It really is fine, Isak” he told him while looking at his eyes, before he was silently inspecting his face. Isak looked so pretty this close, his cheeks and the tip of his nose were pinkish from the cold and his curls that weren’t hidden by his wool hat looked so soft.

_Why do I stop myself from touching you, again? Why can’t I caress your skin and kiss every piece of exposed skin I can reach?_

But then Even glanced down from his lips, from his sweet pinkish cupid’s bow, and he saw the scurf which was secured around Isak’s neck, and all he could do was to swallow loudly.  

Even was up his feet before he would regret it, before he would do something stupid like kissing the man of his dreams, his impossible man who was straight and fucking hated him - “I should probably go inside, try to sleep again” he told Isak, and refrained from looking at his reaction.

But he could _feel_ Isak’s eyes on him. They were burning into the side of his face. Isak took one deep, loud breath, but he didn’t say anything more, as if he changed his mind in the last second. So Even walked back into the shelter, without saying anything else to this man, leaving his aching heart outside with the man he didn’t deserve and could never have.

_I have to get you out of my head._

*

{Can’t Get You out of My Head}

But there was just too much Even could handle, he couldn’t handle lying there on the ground, pretending that he could now fall asleep, and before he knew it he was sitting on the ground again, shaking his head and wiping at his eyes, his entire body felt bothered and out of place.

He was in his own head, still deep in thoughts, when suddenly he could feel his surrounding was changing, and before he knew it, as he looked up, he could see Isak standing there, across the room. He was staring at him with a look Even couldn’t quite understand, but he could feel a vibration going down his spine at the way Isak looked at him. Then, Isak lifted his eyebrows at him, and looked around the corner which divided the sleeping area from the eating area. And Even would never need to be told twice to follow Isak, so he was up his feet and walked towards the eating area in a second.

As soon as Even was out the shelter’s sleeping area, his mouth opened to ask Isak why he came in to call him, Isak’s hand reached up to his mouth, to bound any sound from slipping out of it. And before Even could understand what was happening, before he could even react, Isak gave him a meaningful look before bending his head down.

A strangled whimper was silenced by the warm hand on his mouth as Isak’s mouth attacked Even’s neck, kissing and biting, licking and sucking… And Even couldn’t do anything but give himself to Isak, whichever part Isak would take - Even would give him. Even couldn’t do anything but to moan, the sound was generated down in the base of his throat and evaporated up to his mouth, threatening to escape his bounded lips as Isak licked up his throat with a warm tongue.

His hands were reaching to Isak’s waist, pulling him closer, so their hips could join, to help them share some warmth, although he was already on fire. He needed more, always more… His hands then desperately reached up, to hold onto Isak’s curls, just as Isak pulled his hand off his mouth and his lips crushed Even’s, their tongues were dancing as Isak’s strong hands hold onto Even’s waist for dear life, pulling him even closer somehow, keeping him in place as he grinded his hips against him right back.

A low moan escaped Isak’s lips right into Even’s open lips as Even pulled on his curls once, and the heat, it was starting to get even higher, suffocating even. It all felt too sudden, too much, it was starting to consume each and every one of his cells, begging for more and feeling like it was way too much all at once. It was all too much, the fire, it was too consuming...

Even huffed and shoot up to sitting. He was still in his place on the ground, right next to a sleeping Mahdi, in the bedroom section of the shelter. People around him were sleeping and his breathing was heavy, way too heavy, his whole skin was tingling and covered in sweat. He had to take it under control before he would wake someone up.

_It was a dream, it was just a dream…_

He grumped loudly and threw himself back to lying again, while he was bringing his arm up to cover his face, and he felt like screaming into a pillow or something in frustration. Because it might had been just a dream, but his entire body was feeling warm and his dick was standing high and heavy in his trousers.

He was shaking his head in despair while he was biting on his lower lip as he avoided the need to touch, to feel, to give himself some kind of satisfaction and relief, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop if he started to touch himself, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself quiet while thinking about isak like that…

Even was trying to think of things that would turn him off, that would bring his body down from this feeling, but his mind just went straight back to his dream, to those lips and how they felt on his body, on his own lips. To those strong arms around him, holding him in place, and to the electricity _his_ touches sent through his body, to the warmth they left behind...

It took him a few more minutes to somewhat relax, to the tent in his pants to lower a bit and to his body temperature to lower, and as he was lying on his stomach, trying to regulate his breathing, he could hear a sound, as someone was entering the sleeping area.

Even decided the best decision would be to pretend to be sleeping. He knew he didn’t come down his high entirely, and he didn’t really want to explain his boner to anybody in this hour of the night, didn’t want to explain who was keeping him awake\waking him up all over again.

Even was trying to regulate his breathing when he could feel the person coming closer to where he was lying, could feel them towering above him for a few seconds, before they crouched on the ground right next to him, and Even’s breathing stopped in panic, but he forced his eyes to be kept close, although his heart race was peeking and he wanted nothing other than to look.

He could feel a hand right next to his hair on the ground, a slip away from touching, and he could feel the warmth radiating from the person as they were crouching right next to him -

“Pst, Mahdi...” he whispered, and Even was trying to keep still in his place at Isak’s voice, tried and almost failed not to gasp loudly.

“Mahdi….” he could hear Isak again, and he could feel him move a bit, sitting himself more permanently on the ground as he tried to wake Mahdi up. And Even could swear he could feel a finger or two playing with the edges of his hair, could swear they were moving in it, and he was trying really hard to suppress the shiver which was building deep in his bones.

The fingers’ movement, if it happened at all, stopped as Mahdi started to ruttle next to him, finally waking up, due to Isak’s words -

“It’s your turn” Isak told him, and Mahdi growled before he was sitting up and probably whipping the tiredness off his eyes.

“Magnus…?” Mahdi asked, and Even could feel Isak’s hand was moving further away from his hair -

“He’s already out there, on the other side. He replaced Sana and Chris something like a hour ago” Isak answered him with a whisper, and Mahdi took a deep breath in return.

“Be out there in a minute” Mahdi answered him, and just like that Isak’s hand left its’ place on the ground and he could tell Isak was standing up again and walking away, probably to his place in the room, to catch some sleep.

When Mahdi was gone as well, and Isak stopped moving in his place on the sleeping area, the quiet was stretching in the place. Even finally let himself breathe normally again. He let out a heavy breath and turned around from his stomach to his back, trying to avoid from pressing his now fully standing, aching dick to the ground, due to Isak’s proximity a few minutes ago.

Even was a lost case.

_I can’t get you out of my head._

***

Even loved the sun. He loved feeling it’s warmth washing over his body, as it was tenderly painting his face with stripes of light.

He finally had some time to himself, and he took a little walk in the nature, ‘not too far away from the shelter, please be close enough to be easily called back’ as he was asked by Noora. She told him she might need some help to prepare things for dinner, or that she would love to discuss some vegan recipes with him. ‘If you wouldn’t mind’. Of course he wouldn’t.

Even liked Noora. She had this kind of a special aura surrounding her, accompanying her moves and words in a quirky yet endearing way. But she also had a tint of mystery. She seemed like one thing from the first glance, then acted differently. He couldn’t quite understand the conversation he had with her, or she and Eva had, back then in the kitchen, he couldn’t quite understand all the emotions that seemed to bubble underneath the surface. He wouldn’t think Noora would act like that about stuff at all, from first glancing at her, or that she would be the kind of person to open up to a stranger. Because, even if she trusted Eskild, she didn’t seem like the person to trust others just because people say they were trustworthy.

_What made her open up to me?_

Even wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t burrow in the aspects of Noora for too long, as much as her story and actions seemed interesting, because his mind came back to _him_ , it always seemed to dive right back to _him_.

_Isak Valtersen_

Isak was the greatest mystery of them all, the biggest contradiction, the warmest sun and the most biting cold all at once, simultaneously pulling him closer and spitting him far away, tearing him apart in all kinds of way. He seemed both soft and caring, yet hard and biting. Both strong and insistent, yet small and pliant.

Even couldn’t blame Isak for the words he fired his way, but he also couldn’t understand why Isak tried to take them back, when they were alone. Basically, Even couldn’t understand what was Isak’s deal, what he wanted out of Even.

Was he just mad that Even was becoming part of the shelter’s life? Was he really thinking Even was that untrustworthy, that he would poison all of them? Would Isak ever forgive him for whatever he went through because of him? Could he? Was Even worthy of his forgiveness?

Even didn’t know the answer to any of those questions. All he knew was that he needed this time alone. He needed to sort his roaring mind a bit. He needed a few hours, even minutes would be better than nothing, with the clarity of thoughts.  

So Even found a solid rock and finally took one of his most precious possessions out - his green notebook. He didn’t dare pulling it out his backpack ever since he arrived to this place, and he missed the drawings and words that were kept in there, he missed having a pen in his hand and touching the white pages. He missed filling the notebook up with new images, new words and lines, new memories. He ached to finally draw Isak’s features in, as pathetic as is might sound to one, ever since he got the chance to finally see them from up close. Drawing was always his tool to realization, was always his anchor. It always soothed his heart and calmed the storms in his head. Throwing all the little details he had in his mind onto the pages of white, filling them up with life and warmth, made his heart sing and his thoughts float. It made him find his peace.

So Even focused in the depths of his memories. He focused on getting the shape of Isak’s cupid’s bow right and the little mole, which was right above it, in place. He focused on nailing the slope of his cute nose to perfection, and the way his eyebrows arched above the earthy warmth which his eyes were. He focused on the way he remembered his curls to frame his face, curling around it in the most soft, delicate way. He focused so intensively that before he knew it, he had a couple of pages filled with Isak’s face in detail, from different angles. All he could do in retrospect was to pass his hand across them tenderly,  because that’s the only way he’d probably be able to touch this angel’s face.

He started to browse back, seeing all those drawings he did back then on his way down the memory lane. Those drawings were of Isak’s form from afar, before he knew his exact features. He ruffled back until he reached the sketches he did of the guys. The guys he ran away from, Sana’s brother, Mikael and their friends. Although Even didn’t know all of them for that long, they let him feel wanted almost his entire time with them, they let him feel a part even though he was so different from them, even though they were a crew and he was basically a stranger that Mikael used to know. And even though they probably didn’t want any connection with him now, after realizing what he was, he missed them. He missed them even though he was starting to be a part of another group, which was for the most part not least warm and accepting.

“There you are!” a voice told him, and Even startled, shutting up his notebook quickly and pulling it close to his chest as he looked up. Sana was looking at him from above, her smile was small but warm and sincere, her dimples were showing.

“Mind if I join you?” she asked, her head was pointing to the empty place on the rock, right next to Even.

“Hmmm, no, not at all” Even said as he carefully opened his backpack and put his notebook and pen into it, while she was sitting next to him. She was kind enough not to ask him about the notebook, whether she saw what was in it or not, looking at him straight in the eyes as she started to talk again -

“So, I owe you some answers...” She told him with a smirk, which exposed her dimples again. She looked so soft at that moment, softer than Even got to see her before, and it made his heart melt and open up to her.

“ _You_ owe _me_ answers? I thought it’s the other way around!” he laughed softly, and it made her eyebrows shoot up and her smile to widen a bit -

“Well, I thought it would be better, that it would make you feel more comfortable, if both of us would just be open with each other about this stuff, Even, but if you prefer me just attacking you with questions...” she started to laugh, and Even’s hands rose up in defeat, his head shaking a bit.

“No, I would love that, you’re right, please continue” He said with a smile, and she nodded at his once before turning a bit more serious, but open nonetheless.

“So, what do you want to know? How much do you know?” She asked him, instead. The smile was no longer on her face and her eyes her scanning his face intensively, but Even couldn’t feel anything but care radiated from her tone and look.

“I only know that you know the guys, that, apparently, you were on your way to meet them when we first met and that you helped them to search after me or something” Even said, trying to stay precise and to keep his emotions abay.

Sana nodded once, then looked to the side, as if she was trying to gather her thoughts before she continued -

“Even, I understood from them you don’t know them for very long, right?” she asked him, and Even nodded once, not wanting to stop her from continuing -

“So I get that you were afraid, that you felt like maybe you needed to run away. Elias, he might be my _older_ brother, but he can be so dense sometimes, with the way he acts…” She shook her head fondly, and Even swallowed loudly once before making sure his ears weren't fooling him -

“ _Elias_ is your brother?” he asked in disbelief. and Sana nodded once.

“But, you told people here, the night I came… You told everyone I was one of his best buds?”

Sana nodded before answering at last -

“Because you are...”

Even opened his mouth, but Sana didn’t even let him to get started -

“Listen, Even, I understand it might be hard to believe, especially since I know my brother for years and Yousef told me about everything that happened while you were with them, but… Elias is a really good guy. Yes, he doesn’t really trust strangers, and it doesn’t justify him spying on you while you were with them or anything, but it’s only because he cares so much for the boys. He has always cared so much for the people he loves and he feels this huge responsibility to make sure everyone he loves is safe. He had a really hard time letting me go at the beginning because of that, but he also knows when it’s time to let go, even if he doesn’t feel like that.”

Sana smiled to herself once before she continued -

“I know you deal with some stuff, because they told me about it. They told me because they were scared and they knew I had some medical knowledge and they wanted to find you, because they really care about you, Even. Elias was so worried and sorry, Even, I haven’t seen him _that_ broken about anything. He knows he hurt you and I know he didn’t mean to, Even. We literally searched you anywhere we could think of because they want to have you back. You haven’t been with them for long, but all of them grew to love you and care about you. They really saw you as part of their crew, Even.”

And Even could feel tears gather up in his eyes, because it sounded like the guys indeed cared. It sounded like this stuff Sana just told him was something she strongly believed in, she didn’t sound like she lied to make him feel better. Even couldn’t think of a reason for her to lie about this stuff.

Sana reached with her hand to his and gave it a tight squeeze before she let go and continued - “Even, I just want you to know that you always have a place with us, with our crew. And I don’t expect you to just go and tell everyone here about your condition - It’s your decision whether or not to share this part of you with anyone, but just know that people here won’t judge you and won’t exclude you for that. And, as hard as it might be to believe at this moment, you also always have a place with Elias and the boys, okay?“

Sana gave him a soft smile that Even followed with a hesitant one. Because Sana, who seemed so tough and strong, was also so tender and nice with him, was so supportive and Even was sure she was not bullshitting him right then and there, even if it was hard to believe, even if it seemed so far from how he was feeling things were going on.   

Even whipped at his eyes once, quickly and efficiently whipping away the tears that managed to slip out of the corners.

“I probably should go back now, just wanted for us to talk” Sana told him as she stood to her feet, shaking her clothes a bit from the dirt which was attached to it from sitting there - “You’re alright?”

“Yeah, thank you, for telling me all of this” Even told her, still sitting on the rock.

“Sure thing, Even” she told him with another smile - “You should probably head back soon, as well, I think Noora was searching for you to talk about our lunch for tomorrow. And after the delicious food from yesterday and this lunch, I’m surprised at myself for not pulling you with me at this moment” she smiled teasingly, and Even returned her smile -

“Tell her I’ll be there in thirty minutes” Even told her with a nod. He just needed a little more time to himself, to calm down from everything that Sana told him.

“Let’s make it twenty? You won’t have all day with Noora, I assigned you to join this group activity this evening” Sana answered him

“Which group activity?” Even asked back, confused, while arching his eyebrows.

“Just some medical stuff, it’s pretty important for you to catch up, as you just joined us” She explained.

“Okay...” Even answered, with a shrug.

“Oh, Even, you don’t really get any other option. Just make sure to be in the sitting area by 20:00”

And with a last smirk, she turned around and went back to where she came from, leaving Even feeling both more knowledgeable about the past and more baffled about the future than he felt before.

***

Apparently, the medical stuff turned up to be a full evening class, which was taught in small groups by Isak and Sana in turns, as Even discovered when he sat himself in the sitting area at 20:00, just after he and Noora ended discussing recipes. They already had a few new ideas for the rest of the week, for a start, which was pretty exciting.

What Sana didn’t seem to tell him beforehand was that she wasn’t the one in charge of the lesson this evening, as both he and a releculent Isak seemed to realize as only he, Isak, Chris and Vilde where in the corner of the sitting area. The looks Isak seemed to shoot him confused the hell out of Even, and the lesson was delayed for ten minutes as Isak ‘had to go and discuss some series matters with Sana about what he’s going to teach’. _Yeah right_. What was another pang of pain to his heart anyways, when there were all deservable?

In those ten minutes, however, Chris and Vilde seemed to have a lot to talk with him about.

“So, Even! It’s so cool you’d be joining us today! Isn’t it exciting, Chris?” Vilde looked at Chris, which didn’t seem to stop looking at Even, as she was still holding the spoon she used for dinner at her mouth.

“Oh, yeah, definitely” she told Vilde, popping the spoon right back into her mouth as she gave Even another meaningful look, and Even found himself squirming at his sit at that.

“Have you ever been to any medical lesson?” Vilde then asked him, and Even turned his attention right back to her, then shook his head -

“Actually no, do you know what we’re going to learn today?” he asked as he tried to keep on looking at Vilde’s face, as Chris still gave him some strange looks with the spoon in her mouth.

“I have no clue! Isak is more an action kind of guy, so I’m sure we’ll be right into action right from the start!” Vilde answered him with a huge grin on her face - “Don’t tell Sana I said so, but he’s really good in this stuff!” She snickered, as Chris hummed in agreement from where she was seated, drawing Even’s attention right back to the spoon in her mouth.

“Oh, Even, I understand you like cooking! And you’re really good in this! It’s so nice to have another person who can cook around here!” Vilde continued, her smile got even wider, and Chris nodded in agreement right next to her.

“By the way, that salad you made in the first day? Delicious!” Chris added, and Even smiled at them -

“Oh, wow, everyone seemed to really like this salad… Would you like me to try and make it again?”

The girls nodded enthusiastically as an answer, and then started to say some stuff to each other right as Even saw Isak reaching their group with a huge backpack on his back. His stride seemed to be confident but his face seemed to be a bit red. From what? Even couldn’t tell.

Isak dropped the backpack and then himself on the ground right in front of the group, and Vilde squeaked and quickly pulled him into a soft hug, as Chris was looking at the pair with a soft smile on her face.  

“Okay” - Isak said once before he was clearing his throat - “So we’ve got an easy but a very important lesson today. It’s a pretty basic stuff, so I’m sure you guys would be able to nail it pretty quickly, but it’s still important to pay attention to all the small details” he said as he gave them all meaningful looks, but he seemed to spare Even only a quick glance.

Isak then reached into the backpack and pulled out a bunch of bandages - “We’ll learn how to end different kinds of bleedings, depending on the damage all of us might face out there” he said as he carefully put the bandages in front of him on a cloth on the floor.

“It’s really important to know how to stop a bleeding, as losing blood can cause death. If an adult loses more than 750 milliliters of blood, he or she might be in a series danger of death. Also, blood loss might cause other dangers to your body, such as losing liquids and infections” Isak’s eyes widened in fake horror as he said the last bit, and Vilde giggled at her place.

Isak gave her a soft smile before he continued -

“So, what’s the most important stuff when you find yourself bleeding?” Isak asked them, and Chris pulled the spoon out her mouth to answer right away - “To stop it?”

“Yeah, exactly. Vilde, would you come here to be my model?” Isak asked with a soft smile, and Vilde jumped up from a place excitedly, and sat right next to Isak in front of them. Isak took a bandage and handed the other to Chris, who came closer to Even to sit right next to him.

“So, I’m going to show on Vilde the first way we can stop a bleeding, with a simple bandage. Chris, please do the steps right after me and as we’ll stop, we’ll change parts” Isak instructed, and Vilde rolled up the sleeve of her shirt, and Even could feel Chris rolling up his sleeve right after seeing that, shooting him a hesitant smile that Even returned with a comfortable one.

“Okay, so this is the simplest way to stop a bleeding. The first step is to open the bandage without touching its sterile part, to reduce the option of us accidentally infecting the hurt area” - Isak showed in a swift move how to do this and waited for Chris to slowly follow.

“Good. Then, we’ll put the sterile part right on the hurt area and we’ll start to use the edges of the bandage to flip them around the bleeding area - After the first turn around the arm, we’ll cross the edges to switch their places” - Isak showed how to do so, before he continued - “then, we’ll continue to twist them a bit more, before using everything that’s left from the edges to wrap the bandage around the arm” - Isak showed how to do this as well, and Chris followed him carefully and slowly, her tongue got out of her mouth a bit in concentration as she tried to copy Isak’s moves.

“Then, by the end, all we need is to tie the bandage twice right above the bleeding area” Isak said as he did just that, and Chris followed with a small smile on her place.

“But, this kind of bandage might not be enough, they bleeding might be so hard that it will go right through it, because the bandage just can’t stop the bleeding” Isak said, as he reached into the backpack and took out two new bandages, and threw one of them towards Chris as he showed them the other in his head -

“We take another bandage and put a tie in its middle” - Isak said as he formed a simple tie with the new bandage - ”We put the tie right on other bandage, above the bleeding, to increase the pressure on the blow.”

Isak said, as he put the tie on this place on the bandage on Vilde’s arm - “Then, tie this new bondage around and secure it there as well” Isak instructed as he showed them how to do what he instructed, and Even could feel Chris was doing just that, but Even’s eyes were right on Isak’s hands, that were moving confidently around Vilde’s arm - “And then, we have to make sure there is still a pulse in the area, to make sure we didn’t stop the blood supply to this area of the body” - he added as he checked for Vilde’s pulse.

As he finished, he looked up towards Chris and Even - “Any question?”

Both Even and Chris shook their heads, and Isak smiled softly - “Good, so we can move on to tourniquets”.

*

After explaining them about two types of tourniquets, which Isak asked both Even and Chris to just look while he was performing them on Vilde, Isak gave them time to try and practice what they saw in the pairs they were at.

Even let Chris start on him, as he was trying and failing not to glance over to where Isak and Vilde were seated, across from him and Chris.

“They’re cute together, aren’t they?” Chris pulled him out of his probably way too obvious staring, and Even finally let his eyes leave Isak’s strong legs and arms -

“Hmmm?” He asked, not quite understanding  what she was referring to.

“Isak and Vilde, together. They’re cute, aren’t they?” Chris told him with a smirk, and Even looked at her confused, and then his eyes darted right back to the pair.

_Oh._

“Oh, hmmm… Well, I didn’t know they’re together...” He said and Chris snorted loudly as an answer, before she started to laugh as well, to his huge bafflement.

“What, oh god, that’s not at all what I meant, oh boy...” she started to wipe tears of laughter from  the corners of her eyes before her hands went back to work on the tourniquet on his arm.

“What’s so funny?” he asked in confusion.

“It’s just hilarious you even thought that!” she told him with a giggle, as Even felt more and more in loss.

“You’re the one who just said they were cute together…”

“Because he just turns all soft around her, he cares about her so much, look at them!” she said as she pointed towards them, and Even looked. Isak indeed seemed softer, with the way he looked at her and the way he carried his body in general around Vilde - “I only said it because they know each other for years, I even think Vilde told me once that Isak used to call her ‘little sister’ when they were much younger, before I even got to know them” Chris said with a smirk as she loosened the tourniquet she worked on to try the other one, and Even moved a bit as she started the it, to let her reach his leg easily.

As she worked on it, Even looked again at the other pair - Isak brushed Vilde’s hair away from her face as she tightened her bandage around his arm, and his face screamed ‘fondness’ from the way he observed her face as she started to place the second bondage on his arm, smiling up at him once in awhile and  shooting him some silly faces as well in the process.

“So, what do you think about Isak?” Chris asked him out of nowhere, once again bringing his helpless staring at the man to a halt.

“Well, he’s a damn good teacher, that’s for sure” Even said with a shrug, and Chris lifted her eyes up to signal him to continue speaking - “Other than that, well, I don’t know, he’s fine, I guess?”

Chris snorted at that again - “Fine? Isak? After all those things he said to you? Fucking hell, I don’t stand a chance with you at all, am I?” she shook her head once and Even could feel his cheeks warm up at her words a bit.

“What are you talking about?” he tried to say with a calm voice, but he couldn’t even fool himself.

Chris just gave him a last meaningful glance as she loosened her second tourniquet, as well. And Even knew he wasn't fooling her, he was probably fooling no one, as her eyes screamed this to him without words.

“I’m going to tell them it's time to switch up now, we always switch up pairs in the middle” she told him as she stood to her feet - “It was nice talking with you a bit, Even” she smiled a him as she started to walk backwards towards Isak and Vilde, and Even smiled back to her -

“It was nice talking with you, too”

Even was pulling the tourniquet away entirely as he was now seated alone and waited for Vilde to join him. He didn’t want to drown in Chris’s words too much, didn’t want his crush to be even more obvious and pathetic to Vilde, who seemed to know Isak so well and for so long.

What he didn’t expect was for the strong long legs that were picking in the corner of his eyes, as Isak was standing above him, right before he sat himself right next to Even. Even’s eyes locked with Isak’s, and Isak gave him a soft smile and averted his eyes away quickly, to look at all the medical material which was next to Even’s legs on the ground. But Even couldn’t turn his eyes away from Isak’s face, which was so close to his now, and the laughter he could hear from Vilde and Chris slowly deemed to be a white noise in his ears, and all he could see, ear and sense was Isak and his proximity. It suddenly became everything that mattered.

“Okay, show me what you got” Isak told him with a teasing tone, and he rolled the sleeve of his shirt up, and Even couldn’t believe how much stronger Isak looked from that close, who hot his body was, as his arm muscle flexed and just seemed to spread warmth all over Even’s body even before Even laid a finger on him. Even couldn’t believe he’d get the chance to lay his hands on him.

_Oh god, focus. Fuck._

So Even tore his eyes from Isak’s arm and instead focused on getting the bandage and wrapping it right around the area of Isak’s fake bleeding blow. A task which seemed to be much harder than Even expected it to be, as Isak’s arm was thick and warm and made every sense bud on Even’s skin scream from joy and shoot an electric feel through his arms.

 _Fuck_ , he was gone. So damn gone.

“That’s actually pretty good, Bech Næsheim” Isak told him with appreciation when he was done with the second bandage - “Is it your first time doing it?” he then asked him, as his eyes searched for Even’s, and Even hummed as he looked for the cloth to create his first tourniquet. And this one seems to go pretty smoothly, as well - he creates a loop, just like Isak showed them before, and put it around Isak’s hand, tied and pulled it around as needed before tying the ends together tightly.

And Isak let a hum of appreciation when he was done, as he inspected it by moving his hand around, and measured his own blood pressure.

But this was the easy part, and Even knew it. It was the last part he dreaded, because up until now he didn’t need to focus on Isak’s strong muscular legs, that are the place he’d have to do his last tourniquet on.

And as Even dread those thoughts, the thoughts of fleeting away reached his mind, and he could feel a little bit of sweat cover the back of his neck. But before he could do anything, Isak was already pulling his trousers up his legs to expose his skin there, both to Even’s horror and to his glee, and Even found himself doing nothing but staring and clearly ogling what was slowly showing in front of his eyes.

{Close}

Even was finished. Even was screwed. He tried to swallow once, then for the second time, but nothing seemed to be able to calm down the rapid race of his heart or the blood which stated to rush down to his groin. _Oh fuck._

Even had to touch _his_ skin there, up Isak’s leg, to tie a cloth around Isak’s thigh. And Even wasn’t sure if he reached heaven or hell, if this power to be able to touch Isak’s skin there was a blessing or a curse. Probably both, considering the state in his pants.

“You should start by tying it around my thigh” Isak told him quietly, and his voice seemed to be rough. And it did _not_ mess up with Even’s thoughts even more. No. Not at all. _Fuck_.

So Even did as he was told - he tried to wrap it around Isak’s thigh, but the angle was uncomfortable, and to his horror, his hands seemed to shake a bit. If Isak noticed, however, he didn’t say a word. Instead, Isak pulled his leg up and put it on Even’s thigh, so it was in the air, in an angle that would let Even wrap the material around it without any problem. The only problem was that it defined the muscles in Isak’s legs even more and made Even on the verge of drooling right then and there. _Fucking hell_.

So, Even swallowed loudly as he finally managed to wrap the cloth around Isak’s thigh, and his hand reached for a stick to tie the edges of the cloth to. And Even tried to focus on his movements and on what they were taught, instead of focusing on the wonder that he was performing them on. As he turned the stick around enough, tightening the cloth around Isak’s leg in the process as needed, he secured it around Isak’s thigh again with another cloth, just like Isak showed them.

Then, he inspected the entire thing again from all the sides, just so he’d had another excuse to touch and look without hiding, just so he wouldn’t have to stop.

After a long silence, as he still looked at Isak’s leg, on the muscle right around and behind the tourniquet, he finally trusted his voice again.

“Is it fine?” he asked quietly, surprising even himself in how calm and collected he sounded.

In a return, however, he heard a loud inhale of air, which drew his attention to Isak’s mouth, then right up to his eyes, that Isak held at his own leg. And Isak was so damn beautiful, his cheeks were painted pink and his curls were resting on his forehead and he seemed a bit flustrated as he inspected his own leg carefully, not looking up at Even even once.

“It’s excellent” he finally whispered, and his voice sounded ruined and rough. And Even looked up from his mouth again to Isak’s eyes, that were now staring right back into his, and the space around them seemed to thicken and time seemed to slow down, and all Even could hear was his own heartbeat and all he could feel was the warmth of Isak’s leg on his own leg and his own hardness, which he carefully tried to keep away from Isak’s eyes and skin.

And Even could feel them pull closer to each other, by some magical force. And in that moment, it didn’t matter that he didn't deserve it, because this was all he wanted.

“Vilde!!” he could hear, and Isak jumped up from that and turned around, his leg bumping up and falling from Even’s lap to the ground between the both of them by his movement.

Isak turned back towards him, and looked at the tourniquet on his leg before looking up at Even again as he started to loosen it - “I should probably go over and make sure they got the hang of it” he said as he pulled the stick away and started to pull his trousers down his legs as he was finished loosening up the tourniquet -

“But, great job, you’re free to go, as you’ve got all of them right” Isak said as he jumped to his feet, not even glancing at Even again or waiting for his answer, before he rushed to where Vilde and Chris were seated. As if he didn’t need to calm down from this session, as if he didn’t have a huge problem in his pants now. _Well, He probably doesn’t._

***

{Be With You}

Even could still feel his entire body buzzing after that medical session with Isak, spreading from where his hands were on Isak’s thighs, down to the tip of his toes and up to the tip of his head. He couldn’t shake it, gave up on trying to shake it, and he couldn’t for his life try and sleep with his body feeling like that. At least he wasn’t as hard as a rock anymore.

Eskild seemed to sense something was up, from giving him one look before he was out the shelter’s entrance for his turn of guarding the night -

“Even, sweetheart, mind joining me for a bit outside?” he asked with a curious look, nodding with his head towards the exit of the shelter as he still looked at Even, who was back now to be seated on the floor in the sitting area. Even tried to play it cool, so he shrugged before he was up to his feet, following Eskild into the cold after putting more layers on his body.

“Spill it out, hottie” Eskild whispered to him the moment they were sat together outside, watching their surroundings carefully.

And Even shook his head with a little smile - “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

Eskild clicked his tongue with the roof of his mouth and shook his head - “Oh no, hot stuff, those blue eyes of yours might get you out of stuff all the time, but it’s too dark out here for this to work on me...” Eskild shook his head, and Even snickered, before Eskild added -

“Besides, I’d never do this to my baby gay...” Eskild huffed out a laugh, and Even froze in his place. Because, right. He was pathetic, how could he let himself even forget and let his mind to do all those games with him.

“Well, it has nothing to do with Magnus...” Even finally gave in, biting his lower lip as Eskild shoot him a weird look, and Even continued immediately. He already told Eskild about Isak before they even reached this place, so he better just tell him everything -

“It’s about Isak, we… You knew, didn’t you? When I talked about him before we got here, you knew I was talking about _this_ Isak”

“Well, Even, there are tons of people out there called ‘Isak’ who have similar features, so I couldn’t be certain...”

Eskild stopped momentarily as Even shoot him a disbelieving look, then he shrugged and his hand was brought up to scratch his neck as he continued - “Okay, maybe I thought there’s a _big_ chance you’re talking about _this_ Isak...” he finally admitted, and bitted his lower lip.

“Why didn’t you warn me, then?” Even finally asked, as he finally gave in to the question which his mind tried to push back since he realized Eskild knew about Isak and didn’t tell him.

_Why didn’t you warn me my chances are doomed because he’s straight?_

“Hmm, Even, darling, how could I know he’d react like that to seeing you? I… I wanted the two of you to meet by yourselves, without me preparing you to this, you know? I didn’t expect him to react like that, that’s for sure...”

“No, no, Eskild, that’s not what I’m talking about...” Even growled in frustration, and Eskild arched his eyebrow at him.

“I talk about you not warning me from helplessly pinning for a straight dude!” Even finally let it all out, and Eskild’s hand shoot up to his heart at that and a gasp slipped from his mouth.

“What on earth are you talking about?” He asked Even as his left hand did a huge dramatic gesture in the air, as if Even was talking nonsense - “My baby gay...”

And Even just couldn’t understand what Magnus had to do with any of this again, so he cut him mid sentence - “I’m not into Magnus, Eskild!” he shouted in a whisper, as he looked Eskild in the eyes. Eskild mouth was open back at him and he was frozen for a moment, but then he shook himself out of it and his hands were shot to hold onto Even’s shoulders, apparently to shake some sense into him -

“Listen to me, you hot thing. I can’t on earth understand why you keep bringing Magnus into this, but Isak Valtersen, a.k.a my baby jesus, baby curls, my grumpy godchild, is gay.”

And Eskild was looking straight into his eyes as he talked with him, holding his shoulders so tight that Even could feel it through all his layers.

_Isak is gay?_

Even was swallowing thickly, as silence was stretching between them, before he opened his mouth again -

“So, hm, just to make it clear...”

“Yes?” Eskild didn’t roll his eyes at him, but it was a near thing.

“Magnus is not baby gay?” Even asked, and Eskild shook his head immediately, then smiled before his answered -

“No, of course not, Even!” Eskild said, as if it was the most logical thing in the world.

“But, he hitted on me ever since we arrived?” Even asked, still a bit doubtful.

“Well, I mean, he is into guys, as well as into girls, so I’d say he’s bisexual, as least that was the last thing he claimed he was...” Eskild told him and finally let go of Even’s shoulders, but his eyes were still focused on Even’s face - “I love this guy, but he doesn’t have the special place Isak has in my heart...” Eskild admitted, and he smiled sheepishly at his words, his eyes glanced a bit as he stared in the air next to Even’s head, as if he just remembered a warm memory.

Then Eskild turned back to his face and gave him a soft smile, before starting to watch the exit to the shelter again, as he suddenly seemed to realize that’s why both of them were out there for, freezing their asses off on the freezing ground.

“So, Isak is gay” Even said as he looked at Eskild’s profile, and Eskild rolled his eyes fondly at that.

“Well, duh… Jeez, Even, can’t believe you didn’t realize it right away!” Eskild told him.

“How the heck was I supposed to get this right away?” Even asked with a huff.

“From, perhaps, the way he looks at you???” Eskild huffed right back at him.

“What are you even talking about, Isak fucking hates me!” Even said right back, and bit his lower lip to stop himself from saying more. Because, he didn’t say it out loud up until this point, and saying this somehow made the entire thing even more real.

“Isak hates you? Do you even hear yourself? Yes, I know, my grumpy godchild is acting terrible around you, and at first I couldn’t really understand why, but, god dammit Even, do you really not see how desperate he looks every time you’re somehow near him?”

“Hmmm, no?”

“No?? No?? Even, love, from a first source, as someone who knows Isak Valtersen long enough, who has talked with him about men and knows how this boy acts, he is _smitten_ , head over heels for you!”

Even arched his eyebrow at Eskild from that, and Eskild huffed before he continued -

“Don’t look at me like that! I mean, can you really blame him, have you looked at yourself? And more importantly, I know you are his type, trust me when I say you are just what he’s been looking for. He just, I don’t know what happened in the first day, but believe me - You two have a chance. He’s clearly losing it whenever you talk with other people, any people. This jealous baby.” Eskild shook his head to himself at that, and a short silence stretched between them.

But Even couldn’t understand how any of this could be true, how could Isak be into him and still say all those things for him? What looks did Eskild even talk about?

“I really can’t understand how can you be so damn sure about it...”

“You don’t believe me? Jeez, you two… Just ask whoever you’d like in here, Even, that’s basically the only thing people are talking about ever since you arrived”

_The only thing people are talking about since I arrived?_

“What exactly?” Even asked

“When will the two of you are going to bang, of course! Do keep up, please.” Eskild winked, and Even felt with cheeks flame up at his words, to his horror.

_Did someone know I woke up from an almost wet dream about him?_

But before Even could even delve in this though, Eskild continued, and his eyes were darting up and to the side - “Well, maybe besides of Magnus that still hopes you and him could have a chance, but let’s be serious towards it for a moment - You denied _this_ ” - Eskild pointed towards his own body as he said it - “and you’re pining for my baby gay, and he’s pining for you! All Isak’s got to do is to get his pretty face right out of his stubborn ass, realize that he’s a jerk and apologize. It’s either this or the entire shelter will be on fire!”

“On fire?”

“From the sexual tension between the two of you” Eskild explained with a wiggle of his eyebrows and Even snorted from this.

_Unbelievable._

“I don’t know...” Even admitted

“I’m sure” Eskild insisted, the smile in his voice audible - “I know Isak might seem like this tough, strong, series guy, and he is all those things, but… He also have a soft side. I...”

Eskild stopped for a minute, as if he was debating whether or not to continue what he was about to say -

“I’m going to tell you this only because he’s giving you such a hard time, sweetheart, so you’ll understand why I’m so certain about the two of you, okay?” Eskild gave him a serious look, and Even nodded once, understanding Eskild was opening up to him with difficulty.  

“I won’t tell you why or how it happened, because it’s really not my place to go around and tell this stuff, it’s something Isak needs to tell you when he feels ready, but… Do you remember the friend I told you about? The one who saw that love graffiti, which affected him so much?”

“Yeah, I remember...” As if Even could ever forget anything which was related to that damned graffiti, which seemed to haunt his every move.

”Well… This friend, from all the people I know, was Isak. Grumpy Isak, who has always claimed, and still do, that he is above such things as love, but acts with some much love towards the people he cares about. This Isak let a graffiti about love, from all stuff, change his life.”

Even was sure Eskild was trying to make him feel better about the whole thing about Isak, but - Knowing this, only raised more questions in his mind -

“How?”

“You’ll have to talk with him to know how, sweetheart. And it won’t be easy, Even. Isak isn’t open with his heart, he won’t let anyone get into his heart and have a place there, even if he finds you attractive and would like to be with you, somewhere deep inside. He puts all those walls around him so he won’t get hurt, so he’d be strong for all of us, but he doesn’t understand that he doesn’t need to be this strong and tough guy all the time, that everyone in here have his back, that he can be vulnerable as well.”

Eskild breathed deeply before he continued -

“If you really want to be with Isak, it won’t be easy to get him to open up, but trust me - The journey to his heart, to his soul - It worths it.”

And Even wasn;t afraid from fighting for a place in Isak’s heart, but he knew this was a lost case. It had to be a lost case.

“He won’t trust me, Eskild, I’ve already ruined it...” Even said, and he was shaking his head desperately as he was looking at his own hands.

“Why?”

“Because, I think I know why he acts this way towards me...”

Eskild just looked at him as Even swallowed the thickness in his throat before he continued - “Because I’m the reason he hurt his neck, I was the one the forces were after that day and he jumped into the trap they set up to me” Even blurted out, and he could hear Eskild stopped breathing for a moment next to him, before his hand landed on Even’s shoulder reassuringly -

“Sweetheart, the boys were in a mission to detect the forces that time, so it’s really isn’t your fault… It’s not the first time Isak gets into a fight and comes back hurt and grumpy about it”

“But...”

“Huh huh, Even, it wasn’t your fault! It could actually be such a sweet story, if Isak didn’t get hurt from it, it’s such a damsel in despair, rescued by a prince charming situation!”

And Even blushed at Eskild calling Isak like that.

_He **is** my prince charming._

“Don’t torture yourself with that, sweetheart, I’m sure that’s not the deal with it. I just need to find a room for the two of you, so you could sort stuff between yourselves...”

“Eskild!” Their heads were shot to the side as they had heard Isak’s shout, as he reached closer to where they were seated on the ground -

“I’m coming out, to see that everything is fine in here, only to see you not even watching the exit?” Isak started to scold as he was getting closer, but he stopped in his tracks as he realized Even was seated next to Eskild on the ground.

Isak was staring right into Even’s eyes, his mouth was opened agap and he seemed to blink slower. Or was i time? Was time going slower? Why did time seem to go slower whenever Isak was around? With his soft curls, that peeked from under his beanie, and his soft scuff and his cute…

“Baby gay! Hello? I’m right here?” Eskild was breaking this moment, whatever it was, between them, and Isak was breaking the eye contact between them, as he was rolling his eyes dramatically at Eskild.

“Ugh, Eskild...” He huffed, and his hands came to join in front of his chest.

Even’s eyes didn’t seem to be able to leave Isak’s face, though, as he was making up his mind after his talk with Eskild.

And Isak was now looking back at him, his eyebrows were shooting up as Even didn’t turn his eyes away, and instead let a small shy smile slip onto his face.

“Hey” he softly told Isak, who rapidly  blinked at him as an answer before coughing once, then said ‘hey’ in return.

They continued to stare into eachothers eyes, Even with propounded confidence and Isak with something which seemed to be a bit of shyness, until Eskild cut into their little bubble again -

“Jeez!” He said, before he started to stand to his feet - “Did you come out here just to _look at the view_ or are you here to replace me, baby gay?” Eskild joked, and he pulled Isak into a hug, which Isak gave back softly, although he seemed to be stunned and a bit frozen in his place still.

“Even, love, do you come in with me or will you stay here to keep Isak warm?” Eskild wiggled his eyebrows at Isak, as Isak shoved him softly away, before he was shaking his head.

“What the fuck, Eskild?” Isak told him, then he was taking Eskild’s place on the ground.

“You should probably go back to the shelter, Bech Næsheim” he huffed at Even, and it was Even’s moment to decide. He knew he only had two option - He was whether going to start with this now or he never would. So Even took a deep breath, before he finally made his choice.

{I’m Gonna Get You}

“So I won’t distract you from doing your job, Isak?” Even teased as he shoot to his feet, and Isak seemed to choke on air in return.

“Hmmm, what?” Isak asked him, and Eskild gave Even a look of appreciation at that, so Even decided to stretch this even further. He looked back to where Isak was now seated on the ground, right into Isak’s eyes as he told him -

“Don’t worry, if not tonight, we can give it a try another time…” he smirked and winked as Isak’s mouth opened a bit, before it closed again and Even could see him swallowing hard.

“Goodnight, Isak” Even shot him as he joined Eskild, who was now standing a bit further. He looked as if he was about to kiss Even from joy or something like that.

“Oh. My. God! What got into you?” Eskild asked, and Even couldn’t help but shoot a look back to Isak as they walked away, and was pleased to find he was looking right at Even, his eyes were burning into Even’s now, as he and Eskild went back into the shelter.

“Well, I decided to listen to your advice, I’m going after him.” Even told him with certainty, and Eskild squeaked , which made Even tear his eyes away from Isak to look at Eskild’s joyful face instead.

“Oh, we definitely need to find the two of you a room, then!” Eskild jumped in his place, and wrapped his hand around Even’s shoulder as he continued - “But not to talk, oh no. With you acting like that, with that tension between you two, there’s no way you guys will be able to talk when we'll get you two into a room, jeez!” Eskild squeaked again, and if Even had to be honest with himself, he felt a bit like squeaking himself.

Because he finally made up his mind, because things didn’t seem that deem anymore, now that he had got some more explanations.

_I’m gonna get you, baby. I’m going to flirt with you like there’s no tomorrow._

_So get ready for it, because I’m going to fight for a place in your heart, Isak Valtersen._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings: Self hate  
> *  
> In this chapter, Even gets to talk with a lot of people. He gets to know a lot about the past, about events he was part of and of others that he wasn't involved in. We'd dive to all of those things even further in the future :)  
> We get to see a little bit how the life in this shelter are like, what are the dynamics, through Even's eyes - What do yall think about Magnus's crush? About Noora's past? About Sana being both a soft supporting friend and a serious badass woman? About the connection between Isak and Vilde? About Chris's spoon? (*Awkward winking myself at your ways*) We also get to see Isak acting in a very weird way towards Even, giving him both hot and cold signals - Do you guys have any theories why?  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the fourth chapter](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/7hK7QfIEybDNofMUBXKT2J)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first part](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/08IGRietc2c1HCfjgx79kW)  
> *  
> My life is so damn busy atm, as I both work and try to finish two B.s.c. diplomas in the same time in uni, so I can't commit to am uploading schedule. I'd like to say that I assume I'll upload monthly, as each part I upload is self beta'd and reread and rewritten many times, but I can't give any promises. I do know I won't leave this story unfinished, as the whole fic is just waiting in my mind to be written and shared and the playlist for the whole fic (which is a huge part of this fic, and that's why I leave the name of the songs where they belong in it, I can't even stress how important and thought through the songs are) is already planned (and consists more than 200 songs. fucking hell).  
> *  
> Last but definitely not least, I'd like to thank any of you out there, who still read this fic, and especially those of you who bookmark this, subscribe to it, and/or leave kudos and/or comments - I see you, I love you, I love you so so much! I'm so sorry for keeping you guys hanging and I hope the waiting is worth it, as I try my bests to make the waiting worth it! <3 Just know that all this attention to this fic, each kind of love you guys give me, is what keeps me going, even though my life is crazy busy atm, and I'll be forever thankful for yall for lighting up my days like that with your love <333


	5. Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even realised he was fighting for a door into Isak's heart, not even for a place in there yet. And it was fine, even understandable. Eskild had told him that it would be hard, that it would be tough, but Even could already see it was worth it. It was so worth it solely from Isak's actions today.  
> *  
> In which Even fights for a place in Isak's heart.  
> Featuring - Fighting, comfort, FLUFF, some cheesy pick up lines and banter, touches, some interesting conversations and lots of water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves! Here's a new chapter for yall lovely people <33  
> *  
> It's just important for me to mention there is now a Tumblr blog for this fic - More about it, in the end notes of this chapter :)  
> *  
> Triggers Warnings, are as always, in the end notes! <3 However, it's important to mention, most of the chapter is FLUFF:) If you feel like something else should be mentioned as a trigger while reading, please let me know! xxx <3  
> *  
> So, This is the 5th chapter of the 1st part out of 3 planned parts (We're still in the 1st part, omg). The Spotify playlist is already updated [and linked, again, in the end notes] :)  
> (Again, I left the names of the songs in their fitted scenes in {} in the beginning of each corresponding scene - So you can listen before/while/after reading if you'd like! <3)  
> (I should probably stop with this little recurring speech ^^")  
> *  
> I really hope you'll enjoy reading, at least as much as I enjoyed writing this little (20k words) chapter! xx

**Chapter 5 – Water**

{Hanging High}

If Even had thought that getting a room in Isak’s heart was going to be an easy task, he fooled himself. Well, Even might had been a bit too hopeful after his talk with Eskild, because even though there was nothing he wanted more than to get this thing on with Isak, Isak wouldn’t give him a chance - Even barely had any interaction with him ever since that try to flirt with me. Isak would walk the other way when he saw Even from afar, he would sit on different sections than him when they were having meals and he would pick Even activities that didn’t involve the two of them together. And, Even could had be sad and hurt, but he now understood - Isak didn’t trust him, and a little pick up line didn’t change it, it might had done even the opposite, as Even hadn’t really tried to flirt with him prior to it.

Eskild was giving him encouraging looks every once in a while, but Isak would not give him any chance to even interact with him, and Even felt hopeless, especially because he always could feel Isak’s eyes on him, when his weren’t plastered to Isak, because Even could feel his looks and he still felt this pull, this desire to be near Isak, plaster himself to Isak’s skin and never let go, and it scared him to feel that attracted to a person he didn’t get a chance to bond with, to someone he’d got the opportunity to do nothing but ogle from afar.

And. although it was nothing like him, for that moment he let the life in the shelter roll on their own, waiting for an opportunity to come.

So Even found himself clinging to Magnus, who continued to flirt with him around the clock, he found himself spending hours with Noora, talking about food. He found himself gaining his medical knowledge from Sana and he had a few late afternoon talks with Linn in the sitting area. And although he liked all of them, liked spending time with all those people and got to know them better, Even felt as if he was on the edge. Because he didn’t really wanted to wait for an opportunity.

Because, fucking hell, he felt as if he was going to explode.

“Oh, man, you never sleep, do you?” Mahdi growled, after Even turned for the one thousand time that night on the ground. Because, this night as well, all his mind could think about was Isak, who was attracted to guys, who according to Eskild might be attracted to him, but didn’t give him any chance to start any move. Even’s entire body was buzzing with both desire and frustration, and sleep didn’t come to him easily because of that.

“Sorry” is all Even gave back, though, and Mahdi sat in return. He rubbed at his eyes, then gave Even a look, before he rose to his feet and held out a hand for Even to take. And Even didn’t really know what to do with it, why Mahdi was expecting him to stand up as well, but Mahdi raised his eyebrows at him and Even took his hand and let him pull him to his feet, as well.

A few minutes later, Even found himself seated in front of Mahdi on the sitting area, as the both of them were staring silently at nothing but the air, before Mahdi finally opened his mouth -

“Couldn’t sleep, with you moving around that much, so I figured out we better just talk or something, if we’re both are kept awake anyways” Mahdi told him seriously, and Even nodded once then shrugged.

“Fuck, sorry, again…” Even started to apologise, again, but Mahdi cut him off -

“No, it’s chill, bro...Just… Did you always have troubles sleeping?” Mahdi asked while his eyes were roaming Even’s face with intensity.

Even shrugged, as if it was nothing, as if the words ‘lack of sleep’ weren’t associated with ‘lack of Isak’ in his mind those days - “Yeah, sometimes”

“I know Magnus tried to find something for you to sleep on, but he told me he found nothing…” Mahdi then shook his head, before he continued -

”Well, Isak, he sleeps on two pillows, but he needs this to his neck, and considering how the two of you get along…” Mahdi shrugged, and Even hated the way his heart squeezed just from hearing Isak’s name. He also found his heart beating faster right after that, and the way Mahdi seemed to analyze his reactions made him to doubt the cool facade he tried to put on really worked. Also, well, in Even’s mind, Isak deserved all the pillows in the world, even if he didn’t want to talk with him.

“Yeah, I get it” Even answered finally with a shrug, and he tried, again, to put an indifference facade on, but he doubted it really worked out that well.

Though, if Mahdi wasn’t fooled, he didn’t say anything. Well, Even didn’t really get anything from him, as the man had an unreadable face.

Then, however, Mahdi pulled his lips in, and after a short silence added -

“But, you know, I’m sure the stuff between you two will work out”

And Even wasn’t sure about it, although Eskild insisted on this, as well. He knew he would fight for a place in Isak’s heart, he told himself he would, because Isak was worth it. Even just knew he was worth it. But, right now, things just seemed hopeless.

“Yeah” Even simply agreed, then Mahdi took a little sharp inhale, and added quietly -

“Isak just… He needs a push, sometimes. He’d probably deny it, but I think everyone knows he does some stuff because he thinks people expect him to be strong all the time...”

And Mahdi stopped himself, as if he regretted saying anything at all, or didn’t know if he should even continue.

“He is strong, though” Even whispered back sincerely and softly, maybe a bit too certainly for a conversation which was aimed to be casual.

“No doubt about it, man, it’s just…” Mahdi sighed, and looked around before looking at Even’s face again -

“I think you should join us, tomorrow morning” he finally said, and there was a masked desperation in his eyes, which Even couldn’t quite name.

“What for?” Even asked.

“We have once in a while a fighting workout, the boys. We fight each other to stay strong and focused... I think it will be chill, you joining us” Mahdi said with a shrug, but Even could see in his eyes that he also knew the conversation wasn’t as chill as the both of them tried to present it.

“Well, fighting is not really my thing…” Even started to say, but he was soon cut by Mahdi again -

“Listen, Even… Me inviting you to this, it’s not something you should pass on.” - his eyes were burning into Even’s and his whole face was serious as he held Even’s eyes with a fierce look on his face -  “Trust me.”

And Even understood that was the opportunity he had been waiting for, that this was Mahdi’s way to include him with the boys, to make him a more permanent part of their little group. He also understood it was, in one way or another, his way to get closer to Isak, to maybe even finally talk with him, face him without giving Isak a way out.

Even wasn’t sure why Mahdi wanted to help him, why he handed him this key to Isak’s company. Him and Isak not getting along didn’t affect the life in the shelter, at least not seemingly. Well, it affected Even’s being, but it surely didn’t affect anything and anybody other than that, right?

The only problem Even had with Mahdi’s plan, however, was the fighting - Even didn’t fight. Sure, he remembered the self-defense tricks the boys teached him, back then, before he ran away from them… But Even didn’t fight, didn’t want to know how to harm others. Even was a man of peace, he didn’t want to have the power to hurt other beings.

“I’ll think about it” He finally said, and he could see Mahdi’s lips were slightly bent downwards from his reaction, and his eyebrows were slightly lifting. But he answered nothing in return.

**

“Good morning!” Magnus practically shouted, startling Even into sitting and making Mahdi growl on his place on the ground.

“Magnus, dude, let me rest, man!” Mahdi said as he turned to the other way around, turning his back to both Even, who rubbed his eyes with tiredness and frustration, and Magnus who beamed, then sat himself of the ground right next to Even.

“Not my fault you and Even bonded till the little hours of the night! Without even thinking to invite me to join! Which hurts, by the way…” Magnus shouted at Mahdi’s back and pouted on the last words, turning his face to Even’s still sleepy one. Even shook his head with a fond and little smile, then wrapped his hand around Magnus’s shoulders to give him a hug, which Magnus seemed more than happy to lean into.

“I’m bound to talk with the other people living here, Magnus...” Even teased, and Magnus was about to answer, but Mahdi stopped their little banter with a huff -

“Well, I was making sure Even will join our workout today…” he started to say, as he was now laying on his side and looking at Even ad Magnus, and Magnus’s face tore into a huge smile -

“Fuck, you join us, Even?“ he nearly jumped in his place, and his eyes, which were laced with hope, shoot up to Even’s face.

And Even debated this option some more since last night, he had been turning it back and forth in his mind while he still couldn’t sleep, after his talk with Mahdi. Even was tempted, but he didn’t want to fight, even if it was just for practice. For sure there would be other chances, right?

“Well, actually…” he started to say, but Magnus was still hypping -  

“Fucking hell, that’s so cool!” he said as the smile on his face grew impossibly wider, and before Even could add another word, Mahdi added with a grin -

“Yeah, Even decided to join us”

_Fucking Mahdi._

Magnus was now actually squeaking, and Even bit the inside of his cheek as Mahdi gave him a meaningful look, every little ounce of him screaming at Even ‘don’t mess this up’.

“Do you have some t shirts, Even? You might need one, workouts can get pretty tense…” Magnus said, now seated on his knees, his entire posture was looking as if he was about to jump to his feet.

“Well, I don’t think I have any t shirts, hm…”

_Here’s my way to get out_

“I can give you one of mines!” Magnus offered, way too eagerly, and Even grimaced a bit. Because he was flattered, from Magnus’s attention, had been ever since he arrived. And Even knew borrowing a t shirt shouldn’t mean anything. But he knew what it would mean to Magnus, and he didn’t want to give him any hopes if he could.

“Oh, don’t worry, Magnus, I’ve already got him covered…” Mahdi said, to Even’s huge relief, and Magnus’s head shoot from Even’s face to Mahdi’s, probably to protest, but Mahdi was already going up to his feet -

“It’s chill” he added, before he started to go away, out of the sleeping area.

“Don’t worry, Mags” Even said, as he stood to his feet, as well, and stretched his sore limbs once he was on his feet - “When do you guys normally start?”

“Hmm, around ten, mostly” Magnus said, then bit his lower lip, as he was still seated on the floor.

“Cool” Even told him back, with a little smirk, that Magnus finally returned, as he stood on his feet as well.

*

“Here’s, I took one of Isak’s, as he’s one of the only other dudes in here in a similar height” Mahdi told him as he threw a white t shirt at Even a few minutes later, when Even was alone in the sleeping area, searching for another pair of sweatpants in his backpack.

“Thanks” Even said back, and Mahdi smirked at him knowingly when Even’s eyes met his, before he walked away.

_Well.. Maybe joining wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all_

Even changed quickly to the workout clothes a few minutes later, and he couldn’t help but inhale the scent of Isak’s t shirt before he put it on.

Doing this and joining this workout? Well, both were desperate moves, but, well... Even was desperate.

**

Joining the boys was the fucking best idea ever. Yes, definitely the best idea. Because Isak was wearing shorts, and one might call Even pathetic or a creep, because all Even could concentrate on since they gathered together at ten and up until this moment was Isak’s long muscular legs, which were exposed in front of his eyes. While he tried, and probably failed, not to drool visibly. Because his mouth was watering, literally and absolutely watering, and he couldn’t even care if Isak was glaring at him back, for being there or for eating him up with his eyes, and he couldn’t care that the boys probably noticed his desperate ogling. He couldn’t even care that Isak was wearing a black long shirt, which covered his entire upper body fully, because… Those legs. Those fucking legs. _Fuck_.

And someone was talking, as they were standing together, all the six of them, but Even wasn't paying attention, and he didn’t even pretend he was trying to. Then, they were divided into pairs, and he had no other choice but to tear his eyes away from Isak’s exposed skin to Eskild’s face, which was glowing from a smirk, accompanied with raised eyebrows. He seemed way too smug, and he was about to open his mouth, but Even just shrugged, while he was pretending that his cheeks weren’t warm and probably pinkish.

And Even really tried to keep his eyes on Eskild, who was starting to act some moves on him, but it was as if his eyes weren’t connected to his brain, as they were drifting right back to Isak every once in a while.

He huffed as Eskild managed to back him down to the ground again, only to sit himself right next to Even on the floor and shake his head at Even in pretend disapprovement.

“What?” Even asked him with raised eyebrows, pretending he had no idea what was the meaning behind Eskild’s amusement, and Eskild only giggled, then shook his head again -

“Oh, nothing, sweetheart, just… Remember to keep your eyes towards whoever you actually need to fight…” Eskild scolded him playfully, before he leaned towards his ear -

“And, don’t worry, we’ll soon switch pairs” he winked at him before he rose to his feet and grabbed Even’s hand to pull him to standing as well, while saying ‘let’s give this another try, hottie’. And Even couldn’t stop himself from giving another logging look towards Isak, who was bickering Jonas with a huge grin on his face on the other side of the room, before unwillingly turning his eyes towards Eskild’s face.

*

They indeed switched pairs, constantly, but Even wasn’t getting any closer to Isak, which only made his eyes wander towards the man more and more frequently - Whether it was because he heard Isak’s groans, shouts or laugher from the other side of the room, or because he just found himself drawn to him, without having any control to resist himself.

He already tried to bicker with both Jonas and Mahdi as well, and when both of them gave him knowing looks, Jonas with pure amusement all over his features and Mahdi with raised eyebrows and a bit more contained amusement, Even could do nothing but ignore their reactions.

Because Even was aware that this was supposed to be a way to improve his nonexistent fighting skills, or something like that, but if he had to be honest with himself, he was getting out of this workout nothing but hunger, and not for food. Hunger, and lots of dirt on his clothes, as he found himself time after time on the ground because he just couldn’t pay attention to anybody but Isak, who seemed to ignore his looks or not notice them at all.

And Even registered that the whole ordeal was probably getting out of hand, but could anybody really blame him? Especially when Isak was showing so much skin after eschewing him all this time.

“Dude, just go right to him right after the two of us are finished” Mahdi told him, after he pinned Even to the floor for the third time. Or was it the fourth? Even wasn’t really paying attention.

And Even was nodding back at him, absently, as his eyes wandered back to Isak, who, for Even’s huge surprise, was just averting his eyes away. And Even could feel his breathing halt, and his heart was feeling a bit warmer and he could feel a warmth, which wasn’t from the effort of the workout, spreading on his cheeks.

“For real, dude, the both of you are just out of this today, it’s getting helpless” Mahdi shook his head, and Even shoot his eyebrows up at him in confusion, before Mahdi was pushing him towards Isak’s general direction.

And before Even could even register what was happening, or do something like making himself a bit more presentable, as he knew his hair was a mess, his face was red, his breathing was way too loud and quick and his clothes were full of dirt that he didn’t manage to brush off yet, he found himself in front of the man of his dreams.

{Skin}

And, _fuck_ , Isak was a wonder to observe from this close - His curls were messy, his cheeks were painted pink and his muscles looked pumped and more defined then Even managed to see them before. And Even’s mind couldn’t help but wonder if that was how Isak looked after other physical activities, other than this workout… However, this thought was quickly pushed away, as Even’s mind managed to inform him that he had to fight _this_ , and he didn’t even learn anything from the hour or so he just went through, because he was too busy ogling Isak from afar.

He was going to make a fool of himself, right in front of the man who was avoiding him for days, but Even couldn’t bring himself to care when he knew that this time around, not only he would get the chance to set his hands on Isak’s skin again, but Isak was about to set his hands on his. The thought alone made a shiver run down Even’s spine.

Isak was raising his eyebrows at him, silently asking him if he was ready, and Even knew he would never be ready for any of this - the fighting, or Isak laying his hands on him. But Even was way past desperate and turned on, and he knew that he was a lost case - He would take anything Isak would give him, even if it only meant heated touches, and not the good kind of heated.

So Even nodded once, and tried to get himself into a comfortable starting position, a defensive one Mikael once showed him.

Isak was lounging over, and Even was surprised to find himself defending himself from Isak’s insistent blows somewhat successfully. He felt as if they were floating in their own universe, dancing around each other in a song only the two of them could hear. And sooner than later, Isak’s hands were curling in the material of the t shirt on Even’s skin, and he pulled Even closer, as he tried to get a hold on Even’s arms. And Even found himself giving up, his skin buzzed as Isak’s warm hands got a hold of his right arm and the other found a home on Even’s waist as he pulled Even’s chest against his own. And in some place in Even’s mind, he knew that Isak was only pulling him closer as a part of their workout, that he should probably back away when he still was able to, but his body was aching to be feel Isak against his own skin and sweat was lacing his forehead from excitement.

And for one moment, time stopped as Isak’s eyes met his, and Even could see nothing but desire in them, as Isak’s pupils were dilated to a point where the green was missing, and he could feel the warmth which was spreading from between Isak’s lips on his own lips, caressing them.

And for that moment, time was frozen like that. And it wouldn’t take a lot, to close the distance between them and crush their lips together, to add a dance of tongues and teeth to the dance of their bodies. And Even was tempted, more than he had ever been, but before he could do anything else, he felt his leg being pulled abruptly, and he was falling backwards, and Isak’s arms were both pushing him with force backwards and making sure his fall would be smooth, and before Even knew it, his back was on the ground and Isak was keeping him there with the weight of his own body. And one of Even’s legs were bent up awkwardly as Isak moved his hands to catch Even’s wrists and pull them up above his head, to hold them down to the ground as Isak’s face was towering above Even’s.

And both of them were breathing heavily, huffing air in and out their mouths, which were still so close yet so far away. And Even tried to swallow once, twice, then finally succeed in his third time, while Isak seemed to try to sober up as well. And Even could stay like this forever, held down by Isak’s strong and warm body on the dirty ground, and it seemed as if Isak wasn’t as opposed to the idea as well, as he was still towering above Even, their bodies plastered together.

As Isak started to move a bit, a loud moan left Even’s mouth and Isak’s eyes widened in return. And Even would be embarrassed, he truly would be otherwise, if the moan wasn’t from extensive pain in his leg from Isak’s movement. And Isak seemed to understand that was the case a bit too late, if the color of his cheeks was any indication, as Even’s leg started to shake from the pain, and Isak bolted away quickly and carefully, his hands quickly left Even’s wrists to inspect his bent in the air leg.

“Fuck...” Even blurted as he tried to hold onto his aching left leg with his hands, only for them to be swatted away by Isak’s.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry...” Isak said, as he started to carefully observe Even’s skin.

“Dude, what the fuck? I’m the only one who didn’t get to fight Even and you hurt him, what the heck?” Magnus cried out, and that was the moment when Even realized all the boys were towering above the both of them.

“Dude!” Mahdi growled back at Magnus as he was rolling his eyes.

Jonas was shaking his head as well, as his hand rose to his forehead, and Eskild crouched on the floor next to Isak, and put a calming hand on Even’s shoulder as he looked at Isak’s face -

“I’m going to bring you your medical kit, baby gay”

**

That’s how Even found both himself and Isak in the sleeping area alone, as this was the only room which was abounded this time of the day. And, fuck, Even was almost happy that he got hurt, if it didn’t actually hurt that much.

Because Isak drew his sweatpants up his leg, and the tips of his fingers caressed Even’s skin from the movement, and a whole different kind of current went through his muscles.  

Now, however, Isak was fumbling with his medical kit, as he was sitting right next to Even. His golden locks were bouncing with his movements and his face was so close to Even’s body that Even was aching to bring his hand up to Isak’s forehead to brush his hair away.

“Sorry for hurting you, fuck, I swear I wasn’t doing it on purpose...” Isak rambled as he was still looking inside his medical kit for some stuff Even had no idea about.

“Relax, it’s fine, really” Even shrugged in return, and the sides of his mouth were lifting on their own accord in amusement.

_You are so cute._

“And sorry for making your shirt so damn dirty…” Isak continued, his hands were still moving inside the kit, as his eyes were roaming in it. It was endearing, how apologetic he was and how he seemed to ramble and his hands seemed to go anywhere in the process. _Cute, cute, cute._

“Oh, it’s chill, it’s not mine anyways” Even shrugged again as a smirk coloured his face, and with that Isak’s eyes shoot up to his face in confusion. Then, there seemed to be a crease in between his eyebrows, and his mouth opened a bit.

“Oh? Did Magnus…?” Isak started to ask, only to shut his mouth and swallow loudly as Even shook his head immediately.

“No, it’s yours, actually” Even answered, and he could see Isak’s jaw was dropping at that, and a soft pink color started to creep onto his cheeks.

“Huh? What the fuck…?” Isak shtuttered, and Even just shrugged again and started to answer -

“Mahdi…”

“Fucking Mahdi...” Isak shook his head as he cut him, and moved his eyes back to the interior of his medical kit, not before shooting an impressive eye roll while saying Mahdi’s name.

“Yeah...” Even continued, as he watched Isak’s face again from this angle. His cheeks were still lacing this warm shade of pink, and Even couldn’t stop smiling - “Well, I thought he asked you…”

“He fucking didn’t” Isak cut him off again, as he pulled out a sterile bandage from his kit and placed it on the kit itself before his hands shoot to his backpack.

“Well, I’m actually glad he didn’t” Even said, with a serious face and tone, but Isak didn’t seem to catch up on that, as his eyes were now concentrating on the interior of his backpack.

“Why?” he asked him incidentally, not giving the conversation much of an attention.

_Because it smells just like you._

“Pretty sure you wouldn’t let me wear it, otherwise...” Even told him instead, because he didn’t aim to sound even more creepy - ”and this would be a shame…” Even added with a smirk, and Isak’s eyes shoot right back to his face, as his cheekbones warmed up even further from Even’s words.

“Well, if you like it so much, you can keep it” Isak said by the end, looking at him from under his eyelashes yet challenging all the same.

“Of course you’d say it, now that it’s full of dirt” Even answered, and Isak barked a laugh out at that, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Your words, not mine…” he managed to say between huffs of laughter, while shrugging, as he was still shaking his head.

“Why? Any other reasons you’ll let me keep wearing your clothes?” Even teased him right back, and Isak’s eyebrow raised up at that, then his mouth was curling into a teasing smirk, as well.

“Well, it suits you” he told him as he was tilting his head upwards a bit, and Even could feel his cheeks were turning a bit pink at the compliment and a fast shiver passed down his spine.

“The shirt?” he whispered back in disbelief.

“No, the dirt” Isak snickered as his smirk turned into a fully teasing smile, then to a soft giggle, and Even found himself laughing as well.

“Ouch!” He said in mock offence, as his right hand rose to his heart - “See? I knew that’s the deal!” he said, and all Isak did in return was to shrug as he bit his lower lip, and his hands were back again in his backpack.

*

“So… I’m waiting” Even said, as Isak was inspecting his leg, to determine what the problem was.

“Huh?” Isak asked, as he turned once again towards his medical kit to pull out some kind of an oil, and he placed it on the ground right next to his legs.

“Won’t you kiss it?” Even asked, with a raise of his eyebrows, and Isak’s movements halted at his question, and his mouth opened a gap.

“Hm, what…?” Isak stuttered, and Even could feel one of Isak’s hands was laying on his left leg, which was now placed on Isak’s lap. And Even pretended it wasn’t doing things to his body, that this movement didn’t made a flock of butterflies to fly all around his stomach.

“My leg” Even clarified, and his answer made a crease to form between Isak’s eyebrows.

“Why would I kiss your damn leg, Bech Næsheim?” Isak stuttered, and Even smiled softly at his confused face and his sudden panicked retreat.

“To make it better, Isak…” He explained to him patiently, an amused tingle in his eyes.

“Doctor Valtersen for you” Isak told him in return, and Even snorted, before his hand was once again raising to his heart, and he answered with mock offense -

“Ouch, first you attack me and hurt me severely, then you call me dirt and now you…”

“We were practicing how to fight, that was the entire deal of us...” Isak started to cut him off hurriedly, only to be cut off right back -

“How would you treat my heart now, huh, Isak? How would you kiss my heart better?” Even asked, as he leaned a bit closer to Isak’s body, and his eyes were darting to Isak’s lips. They were parted a bit, and they seemed to be a little shiny, probably from the number of times Isak licked them ever since they reached the sleeping area.

_You’re so sweet. Can you really blame me, for wanting your lips all over me?_

“Ugh, I’m not kissing you Even!” Isak told him, while his hands were flying everywhere around him in frustration and his cheeks were turning pinkier with every word, but all Even could do in return at first was smiling teasingly at him.

_`Even`. You finally said my name._

Even wasn’t supposed to feel this excited and thrilled from this short word, from Isak finally calling him by his first name, and not only by his last one. But, Even couldn’t help himself, from feeling warm and full from this little word, when it was coming from between Isak’s lips. Because Even had been waiting, he had been waiting for them to talk more, to get this kind of privilege to hear his name slipping out of Isak’s lips.

“I knew it!” Even finally answered excitedly, as the warmth in his heart settles over his body, and Isak’s eyes were right back to his, the confused expression back on his face -

“Hmmm…?”

“I knew you’d call me `Even` someday soon!” Even told him, with a widening smirk, and Isak’s cheeks seemed to become even warmer from his gesture, and his tongue was, once again, out to lick his lower lip, and Even found himself mirroring the gesture immediately.

“Ugh, we’re gonna stick to last names from now on” Isak told him in return after a short silence, and accompanied his answer with a short eye roll, but Even wasn’t fooled. Because Eskild had to be right, as Isak was blushing and licking his lips and his hands were back on Even’s leg, which was still on his lap, just to lay on them softly. And Even wanted. Even _ached_.

“But it was going on so well!” Even pouted, and Isak’s eyebrows were back up his forehead.

“What?” he confusingly snapped.

“That thing between the two of us!” Even said, as he was licking his own lower lip and feeling his heart beating faster as Isak’s dilated pupils darted down to look at them, for his tongue to mirror the action right back.

“There’s nothing between the two of us” Isak said, and Even could hear he wasn’t believing it himself. Every fiber of Isak body screamed with want, as it was mirroring Even’s needs, and Even could feel the both of them darting closer a bit, pulled towards each other on their own accord, as if it was the only way both their bodies could ever do - Pull closer.

“Right into my heart again, dammit… I thought you’re supposed to make me feel better” Even teased, but he could hear nothing but softness and tenderness slipping between his lips.

“I’m trying to, but you just won’t...” Isak huffed.

“By stomping on my feelings?” Even teased, and he was aiming to sound playful, but even a bird up in the sky wouldn’t be fooled from how gone he was, what an emotional mess he was right in front of this man.

“Ugh, don’t make me shut you up until I’m finished with your leg” Isak said, as one of his hands was reaching for the bottle he placed on the ground.

“Oh, so you like it kinky?” Even’s eyebrows shot up at him, and he could hear Isak gagging on nothing but air in return.

“Oh my god, Even, why are you like that?” He coughed, as his hand opened the bottle.

“Just got you again” Even smirked.

“What now?” Isak huffed, and his face was nothing but fully red in this point.

“I like to hear you say my name” Even said it softly, and Isak’s eyes blinked rapidly at that, before he took a hold on himself -

“Turn around, lie on your stomach” he ordered him, not before pulling his own pillow, as they were sitting next to his spot in the room,  for Even to place his head on.

Even raised his eyebrows suggestively, and started to carefully turn around to his stomach, not before he got a glimpse of Isak rolling his eyes in return to his reaction, while a soft little smile laced his lips.  

*

Apparently, Even just pulled his calf muscle, which was both good news, as he wasn’t badly injured, and bad news, because he felt as if he reacted like a baby towards it. But, well, there was no turning back after this, and Even couldn’t really complain, as the first and main treatment to his muscle was a little massage that Isak did to his left leg, as it was firmly placed on Isak’s lap while Even’s head was buried in the scent of Isak’s pillow, which he tried really hard not to inhale loudly.

Isak’s hands were like wonders, as they were first traveling up and down his hurt calf, slowly but surely increasing the pressure on his muscle. And Even was trying not to move too much, as Isak started to scoop his muscle and the pressure increased a bit more.  But it was a hard task, as Isak’s hands were silk from the oil he poured on Even’s hurt calf, and his erection, which deflated from the pain earlier, was now back up. And Even was searching for some friction on his front, while he was both aching to be touched and wanting to move away from the fingers which were putting so much pressure on his pulled areas.

“Try to keep your shoulders down” Isak murmured as he was focusing on a certain area on Even’s calf, and Even bit his lower lip to sustain a moan, as he wasn’t sure if it was a pained one or an excited one from Isak’s tone of voice and touches.

After the long massage, Isak asked from him to turn around and took the bandage he had already pulled out earlier, to wrap it around his leg both efficiently and tenderly, as Even looked at his meticulous hands in wonder.

And Even could feel their little alone time together was slipping away, and he wasn’t ready - The little flirtatious banter they had before the massage seemed so natural, as if they had always known each other. Also, Isak’s touches seemed to stir something inside of Even, and he just wasn’t ready to let go.

“So, back to the big deal here, the big question” Even said, once Isak finished wrapping the bandage around his calf, which was still securely on Isak’s lap.

“What big question?” Isak shot him probably the one hundred confused look of this noon, just as his body started to turn towards his medical kit, to stuff what he pulled out earlier back inside.

“How would it feel fully better if you won’t kiss it better?” Even asked, still determined to flirt and desperate enough to stick with the same idea, mainly because he couldn’t think about any other flirting techniques, as all his blood was no longer flooding to his brain.

And there was a long silence between them, as they both stared into each other’s eyes, before Isak let out a shuddering breath and shook his head fondly once.

“You’re not going to give it up, are you?”

And all Even could do was lifting his eyebrows in return.

Time seemed to slow down, as Isak was leaning down, his hands were tenderly holding Even’s bandaged leg in place and Even could feel himself holding his breath as he was doing nothing but staring in awe. And Even gasped softly as Isak’s lips tenderly caressed his leg above the bondage, leaving a trail of soft and tender kisses from its bottom to its top, which was more than Even could had hoped for in this moment.

And Isak was avoiding his eyes as he raised his head again, but Even couldn’t miss the way his cheeks were painted scarlet.

“Thank you” Even mumbled in astonishment, because he couldn’t believe Isak actually went with it, because he couldn’t believe Isak’s reactions to going with it, because it gave him hope and made him to want more, and to believe he might get more.

“Will you shut up now?” Isak mumbled back, but it was full of nothing but tenderness and embarrassment.

“Yeah, just one thing…” Even said, as his eyes were roaming all over Isak’s face.

“Hmmm…?” Isak hummed, as he finally stuffed the oil back into his backpack.

“I’ve got that little problem, it’s right there, in my heart…” Even teased, and Isak’s eyes darted back to his face with a fond eye roll.

“Ugh...”

“It just keeps on getting broken, all the damn time, by this cute doctor...” Even continued, with a little smile on his face.

“You know, Sana has someone...” Isak started to say, but Even was having none of this.

_You can’t say stuff like this after all of this, angel._

“I’m not talking about Sana” Even told him, as his eyes locked on Isak’s - blue on green, green on blue, both covered in dilated black.

“I don’t know about any other cute doctors in here...” Isak shrugged, and his body seemed to curl a bit on himself, and Even wanted to reach out for him, to wrap him in his arms and shower him with kisses.

_How can you say stuff like this about yourself? Why can’t you see how wonderful you are?_

“How is it even possible? He’s the only person I see” Even told him, honesty puring from every syllable, and Isak was gaping a bit back at him, and his eyes were wide and uncertain and Even couldn’t help but reach out for his hand, to pull his hand slowly but surely towards his own chest, to place it right above his own heart.

Because Isak was a doctor, and he might not believe to Even’s words, but he had to believe to the furious pumping of Even’s heart. And he could soon hear Isak’s breathing halt for a moment, as his eyes were now locked on his hand on Even’s chest.

“It’s now better, my heart” Even said as he laced their fingers together above his heart, right on his chest, and he could feel Isak shudder a bit under his leg, could feel him getting closer to Even’s face, as his warm breathing was now caressing Even’s lips and Even was so ready, he could already feel himself exploding, and…

“Isak, Even - the food is ready!” Noora shouted from the kitchen, startling the both of them, breaking the spell as both he and Isak pulled apart, and their fingers slipped away from their mutual grip. _For Fuck’s sake._

Isak shook his head off, as he was turning his head towards the opening of the sleeping area, before his head turned right back to Even’s face.

“I… I think we should go to eat now...” he mumbled, and Even nodded back in defeat.

After Isak helped him to struggle to his feet, he crouched back to the ground, to pick up his kit and backpack.

“Thank you, Isak” - Even told him with a little sincere smile, as he was looking at him from above - “for taking care of my leg and my heart, both really appreciate it”

Isak smiled softly back at him, as he put the stripes of his backpack on his shoulders, and both of them started to walk towards the kitchen, Isak a bit weirdly, probably due to the prolonged sitting, and Even found himself barely walking at all, due to his hurt calf and heavy hardon.

“Would be better if you didn’t get hurt in the first place” Isak finally told him in return.

“Let’s agree to disagree on that” Even winked at him, as they parted, because Isak needed to put his medical kit away, before joining the meal, and Isak seemed to be amused, for some reason, from the gesture.

“Goodbye for now, doctor” he teased him, as they parted ways, smiling internally at the pink which instantly rose to Isak’s cheeks.

“Goodbye, Even” Isak answered.

***

{I Wanna Be Yours}

Even couldn't fall asleep that night, and he wasn't sure what was holding him back - the situation with Isak seemed to be getting better, if Isak's reactions this late morning were anything to go by, or if the smirks and teasing in lunch from almost everyone in the shelter were any indication.

Yet, here Even was – staring at the sleeping area's ceiling and lying wide awake on the cold ground, his backpack served him as a pillow and his hoodies served him as blankets. It was uncomfortable, to say at least, but it was also familiar in a way. It made him feel somewhat content and grounded, the rough touch with the ground.  

Even was contemplating the idea that his leg might be what was keeping him awake, as it still was a bit sore and didn’t feel entirely comfortable, but if he'd be completely honest with himself, it wasn't really the case. The real case was that he craved for the warmth of Isak's strong hands on his skin and for the stability his lap served to Even's leg. Even craved his surprisingly soft touch – so soft for such a tough man, who was covered in nothing but sharp angles and prominent muscles.  

So when Even heard a movement from the other side of the sleeping area, which was quickly followed by Isak standing on his feet and tip toying quietly out that area, Even didn't think twice before he followed right after him.

_You can't blame me, angle. I was awake, anyways._

He found Isak seated on the floor in the sitting area, staring at the opening area casually. He looked so peaceful and relaxed, and Even found himself wondering for a moment whether or not he should disturb him at all.

Up until this day, Isak had seemed to resent his attempts at being close to him. Fucking hell, they hadn't changed a word ever since they parted right before lunch. But, unlike other meals up until now, when Isak had caught Even staring at him, he didn't ignore it or turned his gaze away. He had held Even stare with a bit of timidity and shyness. But he had done it, nonetheless.  

But before Even could really make up his mind, Isak made up his mind for him. Because then Isak turned around a bit, as if he sensed Even's presence behind him, and shoot him a timid smile.  

"Hi" he told him, and Even couldn't stop himself from beaming back at him, from the attention alone.

"Hi" he said right back, as he reached over and sat himself right next to Isak, who didn't pull away from Even's proximity, to Even's delight.  

“Can’t sleep again?” Even asked as he tried really hard to keep some sort of a space between the two of them.  

“No” Isak answered as he bit his lower lip and his eyes darted south, to look at his own intertwined fingers – "you?"

"Same" Even said as he bit his lower lip as well.

_What do I need to do get you to bite **my** lips? I wish it was your teeth on my skin _  

“Does it hurt or…?” Isak started to ask, as he was looking at Even's left leg, and his head bowed a little down, as his right hand was reaching towards it, a bit tentatively, and Even gave him an encouraging little smile.  

Isak's hands were warm and gentle, as he inspected Even's leg once again, moving the material of Even's sweatpants up the leg, so he'd be able to touch the area, and better inspect it with his eyes. His movements were gentle yet sure, and his eyes were focused on Even's skin as Even finally answered his answer -

“I’m fine, you’ve treated it well and I’m used to sleeping like that...” Even shrugged as he said the last part, and Isak's eyes immediately darted up as he said that last part, and his eyebrows were raised confussedingly -

“Sleeping injured?”

“No… Like that, with just my clothes and everything” Even answered with a soft shy smile, as his leg once again found a home on Isak's lap, curdled in the warmth his strong thighs made, even through the material of Isak’s sweatpants, and caressed by Isak's long fingers absentmindedly.

“Oh, you don’t have anything to sleep with?” Isak asked, as his mouth opened agap and a crease formed between his eyebrows.

“Just my hoodies and my sweatpants… I’ve been out there for a long time” Even shrugged again, and he found himself not caring for this matter in that moment.

_I don't need anything to sleep with as long as I get to feel your hands on my skin_

“I see...” Isak answered quietly, and both of them fell into a comfortable silence. Isak's fingers still brushed up and down Even's leg and Even could feel himself relaxing from the soft soothing touches. He glanced towards Isak's profile once in a while, while the other man kept staring up and front, with a slightly contracted face, as his mind seemed to be seething with thoughts.

As Even roamed Isak's profile, his eyes seemed to be drowned down from Isak's face to his neck. Isak's neck seemed to heal pretty well in the past few days, and it wasn't full of blood anymore. However, there was a visible thin scar, which roamed like a life line around Isak's neck, and Even bit his lower lip in frustration because he still couldn't help but blame himself for ruining Isak's milky skin like that. He couldn’t shake the feeling it was also his fault, in one way or another.  

Even wanted to reach and trail the scar with the tip of his finger, to pepper it with kisses and brush his lips tenderly against it without pressing on the soft skin. But he was also terrified to come closer, to be that concentrated on the ruins in Isak's skin when there was so much to appreciate, so much he hadn't showered with love yet.   

“Does it still hurt?” Even asked finally, the words were slipping from between his lips without permission, almost not audible at all.

“What?" Isak asked absentmindedly, only to shake his head a moment later, as if he had realized what Even was saying in an instant, and a warm pink started to colour his cheeks as he rolled his eyes at Even right before he continued talking –

"Oh god, don’t try that on me...”

“What?” Even asked, buffled from Isak's reaction.

“The ‘Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven’ bullshit” Isak said with another roll of his eyes and a huff, while Even found himself melting on the spot.

_How can you be even cuter?_

“I wasn’t trying to...” Even started to defend with a soft smile, only to be cut off right away by Isak's 'Yeah, right...'. But Isak's cheeks were so pinkish and his eyelashes seemed to teasingly brush the air they went through and Even just stared at awe.

Because Isak was acting so strong and cold towards him ever since he joined them, but here he was, right there, at that moment – saying such soft things while his cheeks were flaming, taking care of Even without really knowing anything about him and just acting so softly that Even felt as if he was about to combust.

And there was nothing more than a burning want to kiss Isak at this moment, to crush their lips together. But Even knew better, he had to get a grip on himself.  

_Baby steps, Even. Just go in baby steps._

“But, if you’ve already admitted that you fell out of heaven...” Even said in a heartbeat with a teasing tone and smirk, and he could feel Isak squirmed under his legs.

“Ugh...”  

“Did it?”

“I can’t believe it… I’m going back to bed” Isak said, but his hands were laying on top of Even's legs and he didn’t make  any movement to stand up from the floor.  

They continued to shoot short glances towards each other's faces, until Even finally admitted what he really had meant to ask about -  

“I was just trying to ask about your neck, to be honest”

And Even regretted admitting this the moment Isak's hands halted from their moves on his skin, and he felt him tensing up next to him.  

“Oh… Well, I don’t really want to talk about it...” Isak finally told him back, and Even stopped regretting asking about it.

_Because you might let me getting closer to you – you might be touching me, you might let me flirt with you without pushing me away, but you don't really let me near **you** , the real you, all of you. _ 

Even realised he was fighting for a door into Isak's heart, not even for a place in there yet. And it was fine, even understandable. Eskild had told him that it would be hard, that it would be tough, but Even could already see it was worth it. It was so worth it solely from Isak's actions today.

“I was just asking if it hurts - nothing less, nothing more” Even said.

_Because I'd get anything you're willing to give me at this moment. I won't push you to open up for me, but I want you to know that you can if you want to._  

“I keep it cleaned and sterile and everything, so much less - It’s not what keeps me awake, though” Isak answered him, as he was looking at his hands, which were intertwined but still placed on Even's leg. As if he was craving for Even's touch, too. As if he didn't want to let go as well.  

“Are we still not talking about it?” Even asked carefully, because he wasn't pushing yet, but he wanted to give Isak an option to open up, if he would like one.  

“Yeah…” Isak said as his right hand reached up to scratch his head, and Even's eyes followed the action. His hands were tingling from want to touch the soft curls himself.

“But, thank you, for asking, about my neck...” Isak added with a soft smile, and his eyes finally darted up to meet Even's.

Even held his gaze, as he could feel the corners of his lips were darting up in their own accord to form a tiny smile on his face.  

“Of course” he whispered, and Isak held their eyes together for another moment, then darted them away, as he slowly rolled down Even's sweatpants to cover back his leg, then smoothed the fabric along his leg.  

“I really need to head back now, though” Isak said with an apologizing smile, which Even returned slowly. He then managed to lift his leg from Isak's lap, to let the other man stand up on his feet.  

"Are you coming?" Isak asked once he was standing, and held his right hand out for Even, to help him to his feet if he wanted.

"Oh, so we're in this stage already?" He asked Isak and wiggled his eyebrows at him, as his hand reached out to lace his fingers with Isak's instead of using the support to lift himself off the ground.  

"What stage?" Isak asked, as his forehead contrasted in bafflement.

"Of sleeping together, of course!" Even teased and Isak coughed loudly as his cheeks were turning red.  

"That's not what I meant by that!" He almost yelled, and Even couldn't stop himself from beaming back at him from this reaction.  

"If that’s the case, then, I think I'll stay here for a little bit longer" Even finally answered with half a shrug, as the teasing smile was once again back on his face, when he could finally depress the enormous smile which had been spread across his face. He wasn't quite tired, yet, and he wanted to have some time alone with his thoughts in the silence the night provided. He finally let go of Isak's hand, and it seemed to fall back to Isak’s side, right next to his body, now that it wasn't holding back Even's.

Isak was looking at him from above, and it seemed as if a thousand emotions were going through his mind, but Even couldn't really decipher what they were. Finally, however, Isak took a deep breath and wished him good night softly, then went back to the sleeping area, right after which Even wished him good night, as well.  

As Even was left alone, he could finally think about that day properly - Even could feel he and Isak made an enormous step today. Things didn’t seem to be quiet the same between them anymore. And only at that moment, when Even was finally alone, he realized that a huge stone was lifted off his heart.

Because Even was afraid that what they had shared alone in the sleeping area would disappear once they went out of it for lunch. He was afraid the air between them would turn heavy again in a stuffy kind of way and he feared the moment they would be again alone because of it, although he also kind of craved it.

Because Isak’s hands on his body felt warm and grounding, and Even just couldn’t get enough. But Even also knew he had to get a grip on himself, that he couldn’t rush anything when it came to Isak.

Because Isak wanted to be seen solely as a tough and strong man, yet everybody seemed to know how soft he was. And as Even finally got to see this side of him, the soft side, he couldn’t risk it up. He couldn’t push too hard or too fast only to later realize that the door to Isak’s heart was locked for him forever.

Even had to continue to flirt with Isak, in hopes to win him somehow over, in hopes to make his intentions clear. But he also had to get to know this man better, in a deeper manner, in hopes to turn all this sexual attraction, which was burning him alive, into a romantic one as well.  

Because Even realised that what he felt towards Isak at that moment wasn’t love. It couldn’t be love, as he didn’t really know anything personal about Isak, as he didn’t know his opinions on things or anything which he held dear to his heart.

Nobody could feel _love_ , romantic attraction, towards another person without knowing them. People could feel sexual attraction towards people without knowing them, but that was it in that matter. And Even was certain at two things as he was sitting there on the ground, still deep in his thoughts - He was extremely attracted to Isak Valtersen, like he had never been attracted to anybody ever before. And he was aching to get a chance to add to it a romantic attraction as well. He was aching to get to know this man.

_Would you give me the honour to get to know better, angel?_

“Oh, Even…?” Even was out of his head the moment he heard Isak's voice again, and he turned his body towards his voice, as Isak was getting closer timidly.

“Here” Isak said as he handed Even a pillow. The same pillow Even buried his face in earlier that day, while Isak was massaging his leg. This pillow had a faded blue cover, and although it had probably been used for years in all kinds of surroundings, it seemed to still feel soft and fluffy.

“I have an extra pillow, ever since I hurt my neck, but I want you to have it - You’re hurt yourself and I...” Isak started to mumble an explanation after Even put the pillow on his lap and looked at it with fascination.

_I can't believe you gave it to me. Mahdi said you need it…_

"Are you sure that you don't need it?" Even made sure, as his hands moved across the pillow’s cover, brushing it softly.

Isak nodded back at him once as an answer with a fierce determination in his eyes.

“Thank you” Even smiled softly at him, and Isak bent his head a bit as an answer, before he turned around to go back to the sleeping area.

"Sweet dreams" Even called after him softly.  

Isak turned his head around and smiled softly back at him – "you too, Even"

He then disappeared around the corner.  

That night, as Even went back to his place on the ground near Mahdi, he was lulled to sleep by the warmth of the pillow he once again buried his head in, as he was surrounded by Isak's scent.  

And If Even woke up the following morning with a problem in his pants, nobody had to know. The only thing he knew for certain was that he wouldn’t take it any other way.

***

“What are they fighting about?” Even asked a few days later, as he sat himself right next to Eva in the sitting area.

He was nodding with his head towards Isak, Sana, Jonas and Noora. The former two seemed to be pissed off one another as they were arguing in a heated manner, while the other two seemed to be listening tentatively and threaded a word once in a while.

“The usual stuff, you know…” She said with a smirk, then added an explanation when she noticed Even’s bafflement - “Just what we’re gonna do once we’re out of this place”

“Huh?”

Eva sighed once, before giving a further explanation - “We’re too many people in one place, and Isak and Sana just can’t agree on a way to split us up, and where each group would go to”

A silence fell between the two of them after she said so. Even remembered vaguely that Sana had mentioned this subject of separation once he arrived to this shelter, but he didn’t know it was such a heated subject, and one which was discussed for so long.

“What do you think?” Even asked her, and Eva smiled at his question softly.

“I don’t think we need to split up at all, or…” She breathed deeply before she continued - “I don’t _want_ us to split up…”

She sighed again, deeply, before she added - “But I don’t really think others would agree with me, at least in a strategic kind of way...”

Even could understand what she was talking about - He wasn’t there for as long as the others, but he didn’t want to part from anyone, as well. He couldn’t imagine what it felt like for them, after they had been so much longer together.

“I understand the need to split up, but… I just don’t want to part from any of the people in here. We’ve been together for some time already and didn’t get into trouble yet - What would be the harm to just continue like that?” Eva concluded, and looked at Even when she finished.

“I don’t know” He answered her, because he really didn’t. He didn’t know the complications, he didn’t know what was on stack and he couldn’t really see himself making such a decision for other people as well.

“Yeah, me neither” She said as well, then she turned completely to face him, and a small smile decorated her face.

“So… How is it going with Noora?” She asked, and Even returned her a confused face.

“What do you mean?” He asked her, and her eyes darted to the side, to look at the four people that were still deep in conversation, before she continued -

“You guys are spending a lot of time together, cooking and all” She said, and Even’s eyebrows raised a bit -

“Yeah, was anything wrong with the food or…?”

“No, of course not! The food is so damn good since you’re here, Even, you have no idea!” She half laughed once she cut him mid-sentence, and Even smiled back at her, still a bit confused.

“Thanks” He told her, and nodded a bit. People in here told him all the time that they liked his food, and he always found the attention fluttering, yet he wasn’t really sure how to respond to any of it.

“Just…” Eva glanced again towards the others before she continued again - ”You and Noora would make such a cute couple, don’t you think?”

Even’s breathing stopped for a moment and he could feel his lips were parting on their own accord.

_What the hell is she talking about?_

“Me and Noora?” He asked in bafflement, swallowing thickly as he felt his eyebrows were shrinking a bit.

“Yeah, I mean - You two look really good together, you can talk for hours, you have so much in common… Don’t you think so?”

Noora was pretty. She was tall and thin and in one way or another, just like Sonja, she was probably his type, and not only because she looked like that. Noora was smart, caring, sophisticated, interesting… Even indeed had a great time talking with her, ever since he reached the shelter - they would exchange recipes and talked for hours about food and their journeys to vegetarianism. Noora was funny and easy and she had a huge knowledge and a positive outlet about life.

But Even didn’t have eyes for her, and she knew it - By teasing him with smiles and meaningful looks every time Isak passed somewhere near them when they shared a talk. And, as much as Even knew, Noora wasn’t interested, and he felt easy for their friendship because of it.

_Was I reading all of our conversation wrong?_

“Did she say anything or...?”

“No! I mean… Just a thought, you know?” Eva said, and her eyes darted to look at her crossed legs, and she seemed to avoid Even’s eyes.

Suddenly, Even realised what this was all about, and he wasn't sure why Eva was doing it, wasn’t sure what the whole deal was. And although he knew that it was none of his business, and he didn’t want to intervene in things that weren’t his business, Eva brought him into this, and he had to find out why Noora was avoiding the subject in their talks.

“Eva, I’ve heard you two talk, the other day, in the kitchen… You know it’s not me she wants” Even finally said softly, and his hand reached up to his hair, to whip it away from his forehead.

Eva’s eyes raised to momently look at his as he said those words, only to dart to the side again and a tensed silence prevailed between the two of them after that, to be broken from Eva eventually -

“She can’t be with him, he won’t be good for her” She mumbled, and she raised her lowered eyes back to his. She had a pleading look on her face, one full of regret and sadness, and Even felt as if she was asking from him for a favour or support.

But Even couldn’t help her, couldn’t give her the favour he was suspecting she was asking for. He and Noora weren’t meant to be, didn’t want one another in that way.

_Didn’t you notice my desperate crush on Isak?_

“I wouldn’t be, either” He finally told to her, with what he hoped sounded like finality in his words. She was looking right back into his eyes.

“Yeah, I know...” She finally admitted, and her eyes darted sideways once again.

And Even found himself even more confused. Because if she knew he wouldn’t cave in, why did she try in the first place?

“Then why did you tell me all of this? Why are you against what she wants? Don’t you want her to be happy?” He asked her quietly with tenderness. He just wanted to understand what was going on between the two of them. Why had Noora talked about Eva’s relationship with Jonas the way she did, back then in the kitchen? Why was Eva acting this way?

“I do! Of course I do, it’s just… He won’t make her happy, Even” Eva pleaded, and Even felt like he was reading a book, but from its’ middle, in a way that one couldn’t place all the pieces together to really understand the plot.

“How can you know? How can you be so sure about it?” Even asked her.

“I just do, I know guys like him, I used to date a guy like him...” Eva sighed and moved the hair which fell into her face aside - “Men like him only come with trouble, I don’t want her to get hurt”

Even remembered the way Noora looked when she talked about William. He remembered vaguely that she even mentioned the word ‘love’.

Even was now in a place he wasn’t sure how he felt about that word, ‘love’. He thought that might be it, when he had seen Isak for the first time, but after last night, after really thinking about it - he could think more clearly and separate attraction from love. Even was once again in a place where he didn’t know what he thought about love, but he had a clue what was Noora’s state of mind on the subject, and it wasn’t the same as his.

Noora was a romantic, Noora talked about William that one time with stars in her eyes, and Even couldn’t understand how Eva could hold her from going after it.

It shouldn’t be about what Eva was thinking, in his opinion. It should be about Noora’s feelings, and them only.

“I think she knows what’s good for her, Eva. Maybe you don’t know him like she does, maybe she saw something in him others can’t see...” Even tried to tell her, but she cut him off mid- sentence and she forcefully shook her head in disagreement -

“No, you don’t understand… I’ve never thought she’d go for someone like that” she tried to explain.

“Someone like what?” Even asked, but before Eva had the chance to tell him what she meant, a hand was placed on her shoulder and she jumped in her place.

Both her and Even’s eyes were darting up to look at Jonas, who was looking at Eva’s face with a small smile on his face.

“Hey” he said as he went down on both his knees to sit next to her, and he nodded at Even in acknowledgment.

“Hi!” Eva told him back urgently, right after Even nodded back at Jonas, and as Jonas turned his face back to her, she held both his cheeks and crushed their lips together forcefully, knocking the air right out of a surprised Jonas, who laughed in confusion into the kiss.  

“What was that for?” he asked her with a chuckle once they parted, and Eva just smiled playfully back at him and shrugged nonchalantly in return.

“Are you free to help me with my clothes? You know how Isak gets when I as much as try to get my head out this damned place” he said, and Eva nodded and giggled at the face he made when he mentioned the last part.

“Sure, I’ll be right there” she said as she stroked his curls once with her right hand.

After Jonas raised to his feet again, and nodded to Even goodbye, Eva turned again to face Even, whose eyes roamed her face.

“We’ll talk about it in another time, okay?” She asked him, and Even actually didn’t expect any other thing.

“Sure” he told her, as she raised to her feet as well, and gave him a thankful look once she was standing.

As Eva was walking to the sleeping area, after Jonas, Even couldn’t help but look at her back in suspicion. Something was wrong, something didn’t settle exactly right, and he couldn’t place his finger on what exactly.

***

“Do you want to add you laundry to mine? I already do Magnus’s almost each time, otherwise he forgets” Vilde asked him, as they entered the sleeping area together.

Unlike other days, Even was today on cleaning duty with her in that area. He exchanged places with Jonas, who complained about it ever since Even arrived to this shelter, just for today. Vilde seemed excited for the chance to talk with him alone, and already asked to help him with his clothes in exchange for his help.

“Thanks, I’d love to!” he answered her with a warm smile - “I’ll give you what needs washing once we’re finished?”

“Sounds great!” She told him.

Right afterwards, she explained him the procedure she had been taking in cleaning ever since they arrived to this place, and they springed right into work.

Even was never the kind of person who found joy in cleaning. Even when he still lived with his family, before he lost them that awful day, he used to help only in the kitchen.

Even had always tried to treat cooking with honour and passion, as a way to light up his creativity and make others happy and satisfied as well. Of course, when food was made mainly for survival purposes those days, it was hard to treat it with the honor it deserved. It was hard to do it just for fun and give it the attention it deserved. But Even still found joy in it, still tried to let the wheels in his head roar and invent new recipes almost every single time.

“So, Even… How are things going on with Isak?” She asked him, and Even tried really hard to not show how excited his heart got from her mentioning his name.

“What do you mean?” He asked her, although he had started to doubt if there was any reason for him to continue with this faked innocence when nobody even tried to pretend they believed in it anyways.

“I’ve just seen the two of you seem to be getting closer lately” she told him with a big smile - “I think you two would make a lovely couple, don’t you think?”

Even stared at her momently, frozen in place, before he shook himself out of it and continued to fold the blanket he had in his hand.

“Hmmm… I don’t know if that’s what he wants, though...” He started to say, because he still had his doubts, especially since they hadn’t got any closer to _really_ know one another.

But Vilde, in return, just giggled and shook her head -

“I think you’ve got a good chance...” she snickered, as she continued on shaking her head - “Like, seriously, how the two of you can be so clueless about each other?”

Even bit his lower lip in frustration, then admitted -

“I literally flirt with him every time we talk, I don’t think I can be less obvious...”

“Omg! You do????” she screamed and jumped in her place - “Isak didn’t tell me anything about the flirting!” she squeaked and came closer to give Even a hug.

Even wrapped his hands around her frame as well, and let her knock the air out of him with the force she held onto him. Although Vilde was much shorter than him and seemed like a delicate girl, she had a lot of power in her body and hold.

“Jeez” he hissed as she continued to hold into him, and he smiled down at her as she finally let go, a huge blinding smile was on her face and her eyes seemed to sparkle -

“I’m just so glad that things are finally working out for the two of you! All of us are on the edges of our sits, following the interactions between the two of you” she told him bluntly, and Even found his cheeks were getting warmer at her words, and his left hand reached up to scratch his hair.

As embarrassment fell all over him, and Vilde still seemed to be very emotional and excited from his news, the two of them continued to work on the sleeping area, working methodically until a peaceful silence replaced the undercurrent buzz which seemed to run all over that space.

However, the silence didn’t seem to last for long, as Vilde called his name tentatively a few minutes later - “Even?”

Even turned his head to look at her, and he found her standing lost in the middle of the area. Her hands were fumbling with the edge of a pillowcase and her eyes seemed big and uncertain.

“Is everything alright?” he asked her, as worry coloured his voice.

“Yeah, it’s just… Can I ask you something?” she mumbled, and her eyes seemed to widen even more.

“Of course” he told her, as he took a tentative step towards her, to better look at her face.

“How… How do you flirt with Isak?” she avoided his eyes as she let the question slip into the air between them. Her eyes avoided his and the colour on her cheeks turned pinker than before. _Oh._

“Hmm, you know, the usual stuff...” Even said, and he could feel the warmth on his cheeks was spreading to other parts of his face as well.

“Usual?”

“Yeah, you know...” Even coughed, in hopes it would make his voice sound a bit more normal, before he continued - “The kind of stuff you read about in books”

“I have no idea what it means” she admitted and bit her lip - “I didn’t manage to read that much before books were no longer easily reachable” she admitted, and Even’s heart went out to her.

Vilde always seemed so full of confidence, with a smile that barely left her face, a laugh which was carried all along the shelter and a high pitched voice which was always laced with excitement. Even didn’t think he’d ever get the chance to see her that vulnerable and unsure of herself.  

“I just try to woo him with cheesy pickup lines, if I have to be honest, but… That’s because I don’t know him that deeply, yet” he shrugged, and Vilde bit her lower lip again. She was still avoiding his eyes when she quietly talked again -

“So… Hypothetically, if you knew him for a long time....”

Even hummed as she stopped, to encourage her to continue talking. His eyes roamed her face, but her eyes still looked at her legs as she continued -

“How would you act?”

She finally looked back into his eyes as she asked him this question, and Even could see a sea of emotions that were turbelenting inside of them.

“According to what you read in books, of course” She added quickly as the silence stretched between them, and then Even gave her a soft smile.

“Well, I’d probably try to show him how I feel” he told her quietly, and the corners of her mouth fell at that.

“But what if you already tried it, and he still didn’t realise?” she asked him, and her voice came out even more quiet than before.

“Then I’d try to talk with him about it, when we were alone. I’d try to tell him what I feel or act upon my feelings more boldly” he simply said. Because Even wanted to believe he’d be brave enough to do it, if he was in that situation.

“Even if you’re not sure if he likes you back?” Vilde asked further, and Even could see the uncertainty colouring her entire body at this point, not only her face.

“If that’s the only thing that is holding me back, than I want to believe that I’d at least try - I prefer to try and be rejected than live my life wondering if he liked me back, only to never really find out because I was too afraid to give it a try” he confessed.

_Because I want to believe I can be the author of my own story. I want to write my own path through life, even if the world tries to hold me back and throw me down._

“And, besides…” Even smiled softly at her and put his hand on her shoulder - “I know we hypothetically talk about me and Isak, but I just want you to know that you’re a really sweet girl, Vilde, and I’m sure everybody in this shelter thinks so, as well”

Even could feel his smile widen, as a small smile decorated Vilde’s beautiful face.

“You really think so?” She asked him, as her hand played with her hair, and doubt was stll showing in her eyes, although she had that cute little smile on her face now.

“Yeah, of course I do” he reassured her, and Vilde’s eyes shined at him and she beamed back at him and gave him another short hug.

“I really hope things will work out between you and Isak, Even” She whispered at him - “You’re such an amazing guy” she added.

“Thank you, I hope so, too” Even smiled back at her, and they turned to clean the last section of the sleeping area.

*

“What’s Isak’s pillow is doing here?” Vilde asked confusedly, as she knelt right next to Even’s place on the ground and let her hand brush the pillowcase softly.

_Isak’s pillow._

Even was sleeping with Isak’s pillow for a few nights already, ever since Isak let him have it. Even couldn’t remember the last time he felt so comfortable and secure while sleeping. He also couldn’t remember when was the last time, before, that he fell asleep that easily.

Isak’s pillow smelled just like him. It smelled like warmth and small touches. It smelled like _man_ \- muscy and earthy. And Even felt a bit daring and bold to even think about it that way, but that was the scent Even connected with the word ‘home’. Isak smelled like home.

“Oh, he gave it to me a few days ago...” Even started to explain, only to be cut off by Vilde’s high pitched squeal -

“Isak gave you his pillow?” She shouted as she jumped in her place, with wide open eyes and her a huge smile that took over her face.

“Hmmm, yeah…?” Even mumbled, only to hear another squeal from Vilde as an answer.

“Do you realize how huge this is??” She nearly shouted, as she was still jumping in her place excitedly.

Even was touched by Isak’s gesture, he really was, but he couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to it than he seemed to know, according to Vilde’s reaction. _Why would be something more to it? It was just a pillow._

“He told me he had an extra one since he hurt his neck...” Even told her, as he was staring at her in confusion, because he couldn’t understand what the big deal was.

“Yeah, Even, but it’s _his_ pillow” Vilde said, as if it made any more sense.

“Yes, he told me he doesn’t need the extra one anymore...” Even tried again, only to be cut off by Vilde once more -

“No, Even, this is not the extra pillow he got, this is _his_ pillow, like - ‘Since we were kids’ pillow… Do you realize how huge it is that he gave it to you?”

And, if Even had to be honest with himself, he didn’t realise what the big deal was. Even if it wasn’t Isak’s extra pillow, it was just a pillow, right?

So Even didn’t answer her, but just dumbly stared at her with wide eyes and confusion probably written all over his face.

“It’s the only thing he still got from his parents’ house, the extra pillow was something Mahdi found for him in some store right after he got hurt… I’ve never seen Isak more possessive about anything other than _this_ pillow, Even, it’s like his most precious possession! Nobody is allowed to even touch this pillow!” She basically yelled at his face, and Even was glad that they were the only two in this section of the shelter, and that almost everyone were out to hunt or busy in the kitchen to hear Vilde’s screams, because - God, this was a lot.

Even could feel his stomach was turbalenting with butterflies that were flying everywhere, he could feel his heart was spreading in his chest and he could feel himself melting on the spot. And if his cheeks were as hot as he suspected, he was just glad that Vilde didn’t mention it, or was too busy in being excited to notice it at all.

“I knew he found you hot, because I mean - I know Isak, but I just didn’t understand how fucking huge it was… Omg, I _have_ to tell the girls about it...” Vilde snickered, but Even was still deep in thoughts, still a bit shocked.

People weren’t only teasing him, _them_ \- Isak actually might had felt something to him, there was no other way. Isak wanted something with him, and Even’s heart sang in joy.

***

Even wasn’t sure what woke him up that night at first. For the past few nights, Even had been sleeping well, and he thought that the situation had got even better, once he knew what a huge deal it was for Isak to give him this pillow. _His pillow_.

It was as if it shooed Even’s raising thoughts and worries away, because Even’s nightmares seemed to come to a halt. Even had been dreaming about his family, screaming for him from the ruins of their house.  Sometimes, Even was deep under the ground, with them. Other times, Even couldn’t fall asleep because he couldn’t deal with dreaming about it, dreaded dreaming about it. Sometimes, the guilt of being the only person of his family who survived was eating him alive. Sometimes, he wondered why the universe let him stay, but took away his wonderful parents and the sweet little Lea.

Life wasn’t fair, and Even still had a hard time dealing. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever have an easy time dealing. But Isak’s scent seemed to help. It seemed to lull him into sleep and hug him through the night. It seemed to push the nightmares away.

But tonight, Even found himself waking up, and he wasn’t sure why at first. Yes, this night was much colder than the others, but that’s the reason Even made sure to wear an extra hoodie before managed to at first drifted off, just in case. He still felt warm as he woke up, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, and that was the reason he had been brought to full alertness in moments.

He sat up in his place and searched the sleeping area, to find almost everyone sleeping peacefully in their regular places. Almost, because Even couldn’t help but notice that Isak wasn’t in his place on the ground. As Even contemplated what to do, he could hear sounds from the other side of the shelter, and with tentative steps, he tip toyed his way out of the sleeping area towards the sounds.

{Sweater Weather}

He found Isak standing with his face towards the shelter’s entrance - his hands were in his coat’s pockets and the man seemed to shiver violently, although he seemed to have a few of layers on and a beanie.

Even had been staring at Isak’s back for a couple of moments, before the man was starting to go out. But Even couldn’t let him go into the cold like that.

“Isak, wait!” Even shouted, and Isak turned around instantly, and looked right into Even’s eyes. At first, with a bit of a fear, probably due to Even’s shouting, but then the stare turned out to be a soft one.

Isak kept on staring at Even’s eyes, and Even was mesmerized - Isak looked so huggable and soft, with way too many layers on his body to show his figure, but all Even’s brain could think in return was how cute he looked, how small and soft all those layers made him seem, although they probably made him twice his size.

Even was out his stupor when he realized Isak’s teeth were knocking and that the man was staring at him both confusedly and softly. Oh right, he called after him.

_You can’t be this cute and expect me to remember anything, angel._

“Here” Even said, as he took his outer hoodie off his body in front of Isak’s eyes, that seemed to widen at him in return - “You’re freezing, and you’re going outside, so I…”

“I have my own hoodies, I don’t need yours” Isak mumbled defensively as Even handed him his hoodie. Isak’s cheeks seemed to redden and he clinched the hoodie’s material in his bare hand once Even shoved it in, despite his first reclines to take it from him.

“It’s only fair, after you gave me one of your pillows” Even said, and he bit his lower lip in frustration.

_Let me give it to you, angel. Let me know you have a piece of me, too, with you._

“But, you didn’t have one, I have hoodies” Isak mumbled, but his voice was nothing but soft at this point and he seemed to stare in the hoodie in his hands with something that couldn't be described as anything but awe.

“But you’ve been standing here shivering so loud that it literally woke me up” Even insisted, as his eyes roamed Isak’s still shivering figure - “Also, if I can’t keep you warm outside, when you keep an eye on the exit, at least my hoodie could” He smirked as Isak’s eyes finally met his again, and Isak rolled his eyes at that.

Finally, Isak shrugged and started to get out of his coat to put the additional hoodie on. As he was once again in his coat, with Even’s hoodie fastened up on his body, Even smiled at him softly. Isak smiled right back, and two cute dimples showed on his cheeks. _This man would be the death of me._

“So, you’ve been able to sleep?” Isak asked, as he started to rub his hands together in front of his body, and the action made Even’s eyes to dart right down to fix on them.

Even found himself springing into action without even seeming to notice, as he reached forwards with both of his hands, but stopped himself just in time to glance up with a tentative look at Isak’s face before wrapping both his palms around Isak’s.

“Yeah, it has been easier, in the past nights” Even said softly as he looked into Isak’s eyes before he leaned forwards to blow some warm air against Isak’s skin. Isak seemed to sigh deeply and slowly from the action, and as Even glanced to look at his face, Isak’s cheeks seemed to be even pinker than before.

They held eye contact as Even continued to blow hot air on Isak’s palms, and he made sure to rub his palms against Isak’s fingers as well, to make sure they were warm and comfy.

“By the way, Sana wrote us together in water duty. We’ll go tomorrow afternoon, okay?” Isak said after a while, when Even stopped blowing the air on his palms and instead held Isak’s palms in his. He didn’t know for how long they were standing there, as he was rubbing his thumbs against Isak’s skin to keep it warm.

“Okay” Even said with a small smile, as he laced their fingers together, and barely stopped himself from beaming when he saw that Isak’s eyes darted to his lips from the movement.

_Do you even realise what you’re doing to me?_

“I’ll go out now, thank you for the hoodie, Even” Isak said, and then he pulled his hands, to push them into his coats pocket.

The only problem was that he didn’t let go of Even’s hold. Or was it Even who didn’t let go? Even wasn’t sure, not when he was suddenly pulled into Isak’s personal space.

Even’s eyes widened in surprise and his lips parted as he found his nose was nearly brushing Isak’s from the action, and he could see that Isak’s surprised reactions to the situation were mirroring his. Isak’s breathing was caressing his lips, and Even could almost taste him on his tongue, with his mouth opened agap.  

And Isak, beautiful Isak, was stuck in his place as well, staring right back into Even’s eyes with so many emotions, all crushing Even’s pupils at once. And Even felt like he was drowning and the only way to surf right back to the surface was to crush his lips against Isak. It was as if Isak’s lips were his only source of oxygen, and Even was choking up, down deep on the bottom of the ocean.

_Can I? Should I?_

Even wanted nothing more than to give in, to crush their bodies and moths together, but he stopped himself. He stopped himself because Isak seemed to hold back with uncertainty in his eyes. He held back because he wanted their first kiss to be perfect - He wanted it to be memorable, he wanted it to be worthy for a novel kind of kiss.

“Are you sure that you don’t want me to come with you?” Even asked, more breathed out, instead of giving in to his passion. He let the warmth of the air, which escaped from between his lips, to caress Isak’s skin, as he softly rubbed his nose against Isak’s.

_I’ll give in just for that, for caressing my skin lightly against yours, angel. Please let me have this at this moment._

“Then what do I need your hoodie for?” Isak breathed back, and his eyes seemed to lose all the green in them, from how dilated his pupils were. Even was pretty sure he was in a similar situation, that there was no shade of blue in his eyes in this moment as well.

“You can have both me and my hoodie” Even whispered back, and he huffed softly as Isak rubbed his nose against Even’s softly, right back.

“You should probably sleep, though” Isak whispered, and Even could feel him letting go of Even’s palms inside the pockets of his coat while he was saying that.

“What about you?” Even asked, as he squeezed Isak’s hands once before pulling them out of the coat’s pockets, and them pulling his body a bit back, as well, to give Isak his personal space again.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry” Isak answered with a soft smile, before he went out for his night guard.

***

The next day, Isak and Even went outside of the shelter together, as they were carrying with them huge containers, right after lunch. Even tried to ignore the way his heart was beating faster, just from the thought of finally spending alone time with Isak without any distributions, but the smug looks the other people in the shelter gave the two of them as they started out only made his heart beating much faster.

Because this was his chance to build a deeper connection between them, or to ruin it all - Shutter all the trust Isak seemed to begin to give to him in one go.

Even was aching for a chance to hold a deeper conversation with Isak for a long time now - He knew it was important and he also really wanted to get to know the other man better. But once they finally were far away from the shelter, when they finally were alone in the nature, deep in the woods - Even found himself speechless. It was as if once he had finally got his chance, his brain left his mouth speechless, and all of the questions he wanted to ask Isak evaporated from his mind, only to leave a trail of thoughts he didn’t think were appropriate to say aloud yet. Like how breathtaking he found Isak to be, how much he liked his scent, how turned on he was from just hearing his name… Yep, those thoughts were better kept locked in his mind for this moment.

“So, where are we going?” Even finally asked, because he was so nervous that he was afraid he might explode. He aimed for nonchalant, and from Isak’s tone of voice, it seemed as if he succeed -

“Where do you think we’re going?” Isak said back a bit cockily, without turning his head to look at Eve’s face.

“I think you’re taking me to that secret place, where you take all your dates to” Even teased, and Isak’s head finally turned all at once to glare at him. It took Isak a moment before a teasing smile coloured his face, as well -

“You wish” he started to chuckle as Even pouted back at him.

“Damn, stop stomping on my feelings” Even said with the pout still on his face, as his hand reached up to rest on his own heart.

“Then stop making it so damn easy” Isak answered with a cocky raise of a brow, to which Even answered with another mock offended look.

After that, a comfortable silence fell between them as they continued to walk, while Isak was leading the way. Even liked that comfortable atmosphere which surrounded them. He guessed he could finally feel it and relax, get enjoyment from the silence, after their teasing banter. Even was still a bit confused from how natural it felt between the two of them - that banter - as if they knew each other forever, danced around each other together ever since the beginning of time.

*

Even was aching to just take Isak’s hand in his, as they were walking, but each of them had a backpack and a few containers to carry with them, so he resisted the urge - both because he knew it wouldn’t be comfortable and both because he was kind of afraid of rejection, even though he and Isak shared more touches than personal information about each other up until this day.

As Even was still contemplating the idea, he and Isak reached a wide river, which Isak frowned at thoroughly.

“This wasn’t here before” Isak mumbled, as he was observing the surrounding of the river, for a way to pass it.

“Can’t we just use those water?” Even asked, only to get Isak’s frowned face directed towards him.

“We can’t take the risk, I don’t know this river” Isak answered him quickly, as he started to walk up the river, to search for a place from which they could pass it easily.

“Are you sure we walked in the right direction?” Even asked him as he followed, to be answered with a huff -

“Oh, please, I am the master of navigation, I never get lost!” Isak told him with a scoff, as the two of them continued to walk along the river.

“Oh, yeah? You are the master of this?” Even teased, and Isak finally smiled as he noticed a narrow branch they could use as some sort of a bridge.

“Oh yeah, I’m the master of many things. In fact, some may even say I’m the master of everything, I’m just _that_ good” Isak shrugged, before he handed Even the containers he carried, so he’d be able to lift the branch.

Even laughed at Isak’s words, then bit his lips as Isak couldn’t really lift the branch on his own.

“Let me help” Even said, as he put down all the containers and held one of the edges of the branch as well.

After a few tries, they finally managed to drag the branch towards the river and they even managed to throw it over in a way that created some sort of a bridge. After Isak skipped quickly to the other side of the river, Even threw the containers towards him carefully.

As Even was putting his left leg on the branch, however, he could feel himself freezing a bit in his place. The branch was narrow and not the most stable thing one could walk on. And with this freezing weather, Even wasn’t very keen on getting wet.

“Jezz, Even” Isak hissed, as put one of his legs on the branch and reached his arm out for Even to take - “I’m here, I won’t let you fall, don’t worry”

Isak managed to smile encouragingly as Even finally took his hand, and Isak hailed him towards him quickly, so Even won’t lose his balance on the branch.

Even gave him a little shy smile as his feet landed on the other side, right in front of Isak’s, and Isak returned it quickly, still holding his hand.

“You okay?” Isak asked him quietly, as he squeezed Even’s hand once.

“Yeah” Even said back, and he felt the warmth spreading on his cheeks from Isak’s attention.

“Good” Isak squeezed his hand once more, before letting it go - “We should continue walking though, we’re not quite there yet” Isak added, as he reached for the ground to pick up the containers.

“Oh, well, I guess you aren’t the master of everything after all” Even said after they were back on walking, and he couldn’t hear the river behind them anymore.

“Oh?” Isak asked as he glanced towards him, a confused expression on his face.

“I mean, you didn’t manage to lift that branch alone...” Even started to shrug with a smile on his face, only to be cut off by Isak’s adorably flustrated - ‘Oh, shut up’.

*

Apparently, Isak wasn’t really the master of navigating as well. Or, well, maybe it just wasn't his day. Because they were walking aimlessly, until Isak finally admitted he might had made a mistake in one of the turns, and then they had to return a kilometer or two to change their path.

But Even wasn’t really complaining - The more mistakes Isak made meant the more time together they spent, so Even just raised his eyebrows at Isak and smiled teasingly as they continued to walk together in a comfortable silence.

They reached the little lake of fresh water a little bit late, and Even was awestricken from how beautiful and intimate the place looked, even though it was out there in the wide nature - The little lake was surrounded by bright green trees and colourful different flowers, and Even took a moment to just stare and take the place in, to let the smell of the hundreds of flowers fill up his nose.

“Do you like it?” Isak asked, and then Even realized he was probably looking at the place for a few moments already, as Isak was staring at his face with a warm smile.

“I do” Even admitted with a sfot smile himself.

“It’s a bit further from where we usually fill our water from, but I think this place worth the walk” Isak said, then started to walk closer to the water, with Even right at his toes.

“Oh, so you decided to bring me to your dates’ special place after all?” Even teased, and Isak huffed with an eye roll.

“Shut up” he teased, as he crouched down by the lake to put the containers on the ground next to his feet.

And Even indeed shut up, but he couldn’t stop himself from beaming at Isak, who finally cracked and smiled back at him fondly.

They started to fill up the containers, both careful to avoid wetting their clothes and shoes in the freezing water, when Isak was the one to break the comfortable silence that rested upon them -

“Seriously, how did you survive alone if you didn’t hunt?” he asked him as he looked only on the container in his own hand, and Even’s eyebrows rose from the sudden question and from the urgency behind it.

“Hmm. I went to supermarkets…” Even started to mumble out, before Isak cut him off mid-answer -

“Fucking hell, this is such a stupid idea, Even, someone could catch you! You could have been hit or… Dammit, I don’t know...” Isak told him harshly back with frustration - “You could barely protect yourself back that day, and...”

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Even started to say, but Isak was still talking over his voice -

“... and I don’t even want to think what could have happened if she wasn’t there to save your ass? I can’t fucking believe it, dammit” Isak sighed loudly, then forcefully closed the container’s opening before taking another one into his hands.

And Even was at first frozen in place, staring in his profile in wonder and a bit of shame, before realization fell upon him -

“You asked people about me” he said in wonder, and Isak’s face turned towards his in a bit of a panic at that -

“You asked about me and you care about me!” Even said in a haze as a smile spread across his face, and Isak’s eyes darted down to his lips and he licked his own and swallowed once.

“What do you mean?” Isak mumbled. His eyes seemed to be hazed and Even could barely stop himself from launching himself over him.

“You asked Sana about me” Even said, and a soft smile decorated his face as Isak’s cheeks started to warm up from blush.

“Well, of course I did” Isak said, then turned his gaze away and shook his head before he continued - “That’s what you do when you don’t trust someone, Bech Naeshiem” he mumbled with a raise of his eyebrow, and Even huffed in return.

Even was a bit disappointed from the turn of events, from how raw and vulnerable Isak sounded as he said those last words.

_You don’t trust me, of course you still don’t trust me..._

But Even didn’t know how to handle this situation, at this moment, when Isak was again focusing on the container in his hands and avoiding Even’s look, when the soft magic between them turned into something tensed in another way, which Even didn’t like at all.

“Oh yeah?” Even finally teased back with a splash of water all over Isak’s profile, because he just wanted to lighten things up, and apparently acting like a five years old with a crush was the action his mind supplied him.

Isak’s jaw at first opened in shock, but then, as he finally looked towards Even, Even splashed at him another time, now aiming all across his face. And Even was aware that it was silly and he was acting like a little child, and laughing at Isak’s confused and kind of pissed face probably wasn’t the right thing to do at this moment, but he couldn’t stop himself - Isak’s face was constructed in the silliest and the cutest kind of way and Even just found himself laughing loudly, clutching at his stomach in laughter.

“Oh, you find this funny?” Isak asked with a serious tone while Even could barely see him at all from how bad he was laughing.

“Oh, your face!” Even giggled, only to feel a freezing splash of water hitting his face in return, which only made him laughing louder.

“Oh, this is war, Bech Naeshiem!” Isak said as he spilled the water he stored in the open container right above Even’s head, while Even started to wiggle away with laughter, running away from Isak while shouting - “Bring it on, Valtersen!”

{Don’t stop}

They were running from one another on the edge of the lake as they were splashing the freezing water at each other. Well, mostly Isak was trying to catch Even while Even was laughing loudly as he was running as fast as he could to the other way, dodging away from Isak’s splashes towards his body.

“I’m going to make you so wet, Bech Naeshiem, you have no idea!” Isak shouted after him, and stopped at his place in a momentary confusion as Even stopped to raise his eyebrows at his suggestively.

“That’s not what I meant!!” Isak shouted at him as he realized what he just somehow implied, and his cheeks were becoming extremely red. And Even? Well, Even took advantage of his sudden halt to fill his entire front with a well-aimed splash of water.

“Well, I think _I’m_ the one who’s making _you_ wet right now” Even giggled and screamed as isak was suddenly running towards him and caught the edge of Even’s hoodie to pull him closer at that.

“We’ll see about it” Isak smirked as he hailed Even easily and determinately up in the air into his arms and started to walk further inside the lake with Even in his arms.

“You won’t dare!” Even shouted, as Isak tightened the hold on him as he tried to struggle out of Isak’s hold. Because, as much as Even wanted to be held in Isak arms, he knew what Isak’s intentions were and he didn’t want to be fucking wet to his bones from those freezing water.

However, as strong as Isak seemed to be, it seemed as if it was tough for him to keep a hold on a 193 cm tall man who kept struggling in his arms, and sooner than later both men found themselves underwater as Isak sipped forward after a misplaced step.

Even held on his breath as long as he could, as he opened his eyes underwater to see Isak already surfaced. He swimmed towards him carefully, only to surface right in front of his face.

 “Did you think I died?” Even teased while he was raising his eyebrows, only to be splashed in the face by Isak in return.

“Yeah, I got so scared” Isak teased him back with a smirk, and the both of them laughed as they asserted the situation they were at, the situation the two of them tried to avoid up until this point - Being wet to their cores in this deserted lake.

“Well, you suck at holding your breath underwater” Even told him while dodging  another splash of water at his face, and beamed at Isak as he squinted his face offendedly back at him -

“I suck?” Isak scoffed at him, and Even could only feel his smile was getting wider, as he was already ready for Isak’s answer, who was just as he suspected -

“You shouldn’t challenge me, I’m the fucking master of holding my breath underwater”

“Oh yeah? You’re not so good at proving yourself up until now...” Even teased, and laughed again as Isak splashed water all over him again.

“Come on, show me” Even encouraged him with sparkling eyes, and Isak answered with an eye roll and a short ‘okay, fine’, before he plunged underwater. And Even was meaning to count, just for the sake of it, but before he could even reach five, Isak was already diving up to the surface and he started to cough once his head was in the air again.

“Wow, you never cease to impress...” Even laughed as Isak grumpily splashed again on his face.

“I got water in my lungs!” Isak insisted, then coughed again, and Even just couldn’t stop laughing. He was so cute, too damn cute for his own good.

“Yeah, right” Even continued to tease, as his laughter turned into giggling and he beamed back at Isak, who scoffed and continued to insist -

“I swallowed water!” he said and Even smiled at him teasingly in return -

“Then do it one more time” Even told him, as Isak couldn’t wipe off the pout off his lips.

“Let’s do it together” Isak insisted, instead - “Last one to come up wins” he added, as Even smiled at him with raised eyebrows.

“Three, two, one” Isak shouted and both of them took a deep breath before they plunged underwater together.

{I'm Kissing You}

The water was freezing, but Even couldn’t feel the cold. His and Isak’s eyes were locked together, and Even could do nothing but soak in his beauty - Isak looked so peaceful down here, so close and yet so far away, and Even didn’t know what to do with himself.

It felt like they were in a different world. It was easy to forget the world was fucking dying around them outside this lake, that there was so much danger out there after the time they spent together this afternoon. It was even harder to remember they were out there in the wild when they were underwater and all he could focus on was Isak - Isak’s warm eyes, Isak’s beautiful face, Isak’s soft little smile as he looked right back into Even’s eyes.

And Even couldn’t stop himself from reaching forward with his hand towards Isak’s, who looked at him carefully before he laced their fingers together. And Even couldn’t help but pull at their laced fingers, to drag them towards one another, closer. Being underwater seemed like being in another universe, in another world, and Even wanted to allow to himself to be closer.

_Just in this moment, just here, just now, let me be closer to you..._

Isak’s face was right in front of his now, so close yet separated by so many teardrops, and Even was holding his breath harder, he was caressing Isak’s fingers with his and Isak was looking for a moment down at their hands before his eyes darted back up into Even’s.

Even could feel them darting closer, until their noses were touching. And both of them seemed to move in sync, as they brushed their noses together, softly, tenderly… Even was mesmerized, and he couldn’t keep his eyes opened, could barely believe this was all real, was all really happening…

Even didn’t know who from the two of them took the last leap, the last step, but suddenly their lips were touching, moving against each other, and Even opened his mouth - He needed more, was aching to more… His body felt as if it was on fire, the freezing water was long forgotten, as both his and Isak’s fingers parted, and their hands reached for each other’s faces. They were kissing as if the mouth of the other man was the only oxygen they needed, and they were surfing to the surface as they were devouring each other's’ mouths, begging for more and giving everything in them all at once.

They didn’t stop to kiss as they surfaced, and they continued to pull each other closer from their wet clothes as they breathed each other in. Isak tasted heavenly, and Even wanted more, needed more, couldn’t get enough…

They only stopped kissing when they realized their heads were still getting wet, although they were above the water, because it started to rain heavily. They quickly swam outside the lake to search for a temporary shelter, as Isak was quickly leading the way.

**

They were running away, while they were drugging the containers and their backpacks, until they reached a little hidden cave, which was maybe a kilometer or two away from the lake.

After dropping all their baggage on the ground, as Even was shuddering while crouching on the ground, Isak was pacing forward and backwards while mumbling to himself.

“We’re so fucked up, we’re just so fucked...” he said, as Even was just looking at him in confusion.

“Relax, I’m sure the rain will soon stop and...” Even tried to calm him down, but Isak just snapped back at him -

“No, we’ll have to pass the night in here, it would be too dark for us to walk back to the shelter even if the rain would stop in a couple of minutes...” Isak muttered with an annoyed tone as he continued to pace in circles.

“It will be fine, Isak, we’ll manage...” Even tried to relax him, but Isak just continued to stomp in circles, still muttering to himself.

*

Even didn’t know how much time passed since they arrived to the cave, but as Isak was sitting on the ground next to him, trying again and again to start a fire from a few thin branches and stones that were in a hidden corner of the cave, Even realized how cold he was. How cold they both probably still were.

The cold kept Even’s clothes soaking wet and plastered to his body, and from the way Isak seemed to shiver once in a while, he was in the same condition.

Finally, Isak groaned in frustration and threw the stones away.

“Hey…” Even whispered, in tries to calm the man down - “We’ll be alright” Even tried to smile at him softly, but isak just shook his head and buried it in his hands in frustration.

“We need fire to warm our bodies up, we need to dry our clothes or we will suffer from Hypothermia for sure” Isak muttered, and shook his head again in frustration.

“Well, there are surely other ways for us to get warmer...” Even said, and Isak’s head snapped at him with a glare -

“We’re not having sex Even!!” He nearly shouted with his cheeks crimson red, and Even barked a laugh back at him after his initial shock.

“Jeez, that’s not what I meant!!” he shook his head as he reached for his backpack - “But if there isn’t any other choice...” he shrugged with a teasing smile, and Isak just rolled his eyes at him while he was shaking his head.

“What did you think about?” Isak asked, with his cheeks still warm and painted, and Even reached inside his bag with a smile, only for it to be ripped off his face immediately.

“I was thinking about changing our clothes, but… Hmmm… I forgot I gave mine to Vilde yesterday....” He shook his head at himself, and Isak groaned again in frustration.

“With our fucking luck, I left mine to dry up in the shelter as well” Isak shook his head, then shivered once again.

“What are our options?” Even asked him again with sincerity in his voice, to find Isak biting his lower lip in frustration.

“Well…”

*

They were out of their wet clothes, including their fucking underwear, because even they were soaked to the very core of their materials. Even couldn’t really see Isak, as it was now dark, but he wouldn’t be surprised to know the other man was in a pretty similar situation to the one Even was in - Blushing all over his body from embarrassment and, well… _Other_ thoughts and feelings.

This situation was _hard_. Pun fully intendent.

They settled on the ground, as far away from the entrance as possible, and snuggled into each other, to share some warmth. And although it was freezing, Even was just a man after all, and his desires seemed to overcome the freezing weather. But, as hard as it was not to give in and just grid against Isak, Even had just kissed the man today, and the thought alone was enough to send a wave of warmth done his body.

_I kissed you, I finally kissed you, I can’t believe I kissed you..._

Even didn’t want to just rut against him like an animal. Even wanted the thing between them, whatever it was, to be special, to become something more if Isak would give them the chance.

So Even kept his lower part away from Isak’s as they started to snuggle, and instead let his hands to travel from their original place between Isak’s locks to his back. And Even was intending to warm Isak up like that, with a soothing movement of his hands, but he could feel both him and Isak tense all at once.

Because it couldn’t be it, right? It wasn’t what Even was feeling, it wasn’t... But there was no other explanation, no other reason for Isak to tense up like this at the touch as well.

Tentatively, Even let his hands travel up and down Isak’s back, and he soon could feel tears were gathering up in his eyes, and he swallowed with great difficulty and then buried his head in Isak’s neck to breath him in as Isak stated to tremble.

“Who did this to you, baby?” Even barely breathed out, and his voice cracked at his words, from the pain he felt inside from even asking them.  And Even wanted to be strong, but he found that he couldn’t keep his tears inside his eyes and soon they were falling down from his eyes, hitting Isak’s skin, and Isak’s hands shoot to Even’s hair, to the nape of his neck, to hold him there softly, give him some support.

And Isak breathed in deeply, then let the air out with a sigh - “Don’t call me baby” he whispered, instead of answering Even’s question.

And Even shuddered in his hands, and his hands reached up to Isak’s face, and he pushed his head away from Isak’s neck to put it right in front of Isak’s face, until he could feel Isak’s rigged breath against his lips.

“Please, just, let me take care of you” Even whispered, as he planted a soft little kiss on Isak’s lips, and Isak shuddered in his arms - “Please, let me hold you. You don’t have to be alone” Even begged as Isak shook his head at his words, brushing their noses once in the process, but Even understood it wasn’t his purpose.

Because Even could hear that Isak’s breathing was getting faster and he both pushed Even’s body away and pulled him closer, as if he was fighting himself, as if he was still debating what to do.

“Please, Isak, baby, please!” Even begged as his hands reached up to Isak’s cheeks, only to feel them wet from Isak’s now spilling tears. And Even was holding Isak’s face tenderly in place as he reached forwards to to kiss each and every one of them away, to keep the strong man in front of his grounded.

Even was now pulling at his body closer, not caring anymore if their lower halves were plastered as well. And his hands were moving up and down Isak’s strong arms, avoiding his back, as he was still resisting to believe what he could feel under his fingertips a few minutes ago.

Isak was shaking his head more forcefully now, and Even’s hands reached once again up to keep his head in place, to try and calm him down once more.

“You don’t really want me” Isak croaked out with a whimper, and Even tensed in his place from the the hurt he could hear in Isak’s words, as Isak’s hands around his waist pulled him closer to his body.

“You think you’re attracted to me but you aren’t, Even, you don’t really like me” Isak insisted, and now Even was the one who shook his head forcefully.

“Of course I do! You’re all I want, Isak, what are you talking about?” Even begged, and Isak just shivered in his hands and buried his head in Even’s neck instead of giving him any answer at all.

Even let him wet his neck in tears as he plastered Isak to his body and stroked his shoulder carefully, as he was waiting for the other man to calm down.

But as Even was about to start the conversation again, he realized that the reason Isak stopped to shake and cry his eyes out into his neck, was because he cried himself to sleep, right there in Even’s arms.

**

In the morning, when Even woke up from a single flicker of light that glimmered right on his closed eyes, the first thing he noticed was the man who was still soundly sleeping in his arms, now half draped on him. The man whose entire back was ornamented with deep long scars and stains that looked like blood floods.

The second thing he noticed was the writing on the cave’s wall, the gold which was shining against the grey:

“EVERYTHING IS LOVE”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings: Mentioned scars  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the 5th chapter](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/62cKI8rdjmafhC4iax2iI4?si=94iHjbHGRxumcemuTvtB6Q)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first part](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/08IGRietc2c1HCfjgx79kW)  
> *  
> In this chapter, Even finally tries to get closer to Isak without being immediately pushed away. He also gets to a few people better.  
> Everyone seem to notice and care about the dynamic between Isak and Even at this point, but things turned out not to be that easy by the end of the chapter -  
> Yes, the boys finally touched, they even finally kissed, but as we learn from the last part, there's much more under the surface to be revealed, especially from Isak's regard, as we know basically nothing about it, only what we can gather from Even's observations and thoughts.  
> It's important to me to note that even though they made a huge process this chapter, and got closer - Isak and Even aren't 'there' yet. Yes, they had some silly conversations together, but they hadn't really talked. They hadn't opened up to one another yet.  
> I'm so sorry about hurting Isak so bad physically in this fic, by the way. I swear I have my reasons, and that they all would be revealed - Sooner or later.  
> *  
> As always, I'm curious about your thoughts. My only way to get feedback is by reading the comments yall leave here or send to me over Tumblr, and not only do they make me the happiest, but also they turn me into a better writer, give me motivation and inspire me. So, thank yall so much for this! <3 Just know that I remember each comment, cherish each judo and bookmark and hold them close to my heart.  
> *  
> Now, about the Tumblr blog I mentioned in the notes in the beginning of this chapter - I started a side blog, dedicated solely to this fic, in which I update my writing schedule, my current state in writing and share some teasers, as I finish scenes. I also share my thoughts during my writing process once in a while. This blog (which is linked in the end notes of the whole fic, right down below) is also a great place to ask me further questions about this fic, if any of you are interested -  
> There was this sweet person (you know who you are <3) who sent me a message in Tumblr with a few questions, and I was so thrilled that I answered them with a 1k long message right back (I'm sorry if it scared you, btw, I was just so damn thrilled, I could barely contain myself ^^" )  
> *  
> Until the next time - I hope yall enjoyed reading and I can't wait to share with you the next chapter <3  
> 


	6. Minute by minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Isak didn’t answer him, he just tightened his hold around Even’s frame once more, and Even let his right hand, which wasn’t wrapped around Isak’s body, to go up to Isak’s face. Because he wanted Isak to see his eyes, as he was telling him those words. He wanted to make sure Isak was believing him.
> 
> But Isak was dodging his hand, as he curled even closer to Even, and he pushed his head into the space between Even’s neck and shoulder, to avoid Even’s eyes, to avoid looking at him at all.
> 
> “Baby…” Even whispered, and he couldn’t miss the shuttered breath which came out of Isak’s mouth from being called this way, or the way his nose brushed against Even’s neck.  
> *  
> In which Even realises the fact that he and Isak already kissed doesn't mean that things are going to be easy between the two of them from now on.  
> Featuring - Comfort, FLUFF, Banter, stolen touches, sexual tension, SOFTNESS, disappointment, support and important conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves!  
> Here's a little something for you all lovely people who are still sticking around with me <3  
> *  
> Triggers Warnings, are as always, in the end notes!  
> *  
> More rambling (and my reasons for the huge delay this time :\ ) in the end notes xx

**Chapter 6 – Minute by minute**

{Breathe}

Even didn’t know what to stare at, as he was lying on the ground with Isak’s body plastered to his. His eyes roamed the golden writing on the cave’s wall, only to roam Isak’s golden curls a moment later.

Even was faced with an inner turmoil, and he let himself take a real look at Isak’s back, although it felt as if he was crossing a line doing that. Because Isak was sleeping in his arms and he was clearly uncomfortable about the state of his back the night before. Because Even didn’t want to make Isak uncomfortable.

But Even had to know. He had to know how bad the situation was, how much hurt this angel was carrying with him around on his flesh.

Isak’s scars were long and deep and hunting. They didn’t seem fresh, and it was as if they were imprinted to his back, an inseparable part of this man nowadays. They were a sharp contrast to Isak’s otherwise milky skin, as they were pinkies and rough and Even felt his heart was clenching in his chest.

Because he couldn’t believe how anyone could inflict such pain on this angel in his arms, because between the scars there were also horrific prints, that seemed to be formed from under Isak’s skin to his meat, as if they were wrapped around Isak’s bones.

Even could feel the tears in his eyes were falling again. They were wetting his cheeks, and he couldn’t help but pull Isak a bit closer. He couldn’t help but wrap his left arm around Isak’s shoulders and press him against his flesh a bit more tightly, to feel Isak’s warmth and beating heart against his chest.

Even was afraid for a moment, as he could feel Isak was bulging a bit from the movement, but then his head just wearily moved from Even’s chest to be buried in Even’s neck, and Even could feel an unmistakable press of soft sloppy lips against his skin before Isak’s breath was once again loud and humid in the cave’s air, as it caressed Even’s neck.

And Even was stunned for a moment, because Isak had just kissed him while he was still sleeping.

_You just kissed me in your sleep. You’re too sweet, angel. Too sweet._

Even was melting in his place, and he let his left hand wander up, to curdle Isak’s curls softly, as the man continued to breath heavily against his neck.

_How could anyone hurt such a sweet man like you? Would you ever tell me who did this to you? Would you ever let me hold you again, like you do now?_

Even knew it was Isak’s choice, whether or not he’d tell him what happened to him, and whatever they would be from now on.

It seemed as if Isak had a tough past, and Even was sure that it was a tough story for Isak to tell. And Isak? Isak hadn’t shared anything personal with him, yet, other than the taste of his lips and the warmth of his naked body.

But Even was craving for a touch from Isak’s soul. Even was aching to get closer to the man, if he’d ever let him have it.

Even wanted to know about isak’s dreams, he wanted to know his thoughts about stuff, he wanted to see all his beautiful sides and all the less beautiful as well. Even wanted to get to know the man, and as he bit his lower lip, his eyes landed, once again, on the graffiti on the wall.

_Was it you who wrote it, Isak? Did my words touch you that much? Did they actually change your life, like Eskild once told me?_

Even had never imagined to change someone’s life, especially not the life of someone who was as strong and beautiful as Isak Valtersen. Even wanted to know Isak’s thoughts about love, Even wanted to know how such three simple words could leave such an impact on Isak, if they did, at all.

_Maybe it is just a coincidence, maybe it’s not your handwriting at all... Maybe it’s not meaningful at all - Not for you, not for anyone._

Even had a billion questions for Isak, and they were burning inside of him. He was confused and worried and he just wanted to hold Isak and never let go, but he also knew that they were a long way from there, that all the touches and warmth might come to an end once Isak was awake.

If Isak would think it was all a mistake - Their kiss, them falling asleep interwiended on the ground naked to their bones in an attempt to be a bit warmer...

Because Isak seemed to be afraid of opening his heart to Even, if his words last night were anything to go by. Isak was thinking that Even wouldn’t like him as he was, and Even couldn’t understand why he’d think that way.

_Is it because of your scars, Isak? Is it the reason you tried to keep me away all along, angel?_

But Even had only asked this question in his mind, and Isak had only answered by bringing his head even closer to Even’s neck in his sleep, to dig it in the warmth between his neck and his shoulder even deeper, as his lips were moving up and down Even’s skin with every breath he took.

Each time it felt like a caress. Each time, Even treasured it, as if it was the last time. The last touch of Isak’s lips on his skin.

*

Even realized Isak was awake as he felt his body was tensing up against his chest, as the lips that were relaxed against his skin were suddenly sucking on it a little as Isak took a deep breath, as he probably tried to assert the situation they were at. Then they became stiff and tightly closed, just giving a constant press against Even’s skin.

Isak’s hardon was warm against Even’s thigh for a while now, as Even was absently pulling at Isak’s hair as he rubbed his nose against Even’s neck while he was still asleep, not a few moments ago. Because Even just wanted to ground Isak in his sleep, to try and ease Isak’s arousal, as he was ignoring his own resulting hardon.  

“Good morning” Even finally whispered, as Isak was still plastered to him in his place on Even’s body, frozen. Even then leaned in to plaster a soft kiss on the crown of Isak’s head, and he could feel him relax a bit against him.

“Did you sleep well?” Even added as he moved his head a bit further, to try and catch Isak’s eyes, to assert his face.

Isak seemed to still be a bit frozen, as Even could finally assert his face - Isak’s eyes were widely open and they looked a bit afraid, and he stared at Even’s face like a deer caught in a headlight.

Even gave him time to orient himself, to be a bit more present, and it took Isak a bit more blinks of his eyes to get out of this state and for his eyes to become glazed out instead of frightened -

“Yeah” he finally said, and he winced a bit from how rough his voice sounded, while Even could feel his own hardown twisting from the sound.

“I don’t remember the last time I’ve slept that good, to be honest” Isak mumbled, and his eyes were darting down, in what Even could explain as nothing but shyness.

And Even couldn’t help himself from bringing the hand, which was still playing with Isak’s curls, to his cheek, to softly lift Isak’s eyes back to Even’s.

“Good” Even whispered as their eyes were locked, and he couldn’t help the soft smile which lifted the edges of his lips a bit as the blush on Isak’s cheeks intensified.

They continued to lay there in silence, each in his own head, as it seemed - Even’s thumb was absentmindedly caressing Isak’s cheek while Isak seemed to be staring at Even’s neck as he was thinking, until there was a crease between his eyebrows.

“Hey” Even whispered to him softly, as he moved his hand to gently touch the crease between Isak’s eyebrows, to ease it out - “What’s bothering you?”

Isak took a deep breath before he let it out, before he lifted his eyes to look into Even’s as he asked - “Did you sleep?”

And Even couldn’t understand the question at first, or - he couldn’t really understand the nervous energy that was radiated from Isak’s body.

“Yeah, the best sleep I had in a while, as well” he confessed. Because, although it had taken him a while to fall asleep and he had been awake for a long time already - his sleep had been undisturbed last night.

“And we only slept, right?” Isak bit his lower lip and darted his eyes a bit downwards, and Even found his mouth was opening on its own accord from the question.

“Of course” he mumbled, and Isak’s eyes were darting up at that, to roam his face carefully, so Even tried again - “Of course, Isak” he said again, now a bit louder, a bit more clearly.

Isak nodded once at that, and Even bit his lower lip as Isak darted his eyes again and allowed his head sink a bit deeper into the flesh of Even’s shoulder.

And Even felt his heart was beating faster, because Isak didn’t trust him at all, as it seemed, or at least - He was fighting himself to trust Even, to be sure that Even wasn’t going to hurt him, wasn’t trying to hurt him.

But now, after those few words, it seemed as if Isak felt a bit safer, a bit more content to allow his head to rest on Even’s shoulder again. It was as if his body was once again curling itself around Even’s, and Even could feel a warmth was spreading across his skin, in his heart and soul.

Even wanted to just stay right there forever - naked on the cave’s ground with Isak being comfortable in his arms, but Even knew they had to talk about last night, and about yesterday in general.

Even had always found it hard to just talk about stuff - To face the problems he had encountered in life. It had always been easier to run away, to head away from his problems and from confrontations. But Even couldn’t let himself to do it now.

Because Isak Valtersen was important. He was the only person Even had ever truly craved in any form. Isak Valtersen was the only constant in Even’s mind ever since he had seen him from afar on that tree, and Even knew that if he’d ever wanted to have something between the two of them - he had to talk it out, sooner than later.

They had to face Isak’s fears from last night, they had to open up a bit to each other, so Even would be able to share all his sides with Isak.

”Isak?” he whispered carefully, because he was afraid. He was afraid of trying for once. He was afraid to face his problems and of being rejected even before there was really anything serious between the two of them.

Isak only hummed in return, as he pressed his cheek against Even’s shoulder and Even took it as the sign it was to continue talking -

“Why did you say what you said last night?” Even asked, and he could feel Isak was tensing a bit against his body once again, but Even wouldn’t let him push him away now, he wouldn’t.

_I have to try this with you, angel. Please, don’t push me away._

So Even wrapped his hand around Isak’s shoulders again and pulled him closer to his body, and he was a bit surprised to see Isak was wrapping his arm around Even’s frame in return, even though his entire body was still tense.

There was a long silence between them, as Isak was tightening his hold on Even’s frame, and Even was holding him back just as hard, just as tight and close.

“Because it’s true” Isak finally whispered, and his arm was starting to lose its hard hold on Even’s frame, but Even didn’t let him go, he didn’t lose his hold around Isak’s shoulders even not a little bit.

“Why do you think this way?” Even asked him back.

_How can you think this way, after me trying to get closer to you since the first moment I arrived to this shelter? How can you think I won’t want you, angel?_

But Isak didn’t seem to want to answer that question, as he instead just shrugged and his body tensed further against Even’s.

_Why are you so hard on yourself, baby?_

“Is it because of you back, baby?” Even finally asked, after another long silence. Because he couldn’t find any other reason for Isak to think Even wouldn’t want him.

And Isak didn’t answer him, he just tightened his hold around Even’s frame once more, and Even let his right hand, which wasn’t wrapped around Isak’s body, to go up to Isak’s face. Because he wanted Isak to see his eyes, as he was telling him those words. He wanted to make sure Isak was believing him.

But Isak was dodging his hand, as he curled even closer to Even, and he pushed his head into the space between Even’s neck and shoulder, to avoid Even’s eyes, to avoid looking at him at all.

“Baby...” Even whispered, and he couldn’t miss the shuttered breath which came out of Isak’s mouth from being called this way, or the way his nose brushed against Even’s neck.

“I do want you, I want you so much, Isak. The scars don’t change anything for me” Even told him, and he could feel Isak’s breathing was halted for a few moments, before it continued against his neck.

“Please, believe me, please” Even begged him, and there was a moment which seemed to stretch forever, in which none of them moved - Even because he waited for Isak’s answer, and Isak because he probably debated what to answer.

But then Even could feel Isak’s lips were pressing against his neck, once, then another time and again and again - they were leaving dry intendent kisses that made Even’s body melt and made his right hand to cardle Isak’s head, to get a soft hold at Isak’s curls once again.

*

{Kiss Me}

“Can we give us a try?” Even asked a few minutes later, when Isak was just laying there with his lips pressed against Even’s neck, not kissing anymore, just being there. A constant.

_You’re my only constant._

“What is us?” Isak whispered back, and his lips brushed Even’s skin as they moved. He didn’t show any signal of moving away, and he didn’t tense up at Even’s question.

“Us is whatever you want us to be” Even told him simply back.

_Because I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me, baby._

“Okay” Isak finally said back, and he pressed another tender kiss to Even’s skin before he reluctantly let Even back away to look into his eyes. They stared into each others eyes as Even let his hand to lay on Isak’s cheek softly. Isak’s eyes were filled with hesitation and fear, but Even was intended to evaporate those feelings away with time, to slowly but surely build trust between the two of them.

_As long as you give me a chance, Isak, I promise I’d try to make you happy. I’d try to be your safety._

Even tentivaley leaned forward and their lips pressed against each other, moving softly and tenderly together as Isak’s left hand moved to Even’s cheek, to hold Even’s face right back.

And it felt like a start of something, it felt like a promise to try.

***

{Overtime}

They were walking back to the shelter, after a bit more time cuddling on the cave’s ground and later on putting their now dry clothes on.

Each of them was now carrying a few heavy from water containers and their respective backpacks, and Even gave himself a mental note to not forget to take his medication once they reached the shelter, as he didn’t take it when he was with Isak.

They walked in silence, but it wasn’t a heavy one. It was as if the heavy suffocating tension, which was surrounding them before, evaporated, and was now replaced with a warm feeling and some sort of a longing.

Even found himself glancing warmly once in awhile towards Isak, and each time Isak caught him, because he was just about to glance towards Even, Isak’s cheeks were painted pink in blush and he would turn his head away with a soft smile on his lips.

The silence didn’t last long, though, as Isak was the first one to continue their conversation from the cave, after they had already walked for a while -

“Hmm, Even?” he asked, a bit tentavely, and Even only looked at him in question, before Isak continued -

“I need us to take it slow” he said with a serious look on his face, and with tone full of determination.

“Okay” Even answered him in a heartbeat, because even though he wanted to sex the hell out of Isak ever since he’d first laid his eyes on the man, it was more important for him to try and create something that would be meaningful and that might be able to last. He didn’t want a quick fuck, he wanted an opportunity for them to trust one another and for them to take care of each other.

“How do you want us to take it slow?” Even asked after a bit, because he wanted to be attentive. He wanted for the two of them to be able to talk with each other. He wanted to do his bests to make Isak happy and comfortable.

Isak’s eyes drifted away from Even’s face as he thought about this for a few moments, and there was a cute frown on his face as he seemed to think about it seriously. Even wanted nothing more than to kiss the crease between Isak’s eyebrows away, but they were still walking and Even wanted to give Isak the space he seemed to need in order to think.

“Well, I don’t want people in the shelter to know about us… At least not yet” Isak started, and he avoided Even’s face altogether before he continued -

“Not before I’m sure in anything” he bit his lower lip momently before he finally raised his eyes back to look at Even’s face. Isak was talking determently, but his eyes were clouded with fear and hesitation, and it knocked the air out of Even’s heart to realize how uncertain of himself this man was, how insecure he really was under his mask of power and determination.

_Who hurted you, angel? Who made you so uncertain and scared?_

“Okay” Even agreed without hesitation. It was reasonable, and he just wanted this chance with Isak, in any kind of way. He’d probably agree to whatever Isak would tell him at this point.

“Can we start from getting to know each other?” Even added after a while, and it made Isak’s eyes focus on his once again, and for Isak’s mouth to open a bit in confusion.

“I want to have the privilege to get to know you, Isak” Even clarified with his brightest smile and an easy tone, because he wanted to lighten the atmosphere between the two of them. He wanted to see Isak’s smile and he wanted the sorrow, hesitation and pain in Isak’s eyes to vanish. He wanted to make this man happy, but although he said it playfully, he was also serious. Because, right now, that was all he was asking for - a chance to get to know Isak better, and a chance to share with Isak parts about himself.

“It’s really _not_ a privilege, Even” Isak scoffed and rolled his eyes, but Even wouldn’t let him say such nonsense. He couldn’t.

“It _is,_ for me” Even insisted, now with a more serious tone, and as all Isak did in return was to huff and roll his eyes once again, Even stopped in his place and let the containers down on the ground next to his legs carefully.

And Isak stopped right away, to Even’s delight, and he was about to open his mouth to probably ask what was going on, but Even was already walking towards him and was carefully taking the containers from Isak’s hands to put them on the ground, as well.

Isak was staring up at him in confusion, as Even stroked his cheek once with his right hand, while his left hand was reaching out for Isak’s, to hold it carefully. Isak looked right into his eyes in confusion, and then in total buffelment as Even went down to one knee as both his hands now held into Isak’s. Isak was staring at him with big bright eyes, his cheeks were colored in a soft pink and his hands were holding into Even’s, as if he’d never wanted to let go.

“Please, Isak Valtersen, would you give me the privilege to get to know you?” Even asked him seriously, and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread all over his face as Isak’s cheeks were turning bright red from the situation.

It took Isak a few moments to get out of his haze, before he rolled his eyes fondly.

“You are ridiculous!” he half shouted at him, but his smile was so bright and wide and his eyes were so happy that Even couldn’t give a damn. That was when Even understood he’d do anything to make this man happy. He would go down on his knees, he would splash water all over Isak’s face,  he’d do the silliest things and the sweetest gestures his mind would be able to come up with if it meant he would be able to see _that_ look on Isak’s face again, if all of this would make Isak _that_ happy and flustered. He would make a total fool out of himself if that would be his way to make Isak Valtersen to look like _that_ , to smile _that_ wide, to shine _that_ bright.

“Is it a yes?” Even asked with a lift of his eyebrow and with a teasing tone, and Isak rolled his eyes in return once again.

“Yes, it’s a yes” he finally grunted out, because Even was still on his knees with a teasing smile. And Even couldn’t stop himself from beaming before he was rising to his feet again to smash their lips together, as they were both still smiling and beaming at each other, as they both were licking into each others mouth lazily after that, with each others’ hands buried in one another's hair.

When they could finally separate their lips from each other, Even was reaching back to the containers he left, but without letting go of Isak’s hand. They continued walking, each pretending not to struggle to carry the heavy containers with one hand only. Their other hands were busy, as their fingers were laced with one another’s.

*

They had been walking for a while, and the silence stretched between the two of them. Although the air around them was still freezing, Even couldn’t been bothered from the cold - One of his arms was burning from the weight of the containers, even though a few of them were taken from his hand by Isak, who added them to his own pile, when he noticed Even’s struggle. And his other hand? His other hand was burning from Isak’s touch, sending warm chills right to his stomach, and filled it up with warmth.

They didn’t talk while they were walking. The physical endurance was a bit too much to let them both talk easily and walk in the same time, but they stopped once in awhile to rest their arms, and each time Isak stole another container from Even’s pile, and Even pretended to not notice after the first one, when his protests against the sweet gesture were only shushed by sweet kisses to his lips. Instead, he just kissed Isak’s jaw afterwards, and Isak let him play with his curls tenderly from their second stop on, leaning back at the touch of Even’s fingers on his scalp.

It was as if once they finally kissed, once they finally touched, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other anymore. It was as if they had been touch deprived, and once they got their initial fill, they couldn’t stop. Even’s skin was buzzing in excitement each time Isak’s fingertips laid on it, and his own fingertips were pulled towards Isak’s skin at their own accord.

He was still mindful not to touch Isak’s back, though. He had to remember to ask Isak about it somewhen in the future, as he didn’t want to upset him at this moment. He didn’t want him to be sad, once they reached the shelter.

“Can I ask you something?” Even whispered in their third stop. He was debating whether or not Isak would feel comfortable to talk about it, as well, and he wasn’t sure if he should say something at all at this moment. However, the question was burning up in his mind ever since he had woken up in the morning, and Even just had to try. He didn’t want to push Isak to tell anything, but he also wanted to know how open with him Isak had felt in that moment.  

“Sure” Isak said with a soft smile, as his fingers were brushing Even’s soft hair away from his forehead. Even tried really hard not to shiver from the tenderness of his touch.

“Did you write the graffiti on the cave’s wall?” Even tentatively asked, and he could see Isak’s eyes widened at the question and his hands stopped their soft movements in his hair for a second.

“Yeah” Isak answered carefully, and his hands continued to move in Even’s strands of hair, and to Even’s surprise he didn’t pull away, although he didn’t seem to be really comfortable about the subject.

“Why?” Even whispered as he was roaming Isak’s face.

At first Isak said nothing at all - He just roamed Even’s face right back, as both his hands settled on Even’s nape lightly.

“I… I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it yet” Isak admitted after a bit, and his eyes darted down afterwards, as if he was a bit embarrassed not to feel comfortable talking about this.  

So Even reached his hand to Isak’s chin, to lift it up so their eyes would lock again. Because he wouldn’t let Isak feel embarrassed about not feeling ready to open up.

_It’s alright, baby. It’s all fine._

“Another time?” Even asked, as he leaned forwards a bit. Their foreheads were resting against each other and Isak brushed their noses a bit before leaning forward and leaving a soft ghost of a touch of his lips against Even’s.

“Another time” he agreed, before locking their lips tenderly in a roaring kiss.

*

They were getting closer and closer to the shelter, and Even was starting to mourn the end of their alone time together, as he realised he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get another chance for them to just be alone together. And if he would, he didn’t know when it would be.

“What am I allowed to do?” Even asked Isak when they stopped for the last time before arriving to the shelter. He and Isak were sitting on the ground next to each other and they were drinking a little from the water they carried with them.

“Huh?” Isak asked right after he was swallowing some water. There was a little drop which was dripping from the side of his mouth, and Even’s index finger reached forward to wipe it away and bring it to his own mouth. Isak was looking at him with dopey eyes, and Even smirked right back at him.

“When we’re near other people, what will make you feel comfortable?” Even clarified, and Isak seemed to debate what to answer for a moment, as his eyes darted to the side before they looked back at Even.

“Hmm, we can talk” Isak said with a shrug, and his eyes darted to the container he still held in his right hand.

“Okay, then… Are there things you won’t feel comfortable with?” Even continued, because if Isak was only okay with talking, as Even now suspected, he wanted to make sure everything he could say to him would be fine.

“You definitely can’t call me baby in front of anyone” Isak teased, and Even was delighted to see his cheeks were turning pinkier solely from saying the word ‘baby’ himself.

“But can I when we’re alone?” Even pushed, as he brought his hand to lace his and Isak’s fingers again. He wanted to savour every minute he would still be able to touch Isak freely.

“I don’t see a way to stop you from doing it, so...” Isak began, only to be cut off by Even -

“Just admit that you love it” Even teased him with raised eyebrows and a smirk, and he reveled in the deeper pink Isak’s cheeks were painted by.

“I won’t admit such nonsense!” Isak protested as he huffed and ducked his head down, as if he was trying to hide the blush on his cheeks. As if he knew how obviously affected he looked.

“Hm… You won’t, _baby_?” Even hummed as he leaned forward, to bring his other hand to Isak’s cheek, to curdle it lovingly.

“Nope!” Isak insisted, but he let Even to lift his head a bit and to plant a soft dry kiss on his cheek.

“Well, your cheeks seem to disagree with you, angel...” Even said, before he planted a few more kisses on Isak’s left cheek and pulled the man a bit closer to him, while Isak’s cheek grew warmer under his lips.

“Omg, I give up!” Isak yelped, as Even kept him plastered to his side, and his hands reached up to run through Isak’s curls as Isak finally relaxed on his side and stopped to pretend he wanted to push Even away. Even was holding Isak close to his side, patting his shoulders and hair sweetly for a while, as a comfortable silence stretched between them.

“I’d rather us to touch only when we’re alone, though” Isak clarified after they were cuddling for a while on the ground, while Even’s lips weren’t attacking Isak’s cheek anymore and his head was resting on Isak’s shoulder instead.

“I won’t try to kiss you in front of anybody, if that what makes you worry” Even told him without lifting his head up, but his hand was once again reaching to Isak’s, to squeeze it once before he continued - “I promise, please, trust me”

Isak breathed loudly once, before he squeezed Even’s hand back - “I try” he admitted, then he took another deep loud breath before he continued - “It’s not you I don’t trust about it, though”

He could hear both him and Isak were holding their breaths at that confession.

_Are you implying what I think that you’re implying, or am I just exaggerating stuff in my head?_

“It being touching?” Even asked quietly, because he couldn’t believe he understood right what Isak had just said.

“Hmm… yeah...” Isak shrugged a bit, and even without looking up to his face, Even was sure his cheeks were pinkish again. Even knew his own cheeks were pinkish for sure.

Because Isak just admitted he was not trusting _himself_ not to touch Even in front of anybody, and Even knew he’d meant touching in a not platonic way, because it couldn’t mean anything else. It just couldn’t.

“So you _do_ want to touch me, huh?” Even teased him, as he buried his head in Isak’s neck and gave it a soft kiss.

“Ugh!”

“Admit it!” Even smiled against Isak’s skin, and Isak’s hand reached up to hold his head there, to run his hand once again in Even’s hair.

“I tolerate it...” Isak teased right back, and Even gave him a soft playful bite before he leaned away to look at Isak’s false-shocked face with glee in his eyes.

“You slept like a baby in my arms all night long!” Even smirked at him, and Isak rolled his eyes, but then his eyes darted down to their still intertwined fingers and the blush on his cheeks deepened a bit.

“Maybe...” Isak answered him with a soft voice, as he was shrugging once again.

“Not maybe, I know! I’ve been there, after all...” Even continued to tease, but he couldn't help but to talk a bit more softly, a bit more tenderly.

Isak just rolled his eyes back at him, though, so Even leaned forward, to kiss his forehead and then robbed their noses together.

“Admit that I’m the best pillow you’ve ever had” Even told him.

Isak leaned a bit away, kissed the tip of Even’s nose softly, and raised his eyebrows at Even -

“It’s a tough competition, Even!” Isak scoffed, but his entire face was soft, his eyes were glittering from joy and his hair was a mess of golden curls from the way Even’s hands ran through it since Isak fell asleep in his arms the night before. He looked like the softest angel out there, and Even’s heart tightened in fondness, from all this sweetness which seemed to attack him all at once.

“Oh yeah?” Even whispered in a try to tease, but it came out more like a breath, like a plea for Isak to kiss him, to touch him, to be closer, to stay with him in the wild forever, just the two of them against the rest of the world.

And Isak’s cheeks were now bright red, and he looked at Even in wonder. He then leaned closer, moved Even’s legs a bit to settle himself between them, to bring himself as close to Even’s body as he could on the ground.

“Yeah, I’d have to test your chest a couple more times to decide...” Isak whispered back, and his breath tickled Even’s face as he let the words out. Even could feel his heartbeat was quickening, his breathing was more urgent and he wanted nothing more than to kiss Isak in that moment.

So he did, because they were still alone. He could still reach out and lock their lips together, he could still hold Isak’s face close to his and nibble at his lower lip and play with the curls in the nape of his neck.

“You can test it whenever you like, just so you know” Even finally told him as their lips parted, and Isak smiled at him softly before sealing their lips together, once again. That kiss was a bit more shy, a little more sweet. Almost as sweet as Isak looked, and Even found himself chasing Isak’s lips as he pulled back from it.

“Baby steps, Even” He whispered, before planting another soft kiss on the corner of Even’s mouth.

_We’ll just take it minute by minute, baby. I’ll crawl the earth for you, I’ll be as slow as you need me to be._

“Baby steps, baby” he simply answered Isak, instead of telling Isak all his thoughts, before kissing Isak for the last time. Before they tried to fix each other's hairs, or at least to tame them down, before they rose to their feet after another long hug on the ground and a soft promising squeeze of their hands.

***

“They’re here!!!” Eva shouted once they stepped back into the shelter. They hadn’t been holding hands since their last stop, and to Even’s protests Isak hadn’t returned any of the containers he had taken from him before, although both of them had both their hands free to carry them.

As Eva shouted, Eskild, Chris, Linn, Vilde, Noora and Jonas were approaching them almost instantly. Vilde was soon throwing herself at Isak’s arms, and Isak barely had the time to put the containers down without spilling anything before she was holding him tightly in her arms.

“We thought something happened to you!” She shouted, as she leaned momenterly away, only to hug him back even tighter, as Isak let his arms wrap back around her in confusion.

“Fucking hell, we’re fine...” He statrted to mumble, as Vilde only squeezed him harder.

“We had to spend the night in a temporary shelter, because of the rain” Isak barely told all of them, as Vilde still didn’t let him go, and his voice was a bit strangled from how tight Vilde was still holding him in her arms.

“We managed to bring back all the water, though” Even added, then Vilde finally let go of Isak’s body with a face which seemed to still look a bit worried.

“Was everything going smoothly besides that?” Jonas asked as he roamed both Isak’s and Even’s bodies. He looked a bit suspicious and Even felt a difficulty to swallow from how critically and seriously Jonas seemed to observe him.

“Yeah” Isak shrugged, and he glanced towards Even for a moment to give him a tightened lips smile, before he looked at Jonas, who was raising his eyebrows at Isak in a silence question, or just demanding some sort of a further explanation.

“What?” Isak asked, as Jonas continued to stare at both him and Even down, before Jonas seemed to give up whatever was on his mind and shrug instead.

“Nothing, bro, it’s just… Very unlike you, to do this kind of stuff” Jonas shrugged, and then continued - “But I guess shit happens”

“Yeah” Eskild added, and Even found himself feeling a bit self conscious about the look on Eskild’s face, as well - “Shit happens” - Eskild repeated what Jonas said with a tone of voice that Even couldn’t understand, and then he raised his eyebrows at Isak, before darting them around to look at Even, as a little smirk laced his mouth.

“What kind of stuff?” Even asked confusingly, as Isak glanced towards him again.

“Disappearing for the whole night, especially with someone he deemed not to trust the morning before” Jonas answered Even as Isak was avoiding everyone’s faces, Even’s included, by looking at his shoes instead. Jonas had a stoic expression on his face, and if Even had thought he had a difficulty to swallow before, it had been nothing in comparison to what he felt at this moment.

“As I just said, we _had_ to spend the night in a temporary shelter… We had no other choice” Isak said with a tilt of his head as his eyes met Jonas’s, and him and Jonas seemed to have a full conversation with their eyes only before Jonas shook his head and shrugged once again.

Even felt a bit uncomfortable from Isak’s implication in his answer and from the tone he had used. He made it sound as if he couldn’t stand Even and regretted the time they ‘had’ to spend together. It felt extremely uncomfortable especially because Even knew it wasn’t true - Even knew Isak wanted to feel Even’s touch just as much as Even wanted to feel Isak’s skin against him.

Even swallowed as he could see how Isak’s shoulders were a bit tense from the entire situation. He had no doubts about Isak being attracted to him, but hearing Isak saying what he had just said, using the tone of voice he had just used, made Even feeling a bit hurt. As if, perhaps, Isak didn’t want anyone to know because he was ashamed of _him_ , of wanting _him_ , or anything of this sort.

“Okay...” Noora inserted after the silence between all of them stretched and felt more than just a bit uncomfortable -

“Just a head up, for you two” she added, then her face squinted a bit before she continued -

“Sana is pissed and she’s out there with Magnus and Mahdi, trying to find you both, so I hope that...”

“Isabell!!” Sana shouted once she stepped inside and Even could see from the corner of his eyes that he wasn’t the only one who winced at her voice.

“What on earth did you think??” She asked as she stood right next to Isak, her face was roaming first him and later on Even, as well.

“We were stuck because of the rain!” Isak huffed, and Sana only shook her head in desappointmnet -

“Really, Isak? That’s the best excuse you can come out with?” She asked and looked at everyone else before shaking her head again.

“It was darkening and I couldn’t risk us to try and come back, only to get lost in the middle of nowhere!” Isak proclaimed as his cheeks were becoming warmer, probably due to anger for being accused in the first place.

“That’s why we have a protocol, Isak, and I bet you didn’t follow even a single step of it!” Sana raged, as Isak winced a bit and his hand reached to scratch his head a bit.

“I forgot about it...” he admitted quietly, his voice was barely louder than a whisper, and his eyes darted down as Sana looked around her towards the other people in the room, before continuing  -

“Oh, you _forgot_? Really?” Sana asked again, and she was raising her eyebrows at Isak in question while Even could see Mahdi and Jonas were trying and hardly succeeding to taime their smirks and laugher.

“Really!!” Isak mumbled back, and he seemed so lost that Even had to step in for him, he just had to.

“We got lost in our way to fill the water, and reached the lake way later than we planned… I don’t think we were able to come back when it wasn’t dark even if the rain didn’t force us to find a place to hide in the first place” Even said, and all eyes were turned to him as he talked.

For some reason, Sana seemed to be a bit more convinced, or at least a bit more forgiving, after Even stepped in, as well, to explain their late return to the shelter. She seemed to consider what Even had just said, before Chris chimed in in tries to calm them all down -

“Listen, we all had a tough night - All of us, worrying about you two, and you two, probably not really sleeping at all. Let’s just be glad that Isak and Even are alright and put it behind us, okay?”

They all where silence for a moment, before Sana shook her head -

“Fine, we’ll let this one go, Isabell, but only because Even didn’t know about the protocol” Sana said finally. There was a beat of silence, and Even wasn’t even able to breath in in relief before it all went lose -

“And because you two probably had a better time, than all of us, during the night” Eskild chimed in with a shiteating face and a suggestive raising of his eyebrows.

Isak began to stutter right away, as his face was painted in pink, while Even scratched his head and tried to put a confused look on his face, although he was doubting whether he was convincing anybody anything at all.

“What?!” Isak scoffed and coughed out as he still tried to school his features, while Jonas and Mahdi were bursting in laughter and Sana was just smirking at the two of them as Eskild’s smirk widened.

“What? I was just saying what we’re all wondering...” Eskild shrugged and almost unsuccessfully tried to hold down her smirk from becoming a smile.

“Nothing happened!” Isak proclaimed with a roll of his eyes and impatient tone, and the silence seemed to stretch for a bit, until Magnus seemed to get out of his shock and join the conversation.

“Fucking hell, what are you all talking about?” he cried out loudly, making all of them to be quiet for a bit longer, before Jonas and Mahdi almost tripped over from laughing loudly while Vilde was carefully whispering something into his ear.

“Fuck! Did you guys fuck?!” Magnus screamed, and Even didn’t need to look at Isak’s face to know that it was probably as red as it could get.

“Ugh, I’m leaving!” Isak shouted, as he turned around to get out of the shelter’s exit, only to be quickly followed by Noora, who seemed to be the only one who wasn’t giggling or laughing from the whole situation, other then him and Isak, of course.

There was nothing Even wanted more than to follow Isak out, as well, but he knew what kind of a reaction it would get out of everyone, and he didn’t want to make things even more uncomfortable for Isak. So Even just stayed at his place, while he was debating in his head what he should be doing.

When all of them seemed to finally calm down, while Noora and Isak were still outside, all eyes were pointed towards Even in a quiet question and curiosity.

“So?” Eskild finally asked him, his face a bit more soft at this point. All of them were still looking at him, after he didn’t say anything since Isak left a minute or so ago. They all had hope in their eyes, and Even didn’t want to crush it for them, like Isak tried beforehand.

But he also had promised Isak that they’d try to keep the thing between them, whatever it was, a secret, and Isak’s feelings came before anybody else.

“Just like he said - We were forced to stay out there. Nothing happened” he said with a shrug and his eyes darted down, letting the lie stretch between all of them as the sadness of having to keep it a secret in the first place pinched his heart. There was a long silence in which nobody talked, and before Even knew it, Eskild was right in front of him with worry in his eyes and a hand on Even’s shoulder.

“It will be alright, Even” he told him quietly, and Even looked up at him and saw that everyone behind Eskild were still looking at him carefully, then darting their eyes away and pretending to go back to their own occupations.

“I hope” Even told him with a short nod, and wondered if he and Isak had made the right choice, agreeing to keep it a secret in the first place.

Because, if it was indeed the right decision, why did it make Even’s heart pinch? Why did it make him fear there might be no future for the two of them, together, at all?

***

Isak sent Even a grateful look by the end of that day, after he had learnt that Even indeed kept his promise, that he didn’t tell anybody about the two of them.

But Isak was also keeping his distance away from Even in the following days. He was avoiding talking with Even again, after their return to the shelter. It was as if the reception all their friends made for them when they came back made Isak to back out completely, and Even didn’t want to push him even further by trying to get closer to him.

So Even was staring at Isak from afar, pining even harder than before. Because it hurt - It hurt to be so far away from Isak, to get such a cold shoulder from him when all he wanted was to get the know the man, to be able to get closer to him if not physically, than at least personally.

Even understood it might be due to Isak’s fear - that if they’d start to talk and spend time together, they might get too close to each other, and people might get suspicious. Because even from being this far away from Isak, Even was barely holding himself back from doing anything.

It was much harder than before to try and pretend he wasn’t aching to get closer to Isak, because Even now knew what the taste of the man’s lips and skin felt on his lips, he knew how it felt to hold Isak in his arms, and what it felt like to be held by him, as well.

He was missing the touch of Isak’s hands on his face, in his hair, the weight of his fingers between his own, in his palm… Even was aching like he had never ached before, not another person or anything at all, and Isak didn’t seem to be doing better himself, if the number of times Even caught him turning in night from a lack of sleep was anything to go by.

In that time being, they were just pinning for each other from a far, waiting for an opportunity to get alone together, which didn’t seem to come, if Sana’s resistance to put them together in any task outside the shelter was anything to go by.

*

Even couldn’t keep his distance completely, though, especially once he noticed the darkening circles under Isak’s eyes.

Even had been sleeping much better since Isak gave him his pillow, but it was as if Isak’s sleeping problem had intensified after the one night in the cave, where he had slept on Even like a log.

Even’s care and worry about the man had kept him up at night - Because, even though he was drifting off to sleep surrounded by Isak’s smell, he was once in a while bolted up to wakefulness from a turn or a tired grumble from the other side of the sleeping area. He had known it had been Isak, it had to be. Even couldn’t mistaken his voice for anybody’s else.

That’s why, one night, when Isak had his night guard on the entrance of the cave, Even couldn’t just keep on sleeping. He had to do something to help Isak fall asleep once he was back inside and he had to get closer to the other man.

With fear and care getting the best of him, he sneaked out of the shelter with only his sweats and two hoodies on his body to find Isak watching the entrance, just where he had thought he would find him. He looked like the softest boy, buried under so many layers and with a red scarf around his neck.

“Even!” Isak urgently shouted, not louder than a whisper, the moment he saw him, and he looked both confused and worried as Even was quickly walking towards his hiding spot on the ground.

“What  the hell are you… oh!” Isak started to ask as Even was crouching right next to him, only to be cut mid-sentence by Even’s lips crashing into his, as Even’s hand cardled Isak’s cheeks in his hands softly. Instantly, Isak melted into his arms. He was reaching with his hands up to Even’s hair to pull Even closer to him, to run his fingers through his blond strands.

“I’ve missed your touch” Even admitted with a soft smile, as their foreheads touched one another and his lips brushed against Isak’s as he breathed out the words. In return, Isak kissed him quickly once again before brushing Even’s hair away from his forehead gently.

“I’ve missed yours, too” Isak admitted in a whisper - “But you can’t be here now, especially dressed like this, people might catch us!” Isak’s eyes roamed Even’s face with urgency, but he didn’t let go of Even’s hair or from the piece of Even’s hoodie, which was tangled in his left hand.

“They’re all asleep” Even shrugged, then pulled a little away from Isak, to take his outer hoodie off -

“Besides, I’ve only came to kiss you and to give you my hoodie” Even said as he shrugged again and handed Isak the hoodie with blush high on his cheeks.

“Even, it’s fucking freezing! What the heck?” Isak said as he tried to push the hoodie back to Even, but Even was only pushing it back to Isak’s hands before leaning forwards to place a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Besides, I’ve already got one of your hoodies” Isak mumbled, as Even took Isak’s face between his palms again to pepper it with soft kisses along Isak’s cheeks. He could feel Isak was melting at the touch, and his cheeks became warmer from the attention Even was throwing all over him. Even couldn’t help but smile. He couldn’t help but to nuzzle his nose right behind Isak’s left ear and to leave a trail of soft kisses from it down to Isak’s jaw.

“Even...” Isak begged, and Even couldn’t understand his tone. So he lifted his eyes to see Isak’s eyes were closed and his lips were open a gap, as if it was hard for him to accept it was all real, that Even had actually sneaked out in the middle of the night just to kiss him and pepper him with attention and care.

“I just hope it’ll help you sleep better” Even whispered, then planted another soft kiss on Isak’s lips, and he could feel Isak’s lips were closing around his lower lip. They were softly sucking on it, before Isak pulled back with a pop, and as his eyes opened Even could see nothing but softness and gratitude in them.

“I’ll try to arrange some alone time for us, together” Isak promised, as he leaned in to bury his face in Even’s neck, while his right hand reached up to Even’s hair again. Even could feel the soft press of  Isak’s lips against his skin before Isak lifted his face again.

“Now go back inside to catch some sleep, before you’ll get a cold or something” Isak scolded him as he lifted his chin up a bit, and Even pressed his lips against Isak’s before he lifted up his eyebrows -

“Who said that’s not exactly what I’m trying to do? How else will I get a special treatment from you, doctor?” Even smirked as Isak pushed him away playfully while he was shaking his head.

“You dork!” Isak laughed out with another shake of his head - “I’m serious!” he told him after planting another fast kiss to Even’s lips.

“I’m going back!” Even said with a giggle at Isak’s serious tone, then looked deep into Isak’s eyes as the other man smiled at him sweetly -

“Only a fool doesn’t listen to his doctor, after all” Even said between two soft kisses on Isak’s cheek.

He then winked at Isak playfully, before he rose to his feet, and gave Isak one last longing look before he started to head back inside.

He turned back once, though, before getting into the shelter, and even from afar he could notice Isak was brining the hoodie, Even’s favorite hoodie, close to his face, to examine it, before he hugged it close to his chest and buried his face in it momentarily.

*

In the next few days, Even knew it made things better, because Isak was sending him more and more shy and private smiles in the mornings, right before they all parted each to their own assignments. He also noticed the black circles under Isak’s eyes were becoming, slowly but surely,  less and less prominent.

***

Even had joked when he told Isak he considered to get sick to get his attention, but now he was considering faking one for sure.

Because that distance between the two of them? As much as Even wanted to respect Isak’s wishes, he had to admit it was killing him. It was killing him to see Isak laughing from a far, without being able to be the reason for this beautiful melody. It was killing him to watch him dripping wet after a workout with Jonas, or a thrilling hunt, without being able to touch him, to caress his defined arms or to inhale him in.

It was killing him to pop a boner every time he was somewhat near Isak, solely due to him being that close to the man while his hormones were thrilling and jumping all around his body from thoughts and dreams and hopes and fantasies…

“Woohoo, Even???” Eskild waved in front of his face, and he was giving him a funny look. Even didn’t know for how long he tried to catch his attention, but it seemed to be plenty, if the amusement on Eskild’s face could indicate anything.

“Hi, yeah, sorry” he mumbled as Eskild was sitting down next to him on the ground. Even didn’t know for how long he was sitting in this part of the sitting area after finishing his part in the kitchen for the day, or when people started to get back from their chores, but he could now see Noora was finished as well, as she was sitting in the other side with Vilde and Chris.

“Are you alright?” Eskild asked him, and Even found himself shaking his head a bit again and turning his gaze towards Eskild’s face to focus his attention on him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine…” he smiled a bit before continuing - “Or, maybe, I don’t know… I might be getting sick...”

Well, maybe Even wasn’t really sick, but he was surely love sick, because he was sure nothing else could explain what was going on inside his body.

“Aw sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Eskild cooed at him, as he leaned a bit closer to put a hand on Even’s forehead.

“I’m sure it’s nothing” Even shrugged once, and gave Eskild a little smile as the other man lifted his eyebrows at him in concern.

“You would talk with me if anything was really wrong, right? You know you can, sweety” Eskild told him as he took his hand away and considered Even’s face carefully. And Even wasn’t sure if Eskild was talking about something in particular or about anything in general, but he really appreciated him at this moment.

“I know” he nodded once and gave Eskild a soft small smile - “You too”

Eskild beamed at him, and then sat a bit straighter in his place, as his smile somehow got even wider across his face.

“So, can I ask you something?” he wiggled his eyebrows teasingly, and Even could sense what it was about even before Eskild had actually said anything, so he leaned back on his arms and shoot at Eskild a ‘go ahead’ with a little nod of his head.

“So, I couldn’t help but notice that other day, when you and Isak were late to come back from bringing water...” Eskild started, and he stopped to give Even a look which Even returned with another nod of his head as a signal for him to continue -

“That you said you two were late to arrive to _the lake_ ” Eskild finished with a movement of popping his lips open, and the ‘pop’ sound was stretching between the two of them.

Even was regarding his face for a moment, waiting for him to continue, but Eskild didn’t seem to have anything else to add.

“Hmmm, yeah…?” Even told him with a lift of his eyebrows, and he could see Eskild’s smile was stretching across his face into a full smirk, and that’s when it clicked. That’s the moment when Even realized that he fucked up, because Isak had told him it wasn’t their regular place to fill water. _Fuck._

“Oh...” Even breathed out, and for some reason it made Eskild snicker back at him, as he shook his head at him before he continued -

“So how was the getaway?” Eskild wiggled his eyebrows teasingly, again, and Even was laughing out a bit as he was shaking his head.

“It was _wet_ , you know...” Even teased, mainly because he wanted to see Eskild’s reaction, and Eskild didn’t disappoint as his jaw dropped and his mouth formed an ‘O’ shape.

“Oh my god!!!” he shouted, what caused the attention of the girls to be on them, until Even shrugged at them apologizingly in return -

“Are you serious??” Eskild shouted again, and Even looked towards the girls again, to see Noora was rolling her eyes fondingly and Chris and Vilde bickered from the scene he and Eskild were most probably painting.

“There is a lot of water in the lake, you know...” Even said with a shrug, which made Eskild’s mouth to open agap again and for him to shake his head at him.

“Even, I swaer… Are you joking???” Eskild was looking at him shockingly in return while Even laughed.

”Oh, your face!” Even continued to laugh, as Eskild was just looking at him with mock-disapprovement.

It took the both of them a few moments to settle down back to silence, and it took Eskild even longer to gather his thoughts and softly ask Even again -

“No, but for real, Even, my darling - Were things alright between the two of you? What went wrong?”

And Even wasn’t sure how to handle this conversation. Yes, he promised Isak they wouldn’t tell anybody, but the truth was burning, and… Well… As sad and devastating as it was to admit, there wasn’t really something between them nowadays, was it? With them not being together ever since they came back, with them keeping their distance and barely talking at all.

Besides, Eskild was one of his closest friends - Even had already asked for advice from him and he believed that he could tell him at least parts of the truth, just to know if it was a typical Isak behaviour, just to know if he and Isak had still got any chance.

“Well, hmm, things were great...” Even started, and Eskild was nodding along and encouraging him to continue -

“We were messing up with each other and we laughed and it felt really easy and natural, to just be there with him” Even said and he couldn’t help but to smile at himself at the memories.

“So what happened?” Eskild asked him worryingly, after a few moments of silence in which Even was staring at his own lap and he could feel Eskild was staring at his profile.

“Well, we decided we should get to know each other, that we should probably talk more and really learn things about each other” Even told him, and as he lifted his face he could see Eskild was smiling at him softly.

“This is great, Even” he told him and Even nodded once and returned his soft smile for a moment, before his eyes dropped again.

“So, how did it go? Why don’t I see you two more together?” Eskild asked, and Even breathed once deeply before he lifted his eyes again to meet Eskild’s -

“Because we haven’t really talked since” Even shrugged, and Eskild gasped from his place next to him.

“Why not?” Eskild asked, and if Even had to be honest - he didn’t know himself. He didn’t really understand why they had to be this distance and why they had to act like that in the shelter.

Yes, it was hard for him to control himself, but he knew he could. He had also hoped that once they’d be regularly close to each other, it would be less hard to stay away from Isak, because it would feel normal to be close to him.

“Is he still pushing you away, sweetie?” Even asked with so much worry and softness that Even couldn’t help but to look up at his face again. Eskild’s eyes were big and worried and he looked almost as vulnerable as Even felt at this moment.

Even couldn’t do anything but to swallow at this moment, and his lack of answer seemed to be an answer on its own, and Eskild’s hand was soon in his hair, soothingly moving it away from his forehead.

“It will be fine, darling, really...” he promised soothingly - “It takes Isak some time to open up, especially if you’re someone he deems important, I know he’ll come around, I’m sure” Eskild continued as his hand brushed Even’s hair softly a little bit more before it dropped to his side.

“I hope you’re right” Even said and he couldn’t help the way his lips twisted a bit.

“Trust me” Eskild assured him, and once Even looked at his face again, Eskild gave him another soft smile.

There was a comforting silence between the two of them for a couple more moments, before Eskild was talking again -

“It’s actually not the only thing I wanted to talk with you about” Eskild admitted, and he was looking at Even’s face carefully before he continued -

“Can you please check in if everything is alright with Linn?” he whispered, and Even could feel his eyes were furrowing in confusion.

“Did something happen?” He asked with worry, and Eskild was quick to shake his head, before he bit his lower lip in distress.

“I just think she can really use a talk with you” he said carefully, and Even could feel the crease between his eyebrow was releasing.

“I’ll try to catch her after dinner tonight” he promised, ad Eskild nodded at him once in relief.

“She’s my friend too, you know?” Even told him after another short silence, and Eskild looked t his face before he answered -

“You are her’s, as well”

***

{Lantern}

Even didn’t see Linn all day long, and it didn’t light a red light bulb in his head, not until she hadn’t showed up to eat dinner as well.

He found her a couple of minutes later in the sleeping area, cuddled under her tattered blanket, which seemed to had lost its colour a long time ago.

“Hey” he smiled at her softly, and she only lifted her eyes to acknowledge him in return.

Linn wasn’t the kind of person to smile wholeheartedly at you just out of nowhere, but that reaction wasn’t her usual look - her eyes looked less alert than usual and her body was a bit sluggish, curled up around itself.

She did, however, shifted a bit to the side as Even sat on the ground next to her. Her movements seemed to be heavier than usual and Even couldn’t help but to feel horrible, as he hadn’t talked with her alone, just the two of them, for a while. That he hadn’t been there for her. He felt like a horrible friend.

The last time they’d talked, Linn had been content and she had seemed to be much more in tune with him, much more outside of her head, and Even was wondering if he could had made it hurt less, if he had just noticed earlier. But as fast as the thought approached his head, he shooed it away. Because he knew the situation Linn was in at that moment wasn’t avoidable, that sometimes it could just happen.

It was different from one person to another, after all, but Even’s heart still hurt. Because he could see himself in Linn at this moment. He could see the tiredness and the helplessness and the emptiness he had already encountered a few times as well. He was hurting for her.

“For you” he handed her a couple of herbs he had made for lunch and were kept aside for dinner. He filled up a portion for Linn right after he finished eating his dinner a couple of minutes ago.

Linn had only looked at his outstretched hand before she settled further under her blanket -

“I’m not hungry” she whispered.

“You don’t have to eat it, if you don’t want to” he put the little container on the ground - “but I’ll leave it here, if you’d like to later”

He didn’t want to babysit Linn, to tell her what to do. He knew how hard it could be to do even the simplest stuff, once you settle yourself in this state.

They continued to sit there in silence, and Even could feel Linn’s eyes were roaming his face, before a quiet ‘thanks’ slipped through her lips. Even smiled back at her softly, in return.

“It always happen, this time of the year” she whispered a few minutes of silence later.

“Hm…?” Even asked, and when his eyes darted back to her’s, he saw Linn’s eyes were glossy and her face was constructed in pain.

“This” she said, and she nodded down, to point with her head at herself.

Even wasn’t really sure what to answer her to that, he didn’t really understand what she meant by saying that, and as he looked at her face in silence his eyebrows were contracting in question.

Linn didn’t raise her look to see his face, but she answered his silent question anyways -

“My mom disappeared around this time of the year” she swallowed, and Even wanted to reach out to her, to cuddle her up or to play with her hair in comfort. But Linn’s body seemed to be cuddled around itself, and Even sensed it wasn’t the attention she needed at this moment. He just stayed silence and continued to listen to her instead.

“That’s why I told people here about my condition. I knew I won’t be able to hide it away” she admitted, and Even heart both broke and beated faster in fear. Because he didn’t consider this option, about himself, before.

Yes, he wasn’t ready to tell people about his own condition, even if they seemed to accept Linn. He didn’t feel ready yet. But he hadn’t thought that maybe the option to tell could be pulled away from him, solely by his own head, his own mind and its own actions.

Even couldn’t help but wonder if his own body would betray him like that each year around the same time he lost his own family. Even barely swallowed, and he blinked away the tears that seemed to gather in his own eyes from the thought alone.

It was hard, missing his little Lea and his parents. It was a lasting pain, it felt like there was always something missing, ever since his previous life was horribly pulled from under his feet. Even couldn’t even imagine how it could ache more, when it ached so bad each day. Even didn’t want to imagine how it could push him away and away from his promise to his mother - to continue on fighting and living his life - if it would become worse, if it would hurt much harder.

“I’m sorry” he said by the end, because he didn’t know what else to say.

_I don’t want you to go through this, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better... Because if your pain and loss are pulling you into this darkness, into feelings of helplessness, numbness and tiredness. If they make you feel like I feel when I’m down..._

Even shook his head at himself once, both physically and mentally.

_I can’t just assume that’s what you feel, because that’s what I feel when I’m down. Only you can feel what you feel._

Even swallowed before his eyes focused on Linn’s face again. Her eyes were now closed and only her face and her hair were visible from under the blanket.

“I sometime can’t help but wonder...” she started to mumble out - “why I bother to keep on trying” she breathed out heavily, before she continued -

“Why I don’t just… End it all” she summed up, and her eyes were still closed, her body was still curled under the blanket, and Even couldn’t help but feel that he couldn’t breath for a second.  He also couldn’t help the shudder which went through his own body at her words, at how familiar they sounded.

But Even couldn’t tell her he understood, that he’d been there, that he had tried to just take his own life. Even couldn’t tell her that those thoughts had found a home in his mind more than once, that giving up seemed like such a good solution sometimes.

Because it wasn’t about _him_ and _his_ hunting thoughts and _his_ feelings when _he’s_ down. It was about _Linn_ , at this moment, at this time and place. It was about _her_ experience and about trying to ease _her_ pain. It was about saving _her_ life. It was about telling _her_ the right thing, before it would too late.

“Do you want to try and write a story?” he croaked out, and Linn’s eyes opened up from his voice.

“A story?” she mumbled, and Even nodded once, before he swallowed once before he nervously continued -

“It’s called ‘Linn’s life - Minute by minute ’, and it’s about you being the writer of your own life” Even said, as his hands were catching the material of his sweatpants -

“It’s all about you, Linn, writing your own story in this world. It’s about you trying to embrace the present and the world around you in braveness - With all of its beauty, but also with all of its ugliness” Even sighed before he continued -

“It’s about you enjoying the little things you find happiness in, and It’s about you stopping when it’s hard and taking the time you need to heal.” Even raised his eyes to stare at her’s again -

“It’s about you living each moment as it is, because I know it’s hard to just live your life as a whole sometimes. Sometimes it’s hard to face a week, a day, or even a hour. But can you promise to me that when it’s that hard, when it feels damn impossible, that you’ll just try to make the best in the next minute? That you’ll just focus on trying to write the best version of your life in that minute?”

Linn had just looked up at his face for a few moments, before she nodded.

“Okay” she said, a bit louder than she did in their entire conversation so far - “It’s a good advice” she added, as her eyes didn’t leave his own, and Even breathed out and nodded.

“It is” he agreed - “Sonja told it to me, a long time ago”

“Who is Sonja?” She asked, and Even didn’t realize he’d never told her it was his therapist’s name. But he didn’t really want to mention those words, ‘my therapist’, in the shelter.

“Someone that I used to know” he said with a shrug, but it seemed to be enough to Linn.

“ _That_ one?” she asked to reassure, and Even nodded once -

“Yeah, _that_ one.”

***

{Heaven}

The rough log he sat on was scarfing his legs, and Isak’s weight on him, as he was sitting in his lap, was pushing him further down to it. His hands were plastered to Isak’s waist, holding the other man closer, further down, to settle him more in his lap.

Isak’s tongue was buried deep in Even’s throat and his hands were pulling at Even’s hair, pulling Even’s face further towards his own, as if he wanted to devour him, to swallow him up, to ruin him completely. Maybe that was exactly what he wanted. Maybe the urgency, the force in his hold of Even’s hair, was for that alone.

Isak’s body could be described as nothing but long strong lines - His legs were lean, muscular and strong, his torso long and defined, and Even was almost crushing from his dominant present on his body, on his legs, as Isak’s legs were wide open, cradling his lap and pulling himself closer and closer to Even’s, so their pelvises were touching and grinding and Even could be lost from all those sensations - From all the force Isak was routing him to his place, from how painful yet sweet Isak’s hands felt as they were pulling his hair, scratching his scalp in the process, from the rough tempo they moved against each other through their clothes…

“Hi, I was looking for you!” Magnus shouted as he’s seen him and Even jumped in his place, and the moment caused a long deep line to cross the drawing he was working on so hard for the past few… Minutes? Hours? Even had lost count of the time.

Even was mostly drawing to ground himself, but sometimes he sinned by drawing his wishes, his deepest dreams and passions, and those seemed to be tied to a certain man in the past few weeks.  

And unlike the times when Even was drawing his surroundings, when Even was feeling and sensing everything around him - The wist of the sind, the fresh water drops on the leaves, the warmth of the sun on the ground - as Even was focused on drawing what was on his mind, it was easy to forget where he was and he would more times than not would lose any sense of time.  

“Hey” he finally said back, now looking with a frown on the page with the unwanted line of ink on it’s middle, right across his and Isak’s sides.

Magnus was walking closer, and in a slight moment of sobriety, Even had managed to close his notebook in a harry just before Magnus sat right next to him on the same log with a bright smile on his face.

Even could mourne the wreck of the painting later.

“Is everything okay?” Even asked him with the frown still on his face, while Magnus’s eyes darted between the closed notebook and Even’s face a couple of times before he answered -

“I’m great!” he said, as Even put the notebook aside and layed the pen on its cover.

“What about you?” Magnus asked urgently back, and Even turned back to his face to see Magnus’s eyes roaming his face.

“I’m fine” Even shrugged, and a little silence stretched between them, before Magnus’s hand rose up to scratch the back of his head.

“So, hmm, how are things going with you and Isak?” Magnus asked him, and Even couldn’t help the raise of his eyebrows at that and the shocked look that decorated his face. Because Magnus had never asked him about Isak, had never talked about Isak and Even as a thing, besides teasing about it with the other men in meals when they were sitting together, in what Even took as attempts to make Isak squirm in his place.

“Hm, what do you mean?” Even asked, and Magnus gave him a look of astonishment before he shook his head once -

“Everyone know you two got the hots for each other, Even” Magnus said as he darted his eyes away, “and at first I was hoping that maybe I’d get the chance, you know - You’re such a nice guy and _so_ hot!” Magnus smirked at that and Even could feel his cheeks were colored pink from that -

“But I can see that you want him, and I think he wants you too, and...” Magnus shrugged once, then seemed to think for a second before he continued -

“I guess I just want you guys to be happy, you know? You two are really important to me” Magnus finally observed Even’s face after saying that, and Even couldn’t help but smile a bit at him, because Magnus was such a good guy.

Because, even though most of their talks were silly and full of banter, he knew that Magnus wanted nothing but happiness for the people he cared about, and it made Even emotional to understand Magnus deemed him to be someone he cares about, and not only in a romantic or a sexual way.

“Thank you” he whispered back, and Magnus finally beamed at him after that.

“So?” Magnus pushed a bit further, and Even looked at him back in question as he still tried to shush away the blush from his cheeks.

“How is it going in the Evak kingdom?” Magnus asked, as he wiggled his eyebrows at him - “Did you guys already sneak out to hook up in the woods?”

Even laughed at that, and he could feel the blush was covering his face, full force, all over again -

“No, nothing like that” he shook his head, but the smile didn’t leave his face as a crease was forming between his eyebrows

“Huh? Oh!” Magnus exclaimed, before he jumped in his placed - “So you two are more of the romantic kind? Sneaking out to romantic walks along the rivers and watching the sunset together?”

And as he said those words, the look on Magnus’s face was full of softness, and Even couldn’t help but snicker as he shook his head again at that.

“No, Mags, we’ve already told you all - nothing is going on between the two of us” Even said, and… Well… It was only half a lie. Because there were still those logging looks between the two of them, and soft brushes of Isak’s fingers through Even’s strands of hair each time he came to wake Magnus or Mahdi up to replace him in his night guard. There were exchanges of some sentences once in a while when they were sitting with other people at meals, but… There was no real progression, as Isak still didn't manage to write them together to any chore, and… Even was trying really hard not to jump the man, but it was getting harder and harder.

Especially because Isak seemed to be a bit distance in the past few days, especially as his looks seemed to be a little less readable from a far those days, as if… He was back again to keep a full distance from Even. And Even felt lost, because he didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know how to start a conversation with Isak without pushing him further away.

_Are you less attracted to me? Have you realized that you don’t want any of this, that you better off alone?_

“But there is such a sexual tension between you guys ever since you arrived?? What the fuck??” Magnus raged as he threw his hands to the sides and his entire face constructed at that -

“I mean, at first I thought it was between the two of us, because it’s just _that_ damn strong, but… Fuck?!” Magnus half shouted, and Even felt his head was dipping a bit timidly at that, and he couldn’t help but scratch his nape a bit at that.

“I wish it wasn’t like that” he admitted finally, and Magnus’s look softened a bit at that, and his right hand reached forward, to settle on Even’s arm and squeeze it once in reassurance.

“Man, I need to kick some logic into him” Magnus shook his head as he let his hand drop.

Even just shrugged again, because what could he further do?

How could he explain to anybody that he was dying from blue balls and from the frustration of keeping himself away from who he thought was the man of his dreams? How could he also explain to them, and to his libido on the way, that Isak’s feelings and wishes should come first? How could he do any of this if he promised to keep it a secret, even though everybody seemed to know about them anyways?  

“I just don’t understand, you two are attracted to each other, it’s not like what happened between me and Vilde...” Magnus debated aloud, and Even wasn’t sure if his answering question was from pure curiosity or from the need to change the subject before he’d blurt something out -

“What happened between you and Vilde?”

“You don’t know?” Magnus asked with a raise of his eyebrows, and Even shook his head once with a little smile on his face before Magnus continued -

“Well, I was having the hugest crush on her when I first arrived to this shelter, and… She let me down kinda harsly” Magnus shook his head as he looked at his own lap, and Even was staring at him for a moment confused. Because Vilde didn’t seem to be harsh. She seemed to be anything but harsh.

“How?”

“She told me she doesn’t find me attractive at all” Magnus breathed out as he raised his eyes to Even’s worried ones, and Even reached out to him.

It sounded horrible and even rude in a way, even if it was true from Vilde’s side, and Even didn’t really know how to reach out for Magnus, how to comfort him.

“I’m sorry” Even finally told him sincernly.

“No, it’s fine, really…” - Magnus shook once - “Apparently everybody but me knew she’s gay, so… It kind of explained the giggles of the girls and it probably wasn’t as harsh as I remember it”

And Even couldn’t help the snicker which escaped his mouth as Magnus said the last part, and Magnus joined immediately, laughing out loud as his entire face was beaming.

“It still wasn’t that nice of her” Even shook his head, and Magnus just shrugged -

“We’re now great friends” Magnus summed up, and Even indeed knew Magnus and Vilde were extremely close - They were talking a lot and Magnus always seemed to watch out for her and treat her with nothing but tenderness.

“She’s sweet” Even said, because even if this had happened - Vilde still was a nice person, and Even couldn’t believe she had really intended to hurt Magnus when she had let him down.

“She’s the sweetest” Magnus sighed happily in return. He had a dreamy look on his face, but Even could see a little of uneasiness behind his features.

“I’m sure you’ll find someone someday, Magnus, you’re great” Even told him seriously, and Magnus looked at him thankfully for a moment.

“Yeah, I know, I’m amazing” He wiggeled his eyebrows, and Even smiled back at him.

“I’m heading back now, are you coming?” Magnus asked as he jumped of the log up to his feet, and looked at Even from above.

“Yeah, just a sec” Even told him, as he took the notebook he placed on the log in his hand and reached to his backpack, which was placed open right next to the log’s bottom. As he pulled it closer from its string, however, it tripped over and a pair of his sweatpants, along with one of his hoodies, fell out.

Even pushed the notebook and the pen inside, before he reached over and lifted his pieces of clothing up, to push them inside as well.

However, the air was violently pulled out of his lungs as his container of Carbamazepine rolled away, right to Magnus’s feet.

Even tried to swallow down, as Magnus bent over, and took the container in his hand. And he was just about to hand it to Even, just about to discard the whole thing, when his eyes suddenly locked on the small white container in his hands.

“Are those yours?” Magnus asked, and Even couldn’t answer him.

He tried to swallow once, but his throat had closed itself to air and Even could feel himself suffocating, in every kind of way.

Even could feel his face was turning pale, he could feel his cheeks were turning white as the warmth was leaving them to leave only coldness and his whole body was frozen in place. His eyes were widening in fear and he could do nothing but stare at Magnus as realization spread all over his face.

“Magnus….” Even tried once, as Magnus was still staring at the container, but his voice failed him. He tried to swallow and tried again -

“Magnus, I can explain” he begged with a breathless voice.

Magnus’s gaze lifted up and the crease between his eyebrows was deepening as he looked at Even’s frightened stare. And if Even had thought he’d be able to say anything, his power to form words had left his throat once Magnus’s eyes were turned towards him.

The silence stretched between them, unil Magnus opened up his mouth -

“You don’t have to explain me anything, if you don’t want to talk about it, okay?” he told him certainly, and Even still couldn’t talk at all. He was still staring at Magnus’s like a deer caught in a headlights, but he did manage to nod once, and Magnus seemed to acknowledge it as enough, because he continued -

“I know it’s damn personal, and you don’t owe anything about it to anybody, Even” He said, still with a certain voice, but now there was also softness behind his words and understanding, and he was handing Even the container back, which Even took into his palm with a bit of a tremor.

“But, just know that if you ever want to talk about it… I’m here and we can always talk, okay? You’re one of my best buddies” Magnus told him, as Even was staring at the small white container in his palm. He closed his fingers around it strongly, as if he tried to make sure it wouldn’t slip away again, that it wouldn’t just roll away towards someone else’s feet.

Even nodded once, as he was still looking at his closed palm.

“Thanks” he said back, and it sounded small and defeated even to his own ears, and his movements as he buried the container back in his backpack were heavy as well.

When he could finally manage to look up at Magnus’s face again, after he closed his backpack and didn’t have any further excuse not to look at Magnus’s face, he was encountered with a small comforting smile from Magnus’s end.

Even did his bests to smile back, and to his surprise, it was a bit easier than he had thought it would be.

He rose up to his feet as he threw the backpack on his shoulder, and Magnus clapped him warmly once on his back before they started to walk back to the shelter.

***

Even’s body could feel it before his mind even acknowledged it - a warmth on his shoulder, softly spreading from there, sending rays of warmth all along his body. He stretched a bit and moved to the side, and the warmth became stronger, heavier, until it almost consumed him, but not in a bad way - It felt nice and he could feel his body was trying to soak in the warmth, to let it curdle him.

“Pstt, Even...” he heard, and that was what broke the wall between his state of still holding into sleep and reaching out to wakefulness. _Isak._

His body bolted into full wakefulness and his eyes popped open. He couldn’t help his smile when he saw Isak was crouching up above his place on the ground - He looked so fluffy with his curls peeking up from under his beanie and his body covered with many hoodies under his coat.

It must have been Even’s lucky day, because Isak was dipping his head a bit forward before a little soft smile stretched across his face.

“Want to join me for a walk?” Isak whispered, and Even didn’t remember the last time he was so fast to agree to anything.

*

{BITE}

After Even threw a few more layers on in a hurry, as quietly as he could, and put his shoes on, they were heading out of the shelter.

To Even’s surprise, Eskild was the one to watch out the entrance, and he threw a thumb up with a smile to Even once Even noticed him in the shadows.

It was still dark outside, the sun had barely picked over the horizon, but Isak was walking a bit ahead and he seemed to know the area better than the palm of his hand.

Once they were out of sight from the shelter, his hand was reaching out to Even’s, and Even gladly laced their fingers together as Isak continued to lead them ahead between the woods.

The first time Isak turned back around to face him was not long afterwards, and Even soon found his back against a tree and Isak’s body plastered to his front as a demanding kiss knocked all the air out of Even’s body. Without hesitation, Even’s hand reached back to Isak’s body, to pull him even closer to him, something that Isak seemed to approve from the pleased moan which escaped his mouth.

Even kissed him deamendly back - His tongue was pushing back against Isak’s and his breathing was hot and humid against Isak’s skin.

Soon, the hand which held into Even’s, let it go to cardle Even’s cheek instead, and Isak was moaning loader into the kiss as he was holding Even’s face in place, as his hand was quickly scouting to Even’s nape, to pull at the short strands of hair there, to pull Even even closer.

Even granted loudly back, and it seemed to change something in the atmosphere between the two of them, as Isak was pulling back from the sound. He was staring into Even’s eyes in wonder, as Even was now holding Isak’s body plastered against his own in desperation, and then Isak’s hands were moving up, until they found a home in Even’s hair, in the blond strands that were probably flying everywhere from the sleep.

Isak’s fingers were playing with them softly, soothing them away, and Even could feel himself melting at the tenderness, at the sweetness this man held along with his power and strength. A pathetically loud sigh was slipping from between his lips, and Isak’s eyes were instantly focused on them with wonder, but then his lower lip was tightly caught with his teeth and he tried to pull away all of the sudden.

Even didn’t let them superate totally, though. His hands were now at Isak’s lower back, forming some kind of a frame around his strong body. One which Isak could get away from, if he wanted, but prominent nonetheless.

“What is it?” Even asked worryingly.

Because Isak wasn’t looking at his face anymore, because his hands weren’t on Even’s skin anymore and he was already missing their touch.

“I’m sorry for jumping you like that” Isak mumbled out, as his hands were playing with the strings of Even’s hoodie, which Even had only just now noticed he was wearing right under his coat, and Even’s eyebrows constricted at what Isak had just said.

But before he could even say anything else, Isak was already continuing -

“It doesn’t have to mean anything, you know” Isak said, and he still didn’t dare to look up at Even’s face, he still didn’t stop on twisting the hoodie’s strings in his hands.

“What?” Even breathed out, and he feared Isak’s answer even before it passed through his lips.

“The kisses” Isak simply answered, and his body seemed to shrink a bit on itself, as if he was trying to hide himself from Even.

And it broke Even’s heart - Not only Isak’s words, but also the way he seemed to carry his body at this moment, the way he tried to cover himself up all of the sudden, how he seemed to try and hide his presence from the world, to disappear completely.

“Is that what you want?” Even whispered back, because as much as it hurt him and broke his heart, he couldn’t force himself on Isak if he didn’t want him, if his own feelings made Isak feel like _that_ , look like _that_ , carry himself around like _that_.

Isak eyed were finally lifting to face his own, and Even’s heart broke further as he saw them full of unshed tears, full of pain and fear.

He hesitantly lifted his left hand up, and placed it carefully on Isak’s cheek. Isak leaned right into it, and Even’s heart was aching, beating faster and faster inside his chest, almost exploding from fear, worry, hurt and confusion.

Isak then shook his head, and moved his eyes away again, although he didn’t shy away from the press of Even’s palm against his cheek. Even didn’t know what to do.

“Baby…” he whispered carefully as his other hand was reaching to Isak’s other cheek, to tenderly hold his face and to make the other man look into his eyes -

“I’ve been waiting for alone time with you ever since we came back to the shelter” He admitted, and his eyes roamed into Isak’s as Isak’s lips parted a bit.

“You did?” Isak breathed out as he tried to blink away his tears without spilling them out, as he seemed to try and take a hold on his emotions.

“Of course, baby, of course…” Even whispered as he whipped away one insistent tear which managed to escape from the corner of Isak’s left eye -

“I thought it was obvious, I thought it was clear…” he caressed Isak’s cheeks softly, and Isak started to blush at this and he looked down again.

“Baby…” Even pleaded, because he didn’t understand anything anymore. He didn’t understand Isak’s tears, he didn’t understand why his heart was breaking, why it felt like both a hello and a goodbye, why he was trying to hold up this beautiful man in front of him while he was stitching his broken parts together in the process.  

A shuddered breathe escaped Isak’s mouth before his eyes lifted back up to look at Even’s, before he opened up his mouth again -

“So, kiss me… Please, Even, just kiss me..”

Even couldn’t deny him that.

Even couldn’t even ask him anything, couldn’t help but lean forward and seal their lips together. He kissed Isak as if it was their last kiss. He kissed him with tenderness and softness until Isak’s tongue asked for an entrance to his mouth.

He kissed him while Isak’s tears streamed between them and he carefully pulled Isak back towards his body, to hold him closer and to curdle his head.

Even was kissing him until they were both breathless, but not from the urgency - but rather from the emotions that were threatening to sufocat both of them. They were kissing until they breathed out against one another with desperation, as their lips were open and their foreheads were touching.

“What happened, baby? What’s wrong?” Even whispered out, and Isak was swallowing loudly back at him as he closed his eyes in defeat. He was shaking, and Even still couldn’t understand what was going on, still couldn’t understand why he was breaking like that in front of him.

“Please, Isak, please, just… tell me what’s wrong, I swear I won’t hurt you, please, baby, please!” Even begged and there was a new flood of tears which was streaming down Isak’s cheeks from these words alone.

“You promise?” Isak croaked out in defeat, and Even nodded instantly.

“I promise, I even swear, Isak, I won’t try to hurt you - Never, please believe me, please” Even begged, and he was now whipping at Isak’s cheeks carefully, as Isak seemed to shudder in his arms.

He let Isak a few more moments of silence, to steal himself, to stop the tremor in his body and to sort out hs thoughts, although every cell in Even’s body was screaming at him to hold the other man closer, to suffocate him with tenderness and kisses and warmth, while his own core, on the other hand, was breaking and drowning.

Because, whatever it was, which had happened to Isak, whatever thing which had made him tremor and crumble like that - It was now eating Even alive as well.

When Isak took one more deep breath in, Even knew he was ready to talk again, and he let him those couple more seconds to just breath before Isak finally talked again -

“I’m sorry” Isak mumbled, and Even was shaking his head back at him forcefully.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, it’s fine, Isak, it’s all good angel” Even promised him, and Isak’s eyes were finally lifting up to look at Even’s again.

“I think we can try to talk more in the shelter, Even… It was a mistake, to keep my distance away from you, I… I missed you and I want you in my life… I want people to know we talk, I want people to know we get along together… Maybe not in a coupley kind of way yet, at least not in front of them, but… I’m ready to take this step, if it’s fine with you” Isak said carefully, and Even could feel himself breath out in relief.

Because although Isak seemed to be in so much pain, it wasn’t because of him - Isak still wanted to give whatever it was, whatever it could be between the two of them, a chance, and Even had promised himself in that moment that he would do his bests to make sure he wouldn’t hurt Isak. That he wouldn’t make Isak’s life more difficult and hunting than what it had already seemed to be.

It was as if a heavy weight, he hadn’t even known was on his shoulders, was lifted up from him, and he could finally breathe a bit more freely again. And he knew they if Isak would give him the chance, they could try and fight his demons together. He knew that if Isak would just open up a bit, Even would try to give him the world, or… A better world. A less broken world.

“Yeah?” Even whispered, and Isak nodded once before he answered -

“Yeah”

There was a lighter silence between them now, but a thousand of questions were racing in Even’s mind, and all of them seemed to be too sensitive and raw to be asked in this moment. So he just breathed out and pulled Isak a bit closer, he let him rest his face in the crook of his neck and Isak deeply breathed his smell in.

However, there seemed to be one question Even had to ask at this moment, one which he couldn’t let go and put aside for this moment -

“What changed your mind?” he breathed out, just loud enough to let Isak hear his voice, just loud enough to disturb the silence.

He had held his breath until he could feel the press of Isak’s lips against his neck once, before Isak’s voice cut the renewed silence - “You”

“Me?” Even whispered out in confusion, and he could feel Isak was pulling himself closer to his body in return, and his nose rubbed a bit against Even’s skin in the process.

“Yeah, you…” he said, then laced his fingers around the material of the hoodie which was on Even’s body -

“Or, like... Us” Isak admitted, and Even could feel him swallow loudly against his neck.

“Us?” Even swallowed loudly as well, and Isak tenderly kissed his neck once again, before he leaned away, to raise his face to look at Even’s again, to look at his eyes as he answered -

“It just… Feels right to be next to you” Isak said before he leaned forward and sealed their lips together again.

And even though Even had never been more confused, even though Isak’s cheeks were still a bit dump and his hands were pulling at Even’s hoodie desperately, even though Even couldn’t understand anything at this point - he kissed Isak with all of his tenderness right back.

Because he wanted to believe that whatever it was, which was making Isak so sad and afraid, they would be able pass it, together from now on.

Also, Even couldn’t help but to agree - Because even in this moment, even at this time and place in this wrecked universe, when they seemed to be broken and distant and not know enough about each other, even when they both carried fears and sadness and worries - The way their bodies were plastered together? It felt right.

_Nothing has never felt more right to me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings: A description of scars, self hate, mention of a depressive episode and suicidal thoughts.  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the 6th chapter](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/0dRtUP9d9gv4xrZYzlhx6j?si=aKUuvDS2RViabvDfqfxVyQ)  
> *  
> [The Spotify playlist of the first part](https://open.spotify.com/user/shellycop/playlist/08IGRietc2c1HCfjgx79kW)  
> *  
> In the beginning of this chapter, we see Isak gives in to Even, only to back up almost completely - Any thoughts or theories about it? About the last scene, where it seemed to be Isak was dealing with a lot in his mind?  
> What do you think about the conversations with Magnus, Linn and Eskild? About Even's thoughts in general? About Isak's final decision to try and work on the thing between them again, to try and give him and Even a more solid chance?  
> *  
> As always, I'm dying to know what are your thoughts. The comments you guys left on the previous chapter made me SO happy! <3 Thank yall so much for this! <3  
> *  
> Those months had been a hell of stress to me - I've got promoted in my 1st job, which caused more responsibilities. I've also been in my tests period in uni and started a 2nd job. It's been a tough time, but I know I can finally breath and stick to a more frequent writing routine. Hooray!  
> Again, thank yall for sticking with me, for leaving kudos, bookmarks and comments and for motivating me for keep on posting through your kindness and patience <33 Yall are the best! xxx  
> *  
> A HUGE shoutout for that one person who's following the spotify playlists - Who are you where do you live how old are you why are you so fine how do you like your eggs in the morning  
> Or: Thank you! I love you so much and I hope you're enjoying listening to them!!! xxxx  
> *  
> Also, hugs and lots of love for the people who are leaving likes and reblog posts from the Tumblr blog of the fic (Where I post teasers and update about my writing schedule) - You all are amazing <3333  
> *  
> Until the next time - I hope yall enjoyed reading this chapter, although it was damn emotional, and I can't wait to share with you the next one! <3

**Author's Note:**

> To follow my process, see teasers for the next chapter and be able to ask questions about this fic, you can follow [the fic's blog on Tumblr](https://theendoftheworldteasers.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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